She doesn't want her cousin at her party.

LashingLady

kidsparty wrote: »

They are in the same class, so I can't keep it a secret, although I would love to!

It's like the kids have definitely grown apart, but my niece doesn't feel it as much as my daughter. My daughter often asks me if X still thinks they are best friends and does she not realise that they aren't anymore.

My daughter seems to have matured alot more than my niece for reasons I won't go into here (because they are about my sis in law!)...I couldn't tell my brother about this as he would go mental. I really want to avoid this being turned into a family argument if at all possible.

If your neice really feels this way then she will be very upset when she doesn't get invited to the party/sleepover. I don't know what the solution is but I would be very hesitant to go ahead and have the party without her, and have a very upset little girl and a fued between the parents.

Anyone at any age would be upset if there was something going on with a cousin or a friend that they thought they were close to and they weren't invited. And I think that would be even more upsetting for a 10 year old girl who is probably going through some confusion as it is because her ex-best-friend seems to have moved on from her. That's the sense I'm getting here, that your neice is still a bit babyish and isn't into the same kind of things like your own daughter. I think she will either have to invite her or have a different kind of party that isn't so "intense" as a sleepover, if you know what I mean. Something where they can just have fun that can include everyone.

But I dont' think that excluding her from the party is going to be good for anyone, including your daughter.

witchgirl26

I can see both sides of this to be honest but think that forcing your daughter to invite the cousin is not the way to handle the situation at all. Maybe talk to her to find out why she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore or doesn't want her invited.
My sister & my cousin were really close growing up (and still are) as they were similar in age but if my cousin was having a sleepover for her birthday my sister wasn't always invited. Instead there'd be a family thing organised as well that my sister would be at. Maybe try doing something like that. That is a short term solution only though & it mightn't be nice but a discussion may have to be had between you, your brother and your sister-in-law about the fact that the girls aren't as close as they once were. As someone here said you can't force them to be friends and trying to will only make things worse. Maybe over time they'll regain a friendship but it has to be left up to them to do that part of it.

BostonB

The cousin needs to catch up. Pretending everything the same will not help her in the long run.

Have real birthday with the family, and the cousin.

Organise something different with the daughter and her friends, but don't call it a party.

silja

I agree with what's been said at the very beginning- if it was a big birthday party, cousin should be invited, but as it is a small sleep-over your daughter should get to choose.

Any chance of having a "family party" at the weekend, for grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins of all ages?

professore

You should just tell your brother that they don't get on. This issue is not going to go away you know. Also your niece probably won't invite your daughter to her birthday anyway. They could be best of friends next week. I have a 13 year old daughter and believe me, the relationships get way more complicated from here on in. Best to let her invite who she wants herself. That way if there is a falling out she can't blame you.

People don't get on sometimes - that's a fact of life. It's good that your daughter is strong enough emotionally to recognise this and deal with it in a mature manner instead of inviting her cousin anyway and ignoring her for hours or fighting with her. Have you ever thought that her cousin may not even want to go, and be pressured into it by her mum and dad by being invited?

Just realised you are talking about a sleepover. These are for the "more grown up" girls only and your niece probably doesn't fit in that group yet. BTW "sleepover" is the most inappropriate name for these - they should be called "stay-awake-over"

MrThrifty

I think that in the context of modern families, cousins are quite far removed from each other compared to siblings. I.e. cousin 'children' often happen to meet each other at big occasions and play with each other for the day but then may typically not see each other till the next big occasion which could be half a year later. If the cousins are in the same class as in this instance then there's no good reason why any relationship should be encouraged between them. Just because the parents are blood-related and are duty-bound by family ties doesn't mean that their children should be. It's not unusual these days for grown up siblings to actually dislike each other but still maintain a relationship because they feel they 'should' - can't imagine that this is a healthy foundation for any relationship between the cousins involved. Sorry is this is slightly off-topic but I do think it's relevant. 'Blood thicker than water' - yeah right!

dark crystal

Wantobe wrote: »

I have two daughters and my eldest tried something similar last year about a neighbours child ( literally next door) she didn't want to invite. I cut her off immediately as I told her it was not an option. I told her that it would hurt the other child's feelings and that she was coming, end of story. In my opinion it would be even more important to invite your niece. If I were you, I'd put my foot down, brook no objections, invite her and make sure your daughter knows that she has to behave well towards her at the party.

Just curious, do you get to choose who you are friends with?

In my opinion, forcing a child into a friendship she is not comfortable with can only lead to deep seated resentment in the longterm.

Wantobe

dark crystal wrote: »

Just curious, do you get to choose who you are friends with?

In my opinion, forcing a child into a friendship she is not comfortable with can only lead to deep seated resentment in the longterm.

Read all the thread. You can't force a friendship but you can invite someone who otherwise would be hurt.

And yes, I do choose my friends, but I sometimes invite people who I wouldn't consider friends to parties/events because of connections I don't want to upset for whatever reason. It's not really a big deal, is it?

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

Firstly, she is not a selfish child at all. Nowhere did I say she excludes her cousin from things - nor do I - in fact, we have included her in many family days over the past year, despite the fact that her and my daughter don't get along anymore.

I don't think it's a sad indication of attitudes becoming more and more selfish - I think it's a young girl growing up and figuring out that she can make her own choices about certain things - one them being the kids she'd like at her birthday.

I have decided to do a teaparty in the house for her birthday - we won't mention the sleepover at all.

I never implied that your daughter has excluded her cousin from anything else, I have no idea where you picked this up from. You asked for advice and opinions and I gave you mine. I get that kids should not be forced to be friends with kids they dont like but unfortunatly you are in an difficult position here, it is highly unlikely that your neice will not hear about the sleepover and you need to be ready for any backlash that may occur from your brother and sis in law. It is very easy for others to advise you to do your own thing they arent the ones who will have to pour oil over troubled waters, you are the one who will have to live with the repercussions.
Tbh I would be really concerned if my child was so dismissive of another childs feelings especially when its her cousin and someone who considers her to be her best friend. Does your neice really have to find out the truth in such a brutal way?

dark crystal

Wantobe wrote: »

Read all the thread. You can't force a friendship but you can invite someone who otherwise would be hurt.

And yes, I do choose my friends, but I sometimes invite people who I wouldn't consider friends to parties/events because of connections I don't want to upset for whatever reason. It's not really a big deal, is it?

I did read all the thread...

With all due respect, when you choose to invite people to an occasion you'd rather not, it's a conscious decision on your part. A child being forced to do so, will not necessarily be as accommodating to the invitee as you would!

The cousin in this situation may feel just as left out after being invited, than if she wasn't. Also, my daughter would be my first priority in this situation, not her cousin. yes, it's sad that they have drifted apart, but that's life unfortunately.

I think the OP has made the right decision all round in including the cousin in the teaparty and not mentioning the sleepover. That sounds like the fairest compromise to me.

LegacyUser

is mise astra wrote: »

I never implied that your daughter has excluded her cousin from anything else, I have no idea where you picked this up from. You asked for advice and opinions and I gave you mine.

You said

I think the attitude of" its her party and she should please herself" is a sad indication of the way peoples attitudes are becoming more and more selfish.

which in the context of this thread, is referring to me I would assume?

You can't imply that it's a sad indication of peoples attitudes becoming more selfish in the one breath, and then say that you have no idea where I picked up you were implying my daughter or myself were being selfish in the next breath!

We are having the small teaparty and her cousin is coming to that. The sleepover will be at another time and her cousin won't be made aware of it. If she does, I will tell them that it was an impromptu sleepover...

My niece was up with us last night and I completely understand why my daughter doesn't want her at the sleepover - they are completely different children. The same as my daughter is a completely different child to other kids her own age. Just because they are cousins does not mean I should force this friendship on her anymore and I think at 10, it's time I stopped doing that to her.

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

You said which in the context of this thread, is referring to me I would assume?

You can't imply that it's a sad indication of peoples attitudes becoming more selfish in the one breath, and then say that you have no idea where I picked up you were implying my daughter or myself were being selfish in the next breath!

We are having the small teaparty and her cousin is coming to that. The sleepover will be at another time and her cousin won't be made aware of it. If she does, I will tell them that it was an impromptu sleepover...

.

Oh I completely stand by the fact that I believe she is been selfish, I know this offends you but that is what I believe and if my daughter behaved like this I would think it was selfish also, believe me my daughter has her faults as do we all, but the difference is I can see her faults and I try my best to guide her as much as possible. What I never said was that you or your daughter have ever excluded your neice from anything else I still cant see where you got that from. If your daughter and neice were not in the same class I think there would be no problem not inviting her to the sleepover, but I think that due to the circumstances that they are in the same class and your neice considers your child to be her best friend, your neice could end up very hurt, do her feelings not count at all?

James Jones

If there wasn't a big bully of a sister-in-law what would you do?

LegacyUser

James Jones wrote: »

If there wasn't a big bully of a sister-in-law what would you do?

Thats a really good question and one I hadn't really thought about.

The honest answer is the friendship would have died a death naturally, once they finished creche.

What I haven't explained is that there's also an awful lot of 'copying' goes on between our families.

I picked a primary school for my daughter and my sis in law picked the same one for her daughter - despite it being about 6 miles off their 'beaten track'. If my daughter gets a dress/top/leggins, within a week or two, her cousin has it. If my daughter has a pool party/plex party, her cousin has the same party a couple of months later.

I have tried to explain to my daughter that people who copy you are actually flattering you, because they like your dress/top/party soooo much, that they want one for themselves and this worked until about a year ago. Now, my daughter is just fed up with it, and I don't blame her. It came to a head at christmas really when they arrived to their grannies in the same clothes, after I stupidly told my brother what I'd bought my daughter in november....

The Lovely Muffin

I know two girls in your daughters/nieces situation OP.

One of the girls no matter what she got, her cousin would have the same thing.

The girls I knew were constantly arguing over this, these girls parents, never ever forced the girls to get on/be friends, and now those girls are very close. They reckon, had their parents forced any kind of friendship, they wouldn't be so close now, they naturally became close again without any kind of force.

Your doing the right thing by having a tea party for the family and the sleepover separate.

You say if your asked about the sleep over you'll say it was an impromptu sleepover, but would that still cause trouble/tension within the family even though it was impromptu and the cousin wasn't invited?

Has you daughter already mentioned the sleepover to anyone of the girls she's inviting for it?

James Jones

unregistered wrote: »

Thats a really good question and one I hadn't really thought about.

The honest answer is the friendship would have died a death naturally, once they finished creche.

What I haven't explained is that there's also an awful lot of 'copying' goes on between our families.

I picked a primary school for my daughter and my sis in law picked the same one for her daughter - despite it being about 6 miles off their 'beaten track'. If my daughter gets a dress/top/leggins, within a week or two, her cousin has it. If my daughter has a pool party/plex party, her cousin has the same party a couple of months later.

I have tried to explain to my daughter that people who copy you are actually flattering you, because they like your dress/top/party soooo much, that they want one for themselves and this worked until about a year ago. Now, my daughter is just fed up with it, and I don't blame her. It came to a head at christmas really when they arrived to their grannies in the same clothes, after I stupidly told my brother what I'd bought my daughter in november....

This is something you will have to deal with (or live with for the rest of their lives) so take this as an opportunity and let your daughter do her own thing.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Perhaps I could offer another view on this....

As one poster mentioned, blood is often thicker than water and two cousins that are near in age should be actively encouraged to develop a good relationship. This will allow them to support another through the years ahead in ways that friends often do not. A friendship based on membership of a family is different to school-friendships that can sometimes be very fickle and transient. A cousin offers a different type of social support mechanism, complimentary to other friendship types.

From your posts, you do not seem to have a very good relationship with you sister in law. As you say that your daughter is quite mature, could it be that your daughter is picking up on this and distancing herself from her cousin, effectively copying your lead in your dealing with your brothers wife?

If however I am wrong and you have a good relationship (or at least a functioning one) with your sister in law then perhaps you could approach her and discuss the issue as follows.

• Tell your Sister in law about your daughters plans for her party.
• Tell her that your daughter did not invite her cousin.
• Tell her that while this upsets you (?), you have to abide by your daughters choice as it is her party and you said she could invite whom she wanted.
• You cannot now go back on that arrangement without loosing your daughters trust.
• Explain that your daughter feels that she has grown apart from her cousin and that saddens you and your husband. (?)
• Then ask your Sister in law what she and your brother thinks you both could do to build a good relationship between your daughters for the future.

This way you have not approached you Sister-In-Law with a confrontational problem , your are engaging with her in a supportive collaboration, to solve a mutual concern.

People shy away from confrontation, but it can be a very healthy thing if engaged in for the right reasons with respect for the other person.

the_syco

Wantobe wrote: »

And yes, I do choose my friends, but I sometimes invite people who I wouldn't consider friends to parties/events because of connections I don't want to upset for whatever reason. It's not really a big deal, is it?

You invite them because you have something to gain, or something to loose if you don't invite them. What does the OP's child gain by having someone who is not their friend forced upon them on their party.

It's no longer their fun party. It becomes something to be endured.

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

Explain that your daughter feels that she has grown apart from her cousin and that saddens you and your husband. (?)

I'd view this as emotional blackmail. The daughter may allow the cousin to join to please you, but this may leave a very deep scar on the poor child.

Oh, and she may end up seeing the cousin, and the cousins entire family, as the problem.

=-=

The kid has nothing to gain, and a birthday night to loose. Are you going to lie down and let the SiL walk over you, or will you fight for your child.

For blood is thicker than water. And the SiL is not your blood; your daughter is.

Donald_ducked

This is a tricky little situation to be in

Op, does your niece have other close friends in the class or would she be a bit of a loner?

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

I'd view this as emotional blackmail. The daughter may allow the cousin to join to please you, but this may leave a very deep scar on the poor child.

Oh, and she may end up seeing the cousin, and the cousins entire family, as the problem.

Irish_Elect_Eng is NOT suggesting she say this to her daughter, but to the sister-in-law!!!

I think this plan sounds like a good one, but only if the sister-in-law is reasonable, which from what the OP has written, she is not.

OP, I think it's important that your daughter choose her own friends. I had my sister foisted upon me at every turn and it just irritated me and did nothing to make us friends. Only now as adults and many years living apart have we developed anything close to a friendship. We've always loved each other as sisters, but not as friends, if that makes sense. We're just too different.

It's not your brother or sister-in-law's place to be offended - they need to suck it up and not fight their child's battles for her. They need to be good parents and get her to focus on the children who are her friends.

Irish_Elect_Eng

the_syco wrote: »

You invite them because you have something to gain, or something to loose if you don't invite them. What does the OP's child gain by having someone who is not their friend forced upon them on their party.

It's no longer their fun party. It becomes something to be endured.


I'd view this as emotional blackmail. The daughter may allow the cousin to join to please you, but this may leave a very deep scar on the poor child.

Oh, and she may end up seeing the cousin, and the cousins entire family, as the problem.

=-=

The kid has nothing to gain, and a birthday night to loose. Are you going to lie down and let the SiL walk over you, or will you fight for your child.

For blood is thicker than water. And the SiL is not your blood; your daughter is.

Just to clarify, I suggested discussing the issue with the Sister in Law (Not the daughter or cousin)

the_syco

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

Just to clarify, I suggested discussing the issue with the Sister in Law (Not the daughter or cousin)

Ah, get what you mean now.