First Date Etiquette; When 'The Bill' comes

strobe

enol wrote: »

I can't believe there isn't already a thread on this so here goes:
Whats the general consensus on the guy paying for a meal on a FIRST date? If the guy initiates the date and picks the location, should he pick up the tab when the bill comes? If you offered to pay your share and it was accepted without hesitation, would you find it unimpressive?
Both the man & woman are 30-ish and in full time employment and only met once before the date.
I'd love to get the opinions from other Irish women on the dating scene, thanks.

If I asked her out I'd offer to pay the bill. I'd be fairly unimpressed if she didn't at least offer to split the bill though. But, I don't know if this is unusual or not? I have never even once just been expected to pay. Every girl I have ever taken out (not that we're talking treble digits or anything) somewhere has offered to split the bill. Maybe it's the type of girls I'm attracted to. Usually I would say, "nah it's grand, sure I invited you" or something similar, which they usually accept, but if they've offered a second time I have split it straight away. I can't imagine any girl I have dated would have been too impressed if I insisted i.e wouldn't 'let' them pay. Pretty sure I wouldn't have been getting a second date.

If a girl asked me somewhere, which has happened a couple of times and expected me to pay the whole bill, she wouldn't see me for the dust. Deal breaker. But that hasn't happened yet.

chocgirl

It's funny I think my thinking on this has changed over the last few years. When I was in college I would have always split it and not thought about it at all.

Now that I'm working and actually have money I would expect the date to offer to pay for the first date especially if he had asked me out. It doesn't make sense when I think about it but I just think it's not romantic otherwise. Incidentally I probably wouldn't let him pay for me, I'd rather split it but if he didn't offer I'd be fairly unimpressed!

Snoopy1

Maybe i was meeting the wrong men!!
I never got taken out to dinner on the first date

MIN2511

MIN2511 wrote: »

In my life I've asked 2 guys on dates and both had girl friends

So i dunno

We're all different; we all have different expectations of relationships and life in general.
Asking a guy out? I would never have the balls to
I have thought about it a few times, seen lads in clubs and bars/on the street and though 'he looks cool, it'd be nice to date him if he's single' then i deal with my insecurites (it's not really a lady's job to do the asking, what if he isn't into black girls - the rejection)
The two guys i asked out, i met them through work, unfortunately i didn't know much about them - if i did i would have known that that they had gf's

LooseMoose

Hey haven't read the whole thread if I'm honest just glanced through but got to say as a male who always felt the need to pay for everything (probly to the extent of being a mug).

I would always pay for the first date but it say's a lot for a girl who offers to pay and MEANS it! At this point I find that if a girl doesn't offer and insist with in the first two or three dates there wouldn't be any more as it says enough about them to me.

lecker Hendl

MIN2511 wrote: »

First date = dinner = he pays
First date = drinks -> first drink = he pays and then alternate rounds

Second date = dinner = I pay
Second date = drinks AGAIN = alternate rounds


And if we halve dinner on the first date, I'm sorry but NO to a second date

I'm old school


Oh i should add; i wouldn't just sit there i'll offer to pay...

This post annoyed me a bit. You're probably a reason why this is such an awkward situation.

You say if you halve the bill on the first date, there won't be a second date. Yet you'll offer to pay on a first date (probably the one option that will never happen - either 50/50 or man pays, rarely woman pays). Why won't you go middle of the road. And if you meant by paying on a first date as 50/50 is this not some sort of entrapment? Ya, this post annoyed me.

coffee_cake

I think any of my first dates have been cinema ones
which works out well, cos they'll insist on getting the tickets and then i can insist on getting snacks

eco2live

What about if your first date is a curry in the house and a Dairy milk for desert?

Should you offer half the money when the delivery is at the door? Barge in with your €10. Should you break the Dairy milk down the middle? Should you just roll a bottle of beer around in your mouth and give them a wink and say to them "I will sort you out later for that"?

RachaelVO

I'm not too sure there is a right or wrong answer here.

I personally wouldn't allow anyone to pay for what I had. If he did insist on paying, or paid without give me a chance, I'm paying for drinks, simple as. I wouldn't feel remotely comfortable allowing someone I didn't know that well pay for me. Especially in this day and age, as women we are not helpless and we work and play, and we should be able to stand up and be counted. Many women fought hard for equal rights, and we cannot pick and choose the areas we want to feel equal in.

Maybe I'm not the right person to answer this though. Especially as (Going slightly OT), but in our household there isn't an ounce or romance, we don't buy each other presents at all, for valentines, anniversary, birthday or christmas. We treat ourselves all through the year, going for nice dinners, night out etc; It's far nicer than dumb grand gestures, and then you don't end up with pressies you don't want

cdaly_

bluewolf wrote: »

I think any of my first dates have been cinema ones
which works out well, cos they'll insist on getting the tickets and then i can insist on getting snacks

(me pulls squashed packet of tayto out of one pocket and warm bottle of coke out of the other... )

Fluorescence

I actually find the entire dance rather tiresome. "I'll get this one," "No you won't, put that wallet away. I'm paying." "No look, I asked you out, I'll get the tab." "Don't be silly, I'll sort it out." (and around and around and around we go.............)

ARGH.

I kinda find it rather insulting if someone absolutely insists on paying. I prefer going dutch on everything, but I do think whoever instigated the date should pay (or at least fully expect to pay). It annoys me though that apparently as a society we can't be upfront about what we want or expect when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not a game for you to judge your date by, it's a tab. That's it.

Feeona

HellFireClub wrote: »

You know guys often kind of observe this very situation as a bit of a test to see how a girl might deal with such a situation as it really does say a lot about her character, as it also does for the guy I think, being fair to both genders...

I think a decent genuine guy fully expects to pay for dinner for a date, regardless of who asks who out. This going dutch thing on a first date I think is for muppets who haven't a clue what they are at and I genuinely believe that it is the last refuge of the hungry/miserable scoundrel.

Usuallly a girl will politely offer to pay for half/go Dutch, but any guy who takes up that offer on the basis of it having been automatically extended, I think is pure mean/stingy and to my mind, it demonstrates a fault in the guy by allowing the bill to land on the table to begin with.

By all means if the girl insists on getting you a pint or two after the meal or whatever, that's very considerate and to be accepted I think, it's give and take, but I think any guy worth his salt will have the bill for dinner well settled before this subject comes up for discussion.

Having said all of the above, I wouldn't end up on such a "dinner/meal", date with a girl unless I had been on 1-2 low key dates already and had a fairly consistent positive gut feeling on the whole thing at that stage...

+1000000!


I expect a man to pay for the first date. If he didn't, I'd think he's stingy or has a chip on his shoulder, or both! As Hellfire says it's not a good idea to take someone out for dinner if you don't really know them. It could end up being a really expensive date with a gold digger who'll never call you again! Anybody who gets burned by gold diggers more than once has no-one to blame but themselves.

LooseMoose

Feeona wrote: »

+1000000!


I expect a man to pay for the first date. If he didn't, I'd think he's stingy or has a chip on his shoulder.

I must admit I would always pay myself on a first date, but got to ask why is he stingy when your the one expecting someone else (who you obviously only met or don't know that well yet) to pay for you???

southsiderosie

Every situation is different. I dated a guy for a while who I knew made over two times what I did. He always wanted to go out to eat, was very picky about the place, and liked to order full bottles of wine. Yet we always went Dutch. I finally had to tell him flat out we had to see less of each other, go to cheaper places, or stay in more because I couldn't afford these full-blown nights out 2-3 times a week. That relationship didn't last, and although we are friends now, I feel perfectly comfortable saying that he was and is a total cheapskate...except when it comes to wine and pot. :rolleyes:

The guy I dated after him always insisted on paying, and even when I tried to buy rounds, would usually intervene (and TBH I couldn't keep up with his drinking anyway). So every now and then I would show up for dates with a new book for him, not necessarily as a quid pro quo, but rather because I liked him and wanted to show that I appreciated the fact that he regularly took a broke student to nice restaurants and wonderful plays and other things that I could never do on my own.

So I guess this is a long way of saying that I don't think there are hard and fast rules, but every situation is contextual, and being able to read the context properly is the key to not alienating or embarrassing the other person.

coffee_cake

Feeona wrote: »

+1000000!


I expect a man to pay for the first date. If he didn't, I'd think he's stingy or has a chip on his shoulder, or both! As Hellfire says it's not a good idea to take someone out for dinner if you don't really know them. It could end up being a really expensive date with a gold digger who'll never call you again! Anybody who gets burned by gold diggers more than once has no-one to blame but themselves.

you what

WindSock

I guess I just have a lack of respect for anyone who sits on their hands when the bill comes, male or female. I don't want to be that person myself, I always offer my share but if the other party insists I won't argue or cause a scene but politely accept and I get it back the next time. Tap water is one me :cool:

As far as most dates go, I like to split the bill. But for some reason I feel differently about the first date. I think the person that asked the other out should pick up the bill. It's kinda linked to the idea of trying to win someone over in my head; picking up the bill shows that you're treating them and is bound to make them feel greatful and think you're generous.

God...

Feeona wrote: »

+1000000!


I expect a man to pay for the first date. If he didn't, I'd think he's stingy or has a chip on his shoulder, or both! As Hellfire says it's not a good idea to take someone out for dinner if you don't really know them. It could end up being a really expensive date with a gold digger who'll never call you again! Anybody who gets burned by gold diggers more than once has no-one to blame but themselves.

I think your the one with a chip on your shoulder and stingy expecting things.

x in the city

thebiggestjim wrote: »

Guy should pay for the first date, no matter who did the asking out. For the record I am a guy.

That is c0ck to be honest, why should a guy pay... its 2011, not 1978.

If there is chemistry and all that it doesnt matter a cobblers who pays, but this law that a guy HAS to pay is pretty sad.

And, I got no problem paying but dont see why the onus is on a guy, paying for a meal should be the least of anyones worries as long as they have a good time.

Ickle Magoo

God..., resorting to petty insults to counter posters you don't agree with is not permitted on this forum, please read the forum charter before you post here again.

Thanks.

God...

Fair enough, was just my point of view of people with that opinion sorry.

Lady von Purple

This actually came up in discussion on Radio Nova this morning. Some women apparently said in a survey that they wouldn't let a man pay for the first date if they weren't attracted to them. So, date's going badly, they go halves and the guy never hears from them again. Date goes well, they let the guy pay and there's a second date (or hope for one). It's to do with the whole idea of if he pays, you feel like you owe him. I didn't know that logic still existed, tbh. It was an odd discussion.

metrovelvet

Lady von Purple wrote: »

This actually came up in discussion on Radio Nova this morning. Some women apparently said in a survey that they wouldn't let a man pay for the first date if they weren't attracted to them. So, date's going badly, they go halves and the guy never hears from them again. Date goes well, they let the guy pay and there's a second date (or hope for one). It's to do with the whole idea of if he pays, you feel like you owe him. I didn't know that logic still existed, tbh. It was an odd discussion.

Yeah, In the US its the norm for the man to pick up the tab and a very bad sign if he doesnt. Of course the courtesy is that you dont order the lobster so to speak and you follow his lead in terms of what you are ordering, order a starter if does, order a drink if he does, but if you want to send a VERY clear message that you are not interested and there wont be a second date, that is when you go dutch. This is of course outside of college or studenthood which is different.

Poor Craythur

Lady von Purple wrote: »

This actually came up in discussion on Radio Nova this morning. Some women apparently said in a survey that they wouldn't let a man pay for the first date if they weren't attracted to them. So, date's going badly, they go halves and the guy never hears from them again. Date goes well, they let the guy pay and there's a second date (or hope for one). It's to do with the whole idea of if he pays, you feel like you owe him. I didn't know that logic still existed, tbh. It was an odd discussion.

No, I totally get where that woman is coming from. You'd feel indebted to them if you let them pay.

greengiant09

Feeona wrote: »

+1000000!


I expect a man to pay for the first date. If he didn't, I'd think he's stingy or has a chip on his shoulder, or both! As Hellfire says it's not a good idea to take someone out for dinner if you don't really know them. It could end up being a really expensive date with a gold digger who'll never call you again! Anybody who gets burned by gold diggers more than once has no-one to blame but themselves.

funny, not being vindicative but i find that attitude very unattractive. i honestly have no problem in paying for a first date but i would find it an instant turn off if a girl didn't even offer to go halves.

i would perceive women with this attitude as being backward, old fashioned and lacking in independence. i'd much prefer a woman to be modern thinking, strong and show the ability to cope by themselves.

now, this perception may turn out to be completely incorrect but the fact that it is a first date means the guy probably only has limited knowledge about the girls character. you can only judge people on the way they behaved in that short space of time....unless you've known them for a long time.

Iwannahurl

Lady von Purple wrote: »

This actually came up in discussion on Radio Nova this morning. Some women apparently said in a survey that they wouldn't let a man pay for the first date if they weren't attracted to them. So, date's going badly, they go halves and the guy never hears from them again. Date goes well, they let the guy pay and there's a second date (or hope for one). It's to do with the whole idea of if he pays, you feel like you owe him. I didn't know that logic still existed, tbh. It was an odd discussion.

Poor Craythur wrote: »

No, I totally get where that woman is coming from. You'd feel indebted to them if you let them pay.

Poor Craythur, can you elaborate more on that thought process please?

The Lovely Muffin

Personally, I would always offer to go 50/50 on a first date.

I dated someone last year and wanted to go 50/50, he refused, said I could buy him a drink instead, so I did, then when it came to his 2nd/3rd/4th drink (I had one drink all night), he refused to let me pay for them also, even though I offered. I felt bad and awkward tbh.

bluewolf wrote: »

Always look to split half

+1.

I don't get this "the guy should pay for the first date" stuff, I've a cousin like this who thinks guys should pay for everything, and not just on a first date. One of her ex boyfriends was earning around €500 per week (according to her anyway) in his job back in the boom years, and she insisted he paid for her into clubs, took her for dinner once a week, paid for her drinks when out, bought her nice clothes etc. Their relationship lasted about 9 months before he saw her for what she was and dumped her.

She has this thing with every guy she dates, if they have money, the should pay for everything, without her having to offer.

She's never had a relationship last for more than a year because all the guys she dates eventually get bored of her behaviour. She always says she like to meet someone nice, who'll take care of her and fuss around her, but wonders why she can't find anyone like that.:rolleyes:

Wonder how many guys would treat her in such a nice way especially considering how she treats guys.

Apologies for going off-topic.

confuseddotcom

Nah wouldn't agree letting him pay just 'cos it's a first date, or letting whoever set up the date pick up the tab either. Both know beforehand that you're going to get food, you're there because you chose to be there and you plan on eating lol so would always pay half i.m.o.

Maybe later on down the line where things progress between the two people, - with Birthdays or to celebrate something, maybe passing exams or something like that, then I'd see him paying for it as a nice treat. So would let him do something like that when get to know him more when doing something as a gesture has kinda become norm to both .....

Poor Craythur

Iwannahurl wrote: »

Poor Craythur, can you elaborate more on that thought process please?

If I knew that the attraction wasn't there during the first date, I would feel really bad if he paid for dinner when I knew it wasn't going anywhere.

Like I said earlier, whoever asks for the date (male or female) should expect to pay, but if I didn't like the guy, I'd feel bad.

Then again, I wouldn't suggest dinner as a first date, I reckon something more laid back like coffee or a drink is a better idea.

HellFireClub

I think if I'm being fully honest, guys actually like paying. There's a nice feeling to be had after asking a girl out for dinner and having a really good night and treating her well I think, have to say, you won't believe the brownie points a guy gets for helping a girl put her coat on after dinner, I never thought of it as much of an assistance, but I've been told once or twice that it's the biggest sign of a guy with a bit of respect for his girl that you are ever likely to see, apparently anyway!