Doesn't 'miss' his absent dad...

Fittle

In writing this post, I really want to see if there are others out there who have a similar set-up to mine, and if it's the 'norm', or if I'm just thinking too much about it, so I'd appreciate any comments.
Briefly, I have an (almost) 9yr old boy who's dad has not been involved since pregnancy. This was his dads choice, and despite me contacting him sporadically over the years, he always chose not to see his son. He did meet his son, for four hours a few few years back, but even after that meeting, decided that would be it.
My boy seldom, if ever, mentions him. He's made his communion, had many christmases and birthdays and not once, did he EVER 'wish' he had a dad, or 'wish' his dad was there etc. I often bring up the subject to him, when we are having our regular chats ' Is there anything you'd like to know about your dad?' and he looks at me like I'm crazy, answering 'Eh, no!'.
He has no male role model in his life and over the years, I've done as much as I can to ensure that he's around boys - he goes to an all boys school, goes to sports etc - and he's pretty 'boyish' even though it's just him and me in the home.

So my question is really will this explode for him when he hits the teenage years and will I become the baddie ....like, is he holding all this in?

I know that he's never had a dad, so he doesn't miss what it's like to have a dad...but when he was younger, I was sure there would be many 'where's my daddy and why doesn't he love me' conversations. But nada - zilch.
For what it's worth, he is a very happy kid and seems very well adjusted to our life...can't lie to save his life and is very open, so I don't think he's holding anything in just at the moment!

I read about children who have suffered the loss of a parent alot - trying to prepare myself for how he might feel - I even contacted Rainbows who suggested I get my son to write to his dad:eek: To be honest, I thought this was appalling advice, because I could almost imagine my son sitting, waiting for the postman and me knowing, there would be no reply, and also, my son had no interest in trying to contact his dad!

So I guess I'm just rambling now but as he's just turning 9, I can see a few of his personality traits changing and can see he's clearly growing-up, and this whole absent-dad thing is like a white elephant in the room (for me), but doesn't seem to be for him. Am I worrying over nothing??? Are there those who have grown up like my boy, just accepting the fact that you've one parent without the 'longing' in you that you had the other parent, as I assumed would be the case?? Thanks alot

metrovelvet

I think it depends on the child. Your son may have accepted it early on.

They do say though that boys that get obsessed with sports or join gangs are looking for missing masculinities that are usually filled by a father figure.

If it aint broke dont fix it. Good job so far Fittle!

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

They do say though that boys that get obsessed with sports or join gangs are looking for missing masculinities that are usually filled by a father figure.

Who says that:eek:

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

Who says that:eek:

Sociologists.

seamus

I saw an interesting documentary on single parents and separated parents (think it was BBC) a couple of months back.

The general suggestion was that overall, mothers tend to provide the bulk of the parenting up until the teenage years - a more nurturing environment where their needs are taken care of and their identity developed. When the teenage years kicked in then the focus of the child's attention tended to move towards the fathers and their role in defining boundaries while at the same time encouraging the child to take risks, fend for themselves and grow in their experiences.

Now obviously they said it's not as black-and-white as that, but they did find that overall single-mother children (boys and girls) tended to end up in trouble and "off the rails" when they hit their teens than families where there was a strong male presence. This presence didn't necessarily have to be the father; trusted teachers, football coaches, grandparents, etc were all mooted as possible sources of this encouraging yet controlling atmosphere craved by teenagers.
They even found that teenagers whose fathers were absent for the first years of their life but present for their teen years, were less likely to end up in trouble than teenagers whose fathers had left before their teenage years.

The end suggestion was that it was important for both single mothers and single fathers to recognise the particular type of parenting which was required based on the child's age, and there was no reason why a single mother couldn't provide the "correct" parental environment for a teenager. The problem was just that many single mothers continued to parent as they always had, and were too "nice" to their teenagers, leading to them seeking out strong male role models in other areas of life, as metrovelvet suggests.

Fittle

thanks seamus. I am far from 'nice' in the mammy stakes at times...I grew up in a house full of men ( 8 brothers) and I'm the youngest, so while I'm still his mam, I have a bit of male in me somewhere and am hoping the teenage years won't be too difficult....hoping;)

Palmach

Fittle wrote: »

thanks seamus. I am far from 'nice' in the mammy stakes at times...I grew up in a house full of men ( 8 brothers) and I'm the youngest, so while I'm still his mam, I have a bit of male in me somewhere and am hoping the teenage years won't be too difficult....hoping;)

You seem to be doing a good job so far by the sound of things so I wouldn't worry too much. Many single parents raise perfectly well adjusted kids.

coffee_cake

I was the same as your child OP and I never went off the rails.
Of course I am female so it may be different for a boy needing a masculine influence.
But no, it doesn't mean he's holding it in, he likely has just accepted he doesn't "have" a dad and that's how his world is. I've been told a lot by other people that I should have issues about it, or be angry or really curious or whatever, but frankly I had enough love and spoiling in my life that I didn't "long for" another parent.

metrovelvet

When they have never been involved from day one, the child has a chance to accept his or her circumstances.

Its when the loss happens through divorce or after the father has been in the child's life that problems can happen, or when the father plays peek a boo, now you see me now you dont, the worst DOUBLE BIND, that does the damage.

HE might get curious when he gets older Fittle, or when he has his own children. I sometimes watch that show 'Who Do You Think You Are?" , the American version, and I am always amazed by the emotional reaction people have to the stories of their forebearers, people long dead whom they never met. It canbecome a question of identity when people become older.

Fittle

Thanks.

We don't know anyone in our own circumstances - he knows children who's dads aren't around regularly, and who let them down sporadically - they say they'll be there at 3pm and don't turn up till 5pm etc - he also has pals who see their dads at weekends only. And he has a pal who's dad died when he was 2. So he 'gets' the whole thing about different people having different families.

I just always assumed there would be questions and questions and questions...I suppose there were some when he was younger ...4/5ish..and I suppose I answered them age appropriately at the time, so maybe that's done the trick.

Perhaps it's just me - I tend to be the only mam at football on a sunday (other mams go to the training but few go to the actual matches on sunday mornings - clever mams;)) - and sometimes, when I tell people (if they ask) about his dad not being involved, I get that 'look'.... so perhaps it's me that's more aware of it than him

metrovelvet

I never get asked by other adults, not in Ireland anyway. In the US they might refer to questions about 'your husband" because they would assume Im married.

My son asked questions when he was just under 2 and a half.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

I never get asked by other adults, not in Ireland anyway. In the US they might refer to questions about 'your husband" because they would assume Im married.

My son asked questions when he was just under 2 and a half.

I get asked regularly - mainly when I'm complaining about bringing him to another soccer match and someone says 'Would his dad not bring him to give you a break' or when his teacher recently asked me if his dad is very sporty because of his recent love for football:)
In fairness, it's just general conversation that I'd probably say myself to someone, if I didn't know their set-up.

araic88

Having so many uncles probably helps replace missing father figure? I have also heard that boys begin to find it tougher as they get older but I'd say he's much better off with a great mum (you seem to be doing a vg job!) than a foolish dad who's not interested :rolleyes:

Fittle

araic88 wrote: »

Having so many uncles probably helps replace missing father figure? I have also heard that boys begin to find it tougher as they get older but I'd say he's much better off with a great mum (you seem to be doing a vg job!) than a foolish dad who's not interested :rolleyes:

Most of his uncles aren't in the picture either. I have a somewhat dysfunctional family unfortunately - industrial schools, older brothers growing up in the 50s/60s who are now resentful of their childhood and my long deceased parents - there are times I think I'm adopted;). So no, he has a female teacher and no male role model yet...but who knows what's around the corner for me and what wonderful man will come into my life and sweep me off my feet any day now....any day...:P

BigCon

By the sounds of it you're doing a fine job. I wouldn't worry about it too much (who's to say what's normal anyway).
Take the teenage years as they come and try not to over analyze things too much...
Good luck!

metrovelvet

To counter act the lack of a male role model, although I do have male family and friends, they are often abroad etc, what I do is when I see a man doing something kind or admirable or accomplished I point it out to my son, 'ahh look at that man.. did you see what he did?....'

araic88

Yeah as BigCon said, who's to know what's normal. I know plenty of people who had good, present fathers and still went off the rails and others who had no fathers and were very well adjusted.

There aren't many male primary teachers (I know as a single female one :pac: ) but usually many more in secondary school and as people have said, many other ways of having good male role models, coaches, a boss if he gets a part time job when he's older etc. but until and unless the need seems to arise I wouldn't worry!

Fittle

thanks....I just had one of those moments this morning when his pals were talking about their dads in the school line (some had gone to the match last night) and there yer man was, not even a blink or an air of 'what's a dad??' about him. No doubt, it's me who hears these things and looks at him, thinking 'he must be feeling left out of this conversation'....he, on the other hand is oblivious...just thought I'd check out with fellow boardsie if I'm thinking too much, and it appears, I am;)

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

thanks....I just had one of those moments this morning when his pals were talking about their dads in the school line (some had gone to the match last night) and there yer man was, not even a blink or an air of 'what's a dad??' about him. No doubt, it's me who hears these things and looks at him, thinking 'he must be feeling left out of this conversation'....he, on the other hand is oblivious...just thought I'd check out with fellow boardsie if I'm thinking too much, and it appears, I am;)

I think you have to be careful that he doesnt pick up and internalise your feelings that he is missing something.

The way I look at it is a bit like having an allergy to milk or wheat. It means you have a life without creamcakes but you just have to accept it, and once you accept it you wont be staring at other people who can eat creamcakes with envy like you are deprived. OK I know a dad is not a creamcake, but you get what Im saying.

seamus

Just reading back on my post, I'm hoping that I wasn't overly clinical about it. The focus of the programme was more on troubled teens rather than saying that "All kids from single parents are nightmares". For from it, the vast vast majority grow up perfectly normal.
Like everyone else says, it does sound to me like you're doing a fine job and you've got a very pragmatic and easygoing young man on your hands.

RachaelVO

I think you are thinking about this WAY too much!

When he is a teenager you will be the baddie. No question about it. Not because his dad isn't in the picture, because he will be a teenager. He may say something deliberately to upset ya, but that'll only be to get a rise outta ya not cos he means it. It'll be up to you not to take anything he says personally.

He clearly hasn't missed his father, and that's testament to you, so whatever it is you're doing, just keep doing it.;)

Fittle

Okay, less thinking about it and more focussing on the positives of having a pragmatic and easy-going boy:D There were times when I thought this might be ahead of me though...it's funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

dlofnep

Be proud that you have raised this boy on your own, without a father figure. People who split from their child annoy the piss out of me. Single mothers are amongst the many unsung heroes of society.

If he is happy with you, without a father figure - it means you have done a wonderful job at raising him, and making sure he gets enough from you.

RachaelVO

Fittle wrote: »

Okay, less thinking about it and more focussing on the positives of having a pragmatic and easy-going boy:D There were times when I thought this might be ahead of me though...it's funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

If he does turn out like this, seriously, do yourself a favour and leggit!!!! I know I will when the time comes, well either that or send them to a convent (I threaten them with that one EVERY day)

K-9

From reading a couple of threads of yours on the soccer forum you've gone to great lengths to fill the Dad roll and it sounds like you're doing a great job, he seems very grounded and content, seems to have great character.

I do think we can get too hung up on the stereotypes, many single Mums and Dads manage fine and just get on with it. No doubt you'll have your battles ahead but that's just the usual teenage stuff. My lad is coming 13 now and you do see the difference from a couple of years ago but he's a very good lad deep down, hardly a bother with him.

I found the big change came around 7/8 when he was bullied. He learned to accept that's just life, bullies exist and stopped seeking their approval.

Really, in this day and age, most classes probably have at least 50% of kids from a separated/single parent parent category so it isn't the big deal it was.

Fittle

I do no more or less than other mams would do in my situation - and I've learned so much from the soccer forum:D

I just had one of those days today - you know, where you question stuff...but you're right, he'll be grand for another few years anyway, thanks:)

metrovelvet

K-9 wrote: »

From reading a couple of threads of yours on the soccer forum you've gone to great lengths to fill the Dad roll and it sounds like you're doing a great job, he seems very grounded and content, seems to have great character.

I do think we can get too hung up on the stereotypes, many single Mums and Dads manage fine and just get on with it. No doubt you'll have your battles ahead but that's just the usual teenage stuff. My lad is coming 13 now and you do see the difference from a couple of years ago but he's a very good lad deep down, hardly a bother with him.

I found the big change came around 7/8 when he was bullied. He learned to accept that's just life, bullies exist and stopped seeking their approval.

Really, in this day and age, most classes probably have at least 50% of kids from a separated/single parent parent category so it isn't the big deal it was.

I'm sorry but it is a big deal. It is a very very big deal to raise a child on your own.

Just because its common doesnt make it ok. Just because the kids are growing up into well adjusted adults still doesnt make it ok.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

I'm sorry but it is a big deal. It is a very very big deal to raise a child on your own.

Just because its common doesnt make it ok. Just because the kids are growing up into well adjusted adults still doesnt make it ok.

Never said it wasn't, it's a huge societal issue and I've acknowledged that on other threads.

It can be got past, despite the stereotypes, many kids are raised by single Mums and Dads and widowers and they turn into well rounded individuals.

I tend to be a glass half full person though and not a worrier! Challenges are something to make the best out of.

The Lovely Muffin

My dad was absent from my life until I was 19.

I had met him a few times when I was a baby/toddler, but that was only when I went to visit relatives who lived in the same country as him.

I never knew he was my dad until he contacted me when I was 19.

Did I miss him when I was younger? No, to be totally honest.

I was so used to having only one parent, I never really thought about my dad.

I never asked about him, thought about him, wondered where he was, who he is etc.

My mother mentioned him once and I tbh, even then, I didn't want to know who he was or know anything about him.

In my mind, if he didn't want to be a part of my life, then why would I give him the time of day (think about him etc).

All my (then) friends had two parents (as opposed to me having one parent), but even then, I was so used to not having a dad, it didn't bother me in the slightest.

I had no interest in my dad because he was never around for me, so it wasn't like he was walzing in and out of my life whenever it suited him, and I thank him for that. I am appreciative that he stayed away completely rather than being a part-time father/being a father when it suited him.

I have two half-siblings (same dad, different mums) and when I first found out about them, I did have some resentment for them, I didn't want to resent them, but I couldn't help it.

In my mind, they had what I should have had, a father in my life growing up, while I never thought about my dad when I was younger, when he contacted me and I found out about my siblings and I saw photos of my siblings and my dad when my siblings were children, that's when it 'hit' me.

'It hit me' being; I have a father, all my life I didn't have a father and suddenly, there he was.

I don't hate my father, I love him, of course I do, he's my father, but I am angry/upset and hurt that for 19 years, he wasn't a part of my life, that he didn't want to know me, but yet, he had two other children, who he was a part if their lives.

I also love my half-siblings, I have met them once and am meeting them soon again, but it is something we are all taking very slowly as it is a huge, huge change.

It made me wonder, was it me? Was there something wrong with me, different about me that made him not want to be a part of my life, but the answer is no, it wasn't me, there was nothing wrong/different about me, he made a decision not to be a part of my life, for various reasons, one of those reasons being, when my mother was pregnant with me, she decided to move back to Ireland, but due to work/family/other stuff, my father couldn't move. Even if he could have moved with mum, he wouldn't have.

I still have some resentment for my father and half-siblings, I don't want to have/feel resentment towards them, but I can't help those feelings. Hopefully over time those feelings of resentment will disappear.

Want my advice OP? Don't continuously ask your son if he wants to know anything about his father etc, absolutely let me know he can ask you anything at anytime about his father, but let him ask you when he's ready to ask you, that could happen in a few months or two years, your son will ask you, when he's ready to ask. It is important not to pressure him into asking, it is much better to wait until he is ready to ask. I am not saying you are pressuring him, so I apologise in advance if that is how this comes across, it is not intended.

It's a huge change from having no father in your life, to having a father in your life.

You feel many different emotions, anger/hurt/upset/resentment//happiness/love/fear/frustration etc. So long as your son knows you are there and you always will be and he can come to you at any time (and at any age) that is absolutely so so important.

Sorry for the essay, if you want to ask me any questions, go ahead and I will answer as best I can.

talkin

everybody is different. i really dont think you have anything to worry about. from what iv read you are all he needs. one parent worth two. Am I worrying over nothing??? Are there those who have grown up like my boy, just accepting the fact that you've one parent without the 'longing' in you that you had the other parent, as I assumed would be the case?? there are many people that have grown up without the longing that you have the other parent. esp when the other parent has chosen not to be part of the childs life.

Fittle

Wow, thanks for that purple bobbin - you've taught me alot.

Just to clarify, and I know you apologised, but I don't force him to talk about his dad. I just bring him up in very casual conversation - never in a 'deep and meaningful' way, purposely, so he doesn't feel like it's something I pressure him to speak about. Hand on heart, the kid has no interest and is exactly like the kid you were when you were younger.

thanks for mentioning the other stuff too - my son has an older sibling and knows about her, although he's never met her. But he also has a younger half-brother who I only recently found out about myself (my ex is in a new relationship:rolleyes:). So that's something that I think about - his thoughts when he realises that his dad is raising one son, having rejected him.

so thanks again for that - again, it's opened my eyes to how he might feel in the future. But then none of us knows what's around the corner for him and how he'll feel.

Thanks again, much appreciated.