Baby Number 2-Need advice

upset12

Hi All,

i'm a first time poster & i'm looking for advice (or maybe i just want to let of steam!!:mad:)
I had a little boy 8 months ago & love him to bits, he's such a good placid little boy! Mr upset12 is great with him & loves him to bits too! We both work full time & while it's hard work we are coping quite well...

Since i had my baby all i've being thinking of is having another, i feel emotional & physically ready for another baby & also told my husband that i would like our kids close in age.. i would love to start trying for number 2 now however my husband says 'NO' we have a wedding abroad next May so we are tight for time.. we had a big talk last nite & he dismissed everything i said i feel like he has made his mind up & that's that !! (We r both quite stubborn!) I cried myself to sleep last nite as i know his word is final & there is nothing i can do, i love him to bits but feel so resentful & bitter towards him @ the moment..i suppose what i'm looking for is a bit of support & advice i really dunno how to cope for now!! He said we can try next May after the wedding & maybe it's just so fresh but i'm really upset about it & can't seem to shake the feeling off!!
I really need your help as i have noone else really to turn too xx

wmpdd3

I understand the urge to have another. Since 4 days after my 6 month was born I have had an all encompasing urge to get pregnant again. She was a big surprise.

With my job its better to come back to work pregnant, then draw a line under it once you have 2. We were waiting 7 years for this one.

Te only thing stopping up going again is money. There's no way around it, its the only consideration. We both know it and have accepted it.

I agree with the idea of having them close together.

I wonder do partners realise what how important the make up of your family is to women. I'm sorry I dont have more advice on what to do with your husband, to be honest I'm the boss in our relationship!

Trying next may isn't the end of the world, there would be 2 1/2 years between your kids. This is how many years there was between my siblings, we killed each other!

I would let him get used to the fact there will be a baby in the house in 18 months time. If your around the same age as me, if this baby came along when you are planning, it would be my last baby due to age. Does he realise this? If its a boy, that's probably it he'll not have a girl.

Reading over this I think I sound a bit bitchy towards him, so I can't imagine what you are going through.

One, thing I wouldn't even think of stopping your contraception to get what you want. It could end you marriage. You and your child are the most important people in his life and he should be empathic of how you are feeling.

Moonbeam

It is normal once mine were 6 weeks old I wanted and felt ready for #2 and I would have been but it is nice to a few months sleep before the all day sickness is back.

How Strange

I always said if I was having kids then I'd want two. My husband would be very happy with just one but he knows if we can then our little fella will have a sibling. My little lad is 10 weeks and I've been very run down since he was born so I've decided I want to wait until he is one before we start again. Also I want to just enjoy our son for a yearand give him our full attention before going again.

angelfire9

Well according to this:

http://thedailyedge.thejournal.ie/sugar-and-spice-two-daughters-is-the-key-to-happiness-116420-May2011/

REASEARCHERS CLAIM THAT having two daughters is the answer to an harmonious household.

I've 2 girls with a 9 year age gap :eek:

My work is done :D

Moonbeam

I have 2 with a 2 year age gap,now all I want is 2 sons to match;)

upset12

Hey Thanks for all the replies!! I dunno maybe i am being selfish ... our little lad has slept thru since 5 weeks & is so good that's probably why i feel so ready for number 2! It's such a hard situation as my hubby doesn't want to be pushed into it & i don't want to be pushed out of it iykwim there is just a really strong urge inside me to have another baby i really can't put it in words!! I would never 'trap him' by coming off the pill or anything cos i'm all for honesty in a relationship! Age probably isn't a factor for me cos i'm 30th but we both want 3 kids & i think it makes more sense to have 2 & 3 with a gap rather than 1 & 2 with a couple of years gap as he wants!! I don't want to be feeling resentful towards his cos he is a great dad & husband but i dunno what i can do to escape the feeling i have!!!
Moonbean i was lucky has had no tirdness or sickness during my pregnancy probably another reason why i want to go again..altho i know the next could be completely different!
I just feel all over the shop today thanks a mil for all yer replies it's good to hear other peoples situations & anglefire 9 maybe i'll have twin girls next time around lol

crazy cat lady

Hey upset12. Congratulations on your little man

Its 100% normal to want another baby after having your first. Its a hormonal thing and most women experience it! I know I did and we actually fell pregnant again when my daughter was 6 months old. Unfortunately we lost the baby, but, as with most things in life I believe it happened for a reason! The baby would have been due this week and I know that I would have had trouble coping. Toddlers are really hard work, and there have been a good few nights with teething and sniffles where I have not had as much sleep as I want or need. My husband is in college full time and I have to work too. My little lady is still in nappies and the thoughts of having 2 bums to look after at the minute is enough to put me off for a good while! In hindsight, I think I probably wanted to be pregnant again moreso than wanting another baby. They may sound mad but I was so nervous my whole pregnancy, i don't think I really enjoyed it and it seemed to be over an done with just as I was getting used to it.

I would suggest giving yourself a couple of months to let your hormones completely return to a pre-pregnancy state. Enjoy your little fella while you only have him to worry about. If in a couple of months you still feel the same, maybe bring the subject up again with your husband. At least he has agreed to start trying again after the wedding, its not like he's saying 'never'.

Baby number 2 will come In the meantime enjoy every second with baby number 1 because the time goes by so fast!

wmpdd3

In hindsight, I think I probably wanted to be pregnant again moreso than wanting another baby.

That is many people's answer when I say I want an other, people with 3 4 and 5 kids, so I would trust them.

Even people who have spent the last 3 months in agony want to be pregnant again as soon as baby 1 is born.... aren't hormones mad!

OP, I guess you have to plan towards next May. If he then tries to move the goal posts, its time to talk and get to the end of what he is thinking.

upset12

Thanks Crazy cat lady for your advice.. i hope you are doing ok you are so strong & i'm definetly taking your advice..things do happen for a reason & maybe my husband is just being sensible about it!
I know he definitely wants more kids so i'll just hang on till next year , really appreciate all yer help... xxxxx

CathyMoran

Like you I was incredibly broody after our son was born and my husband let me try after 5 months, none of us expected to get lucky so soon but am heavily pregnant with a little girl now. I have found that the teething really kicked in after 5 months and he has gone into the creche and as a result we have all had bad colds (not easy when you are heavily pregnant or on our son). I can not lift my son or play with him as much as I want at this stage so I worry that I am missing out on things with him - his daddy is playing a very active role in his day to day life that I feel that I am missing out on. We do feel lucky to be pregnant again but because of the short age gap we know that our family is completed, I could not manage another pregnancy and I had always wanted 3 initially. If you are very young and in perfect health and have full support from your husband then it is great, otherwise wait a while as it is a family decision after all.

upset12

Hi Girls Just an update for ye... i wish i could jus stop feeling the way i do cos me and Mr Upset12 haven't stopped fighting since i posted this!! We seem to be going around in circles!! i want a baby straight away he doesn't!! The argurment is Him V Me... i dunno how we are gonna find a way thru this i have never felt so strongly about anything before this!! I'm at my wits ends we are fighting every evening & going thru his side & my side there's no end!!! I feel like like eveything he is doing or not doing is annoying me because of this!! Any advice? I feel so emotional & upset about this!!:mad:

crazy cat lady

However strongly you feel, if Mr Upset isn't in the same place as you right now, then you may as well be banging your head up against a brick wall.

The fighting isn't good for your relationship and also your baby will pick up on any tension between you and could cause unrest for the little one.

If he did give in and say 'ok, lets have another baby' would you really be happy to go ahead knowing that is heart really isn't in it and its a decision you have pressured him to make? He could end up resenting you, and worse still, he could end up resenting the baby.

However hard it is to be patient, I'm afraid that's what you are going to have to be! Having a baby is not a one sided decision, you both need to be on board, but the way you explain your relationship right now, you could end up driving an irreversible wedge and where is that going to get you? Not pregnant now and maybe not pregnant in the long run either!

Enjoy the baby you have. Think of the environment you are creating for all of you to live in at the minute and work on that. Plan as a family when will be the right time to have another baby. Plan things to look forward to until that time comes around; a weekend away, a holiday, a birthday party for the little one. Work on getting yourself into the best physical shape possible as your next pregnancy will undoubtedly be harder as you will be running around after a small person!

The next few months are going to be hard for you, but they will be even harder if you are your husband are fighting all the time.

Hope this helps!

upset12

Hi CCL,

This is my 3rd time to reply to you for some reason i keep getting logged off...RAGE:mad:

Anywho, thanks so much for your responce i was very upset & low this morning i really appreciate your support!
Your right i dont want Mr Upset12 to turn around & say ' let's have a baby' cos i know his heart wouldn't be in it:mad: I dont want to be fighting with him all the time but i have this constant lump in my throat & knot in my stomach that i can't seem to shake off! I have never wanted anything as much as i want a baby right now

I know i have to find a way to come to terms with this i jus wish i knew how!! i dont want to be resenting my husband & being mad with him like i am now...i love him & my son so much & my family is the most important thing in my life!!

I will try take each day as it comes, i know it's gonna be so differecult & i feel quite alone now probably because none of my friends or family are aware of whats going on

Thanks again for your help CCL it's good to know your there for me xxx

Das Kitty

You could try a little exercise of each writing down all your feelings on the subject. Your fears about both having a baby now and not having a baby now. Write as much as possible then swap what you have written. Then talk over each point individually from your own standpoint.

When you're arguing it's hard to get everything out that you may be feeling as you keep interrupting one another. It could help you both.

Also to prevent eruptions you could try holding hands, it's hard to get angry when you're holding hands for some weird reason!

cbyrd

Well i suppose your husband is not saying never he's saying later..
I know that after my 2nd girl i was really broody for 5 years before i broached the subject with my husband. He said absolutely no way in hell. we have 2 and that's plenty.. :eek: but in the end it did manage to be an accident and Ben was born last january. I'm expecting number 4 in september and this was the biggest surprise of our lives he's going to the vet now as we definitely have enough.

I know the absolute focus you have on having another baby, ben was about 2 months old and all i could think of was another one. . every pregnant woman i saw on the street made me so jealous, it was completely irrational, and my husband did say to me no . . he knew i was broody again.

Sometimes we have to listen to the voice of reason, it's a lot easier to travel with one than 2, money would be a consideration too,
I think at the moment all you're hearing is NO when you should listen to all of his argument..it's very easy to dismiss the man's point of view, as i know my argument was i'll be the one pregnant and getting up in the night (breastfeeding)
You need to take a step back and wonder why it's so strong in the last few weeks . .
Medically it's said over a year is best for a womans body to recover from the trauma of having a baby, but also that the pheromones the baby emits decreases with time, and this can trigger a need to have another, it's mother natures way of ensuring the species :rolleyes:

Men can get quite scared of how pregnancy affects us women.. i know my husband nearly wets himself if i wince It was one of the hardest things i had to do in my life was listen to him:D and i'd never admit it but he was right for us to have waited but wrong to say never. I will have 2 older girls of 12 and 9 and ben will be 20 months when this one comes, a lot of work but i have help . .

crazy cat lady

I don't want to worry or scare you by saying this, but you could also have a touch of post natal depression, so a chat with your public health nurse or GP might be worthwhile. Post natal depression can present up to a year or more after the baby is born and is actually more common than most people would like to believe. Its nothing to be ashamed of and is very easily treated. Even if you don't have post natal depression, you've nothing to lose by bringing up the possibility with your GP.

RachaelVO

Aw Upset, I do understand, I have two (girl and boy) and there is 20 months between them. They are fab, and I'm glad I had them close together. Hopefully, (although there's no guarantees) they will be close. I've no doubt they'll kill each other, but hopefully they'll be friends too!

Having said that, and this might not be what you want to hear, waiting a year is NOT going to kill ya!! Your husband is not really being unreasonable, just because it's not what you want! You have what will hopefully be a great trip next year, and you both want to be able to enjoy it thoroughly, so saving you few shillings for it will make it a great trip. Then, with luck when you'll have a healthy newborn happy nearly 3 year old.

Remember as parents, your first obligation is to your marriage/relationship (believe it or not). You need to make sure that's ok, and once that is you're childrens happiness will usually follow.Trust me, when my daughter has just turned 4, and when she sees her daddy and have give each other a hug, she LOVES it. So a good marriage does rely on compromise. Remember your husband didn't say no, he said next year, it's really not a deal breaker.

Sorry about the lecture, in short, my advice is to enjoy your son, he is coming up to the funnest stage of talking and walking, and your life as you know it is about to become totally mad, look forward to your trip next year, and save like mad for it! Enjoy every minute of the wedding, then let the madness of pregnancy and raising two children begin!

LegacyUser

Your husband is right with not having a second baby yet. You have a event next May and you should go and enjoy this without 2 small children or 1 child and pregnant with another.
I know someone who had a baby a month ago and her other child has just turned 2.
She is finding it hard going being short of sleep and the 2 year old need a lot of attention.
I know several people who had children close together and never ending lack of sleep, making bottles and baby brain nearly broke up one of the couples.
I would not forget that it was you and the other half before baby.
Enjoy what you have at the moment.

jackben

hi just seen your thread now, i no exactly how your feeling. my son is only 4 and half months old and since he was a week old i kept thinking i cant wait till number 2, and i still feel that way but then i sometimes feel that he is my first born and i want to spend time with just him for a couple years, it wouldnt be fair on him to bring a newborn so quickly he needs to bond with his mam and dad for a couple years and be old enough to understand a new baby, also i thnik i need time myself to get my body back to normal and to enjoy myself before number 2 comes along because i can only imagin how my time wont be mine at all.....so as hard as it might seem try to enjoy your little one and in fairness next may will come upon you before you no it....be strong.

Cat Melodeon

Why not compromise? You want to be pregnant now, he wants to be able to enjoy the wedding next May. Why not agree to start trying next Christmas? That way, even if you get pregnant straight off, you'll still only be 4-5 months pregnant - the best part of the pregnancy and no ill-effects on your ability to enjoy the wedding. I think you are maybe being a bit too impatient and he's being a bit too close-minded. There are ways to keep you both happy. You both probably need to back down a bit first though and listen to each other, then find the middle ground that you both can be satisfied with. It'll give you a few months to get yourself ready for another pregnancy too, start taking your folic acid, go overboard on the kegels etc.