My ex, his partner and our daughter

Smashhits

Looking for a bit of information please.
Separated from my husband last year and he is now living with his new partner. The problem is we have a daughter of 12 who doesn't want to meet with the partner and is, as a result, not staying at all with my ex. I get the feeling she hasn't accepted the separation or doesn't want to accept his new relationship. She says she doesn't miss her dad living with us but that she's not sure about staying with him in his new house. It was because of his cheating with this other person that the separation occured.

I don't want to stop my daughter from spending time with her father but I don't want to force her to do something she's not happy with either. I must admit I'm not particularly excited about them meeting but this is life now and he still has a responsibility to his daughter.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Moonbeam

For now maybe if he takes her out but drops her home after or if you let him visit her in your house?
It is really hard to deal with parents splitting up as well as been a 12 year old girl,try to encourage their relationship but do not force her in to anything.
It is hard to deal with your parents having new partners and isn't something she can be just told to cop on and do,it just takes time.

Smashhits

Thanks for the reply moonbeam.
That's the way we've been doing things for the past number of months but I would like to have something more solid/concrete, if that makes sense. I currently work full time and my ex is unemployed. So he would collect her from school but as she doesn't want to be in his house they end up driving around or walking around town.

mylittlepony

Would it be possible for your daughter to have house key to let herself and dad in yours + her own home after school until you come back from work instead of hanging around town or driving nowhere..

Smashhits

We've agreed that he'll take my daughter to his place on the days when his partner is at work, should avoid putting too much pressure on my daughter for the moment.

Sunnyisland

As your daughter is only 12 years of age it would be very hard for her to accept all these new changes in her life, so my advice would be be that she meets her father on a one to one bases untill she comes to terms that mother & father are no longer together,this could be a long process and is going to take some time and is very hard for everyone concerned.

gossipgal08

It was because of his cheating with this other person that the separation occured.

I take it your child knows this? At 12 she is old enought to have a say in her life. You and her father can force her to accept this woman in her life. Give her the time to come around to it herself

Smashhits

gossipgal08 wrote: »

It was because of his cheating with this other person that the separation occured.

I take it your child knows this? At 12 she is old enought to have a say in her life. You and her father can force her to accept this woman in her life. Give her the time to come around to it herself

Yes both my children (older son of 17) are aware of the reason for the separation. I agree that she is old enough to have a say and we both (her father and I) agree that she can't be forced to do anything she isn't comfortable with. I suppose i was hoping there would be somebody else out there experiencing the same problems and how they dealt with it.

It's not a very nice situation to be in but my kids welfare is and has always been my first priority. Thanks for all the replies.

Goldenlady

This is a very hard situation, and Im just throwing in my two cents. My partners youngest child was 11 when I met her first. It took time, but she eventually took to me. He had an affair and his marriage ended, but this was all before I met him. So his daughter knew that. At the same time, one of her best friends, same age, her parents seperated due to the father having an affair, he continued this relationship and moved in with his new partner. From what I heard from my own partners daugher, they forced their own daughter to spend time with her father and his new partner and it was possibly the worst thing they did. To this day, she refuses to be in either of their company. It has totally gone wrong, so I definitely would not try and force it on her, she will decide in her own time when its right.
From speaking with my partners daughter who is now almost 17, she said that at the beginning she was just very confused and did like me, but felt that her Mom and Dad could have got back together if I wasnt on the scene, she said its only in later years she realised this would have never happened, regardless whether I was there or not.
If she has a circle of friends that maybe you know their mothers, perhaps you could find out what she is saying to her friends, they will always be the ones that know exactly how she is feeling?
best of luck

Smashhits

Thanks goldenlady, I appreciate hearing someone elses views on the situation. I won't be forcing her to do anything she's not comfortable with. I want her to have a relationship with her father as she loves spending time with him and I don't want to jeopardise that.
My daughter has a lot of friends whos parents have separated and she seems to accept that but i suppose it's totally different when it's your own family.
thanks again, i'll be working at keeping my daughter happy

champie

Hi just give you a different angle on this I was 12 when my parents seperated my Dad met a new partner when I was 14 I resented this woman as I felt if it wasn't for her my parents would get back together.

I felt that if I spent time with my Dad's new partner that I would be letting my Mum down.

20 years on I get on great with her but it did take time

My point is does your daughter think that if she drives the other woman away that you will get back together with her dad.

Good luck with it give her time and space