So confused - new neighbour ex's friend

LegacyUser

Looking for a bit of guidance on this one.

I have a daughter who is 7 years old, has never seen her father despite my best efforts, his choice not to see her. She had some contact with the rest of his family but the novelty wore off there too cos he did not want her in the parents house (they told me this) so there requests to see her stretched and stretched and they have not seen her in months now.

Anyway about a month ago the house ajoining mine went up for rent, what seemed like a lovely couple moved in and all good. However my daughter was convinced this man is her father because she seen photos of him in her granny's house, I find her staring at him every time he walks past like she is waiting for him to say hello to her.

Today I was putting out my bins and I noticed his name was on his bin so I googled him on facebook, turns out my daughters father is within his photos at weddings/ stag parties etc. and both are from the same small village so looks like my daughter was right she did recognise him but presumed he was her father as oppposed to her real father if you know what I mean . He is due to get married and my ex is to be the best man (all this on facebook) so they are obviously very good friends.

How is best to deal with this with her, what if her father calls next door, I know he will ignore her so do I try convince her she is wrong about this lad, she said it again to me this evening that she had seen her dad. I'm a bit taken back too I haven't seen him in years and the thoughts of opening my door and seeing him getting out of a car next door frightens the bjaysus out of me because I am still angry about the way he has treated his daughter. I know nobody only his family knew back then my daughter exists as she's the big dirty secret of their family but find myself convinced this lad is watching her,totally paranoid at this stage.

Someone talk some sense into me, am I over reacting, do I completely fob my daughter off if she continues to mention it, I think alot of it is wondering if this lad now knows about my daughter and knows who I am which makes me a little uncomforable cos I feel like we're being monitored or maybe I'm wrong and he knows nothing at all, see i'm going around in circles and getting no where.

Moonbeam

What does iykwim mean?

cee_jay

Moonbeam wrote: »

What does iykwim mean?

if you know what I mean

Moonbeam

Thanks.
I have edited the post appropriately.

ash23

I would just be honest with her. She's 7, she has good comprehension. She knows what she saw in her grandparents house. Just tell her that as far as you know, yes, she did see a picture of this man in the house and he is good friends with her dad.
Personally I would also let this guy know who you are so he can, in turn, let your ex know that his daughter is living next door to his best mate and can avoid the house if that is what he chooses to do.

You'll drive yourself mad wondering so just take the bull by the horns and deal with the situation.

It's not a nice situation but your daughter needs to know this man isnt her dad and fobbing her off won't work.

LegacyUser

Ash, thank you so much for your reply, I had considered doing very similar but then was wrecking my own head with what if's. I'm going to do what you suggested and hopefully he'l pass the message on and then maybe will steer clear and if not I will have to deal with whatever happens then.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply

Cat Melodeon

Hi OP, I agree with Ash. I think you should first talk to your new neighbour and let him know not only who you and your daughter are but maybe also mention that your daughter mistook him for your ex because of the photos just in case she approaches him (or his girlfriend) and causes some sort of misunderstanding. If you do it the right way, he'll probably get a laugh out of it and you won't have an awkward situation with your new neighbours. He'll also probably feel more at ease about telling your ex if he has met you and had a positive impression of you.

As far as your daughter goes, I'd explain that it's her dad's friend and that she knows him from the photos in her grans house. If you don't have a recent photo of your ex, maybe print off a photo of him and the neighbour from Facebook so she can see that they are not the same person.

It's kind of lousy that his family started contact and then cut it off, very confusing for your daughter. Still, it doesn't have to mean that your relationship with your neighbours has to be awkward or in any way hostile. It's up to your ex to decide whether or not he wants to 'risk' running into the two of you, but if it is a thing that he starts to call over, let's hope he's mature enough to deal with your presence next door in some way rather than sneaking in and out. I hope it doesn't turn into a stressful situation for you (watching every car that pulls up etc). If it does, maybe you'll have to bite the bullet and contact him directly.

cordub

It's kind of lousy that his family started contact and then cut it off, very confusing for your daughter. Still, it doesn't have to mean that your relationship with your neighbours has to be awkward or in any way hostile. It's up to your ex to decide whether or not he wants to 'risk' running into the two of you, but if it is a thing that he starts to call over, let's hope he's mature enough to deal with your presence next door in some way rather than sneaking in and out. I hope it doesn't turn into a stressful situation for you (watching every car that pulls up etc). If it does, maybe you'll have to bite the bullet and contact him directly.[/QUOTE]
i feel so sorry for you , what a position to be in and so hard when there is a 7 year old involved, Its a really confusing age too i have a child of this age , It sounds that she really wants a father figure too the poor little one. I would be as honest as you can with her though i have to say that I think that If it were me I feel for your childs peace of mind and yours I would get in contact with her father and ask him to maybe stay away from your neighbours , at least you could relax i can only imagine the stress you must be under !!!If he doesnt realise the friend is next door to you at least you are telling him and he can then make an informed choice!! hopefully the friend might move somewhere else soon !!!Put the little girl first in any choice you make anyway as the kids only get more emotionally effected the older they get!!

Queen-Mise

the truth is usually easier. Tell the neighbour about your daughters misunderstanding. And then explain to your daughter that he looks similar but is not her father.

I would also send her father a solicitors letter telling her father that she really wants to meet him and is asking lots of questions. That is all you can do now for the moment, the best by your daughter.

di11on

Here is a quote that I have found to be very true and is always worth bearing in mind when communicating difficult things to our children:

Jerome Bruner 1915 wrote:

Any subject can be taught effectively in some intellectually honest way to any child at any stage of development.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks again for all the feedback. Got the opportunity to say it to neighbour on Saturday and to be fair to him he was very pleasant about it. He had no idea of who my daughter was or any link to her father, he was a bit taken back by it all but said he would say it to ex so hopefully it will avoid any possible problems with ex turning up. Told my little one that she was right about knowing him because she seen pictures at her gran and grandads of him but he was not her daddy. She is so proud telling her friends she knows the man next door because he's her daddy's friend which I find sad for her but she is so content now and thats all that matters, as for ex and whether he will turn up next door only time will tell.

ash23

glad to hear it's pretty much sorted. Fingers crossed the ex doesn't stir up anything but at least for now your daughter knows whats what.