Teenage sexuality/Pls help me I am so out of my depth!!

Pandora2

Hi folks have been trawling this all day for something related to my problem!! And you guys are it! What are teenagers up to? Now I am no fool and definetly not a prude, I have a 24 year old who made it thru the teenage stage very well however, the 15 year old well that's another matter. She brought her boyfriend home a few weeks ago, a nice guy of similar age, and on Monday last I left them in the house whilst I did the shopping, I have no problem leaving them in the house and I have told her if she feels things are getting serious.......let me know and it is off to the Well Woman we shall go! However on this day her female pal was there....on returning home I ran to the living room window, to ask them to help me carry the shopping in but when I got to the window all three were on the couch farthest back in the living room and there was something very obviously going on between all 3........I knocked and their guilty reaction was enough. Daughter answered the door her jeans undone (panicked and did not zip up), as far as I could tell there was some serious heavy petting going on!! They assure me it was the first and last time and that all the teenagers are doing it, I countered with what they say and do are very different but adults would be hard put to deal with a threeway never mind vulnerable teenagers whose emotions arein a heap anyway...is this normal?? Have any of you heard of similar situations..Truthfully I am out of my depth, was never stupid about sex and teenagers, I was one myself, but this has thrown me...any advice??

smelltheglove

I havent been through this stage as my kids are still young but all I can say is try to be open and supportive. A possibility is one of the girls may be confused about their sexuality, wanting to experience this alongside a girl friend, as far as I know a threesome at this age it is not that common (I could be wrong).

Obviously you care very much about your daughter and the more open you can be the better, I would sit down with her and speak to her about not only any sexual feelings and experiences she may have or want to have but the importance about being open with you about it, that you will be there to help her through it but also the fact that whatever was happening, was happening in front of an open window where anyone could come up and see which is not on, her private life should be kept in private, away from neighbours view.

Pandora2

Fairly spot on, I read them the riot act....emphasised their stupidity about not closing the blinds, told them that even adults would be very wary of such liasions and fantasies were almost always better left that way as reality never matches up but that fantasies were perfectly normal. You are 100% correct, as the other girl feels she is bi-sexual. I have no problem with same sex relationships and if my girl told me she was gay tomoro it would not be a major issue however, it is the menage a trois that concerns me, she keeps hugging me and saying I won't do it again Mum...I think she realises I was more scared and shocked than angry...feeling very bloody old and its not something I want to discuss with friends....her private life her business and all that. Thanks for the response.

smelltheglove

Fair play to you Pandora, you seem like you are close to her and it is good that she can speak to you about it. I hope I can be the same with my girls when they are that age. I do think petting etc is normal enough at this age, I had girl friends in school who had sex by the age of 14:eek: so I know the kids are doing things yound, I wouldnt try convince myself otherwise and I am sure you are the same, I dont think it is great for a 15 year old to be having that sort of relationship but if you cannot deter them then you need to educate and protect them.

Having said that, there is also a point to be made about how unlikely the relationship is to stand the test of time if both your daughter and her boyfriend were happy to have a friend get involved in their intimacy and I would try and discourage her from taking things any further with this boy unfortunately.

Pandora2

Vis a vis my own experiences, I had my first sexual experience with a Girlfriend at 15 (petting as you describe).... I think it was necessary as we were terrified of boys and getting pregnant..It was 1980 in small town Ireland! We were not the popular girls...this I know now was safe exploration and was my one and only foray into intimacy with another female, I saw her recently at my Mother's Funeral and we are still great mates and both straight as a dye. I tell you this only to reassure you that I am a realist and I know communication is all. I will keep talking to her and in time we will get through this I am sure, actually it is my ignorance of what kids are at these days that more concerns me...whatever next is my fear!! Truth be told on Monday evening I was wishing she was just out and out gay, I was prepared for that eventuality!!

CluelessGirl

Pandora2 wrote: »

Vis a vis my own experiences, I had my first sexual experience with a Girlfriend at 15 (petting as you describe).... I think it was necessary as we were terrified of boys and getting pregnant..It was 1980 in small town Ireland! We were not the popular girls...this I know now was safe exploration and was my one and only foray into intimacy with another female, I saw her recently at my Mother's Funeral and we are still great mates and both straight as a dye. I tell you this only to reassure you that I am a realist and I know communication is all. I will keep talking to her and in time we will get through this I am sure, actually it is my ignorance of what kids are at these days that more concerns me...whatever next is my fear!! Truth be told on Monday evening I was wishing she was just out and out gay, I was prepared for that eventuality!!

I just wanted to say that I really admire your parenting skills. I think the way that society is today it is important to keep all channels of communication open with your kids and to be on ball and to talk about it rather than give out and scream etc....it is so much wiser. If I ever have kids this is defo the way to go.

Society has changed so much and a clip around the ear will not work now.

Fair play to you.

CK2010

id put it down to just natural exploring and the likes but one thing i would be wary of is if it was a case of 'what guys want'. what is shown on tv to be 'sexy' and her re-enacting it because she wants to impress him or turn him on. because if it was to please her boyfriend then you need to kind of be wary of where she will stop to please him. i could be way off the mark with that, but its just something to be aware of. i dont want to cause a problem thats not there, just maybe another angle to keep in mind when discussing it with her.

Pandora2

Thank you for the responses folks...thank you so much for the support, I doubt myself all the time in this parenting lark and am glad of your thumbs up Regarding the boy, I am wary of creating a Romeo and Juliet effect and figure if I'm willing to think my daughter is capable of making such a mistake then so is he/anyone. I have told him he is under close scrutiny...they are not allowed in my or his house, or any house without parental supervision but if they prove their maturity I will revise my stance. He thanked me for giving him a 2nd chance and assured me of his best intentions/that he respected the girls, one as a friend and one as his girlfriend..I made the point that this was not the way to show respect at any age. I was quite impressed with his mettle!! I have made swoop attacks on FB & the mobile and she has co-operated all the way without resentment and she undertands that I dislike invading her privacy but that it is my responsibility to get up in her business so to speak. I've found nothing to concern me I stress. I also confided in my older daughter who is a rock of sense....not for her to intervene but to be aware....same with my husband on the basis that I can't be everywhere all the time....so we are moving through it.. I have seen the other young lady a couple of times since and she has hugged me and seems ok, she was the most upset the day I caught them (I thought she might hyper-ventilate) and the young man has been ill with a "bug" but in touch with daughter by text in the normal fashion and we expect to see him over Easter. I am aware he may have been the pressure to get into this and so I have spoke at length with my daughter about respect and the pleasures of intimacy within a mutually respectful relationship and that if he indeed was the instigator it begged the question did he really like her or what she would do for him?? How far would she have to go to keep him happy? She assured me again that this was the stupidest thing she had ever done and that he was a really nice boy and not demanding of her. I'm still watching though!! As it goes I am at defcon 4...I'll keep you posted PS posting here worked.. I feel ok with this for now:) Thanks again, a problem shared and all that!

Sleepy

Just want to say well done Pandora2, sounds like you handled it really well.

As the father to a 2 year old girl, this makes me dread what may be ahead of me in the future though!

Pandora2

@ sleepy IMO no matter how well prepared you think you are kids will always serve you up a curve ball when you least expect it!! From the cradle to about age 22!!:rolleyes: Just to keep you on your toes you understand!!