Obsessed parents

Acoshla

BostonB wrote: »

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all.

See, I totally understand that people with young kids will always talk about them a lot because most of their time and thoughts revolve around them, but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending. I can listen to someone yap on about their kids for quite a while when they know where outsiders' interest stops and when they tell me in a manner that they would use with any other topic. But if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

CK2010

i still remember the time i called my friends to tell them my girl took her first steps- they screamed so loud into the phone i swear id go deaf.
and then when she was sick in hospital they cried with me.
but if id have thought they were thinking 'what a bore' any time i talked about her id actually be really upset. even if i was talking about her 24/7 id never want to share any of those kind of moments with them again if i knew they felt that way.

Also, Spadina, that reminds me of one time i was in a shop with friends and my friend said something about a handbag being nice and i agreed. some woman said 'wait til ye young ones have kids and then yous wont be wasting ridiculous money on things you dont need', the look of shock on her face when i said ive a child at home! (i was 18, and very young looking at the time so i think that added to her shock!) but i love when things like that happen!

il admit that there are some things childless people cant comprehend until they have kids but for the most part they are human beings so they can at least understand even if they have never felt it or experienced it. i guess its kind of like grief, (very morbid!) you know its a painful process even if you've never gone through it, but when you do go through it you can comprehend it fully.

I am a friend

And people who don't have kids talk about plenty other than handbags, shoes etc

Why do I still see my friend (and talk to her every day)?? Cos I love the bones of her and we are best friends since we were 11. Cos when they got bad news about her first pregnancy I took time off work to clean her house and do her shopping so they could function and deal with the bad news.

I drove her to hospital and waited in the labour ward til her husband arrived on her next one. I cleaned her kids ass when she was rushed on with a false alarm (and I know she would do it for mine) so please dont patronise me by insinuating I am two faced. this girl will probably be my baby's godmother cos she is a fab mother but she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

Acoshla

il admit that there are some things childless people cant comprehend until they have kids but for the most part they are human beings so they can at least understand even if they have never felt it or experienced it. i guess its kind of like grief, (very morbid!) you know its a painful process even if you've never gone through it, but when you do go through it you can comprehend it fully.

Yes exactly, people without kids don't understand completely but we have some comprehension, grief is a very good way of comparing it, you wouldn't roll your eyes at a friend and say "You don't understand losing a parent/partner/etc until you experience it", most people don't need to experience it to know it'd be awful, people without kids appreciate somewhat how tough/brilliant/tiring/exciting parenthood is without having to do it, we're not simpletons like some parents seem to think!

CK2010

I am a friend wrote: »

so please dont patronise me by insinuating I am two faced. this girl will probably be my baby's godmother cos she is a fab mother but she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

tbh i dont think anyone was patronising you. its just a sensitive issue for some. and i dont think people are calling you a two faced person, i just know that i wouldnt like my friend thinking im a bore just for talking about my kids. it'd hurt. i have no interest in chemistry but i still listen to my friend talk about chemicals/experiments in her lab because shes passionate about it and it makes me happy that shes so happy.

and i know people without kids talk about more than handbags and shoes, i was childless once, although i was 16 then so it pretty much was all about shoes and bags! :rolleyes::)
im just wondering what you'd rather talk to her about?
most people discuss the important/good/exciting things in their life with friends, and for most parents that would be their kids. among other things, but mainly things involving their kids because thats their family and their life.

Ayla

I am a friend wrote: »

And people who don't have kids talk about plenty other than handbags, shoes etc

What? Where'd this come from?

I am a friend wrote: »

Why do I still see my friend (and talk to her every day)?? Cos I love the bones of her and we are best friends since we were 11. ...she does not know how to talk about anything other than kids and I love her girls but it's boring cos no one will ever be as interested in your kids as you are.

Ok, so going back to your original point, do it better. Be the better woman by managing to juggle the pressures of parenting against all of your other interests. Make a point of *not* talking about your kid all the time (and then you'll come up against people who wonder why you don't). And show your friend this thread, I'm sure she'd be interested to know what you really think.

I'm still wondering why you started this thread?...were you assuming that everyone would also jump in against the baby-bores, or were you looking for some form of support that you can balance parenting & the rest of your life?

Fittle

Why do women (particularly) seem to think it's a 'them vs us' attitude and feel like it's condescending when someone says 'you don't have kids, so you don't understand'?
It's not a competition. Mothers who have children don't feel any better than women who don't - we aren't trying to win medals for our parenting - in fact, there are few of us who probably would - most of us (if we're honest) would just admit that we're doing the best we can do for our children - my best may not be someones elses best, but it's still the best I can do!

When someone says 'You don't understand because you don't have children' - that's not an insult!! I have said before here that I have over 20 nephews and nieces, most of whom I half-reared, as some of my siblings lived in our parents when I was younger - some of my nephews and nieces are only a few years younger than me. I changed nappies for 20yrs, I babysat, I took some of them away on holidays with me as I got older - I spent aot of time in childrens company as a young woman in my 20s. And I thought I knew everything there was to know about children.
Until I had my own.

There are no words to explain how different it is when the child is your own - whether you are a birth mother or have adopted. When you have 100% responsibility or that child 24/7, it consumes you and until I had my own child, I never appreciated nor understood the difference in being able to hand a child back to its parents, and being the parent yourself.

So it's not condescending for one parent to say 'you don't understand'...and I can't explain why I also 'didn't understand' until I had my own, but I just didnt! I don't believe anyone should take offence at that statement, because no matter how you react to it, it's basically true!!!

BostonB

Spadina wrote: »

... but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending...

...if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

You haven't quoted anything I said. You've changed what I said, then edited it to look like a direct quote. Don't do that. I never mentioned a need to have kids at all. What I said does not imply that in anyway.

What I said if you think two entirely different things are the same. You don't understand the difference.

CK2010

Fittle wrote: »

There are no words to explain how different it is when the child is your own - whether you are a birth mother or have adopted. When you have 100% responsibility or that child 24/7, it consumes you and until I had my own child, I never appreciated nor understood the difference in being able to hand a child back to its parents, and being the parent yourself.

this!

but at the same time, a person cam sympathise without having their own children, they just cant 100% empathise.

having said that, a mother with more support than id have would not understand or empathise with me in the same way either. its all relative.

a mother with really good kids will never understand how a mother with really bold kids feels. because its not the same

LegacyUser

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

I think they're great, but I was amazed at the amount of stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that never happened to me. I actually felt guilty for this up to a point, but I, my husband and our five lovely children are happy.

As someone said, most aspects of understanding just require basic humanity.

BostonB

CK2010 wrote: »

this!

but at the same time, a person cam sympathise without having their own children, they just cant 100% empathise.

having said that, a mother with more support than id have would not understand or empathise with me in the same way either. its all relative.

a mother with really good kids will never understand how a mother with really bold kids feels. because its not the same

+1

Theres such a vast range of experience, that its unlikely most parents will even understand other parents completely.

Fittle

notlikethatforme wrote: »

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

None of us are blinded enough by love to ignore their bad behaviour. I also was bored rigid in the first year of his life. In fact, I was so bored for most of it, I was convinced I was clinically depressed!

What you describe is just parenting - I often get fed up, fed up of being the only person who cares enough for this child to encourage his good behaviour and chastise the bad stuff. I get fed up of being the one who's responsible for him 24/7 and there are many times when I wonder where the fcuk I have disappeared to!!

It's not plain sailing - none of us can pretend it is - but I think it's the parents who try to pretend it's all sweetness and light that are the ones who annoy others.

I've never been that type - I shout at him when I shouldn't, I chastise him purely because I have pmt and not because of his bad behaviour, I soften sometimes and apologise to him for going ott with the 'grounding' process and then I regret that I've apologised......and the list is endless.
But ultimately, I think we're all just doing our best..even if it's not good enough!

Acoshla

BostonB wrote: »

You haven't quoted anything I said. You've changed what I said, then edited it to look like a direct quote. Don't do that. I never mentioned a need to have kids at all. What I said does not imply that in anyway.

What I said if you think two entirely different things are the same. You don't understand the difference.

Excuse me but I pressed the quote button and just put a bit in bold font, I didn't change the wording at all! But your general kind of condescending tone ("Don't do that", tell your kids what to do not me) illustrates precisely what I find difficult to tolerate in some parents.

BostonB

Spadina wrote: »

Excuse me but I pressed the quote button and just put a bit in bold font, I didn't change the wording at all! But your general kind of condescending tone ("Don't do that", tell your kids what to do not me) illustrates precisely what I find difficult to tolerate in some parents.

Thats really odd then because when I quote it, I get this.

BostonB wrote: »

That because being a parent, is nothing like college, or project. That you think you can compare them, means you don't get it at all. I'm not being condecending, I expect thats the reality for most people. Its just not the same thing at all. Which is why so many get obssessed.



There are bores/selfish people in all walks of life, college, work, sport, parents are no different. The same people probably bored people to death in college about their projects.

A mate in work asked me once why I don't talk that much as others about my kids. I said because most of the time, unless you had a similar experience, people either are not interested, or understand the significance of what you are talking about. Also after a while you realise, you are surrounded by people who may not be able to have kids, or who have lost a child or a baby. So its not very empathtic. Indeed that might be why people might be intense about the kids they do have.

Who knows. Its best to accept that some people with kids, go a little nuts. Its wise to take that into a account.

...and also you said you just quoted part of it...

Spadina wrote: »

See, I totally understand that people with young kids will always talk about them a lot because most of their time and thoughts revolve around them, but the part I have quoted is the part us childless people find the most irritating about parents, the "You don't have any so you don't understand" line, it is incredibly condescending. I can listen to someone yap on about their kids for quite a while when they know where outsiders' interest stops and when they tell me in a manner that they would use with any other topic. But if someone starts doing the eye-rolls and "Until you have one you just won't "get" it" crap, that's when I start to hate it.

I didn't say, or imply "You don't have any so you don't understand" anywhere in what I posted, or indeed the "part" you mis quoted. It simply doesn't say that at all.

KittyeeTrix

notlikethatforme wrote: »

I also disagree with a lot of the 'you wouldn't understand' stuff. People kept telling me it would be different when I had my own.

But it wasn't. I mean, I love mine far, far more than I did others, but I'm never blinded by love in my reaction to their less savoury behaviours. I also never found the likes of sleeping patterns and learning to use a spoon particularly interesting. I am not the type to miss them whenever they go away for a day or so.

I think they're great, but I was amazed at the amount of stuff that's supposed to happen to parents that never happened to me. I actually felt guilty for this up to a point, but I, my husband and our five lovely children are happy.

As someone said, most aspects of understanding just require basic humanity.

I would be very similar to you in that I have 4 kids (aged 9-17) and I never went all Mammy overboard. I love the bones of them all but in relation to some of my friends I'd talk very little about them especially when they were babies.
It's only really now that they are older that I find myself talking a bit more about their achievements and the like.
I've had friends who never shut up about their kids talking about how much inches they've put on in the past 2 months, how fast their 6 month old is growing out of their clothes etc and to be honest I'd die inside of boredom a little more everytime I'd visit.......

I suppose all parents are different and some mothers can talk endlessly about their kids but it definitely wasn't for me, well not the stuff about bottles, nappies, teething etc:)

In fairness and considering I'm a parent since I was 19 I'm not surprised people who aren't parents would go mad listening to it!!! I've found it very difficult to listen to myself over the years....

But as I said, people are different!!

John Mason

i am finding this interesting - i dont have children, now i have no problem listening to my friends talk about their children for a reasonable amount of time but anything more then 30 solid minutes and i have zoned out.

was supposed to be going out for a 40th birthday dinner tonight until i heard who was going, i would be the only person going without children - absolutely no way in hell i could sit there for 3 hours listening to how great their kids are. so i have called in sick - heading out with my childless friends instead.

as much as parents talk about "you dont understand" or "it would be different if you had your own" - those comments work both ways "you dont understand that i have no interest in what the teacher said" and "it would be different if the shoe was on the other foot"

Fittle

irishbird wrote: »

as much as parents talk about "you dont understand" or "it would be different if you had your own" - those comments work both ways "you dont understand that i have no interest in what the teacher said" and "it would be different if the shoe was on the other foot"

You're wrong - we all had no children ourselves at one point you know - and none of us were interested in listening to people drone on about their kids for 30 minutes either, so we do understand. I said earlier, this isn't a 'them vs us' scenario.

It's the same no matter what life experiences we all have.

If I chose to talk about my parents deaths, someone who hasn't experienced a parents death can empathise yes, but they don't understand until their own parent dies.

If my friend chose to talk about the death of her sister, I can empathise, but I can't understand her pain because I haven't experienced the death of a sibling (thankfully).

It's just that we all have different life experiences and we all chose to talk about our own life experiences. I am a parent, and sometimes, I chose to talk about my child. That doesn't make me a baby-bore - it just makes me someone who talks about something she has experienced.

BostonB

Maybe I'm in the minority, or maybe its a guy thing, but I don't think any of my friends would spend more than about 5 mins, talking about kids. The exception to that would be close family, or if they were in the middle of some serious issue. TBH you could spend 20 mins talking about something else, before you'd remember to ask about some issue with their kids.

I think a lot of parents would often think about when they had no kids. Its bit like thinking back when you lived at home, or were at college or were single etc.

Fittle

BostonB wrote: »

Maybe I'm in the minority, or maybe its a guy thing, but I don't think any of my friends would spend more than about 5 mins, talking about kids. The exception to that would be close family, or if they were in the middle of some serious issue. TBH you could spend 20 mins talking about something else, before you'd remember to ask about some issue with their kids.

I think a lot of parents would often think about when they had no kids. Its bit like thinking back when you lived at home, or were at college or were single etc.

It's a guy thing;)

I had a house party yesterday - bouncy castle for the little fella, great fun. Most of the adults stayed, mainly the mothers. There were two dads who were here for about an hour, and I overheard both of them on their phones....Dad one told someone he 'couldn't get out to watch the match because I'm minding the children'...Dad two told someone else he was 'babysitting today coz herself is gone shopping'.

Not one woman I know would use the term 'minding' or 'babysitting' their OWN KIDS...

I think men and women are just different when it comes to their own kids - it's biology/nature so there's no real right or wrong in it. There are few men I know who obsess about their kids the way women do. Look at the baby gorilla born in Dublin zoo recently - the mother won't allow it out of her arms for at least two months and will then spend the next few years keeping it in her eye-shot. It's just nature and doesn't mean either sex is any more/less of a parent - it's just the way we're made.

KittyeeTrix

Fittle wrote: »

It's just that we all have different life experiences and we all chose to talk about our own life experiences. I am a parent, and sometimes, I chose to talk about my child. That doesn't make me a baby-bore - it just makes me someone who talks about something she has experienced.

I understand this Fittle and believe me I know where you are coming from but some mothers are baby-bores.....

I'm not saying the ones who meet up with friends and spend a few minutes of the converstion filling their friends in on the week *(you know, new teeth, the terrible restless night cos of it etc), I'm talking about the one who will speak of nothing else..............Those are the ones who annoy the daylights out of people (who have/haven't children)

Most reasonable people would have no problem when a mom mentions her kids when in conversation but not non-stop!!:)

I am a friend

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

I understand this Fittle and believe me I know where you are coming from but some mothers are baby-bores.....

I'm not saying the ones who meet up with friends and spend a few minutes of the converstion filling their friends in on the week *(you know, new teeth, the terrible restless night cos of it etc), I'm talking about the one who will speak of nothing else..............Those are the ones who annoy the daylights out of people (who have/haven't children)

Most reasonable people would have no problem when a mom mentions her kids when in conversation but not non-stop!!:)

This is where i am coming from and getting dragged into the debate about which school to send them to when you dont even live in that town or know anyone in those schools.

Its the assumption that you should be interested in the details of the kids lives as much as they are and then you are the worst in the world if you arent. I love hearing and always ask about my friends' kids but I think a lot of the conversation that the Mothers and it is always the mothers who go on and on, should be saved for their husbands and doesnt need to be discussed with friends (whether or not those friends have kids).

neuro-praxis

Fittle wrote: »

It's a guy thing;)

I had a house party yesterday - bouncy castle for the little fella, great fun. Most of the adults stayed, mainly the mothers. There were two dads who were here for about an hour, and I overheard both of them on their phones....Dad one told someone he 'couldn't get out to watch the match because I'm minding the children'...Dad two told someone else he was 'babysitting today coz herself is gone shopping'.

Not one woman I know would use the term 'minding' or 'babysitting' their OWN KIDS...

I think men and women are just different when it comes to their own kids - it's biology/nature so there's no real right or wrong in it. There are few men I know who obsess about their kids the way women do. Look at the baby gorilla born in Dublin zoo recently - the mother won't allow it out of her arms for at least two months and will then spend the next few years keeping it in her eye-shot. It's just nature and doesn't mean either sex is any more/less of a parent - it's just the way we're made.

Having read this entire thread it is quite a feat that I have disagreed with almost 100% of what you believe and write.

You need to develop your own life and your own interests or you will personally regret it. Don't you want to show your son you are a whole, well rounded person, and more than just a mother? I think you have reacted strongly to this thread because you have recognised yourself as a baby bore and are desperate to defend it. Don't defend it, just develop some personal interests and then you'll naturally talk about more than your child.

CK2010

neuro-praxis wrote: »

You need to develop your own life and your own interests or you will personally regret it. Don't you want to show your son you are a whole, well rounded person, and more than just a mother? I think you have reacted strongly to this thread because you have recognised yourself as a baby bore and are desperate to defend it. Don't defend it, just develop some personal interests and then you'll naturally talk about more than your child.

I have my own life, i swim once a week, go to the gym four days a week, practice yoga at least once a week, same with pilates, and i do woodturning, jogging, knitting, reading... alot of things. my friends would not like to hear how the wood split while i was turning or how i upped my incline on the treadmill!!
anyway, my point was, i still find this thread a bit insulting (thats a bit strong a word). i do get that some people are 'baby bores' but i think that parents have every reason to be when kids take up so much of your life.

i think its also incredibly important to realise that alot of (especially new) mothers experience PND and this is very hard to bring up to friends so some women when they constantly go on about their lack of sleep due to baby, the constant crying of baby etc. it could be them looking for some support. if a woman (or man) is at home with their child all day sometimes their life does feel like its spinning around the child and sometimes even just letting your friends no that can help you feel less alone.

neuro-praxis

CK2010 wrote: »

I have my own life, i swim once a week, go to the gym four days a week, practice yoga at least once a week, same with pilates, and i do woodturning, jogging, knitting, reading... alot of things. my friends would not like to hear how the wood split while i was turning or how i upped my incline on the treadmill!!
anyway, my point was, i still find this thread a bit insulting (thats a bit strong a word). i do get that some people are 'baby bores' but i think that parents have every reason to be when kids take up so much of your life.

i think its also incredibly important to realise that alot of (especially new) mothers experience PND and this is very hard to bring up to friends so some women when they constantly go on about their lack of sleep due to baby, the constant crying of baby etc. it could be them looking for some support. if a woman (or man) is at home with their child all day sometimes their life does feel like its spinning around the child and sometimes even just letting your friends no that can help you feel less alone.

I wasn't addressing yourself, but I understand that you took it personally. I was addressing the woman who says her son is her life, she doesn't have any personal interests, and she wouldn't have it any other way!

I have many friends with young children, it's just that time of our lives. And for the most part I enjoy them and their children very much, and have, as any friend would, provided a lot of support during both pregnancy and after, and am a regular free babysitter to many loved ones. And I enjoy it. And I also enjoy talking about the children when it is a normal part of conversation and life.

What I do not enjoy are the few people in my life who tell me unending boring stories about their children and neglect to ask, for example, how I am doing, or what is going on in my life. This is particularly bad with the parents of school-going children. I also find the constant facebook status updates about what little Johnny has just done tedious beyond compare (they're all on ignore).

What I am complaining about is lack of balance. I do not expect my best friend who has just given birth to be focusing on anything other than her new arrival. I myself am excited about it and glad to be bringing dinners over and cooing over the little one. However if in six months or six years' time our friendship has been reduced to her regaling me with long and complicated accounts of doctor's visits and parent teacher meetings that's not a good sign. It's all about balance. Having your identity subsumed by your children is an objectively bad thing. Getting all your self-worth from parenting is a bad thing. It doesn't sound to me like you, CK2010, fit that description.

CiaranC

CK2010 wrote: »

my friends would not like to hear how the wood split while i was turning or how i upped my incline on the treadmill!!

This is far more interesting than hearing about kid related stuff to be honest.

CK2010

oh i know you weren't addressing me, i was just making a point that sometimes no matter how many hobbies you have you still end up talking about your child!

i guess you're right about the balance thing, but when being a mother is such a rewarding role i dont think i can blame anyone for diving into it head first. i actually have alot of respect for them if im honest. especially stay at home mothers- id go bananas! but some mothers really enjoy it. its just their friends that dont, it would appear!

CK2010

CiaranC wrote: »

This is far more interesting than hearing about kid related stuff to be honest.

if you like that you'll love the fact that one bit of wood literally broke in half while on the lathe and went flying accross the room, one hit on the head could have resulted in death! hows that for interesting!

but my point was, my friends wouldnt give a crap about it. and tbh, theres only so many minutes you can spend talking about wood!! kids do things all day every day!

Fittle

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Having read this entire thread it is quite a feat that I have disagreed with almost 100% of what you believe and write.

You need to develop your own life and your own interests or you will personally regret it. Don't you want to show your son you are a whole, well rounded person, and more than just a mother? I think you have reacted strongly to this thread because you have recognised yourself as a baby bore and are desperate to defend it. Don't defend it, just develop some personal interests and then you'll naturally talk about more than your child.

You're perfectly entitled to disagree with everything I've said.

I will develop my own life and my own interests when babysitting is free, and when I have the time to do so. Until that happens, when he gets older, I continue to work full time, getting home at 7pm most evenings - and will fit my friends in when I can at the weekends. I made the choice to have my child, knowing I would be doing it alone, and knowing that I would have to make sacrifices for a few years.

I do have 'interests' by the way, I just don't have the time at the moment, to focus on them. He sees me as a parent who works hard to provide for him - I doubt he could care less whether I have hobbies or interests - no more than I cared about my own mothers interests. The child actually sees me for about 4 hours per day, so I'm not sure where you think I could become a 'well rounded individual' and be a parent, at the moment

I haven't reacted 'strongly' to this thread, nor am I 'desperately' trying to defend myself.

I do wonder why most of the parenting threads become a battle though - we shouldn't have to defend ourselves and our parenting, but it seems that alot of the parenting threads become arguments

Fittle

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Most reasonable people would have no problem when a mom mentions her kids when in conversation but not non-stop!!:)

+1

BostonB

People seem to obsessed with complaining about obsessed parents.