Dad in the delivery room

Bride2012

A leading French OB a few years ago said that men in the delivery room may hinder a smooth birth and lead to an increased need for c-sections and complications due to passing on their anxiety.

Some men have also found in hard in the short term to return to viewing their OH as sexual beings and some even displayed symptoms of post traumatic stress.

Others find that it's an amazing bonding experience for father and mother and father and baby.

Not wanting to be there does seem to be a taboo subject but what do people here think, should the Dad be in the delivery room?

http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/fatherpart.asp

Moonbeam

I wouldn't want to be there with out him.
You take the good with the bad and it is as much his fault as yours that you are there!
It is also an amazing moment for them to hold their babies.

Cat Melodeon

It definitely depends on your relationship with your partner and your relationship with your body. There is no one in the world I trust as much as my husband. He keeps me sane. His mere presence soothes me. He knows what I need without me having to say so (maybe not so much in labour, but I don't think I knew what I needed either...). We had a shared vision of what the birth would be like and he advocated for me when I needed him to but was also strong enough to contradict me when I needed to be contradicted. No one else could have done that, not a female friend nor one of my sisters nor a hired doula. He is the only person I trust completely. I don't think I would have had the emotional strength to have a natural birth without him.

As to the sexual side of things, that has never been an issue. I myself felt less than sexy in the weeks immediately after the birth - I took a while to heal and breastfeeding definitely lowered my libido at the start. But as soon as I was ready, so was he and things are as good as they ever were. We have always been comfortable with each others physicality though and aren't phased by the more earthy, functional aspects of bodies. He was fascinated by the birth and says he is in complete awe of me and all women now. We were both a little bit traumatised by the birth, to be honest, but because it was such a fast and intense birth rather than by any gore factor (it's really not that gory!). He has on occasion compared me giving birth to Regan from The Exorcist, but when we play back the experience it is in no way a horror movie, it's a very surreal and weepy love story. He got to hold our son before I did, he did the skin to skin thing as I was recovering. Maybe they would have bonded well anyway but one of my loveliest memories of that night is of watching my two men gazing into each others eyes in wonder. It was magic having him there.

CK2010

i literally couldnt breathe without him there.

for some reason i just couldnt do my breathing without him doing it with me, if he stopped the panting and breathing techniques id get very panicky and be like 'breathe, i cant breathe, do it with me'. it was quite strange having to rely on himlike that! even if the midwife did it i couldnt do it, it had to be him, i guess i just needed his reassurance that i was doing it right! :)

but i think it all depends on the man, the woman, and also the two of them as a couple.

SanFran07

Bride2012 wrote: »

A leading French OB a few years ago said that men in the delivery room may hinder a smooth birth and lead to an increased need for c-sections and complications due to passing on their anxiety.

Some men have also found in hard in the short term to return to viewing their OH as sexual beings and some even displayed symtoms of post tramatic stress.

Others find that it's an amazing bonding experience for father and mother and father and baby.

Not wanting to be there does seem to be a taboo subject but what do people here think, should the Dad be in the delivery room?

As others have said it totally depends on the couple. I don't think Dads feel very prepared for what's ahead and antenatal classes could definitely do a better job of preparing them.

CathyMoran

Our son was born by c-section, my husband was amazing, he held my hand when they were taking him out, we saw his first breaths together, he looked after him as he was waiting to be taken to the incubator (he was very small), he fed him for the first time, changed his first nappy...still getting teary thinking about it now - knowing that he was there for him while I was recovering from the surgery meant all the difference - he is amazing.

Ayla

I completely agree with SanFran07 - it's amazing that societies all around the world offer some form of preparation to expectant mothers but offer no sort of education to the expectant father. As if we expect them just to "man up" and deal with whatever is thrown their way w/o so much as an explanation of what that may be. Completely unfair, really.

My husband was really good with both of my labours. I needed him there (as well as wanted him to share it with me), and without him I would have been quite distressed.

Sometimes an OB can be full of BS. :rolleyes:

cbyrd

My husband actually calmed me down right in the hardest part of the labour. . he was just cracking jokes and being his usual self and it took alot of the fear out of me. . just knowing he was there made me feel like i could get through it even though i thought i wouldn't. . he's my hero even though i'd never tell him .. i never hear the end of it :rolleyes:

admiralofthefleet

i cant wait to be there for herself when the time comes. we have both discussed what my role will be so its all part of a birth plan
personally i consider the birth to be a beautiful thing and it wont change the way i look at herself in any way

tallaghtmick

i stayed at her head well away from anything.......then again i was drunk(my birthday unexpected water bursting in pub:P)so i forgot most of it

Cat Melodeon

SanFran07 wrote: »

As others have said it totally depends on the couple. I don't think Dads feel very prepared for what's ahead and antenatal classes could definitely do a better job of preparing them.

Ayla wrote: »

I completely agree with SanFran07 - it's amazing that societies all around the world offer some form of preparation to expectant mothers but offer no sort of education to the expectant father. As if we expect them just to "man up" and deal with whatever is thrown their way w/o so much as an explanation of what that may be. Completely unfair, really.

In fairness, couples have a good number of months to prepare themselves and really should take some responsibility for those preparations themselves. I was lucky in that my husband came to all the antenatal classes with me so what I knew, he knew. However I was also doing all the reading of pregnancy books which he wouldn't do and while I knew quite a lot by the end about what should happen and what could happen, he was less informed. The week before my due date I sat him down and made him watch the pregnancy episode of 'The Human Body', the BBC documentary with Dr Robert Winston, complete with baby's head crowning and delivery. He was a bit traumatised by it, but typical man, put the main action on rewind-repeat about 17 times to 'acclimatise' himself. I felt a bit queasy by the end, he was all excited that I was going to perform the same trick. He also looked at some births on youtube with me - all of that was a much better preparation than the antenatal class on labour.

I agree with your broad point though, it would be good if all expectant couples got to watch something similar as a standard part of antenatal education.

FunnyStuff

Speaking from the mans point of view here, i've got to say it was the most amazing experience of my life, one that i have been unable to adequately put into words since the day.

For a long time leading up to it, i questioned so much about myself. From my abilites as a father, to how would i be able to work all day after been awake all night. But as soon as everything went into full swing, all those doubts and insecurities disappeared. Watching your child being born is an experience that in my opinion can never be equaled. You gain so much in that moment, your life changes in a way that you could never explain, and only a parent can understand. But even in that, my appreciation of my wife grew exponentially. Her courage and bravery in going through the process, giving her every last ounce of energy in giving life to our daughter, made me step back and see that my place here was finally defined. My job was to make sure that my family came first, that all thoughts of "me" no longer existed. Being a father is the rewarding part of life, and i'd never change it.

got a new little bundle of joy coming on July 7th, and god help anyone who tried to stand in my way of experiencing my child being born.

Ayla

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

In fairness, couples have a good number of months to prepare themselves and really should take some responsibility for those preparations themselves. I was lucky in that my husband came to all the antenatal classes with me so what I knew, he knew.

Agree with you 100%, and my husband knew most things going into the labour ward, but it's only b/c he & I (ok, mainly me) talked about it non-stop in the lead up time. He grew up on a farm so knew the basic premise of birthing, so I didn't need to fill him in on the process involved. But I did talk to him about the birthing options/possible interventions, and he did take a "tour" of the labour ward with me when I was preg.

I asked at the antenatal class I went to if the partners/husbands would be allowed/invited/made to feel welcome at any point, and the leading midwife looked at me as if I'd grown a second head! Her response was basically that she didn't see any reason or benefit of that, and although he could come if he wanted to, it'd probably make the other mothers uncomfortable. Needless to say, we didn't push the issue.

Storminateacup

He'll be there, no doubt about it. Hes helped me overcome so many stupid issues I had about my body, and its functions! Im the queasy one in the relationship so I'm not worried about him being grossed out or anything. I know I'll need him to keep me on the right track.

Although, when I had my first child - it was actually my dad that held my hand. I was terrified, and there was nobody else that I would let anywhere near me.

Orion

FunnyStuff wrote: »

Speaking from the mans point of view here, i've got to say it was the most amazing experience of my life, one that i have been unable to adequately put into words since the day.

I can't agree more. Life changing moment and there was no way I wasn't going to be there.

Nicole22

My partner was amazing during my labour, he really helped me. My contractions were far worse in my back than belly and with every one he massaged my back and it made it so much more bareble. I think some men might think they'll feel useless like theres nothing they can do but that is so wrong. He was able to speak up for me and tell them my wishes etc when i couldnt. And at the very end it was so motivating to keep pushing when he told me he could see the head and kept telling me of the progression. He cryed when our son was born and said it was the most amazing thing he has ever seen and there is noway hes missing the birth of our second in November. We had no problems afterwards in regards to him being "turned off" me after witnessing it. I have to say that even though on some level I suppose maybe some men might feel like that, I still find the idea quite offensive as a woman:o
My partner came to all my antenatal classes with me and every few days I'd show him a few more pages from my pregnancy book to read so that he would be as clued in as me. Plus I was talking about all the different scenarios etc so much at the end that eventually the information soaked in lol

Hannibal Smith

Bride2012 wrote: »

some even displayed symptoms of post traumatic stress.

That did make me chuckle I don't think I'd be able to look either

Tayla

I didn't allow my OH in the delivery room with me during the pushing stage, I just wanted to be on my own, he was upset about it but he understood.

Squiggler

My husband was there (for and with me) through everything. He was marvelous and I really don't know how I could have managed without him. He kept me calm, encouraged me and gave me the strength to cope.

Everyone is different, and it depends on the woman and the husband, but I'd always want my husband there with me. And, if anything, it gave each of us a new appreciation of the other and brought us closer together.

metrovelvet

My mother was with me. I threw her out at one point because she wouldnt stop talking and it was driving me insane.

But Im glad she was there, as with any medical proceedure its good to have back up, especially when things can go wrong and someone has to make decisions for you while you are unconcious.

Squiggler

metrovelvet wrote: »

My mother was with me. I threw her out at one point because she wouldnt stop talking and it was driving me insane.

My mother was with us in the labour suite at one point too. She kept leaning on my shoulders, which she intended to be comforting, but instead it just made the contractions so much more painful and uncomfortable. She also kept talking, asking me questions when I was trying to deal with contractions... I was relieved when she left.

Cunning Stunt

Funny how times change. My mother had 7 of us and my father was not present in the labour ward for any of the births. My mother said it just wasn't the done thing then, to let the man see it.

I am glad those times have changed and I will definitely have the daddy with me in the labour ward when the time comes.:)

metrovelvet

In a natural childbirth where they dont make you lie down the man can be really helpful in giving you something to push against.

Anglo saxon child birth tradition doesnt really include him though.

admiralofthefleet

how many people will they allow in the delivery room?

i know i will be allowed but will my partners mother be allowed in? the thing is my missus herself was born at 27 weeks so her mam never got to see a labour (she was delivered by section) and would love to be allowed in

ladypip

I think the father being there for birth is terribly important both for helping the labouring mother and seeing their child arrive into the world.

My Dad had to write to the Master of the hospital i was born in against the wishes of both sets of grandparents to be allowed permission to be with my mam while me and my siblings were born. He talked to my partner who was wavering and nervous as my due date came and he said to him that not only is it not fair to leave your so called partner alone and scared while your child comes into the world but also seeing your own child come into the world is something nobody should miss.

My partner was then decided that he would come into the labour room with me, Alas the birth turned into an emergency situation and i had to have an emergency c section. I was put asleep and He was waiting outside so we both missed out and we both feel robbed of the experience. But him being there meant he was able to be with our son as he was cleaned up and also be with him when he was brought to the intensive care unit.

If we were to have more children he would def be there as a certainty.

ladypip

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

how many people will they allow in the delivery room?

i know i will be allowed but will my partners mother be allowed in? the thing is my missus herself was born at 27 weeks so her mam never got to see a labour (she was delivered by section) and would love to be allowed in

I think that depends on the policy of the hosp your child will be born in. You could ask your gp im sure they would have the info.