How soon is too soon...?

Mr. Round

Hi,

My mam passed away 6 months ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. She was 57 years old. Her and my Dad were married for 35 years. I suppose it was a fairly normal marriage. Ups and downs but they seemed to be very close as they got older. My Dad was inconsolable the day she was diagnosed and he spent every minute he could with her until she died.

A few days ago he asked me what I thought would be an appropriate time before he started seeing someone again. I was a bit taken aback and didn't really know what to say. He has made a new circle of friends through a new job since my Mam passed away and I believe he has become quiet fond of one of them. He more or less said so.

I did say that I thought 6 months was way too soon but the more I thought about it afterwards the more shocked I was. I really don't know what to feel about it. I don't want to disapprove but I'm not really happy at the idea either. Wasn't prepared for this at all .

Anyone been through similar and care to share some thoughts?

JOSman

Hi Mr Round,

Sorry you lost your mam but remember your dad also lost his wife. He, as well as you will never forget her.
Now let him live the rest of his life and give each other support. If possible have a chat about the situation. Life has to go on.

no1beemerfan

My soon to be wife lost her mother on the 1st Sept '09. In Feb '10 her dad rang her to say he'd met someone and by last 'Oct he got married again.

To say it was hard on my o/h is an understatement. She took it very bad and had to take time off work and go to England to see her dad. Once she was there she met his new woman and could see how happy her dad was. Of course he missed his wife and was very upset when she died but one can't grieve forever. Seeing how happy her dad was changed her anger to hope as she didn't have to worry about her dad and she knew he was the happiest he'd been since her mum died.

Your dad has feelings too and can't help if he falls for someone else. Be there for him and have a chat with him and mabey meet this new woman and take it from there, but don't be too hard on your dad.

ChewChew

Mr. Round wrote: »

I did say that I thought 6 months was way too soon

Hi Mr. Round. I'm sorry to read about your loss


I've been in a similar situation. My father passed away 6 years ago at the age of 50, leaving my mam a widow at the age of 47. Like your Dad, my mam was devastated as they were happily married... had a great relationship that just seemed to flourish as they got on in life.

After a tough 12 months following my Dad's passing, myself and my siblings encouraged my Mam to go out, meet new people and make friends, as her friends were also Dad's friends and she felt a little odd going out with couples! So we set her up on internet dating! It went well.. she met new people who were looking for friendship, she started going out more and having a social life of her own.

She is now in a relationship with a man who is widowed and they are together almost 3 years. My mam is only 53, so still very young. And she is happy, and we are happy for her. This new man in her life is only going to be a part of her life, that is all.

The main thing here is to remember that your Dad is still young too. For me, I know that my Dad is always going to be my Dad. This new man in my Mam's life will never in a million years replace my Dad and my Mam will never forget him either. She still has a huge love for him, visits his grave as normal, speaks of him as we always do and will never forget that he is her husband and the father of her children.

Life has to adjust to these circumstances that gets thrown at us, and I'm sure that deep down your father is very aware of that. He is not going to forget about your Mam. He is just trying to continue life, and hopefully share some future memories with someone else. Only he can decide though, if 6 months is too soon. Perhaps it is. But only he can decide. Remember to be happy for your Dad. And just think about is this what your Mam would have wanted for him? Or would she have wanted him to never move from the house, sitting by the window just staring out to nothing, while you get on with your life?

Mr. Round

Thank you all for your kind words.

I should make it clear, I have absolutely no problem with my Dad moving on with his life. By today's standards he's still quiet middle aged and I'd hate to see him spend his future on his own. We all want to see him happy. It is purely a timing issue.

I think my siblings and I, and my Mam's siblings, are all still very much in the grieving process. It only seems like yesterday she was diagnosed. I even forget sometimes that she's gone. Something happens and just for a nano second I think "oh, I must tell Mam that..." (I hate when that happens ).

To see Dad move on so fast is a total shock. It's like it's so insensitive to the rest of us (selfish I know).

I think maybe I just need time to get used to the idea. AFAIK I'm the only one he's mentioned it too yet (I'm the eldest). I'm dreading my sisters finding out as I think they will take it very hard. It's all just too fresh still.

LegacyUser

It is so wrong for third parties (people outside the couple) to put time limits on when a widow(er) should start seeing someone. Only the person him/herself knows how he/she really feels.

He/she has a huge void in his/her life, and, in most cases, a lifetime of memories behind. If he/she meets someone he/she is comfortable with, someone he/she can confide in, someone he/she can be intimate with, love, then the time is right.

Far too often other people decide what time is appropriate, others who, while getting on with their own lives, decide the widowed person should still be grieving.

Life is too short to have to wait for a third party to decide when you can live again. If a bereaved person is lucky enough to find love, again, then wish him/her the best. Why should someone be deprived of companionship, just to satisfy time limits imposed by someone else?

boredboard

OP I think it is possible/probable that your parents discussed the future during your mother's illness, i.e, life after she was gone. Maybe it was something she encouraged (him meeting someone new). Not to see your father alone for the rest of his life. I don't know the exact situation obviously but it is a possibliity. This ('meet someone new') may be something someone might do during a grieving process as a promise made rather than a betrayal. Just an alternative take on things. My father died almost two years ago and part of me would like my mother to meet someone new but another part of me is horrified by this thought. Probably not much help but there you go.

KittyeeTrix

Mr. Round wrote: »

. I even forget sometimes that she's gone. Something happens and just for a nano second I think "oh, I must tell Mam that..." (I hate when that happens ).

To see Dad move on so fast is a total shock. It's like it's so insensitive to the rest of us (selfish I know).

I suppose that is the essence of the issue really...............

We all only will ever have one mum or one dad and can never meet a new one after they've passed but with wives/husbands etc it is different as we can. Your mum obviously meant the world to your dad and he has now met someone who can help him to be happy again and fair play to you for understanding this.

I wish you well for the future:)

teachertrixibel

....my mum died at 54 years of age. My dad and my entire family were (and still are) absolutely devastated (even though this was 9 years ago). My dad was seeing a woman within a year and was married again within a couple of years after my mum died.

What I would say is - neither your family or your dad will EVER look to replace your mum, so don't worry about that. But I know that if your dad has a second chance of happiness he should grab it with both hands.

My brother struggled big time when my dad announced his intention to re-marry but at the end of the day, my dad needed company and unfortunately life has to go on... :-(

From a personal perspective, I was EXTREMELY close to my mum, but I'll be honest and say I was delighted my dad re-married as it meant that he had someone to share his life with. Unfortunately his 2nd wife also died (also cancer) last year and now dad is on his own. I hate the fact that he is on his own (he is over 70). He is really independent which is fantastic and he keeps busy, but it's the simple things that he misses like not having someone at home when he gets in in the evening, or not having someone to go on holidays with.

My dad will never get over the death of my mum (and none of my family will either) but life has to go on :-(

hope this helps in some way..... I know what you're going through so hang in there
Trix
x

fluffball

Hi hope you dont mind me throwing in my tuppence worth....My mam died suddenly Christmas morning in 2004. The shock and suddenness threw us all but mostly my Dad. We all had our families to busy ourselves with and work through our grief, he had no one. He didnt want any of us fussing over him, refused to visit any of us basically he gave up the will to live. He has had 2 heart attacks and is very angry at still being alive....My sisters and brothers would only love if he had a companion, least he'd have a reason to Get up...some days now he doesn't even bother and we are all heartbroken over him its so so sad to see the spark gone........So as all the other folk said Your Mam will always be No.1 give your Dad your blessing and be glad he wants to be alive and meeting people fair play to him.

tenchi-fan

Op, obviously your father loved your mother. He spent most of his life with her.

You need to remember the wedding vows were "til death do us part". Unlike a lot of men, he fulfilled those vows.

He is not trying to replace your mother. He is trying to find companionship and someone with which to spend the rest of his mortal life.

LegacyUser

Op, i dont envy you. Its been 10 years since my dad died and im still not over it. TBH i dont think i ever really will get over it. It pains me to admit that it but i would be hurt if i my mother remarried. Yes im selfish. But im not going to lie. I feel incredibly loyal to my dad, almost like i need to be more loyal now that hes dead.

I wish i could think differently and i admire those that do.

Doogieboogie

OP, as a young widow, I can see your Dad's point of view. I don't think you ever get over a spouses death, and as for 'moving on' - I hate that term, it implies that you have filed the deceased person away in your head for good.

When you lose your partner, the sense of lonliness and aloneness is so, so hard to deal with. Although six months seems like no time, it's a hell of a long time to be alone when you've been used to having a constant companion. I think that the longing for companionship is what drives a widow or widower to seek a new relationship; just having someone to talk to, having a confidante, someone to be quietly comfortable with. It is so hard to not have that, at a time in your life when you most need someone to be there for you. Other family members do their best, and they are great, but they are grieving too, and they can't offer the level of intimacy that a partner can.

For what it's worth, I don't think that your Dad is seeking to 'replace' your Mam or their relationship. I think he's looking for someone to help him through his trauma. Six months is a confusing time for widowed people, the fog of intense grief is starting to lift and you start to look to your future a little - a future that can appear very bleak and lonely, and frightening to face if, like your Dad, you've had someone there supporting them for years and years.

From speaking to other widowed people, I know it is often the case that some people do rush into a new relationship, for various reasons - they are lonely, grief clouds their ability to rationalise, or just that they have been heavy hearted for so long, 24-7, that they crave a respite in the form of spending time with a new person. Sometimes, the new relationship is successful, sometimes not, but it is in no way ever a replacement for the person who has died - that relationship is sealed in their heart. A wise lady once said to me (when I was expressing feelings of intense guilt over the fact that I was starting to find the idea of dating appealing) that nothing I do in life could hurt my husband. It's very true, and while your Dad wanting to date could feel hurtful to you, I get the impression that his asking you is an attempt to sound out the idea for the future, rather than telling you that he's off out to find a girlfriend this minute.

I'm so sorry that you lost your mum, I can't imagine being without mine x

LegacyUser

OP I've been in a very similar situation. Within a year of my dad's death, my 51 year old mother announced she was 'moving on'. My siblings and I found this very difficult to handle but most other people seemed to be happy for her, bar the elderly members of our family who thought it was terrible that she was moving on so fast. I felt loyalty to my dad and couldn't bring myself to approve. I met the new man and found myself immediately unable to trust him, but put it down to my bad feelings about the situation overall. After consulting others about my doubts, I was told that it was very wrong of me to be suspicious of this man who was so kind to be there for my mother and support her after her loss. And how lovely it would be for her to have a companion for the rest of her days.

The man in question was a widower himself, and everyone was convinced he was genuine. Time passed and my mother disclosed more details about where they met; he had added her at random on facebook, they got chatting, she being a total computer novice saw nothing wrong with passing her phone number to this guy and he flew from his homeland in the UK to Ireland to meet her 2 weeks after adding her on facebook. His wife had died 2 weeks before he added my mother as a friend (only learned this after viewing his facebook page..)

Several months passed, my siblings became concerned about my mother (only 51) giving this man (in his late 60s) money, she denied everything, about 9 months after meeting her, he dumped her as he met a new widow in the UK and decided the distance was too difficult to continue a 'relationship' with my mother. But he made sure to get a lot of cash from my vulnerable mother first, telling her he was in hard times, couldn't pay his rent, etc, and this had gone on throughout their 'relationship'.

We wanted to pursue this matter with the Gardai but my mother was too embarrassed and wouldn't let us do so. 1 year on and we learned the Gardai were investigating the same man for taking money from a mentally ill young woman he established a relationship with over facebook, in our same general area!

After this mess, my mother met a man at an entertainment event, he was single, never married, and seemed like an okay guy. He dumped my mother after meeting my siblings and I at Christmas dinner, deciding that he couldn't handle seeing a woman who had a family (youngest is 20) already and didn't like having to take several people on if he was going to be with my mother. We couldn't have been more welcoming to this man even buying him Christmas gifts, but he still couldn't "handle" us.
Queue further upset and heartache for my mother, Valentines Day he decides to 'take her back', she sees him for another while, more rocky moments if he has to encounter any of us, now he'll only see her when we're not around, he doesn't want anything to do with us as we're her children from her husband and he can't handle that. To me, that doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship but we've all taken a back seat on it - it's her life and there isn't anything we can do, and meanwhile the outside world continues to be happy for her moving on.


The relationships have deeply damaged our relationship with our mother. Two of my siblings have totally lost respect for her over this, particularly as the money she gave away (a lot of money!) had previously been listed as our inheritance. Fair enough, it's her life and she can do what she wants with it, but it's not nice to stand back and watch someone being taken advantage of like that, knowing there is nothing you can do, while everyone around you takes offense if they think we are considering preventing our mother from 'moving on with her life'.

Today, I wish to visit my mother in the home I grew up in, so I have to call her and let her know what time I will be there so she can make sure her boyfriend won't be there, and I have to let her know how long I'll stay for so he knows when to come back. I'm not sure how anyone can find that a happy situation.


I don't mean to throw a spanner in the works of what has otherwise been a very positive thread, but I think people need to be aware that not every widowed parent will find someone wonderful after their spouse has died. Not everyone in the world is a good person. There are people out there who will prey on vulnerable widows and widowers. Not everyone will get lucky enough to find a happy long term relationship immediately after a spouse dies. There could be many bad relationships and unhappy breakups in between, and a lot of widows/widowers may not be able to handle further sadness after already losing one spouse to death. I know my mother was devastated after the Christmas breakup and it really ruined our Christmas and New Year.

Hope your case works out okay, OP, but having a little reluctance about the situation is perfectly acceptable, in this modern PC-age people are expected to openly accept any situation with welcoming accepting arms, but there are times where you need to be careful, when your loved ones may be vulnerable.

Doogieboogie

Good points, all, but the same could happen to a person who's never been married.

It's unfortunate that there are people out there who would love to take advantage of a vulnerable, lonely person, but it happens, all too often. There is a case for being careful but at the same time, never trying, while meaning you'll never get hurt, also means you may never experience love.

I'm sorry this happened to your mum, it sounds awful -she's lucky to have such a dependable child in you. I hope things improve for her.

marwelie

Im in the same situation. I am the eldest of 3 and the only one living at home, primarily because I have special needs.
Mum died just over a year ago. Parents had been married for 42 years. Mum had been sick with various forms of cancer for about 20 years. Dad had basically looked after her at home for the last two years until she went into hospital and didnt come home.
I know he had been communicating with a lady since Mums death as my sisters had put up an ad on an internet dating site. I have yet to meet her and im not sure my sisters have either. Im not sure I want to meet her although he would like me to, so it will happen sooner or later

His timing could have been better as he informed about his new friend during the week leading up to my mums anniversary. I dont think I mind Dad moving on, and its nice to see him happy but i cant help feeling hes cheating on my mum and thrown himself at the first woman who has shown him any interest, not that I doubt his judgement, he married my mother after all....He has been on trips away on 3 occasions with this woman and spent the last two nights in her house.

Id be amazed that my mums friends and family will take this well. I cant even discuss this with many people because of the amount of people Mum and Dad know, its bound to get out before he tells people about it. I certainly dont think its my responsibility to tell family and friends.