Do you regret having children?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm a very happily married 30 year old female, and am reaching that point in my life when we really need to think about starting a family (and whether I want to start a family more to the point!). My husband is very kean - it's just me holding back at this point.

Many of my friends are having babies and it's so easy to get wrapped up in it all and go along with what everyone else is doing but I'm just not convinced it's the right thing for me just yet. I'm scared of the isolation and the neverending-ness of it all, and the intensity of it, and the fear of something going wrong (though I'm sure that's just a natural reaction). Above all, I'm just not sure what type of parent I'd make, and I'd hate to bring up a person who has issues in adulthood as a result of this .... it just doesn't feel like a natural progression for me (at least just yet).

Can anyone here please tell me if you regret having children? Parenting sounds like such hard work, and despite the love you have for your child and the rewards you get from it, I'd be really curious to know if anyone regrets having them, and if you would do things differently if you had the chance?

I know this could be a difficult question, but I'd really appreciate your honesty.

Thanks

Fran79

Hi
I don't regret having my son (just turned 3), but I do get frustrated at times!
I don't get to go out (usually too tired in the evening / night).
No holidays, no real time off - nap time is golden rest time in our house!

I hate the early mornings, no lie ins (only just got him to sleep till 7am most days was5am for 2 years).

I think that these things are made worse by the fact that I have been unemployed for 2 years.

BUT...

I love watching him learn new things, his laugh and watching him play or work something out.

It is hard work but it is enjoyable and difficult and frustrating and tiring and fun all in one day.

HTH

Fittle

While I regret the responsibilities that go with being a parent, I don't regret having my child. I have one son, he's 9. I don't remember my life without him (I'm single), and yet, if I never had him, I imagine my life would have been much different.

So while I resent the crap that goes with being a parent - I will never regret the child himself.

It's hard, there's no doubt. And if you were to believe all you read, you would never have children.

You MAY regret not having children, but I doubt you will regret actually having children.

So my answer is that you won't regret having children. But you just get on with it, and it has its rewards, which human nature makes us believe, far exceed the regrets.

Having said all of the above, I have never felt a love like the love I feel for my son - and just feeling that in itself, outweighs any of the negatives.

bulmersgal

I regret the fact that i'm a single parent but never for one moment have i regretted my daughter. She's makes every day a happy day. She's only one but the bond that has developed between us is amazing she loves running over giving me hug and running away. Or even today she was in stitches cause i shaked my bum at her.

I dont think you'll ever regret having kids but you'd regret not having them. Your still young if you were to wait a few years you'd have loads of time left.

I wasn't sure what sort of parent i would be and to be honest i'm still not sure what i am, i can be so laid back at times and so happy at other times and then strict when needed. You dont no till you are a parent

Greystoner

Hey, you are only 30! Still loads of time, so don't stress about it. Live your life, do all the things that you want to do; travel etc.Then once you are ready, you may well be surprised if you choose the baby path.

Having children has been the best thing I ever did. Yes, you have to make alot of sacrifices and it is tiring and hard work etc, but the cliche applies that it is so worth it!

A friend of mine was the least maternal of our group of friends and she swore blind that she hated kids and said 'give me a dog anyday!' she now has 4 girls age 5 and under (nutter!) but she is as happy as a pig in muck.

Just make sure you fulfill some dreams before you have a baby and then you shouldn't have any resentment towards them. Think also about how you might feel when you are old and would you feel ok about not having had kids, or would you have regrets? (You are totally allowed to change your mind though!)

Life does not stop when you have a baby. Once they are a bit older, you can go out and do things, you do not have to stay at home all the time!

Plus if all your friends are having babies at the moment, think of the money you will save by accepting any equipment etc when it is outgrown in a few years!

30 is still young by todays standards, so you really do have loads of time.

stovelid

I'd love to have some of the freedom back again and on days like today, I could nearly have killed them with my bare hands but do I regret having them?

Not for a second.

gsxr1

i had my kid when I was 28. 7 years ago I have done my traveling and was ready. Even though it was not planned.

Perfect time to grow up with him. And keep up with him


I see lots of people leave it later and later. I would hate to be an old grey man when my kid is a teenager.

Go for it. You will never love another human like you will love your child.


I dont regret it . although it has been a roller coaster and will continue to be so im sure

stovelid

gsxr1 wrote: »

I see lots of people leave it later and later. I would hate to be an old grey man when my kid is a teenager.

Had mine at 37 and 39.

To be honest, I agree with you as I'd love to be younger now - not because of my age as I'm fit and healthy but just because I'd like to be around (in a meaningful way) for as long as possible when/if my kids have their own kids.

That said, I just didn't want kids ten years ago and I wouldn't have been ready. Had so many things to do - career, social and travel - as did my partner.

polly78

There is nothing on earth that ever makes me so happy as seeing my wee boy smile. I totally get where you are coming from because I was (and still am) so selfish with regard MY needs in life, but no, when you hold that child in your arms your whole world changes. You can still be your fun loving selfish self if you have a good family/friend support. I found that Mother Nature kicked in big time as soon as he was born, i wouldn't of thanked you for a night out, but could have, as I had babysitting on tap (which is prob important) Please if you think you do want kids eventually don't waste any more time sweating over it. It is trying at times but god there is no better feeling in the world than a wee person saying "I love you, mummy/daddy".......and meaning it!

Moonbeam

I think it depends how much you want them and what your life is like before them.
I had mine at 26 and 28.
I am often tired,work days are awful,my clean clothes never remain clean for long,doing the shopping during day light hours is a chore but the fun and love of a 2 year old and watching my new baby grow are things I would never change and want to experience again.
Pregnancy was hard for me and I love having a bump but generally hate being pregnant,not a fan of childbirth either.
Do I regret it ? never and hope I get to have a few more.

What I do think is important is having an education,career,house and travelled first.

Morag

Once a woman turns 28 her fertility starts to decline and every year after 30 it gets more difficult,
so frankly a woman who is 30 has a limited amount of time to start a family.

Yes parenting is hard work and a lot of responsibility and at times I do regret that my life is not different.
Everyone has regrets, you have to figure out what you can live with.

Kids are kids and people have been having and rearing kids for years and years.
All you can do is do your best by them and try not to screw them up in the same way our parents screwed us over. Modern parents have a wealth of information about kids and thier needs and development literally at our finger tips which previous generations never had so we have more advantages.

Also more and more new Dads share more of the burden of the hands on work of the first new years.

The person you need to talk to about all this if your partner.
If you are worried about regrets when you have worries, concerns and fears.
You need to figure out what those are exactly and see if there is a way to put plans in place and talk about it all. And if you can't get to a place where that helps and the pros and cons balance then you need to be honest with him, even if it may means that he leaves you.

End of the day, I think if I didn't have kids I would have regretted it more then any regrets I have from time to time about having had them.

babygirlz

I had my first at 29 after having a relatively carefree existence, holidays and nights out at the drop of a hat and all that.

If I was to be brutally honest, I found the first year impossible and I mourned my previous life, we never go out now.
My daughter was a hard baby initially so it was a major shock to the system. She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home.

Six years on and 2 more babies later I can say with my hand on my heart that after all that I have never regretted for 1 minute having them. There are bad days alright when they drive me up the walls but when they are not around I miss them.

As another poster said you still have a while yet and tbh I would leave it until you are ready. I think you would regret not having them. You would never know what you are missing.
Best of luck with your decision.

polly78

babygirlz wrote: »

I had my first at 29 after having a relatively carefree existence, holidays and nights out at the drop of a hat and all that.

If I was to be brutally honest, I found the first year impossible and I mourned my previous life, we never go out now.
My daughter was a hard baby initially so it was a major shock to the system. She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home.

Six years on and 2 more babies later I can say with my hand on my heart that after all that I have never regretted for 1 minute having them. There are bad days alright when they drive me up the walls but when they are not around I miss them.

As another poster said you still have a while yet and tbh I would leave it until you are ready. I think you would regret not having them. You would never know what you are missing.
Best of luck with your decision.

I think this all depends on who you have nearby, I take from your post you are in your town/city more or less alone? I did have my family nearby who were fighting over him which made my situ easier, but as i said earlier mother nature kicked in for me immediately. I did eventually want to go out which is why babysitters/friends who will are neccessary. My sister is in Dublin alone now but for her partner, 14mth old baby, she's back at work, babys in creche, she is happy but I know she would dearly love family around her for..support (more than phone calls and monthly visits), babysitting. Her and her BF rarely go out together which would be ok but he does like to go out so sometimes does alone (he's also hands on dad).

When my sis was on maternity leave, home alone all day every day she knew it would be destructive in the long term, they are now paying extortionate childcare fees but, she's got a sense of self, he recognises that she has and they love their wee baby and have fine life all in all. Life was never supposed to be easy.

I have found that mothers by their nature are naturally happy to be with baby, getting out once a month maybe but guys tend to still want to keep the old social life. It's all a price worth paying in my opinion.

My sis is 34 her boyfriend 36, they are madly in love, have their own house and have both travelled the world! can still pose probs. Funny thing is neither of them are overly ambitious. Depends on, i think how much you want to give up your free spirit existence. And is very much what you really want to do, but trust me on the "I love u Mummy"

Noffles

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

Moonbeam

Noffles wrote: »

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

Do you have kids?

It depends what you define as a full enjoyable life.

newwifey

I think from reading your post you are definately not ready to have kids.

When a biological clocks starts to tick its deafening!

How long have you been with your hubby?

I had my first at 20 and it devestated all my hopes and dreams.
I loved him absolutely but I forever mourned my lost youth. All the holidays I missed, nites out, working abroad...
I raised him alone for 6 years till I moved in with my now husband and we went on to have 3 more together. I cant describe the burning desire I had to have kids with my hubby.
I can't remember my life without having someone to look after. I have been a mother for 16 years - almost as long as I haven't! My body is in sh1te, Im not overweight, just 4 pregnancies takes a toll. My clothes are always stained at the end of the day, my roots are always overdue a top up, and I have absolutely no life........ but I wouldn't swap it for anything.

There is a big difference having kids at 20 and having them at 30. At 20 I had buckets of energy but little patience. At 30 I have buckets of patience but very little energy :rolleyes:

I always thought that people who didn't want kids were self centered and unable to love outside themselves. Now I see that there is a whole other life that goes with not having kids. Oh to be able to take off on a Friday evening for the weekend and not have to organise baby sitters. Oh to be carefree and independent. We haven't had a nite away from the kids since december 2009.

Now thats the negative

I don't have enough time or space to write the positive. I absolutely love my kids and wouldnt change my life or them for anything. I think being a mother is all about sacrifice and its just a natural thing.

But if you are not ready, you're not ready. You can't be rushed. However I do think its something you will have to discuss with your hubby.

I will probably be shot for this, but it is my general experience that men are eager to be fathers but are dire at actually doing the day to day mundane stuff that will consume your life once you become a mother.

She cried constantly and there was no one to hand her over to when my husband went out the door to work, I dreaded him going to work and there were days that I would be practically waiting at the front door for the car to pull into the drive when he came home

As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome.
But, in saying all this, I guarantee you that there won't be one mother here who regretted having their kids.
Perhaps you need a little more time to just live before you give up your life to give birth to another. You are only 30 after all, just a baby yourself

polly78

Noffles wrote: »

All Bollox.. if you're having doubts don't do it... all this **** about loving it when it happens... is crap... if you want to live a full enjoyable life... don't have.... kids.

I planned my baby but had doubts about what that would really be like, for me I thought what was I so worried about, it has brought a richness to my life that now I can see no other true and real point to life. If you have had children and it was a bad experience you could share it with OP for what its worth.

strandroad

This is a very relevant thread for me too.

But if there are people who regret having children you won't hear from them, or at least not in the correct numbers. It's taboo after all.

Morag

Yes it is taboo to a point but this is the parenting forum where most parents come to share and get support and parents who tend to completely regret having kids would not be interested in doing that.
Women who really regret having kids do walk away and leave them with the father for him to raise,
it happens I know of 3 women who did so.

Noffles

Moonbeam wrote: »

Do you have kids?

It depends what you define as a full enjoyable life.

Yes, I do.

And yes, you're right... it does.

polly78

newwifey wrote: »

I will probably be shot for this, but it is my general experience that men are eager to be fathers but are dire at actually doing the day to day mundane stuff that will consume your life once you become a mother.



As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome

I completely agree on the men thing and will be shot after you, all talk, no action. I'm not generalising I have seen this over and over whereby men profess to adore their son/daughter but when the boys are up for night out he's in there, wild horses wouldn't stop him. On the otherhand I have seen more girlfriends miss out on nights because of their children (and don't mind)

For the OP, you will probably never know which way he will go and at the end of the day it is your call, "do you want to be a mother to a newborn person?"

strandroad

Sharrow wrote: »

Yes it is taboo to a point but this is the parenting forum where most parents come to share and get support and parents who tend to completely regret having kids would not be interested in doing that.

Not necessarily, regretting having children doesn't automatically mean that you neglect them. You may still want the best for them and you might be looking for advice on parenting. But if you could turn back time...

Sharrow wrote: »

Women who really regret having kids do walk away and leave them with the father for him to raise, it happens I know of 3 women who did so.

I knew two women like that, one of them left her family (three children, she did wait until they were young adults though) and the other one neglected her child for years, although they made amends later. Both in my own family

mlumley

Never had regrets about having children, but plenty about marrying their mother.

Rockery Woman

Im 36 years old and decided 10 years ago not to have children, I still havent changed my mind.

My husband was never in the dark about this, he married me knowing I would probably never have any children and accepted this.

Dont get me wrong - I dont hate kids, I actually think they are cute, sweet etc, I have a niece who is 15 months old and I really love her. I just dont have a maternal instinct I guess.

Its becoming more normal for women to decide against having children, I know several women who feel the same as me. My biological clock obviously doesnt exist cos at age 36 it should have struck midnight by now....!

I could decide at age 40 I want children though - thats the other side, but right now Im happy as I am and so is my husband!

CK2010

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

Rockery Woman

CK2010 wrote: »

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

But when your daughter grows up you will still be young enough to do all the things you missed out on. My mam had me when she was 16, she married at 16, now she is 52, works full-time, goes for holidays twice a year, drives a beautiful new car, wears great clothes, no money stresses and she looks fantastic.

kippy

CK2010 wrote: »

i reckon how a parent responds depends on what day you ask them! :pac:

i had my daughter at 17 so i went from being a child to bringing up a child, no in between, no growing up, no experience of a 'free' life.

some days i wonder what it would have been like but i never have regrets. you've had your 'free' life so you'll have less 'what ifs' but its only human nature to have them thoughts. i sometimes wonder what could have been but i never wish for that. i never wish i could experience it, i just wonder about it, if that makes sense. but you wont have to wonder!

i couldnt live without my child, shes the best thing in my life. i dont regret her for a second.

To the OP.
Myself and my wife are due our first in July of this year. We're 30 and 31 and married for almost two years , going out for the previous decade almost. We've done a lot of "growing up" and travelling, going out on a whim etc in our 20's and knew what we both wanted from early on. Kids were always on the agenda and now, thankfully, we are going to have one. No doubt it will be a life changer, but we are getting into it with our eyes as wide open as they can be, knowing as much about it as we can and we look forward to those sleepless nights and those clothes that are never clean.
In one way we go in with a lot more knowledge and (on paper) better prepared than earlier generations while on the other hand will probably be under more (different) stresses than they were.
Its obviously not for everyone but I dont intend regretting what we are doing down the line - the opposite in fact - we hope to have a couple more.
CK2010, I can imagine things have been a lot different for you and you summed it up brilliantly in your post - you went from being a child to bringing up a child and "missed" that bit in the middle. But you know what, you do what life throws at you and manage as best you can with what you can, always trying to provide for the little ones, no matter what age you are. BTW you havent missed a whole lot - people make this travelling lark out to be way better than it actually is, it is well overrated. Think about the other side of it, your child/children will probably be well reared by the time you hit your mid/late thirties, and age when a lot of people are only starting rearing their kids.
Plenty time to see the world then!

OP,
You'll know when the time comes and if it doesn't, it doesn't. Many people don't want kids for many reasons.

There are lots of people out there for whatever reason find it hard or cannot conceive at all - if you leave things too late you may find that you are in the former and don't have time on your side.
If only everyone could be happy!

stovelid

Noffles wrote: »

Yes, I do.

And yes, you're right... it does.

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

CK2010

Rockery Woman wrote: »

But when your daughter grows up you will still be young enough to do all the things you missed out on. My mam had me when she was 16, she married at 16, now she is 52, works full-time, goes for holidays twice a year, drives a beautiful new car, wears great clothes, no money stresses and she looks fantastic.

thats what myself and the OH have planned! we'll be out clubbing with her! we can enjoy our 'missed years' with the maturity not to make the silly mistakes we would have at that age! win win!

Moonbeam

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

*mod warning*
Please can you refrain from posting what may be interpreted as a personal attack on another poster.

Thanks
Rach

polly78

I love the whole "we'll still have our fun life" attitude, which is why I wouldn't put it off, if I was OP. Having kids early allows you, while your still fit for it, to have a fun life of your own in older years. Thinking you want kids in your forties wouldn't be a good thing. I had my wee boy when I was 21 and now at 33 really appreciate the "still young enough to get what he's on about" knowing and liking mtv chart show!.

I think, only my opinion, if you want children you will always have to sacrifice some time in your life, be it your twenties, fun times, or in your fifties, fun times too it would seem.

I repeat there is no greater love on earth than that which comes from a child to a parent, even if it is in later years, but I personally wouldn't chance it, in case you didn't get it and regretted it.

Life is sometimes not all that.