Do you regret having children?

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

I remember being pregnant, and people telling me constantly 'the first year is the hardest'. But that's just not true.

The first 4/5 years are the hardest. Until your child is old enough to understand rationalising (if you do this, you don't get that etc), parenting is very challenging (well, for me it was anyway). I found when my son was about 5, that I really started to enjoy being a parent. And now he's 9, and hand on heart, I love every minute of being his mum...but it was a long road to get here:rolleyes:

When you're a single parent its different, your choices are made in the dark. You dont know if you will get a little support or a lot or none from the other parent, or if it will change, but for a lot of us we are the mom and the dad, and its hard to enjoy it when you are working so hard all the time, its hard to enjoy anything when you havent slept in a year.

I had a lot of things going on which interefered with my early parenthood and I regret not elininating those interferences. [well hes three now, so its still early I guess...]

Every day 7pm, thats it we are in the house. No slipping out for the milk you forgot at tesco, or a little walk on a summer evening. That's it you are inside.

Im rambling a little here but the sacrifices you have to make will entirely pivot on the circumstances in which you are having your child. Supportive husband? Extended family? Good neighbors?

barron

I think benig parent is one of the best things which may happend to anyone, of course not everyone may understand it and be a good parent but i think that people regret rather that they are bad parents not that they have children.

ash23

asking someone if they regret having kids is, to me, the same as asking me if I regret being born a woman.

In that, I can see the advantages to being male but I can only imagine what it would be like.

Had I not become a parent, who knows where I'd be? Would I have gone back and finished my degree and be a multi millionaire who found a cure for cancer and was now living the high life, revered and loved by many....possibly.
Would I have stayed in my bar job and drank every night, descending into a spiral of alcoholism and debauchery who became alienated from my family and friends, lived in some crummy flat with a bottle of vodka as my only love.....possibly (probably!) .

Neither of those happened. What did happen was I had a baby. She may have ruined me, she may have saved me. I'll never know. And a series of events lead me to the life I have now, which all and all isn't a bad one.
I'm fortunate to have a wonderful daughter who I seem to have a good relationship with and I'm hoping it will weather the storm of adolesence.

I try not to look to far ahead, speculating what will be, nor do I look to far behind, speculating what may have been. If I do I'll miss whats actually happening.

murphyaii

was dating my girlfriend for 3 months when she told me she was pregnant.
I had to relocate to the country from dublin leaving my family and friends behind.
Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well.
i've a 2.5 year old daughter.when she was first born, she had collic
so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.
also we commute to dublin everyday from the country to dublin to work.
i didn't bond with my daughter till she was like 9 months.basically when she started to get a personality
now i know most people would not be in my situation but i'm telling you if i had the choice i would have chosen my old life.
but i love my daughter now and wouldn't give her up to anyone.
as for the work involved in bringing a child up.
that becomes second nature after the first year as you learn to become a better parent.
pity the damn guide books never really prepare you but only the mother
so stay single or become a parent, there are advantages to both.
but if you really think about it, in years to come do you want to remain single, with your husband either resenting you or leaving you because you didn't want to become a parent?
also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

Fittle

murphyaii wrote: »

......so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.

also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

Two points jumped out at me there - firstly, I don't know WHO told you that babies sleep for the first 3 months, but they were lying!!!

And secondly, any of us could drop dead in the morning so having a baby should not be something you do so that someone will look after you should your husband pass away (that's even if you have a husband):rolleyes:

cynder

murphyaii wrote: »

also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

.

You should not have kids so they can look after you when you are older, go into a nursing home, they have their own lives to live they shouldnt be looking after their parents.

When im old and passed it (if im still alive) i dont want my kids looking after me! I dont expect it and certainly i dont want it. My mom has said the same thing to me. My aunt owns a rest home and there not that bad at all.


Just thought If i reach to be 100 my daughter will be 81:eek:......she wont be much help at 81......

bubbaloo

murphyaii wrote: »

was dating my girlfriend for 3 months when she told me she was pregnant.
I had to relocate to the country from dublin leaving my family and friends behind.
Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well.
i've a 2.5 year old daughter.when she was first born, she had collic
so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.
also we commute to dublin everyday from the country to dublin to work.
i didn't bond with my daughter till she was like 9 months.basically when she started to get a personality
now i know most people would not be in my situation but i'm telling you if i had the choice i would have chosen my old life.
but i love my daughter now and wouldn't give her up to anyone.
as for the work involved in bringing a child up.
that becomes second nature after the first year as you learn to become a better parent.
pity the damn guide books never really prepare you but only the mother
so stay single or become a parent, there are advantages to both.
but if you really think about it, in years to come do you want to remain single, with your husband either resenting you or leaving you because you didn't want to become a parent?
also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

I have to agree with the others who commented on your post - - it was more like 14 months of no sleep for us - and not exactly 7 full nights sleep per week since !!
But your comments on class difference and country vs dublin really stood out to me. If you consider your partner to be a different class of person to you and resent her for having to leave your friends and family, you have a load of problems there before you even begin parenting, and that just adds to the strain that enters your life with a child!
Also, there are plenty of guidebooks on parenting for both mother and father - it sounds to me that you feel a bit vicitmised.

xxtattyberxx

Really have to agree with alot of women on this topic,
I'll never regret having my son, my only regret is the person I had him with. Being a single parent is S**t, ya dont get out alot, at all in some cases, do the late night night feeds, kissing the boo boos alone.

your choices are made in the dark

so well said, sometimes in pitch black. But at the end of the day I wouldnt change my lad for the world, He's Adhd and Aspergers and boy does he challenge me every day, he frustrates me, drives me crazy at the best of times but I couldnt imagine my life without him, and I dont want. #
Sure theres days were you need peace, need to let loose and go mad, well suppose thats were auntys/uncles/ grandparents etc come in.
Its not all fun and games, Its testing to the core and theres no such as a private life or night of, but if a child is what you want you'll never regret it.

barbiegirl

As someone struggling to have children in the first place, despite the fact I haven't travelled the world, won the lotto, my career will suffer, I'll have no sleep and constant worry. I won't regret it, if I finally get there, and I have to say I have yet to meet any parent who has, whether older or younger parents.
Over the last number of years if there is one thing I've learnt and it is that there is nothing more important than family, including yourself.

Frank Black

The only thing I regret about having kids (2 qnd 4yrs old) is not appreciating all that free time I had before we had them.

Seriously, what did I do with that time?

Ayla

black francis wrote: »

Seriously, what did I do with that time?

Wondered whether or not to have kids

metrovelvet

black francis wrote: »

The only thing I regret about having kids (2 qnd 4yrs old) is not appreciating all that free time I had before we had them.

Seriously, what did I do with that time?

YOu had a lot more sleep.

babygirlz

murphyaii wrote: »

Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well.

Shocking :eek:

You weren't worried about her ' class ' when ye conceived were you???

I can't believe you had the gall even to write such a post.
I hope you have met someone from your own ' class ' and are very happy :mad:

babygirlz

barbiegirl wrote: »

As someone struggling to have children in the first place, despite the fact I haven't travelled the world, won the lotto, my career will suffer, I'll have no sleep and constant worry. I won't regret it, if I finally get there, and I have to say I have yet to meet any parent who has, whether older or younger parents.
Over the last number of years if there is one thing I've learnt and it is that there is nothing more important than family, including yourself.

I hope you get there soon barbiegirl.

cbyrd

We're on our 4th. .. and i have to say if i had to 'plan' a child i more than likely wouldn't have had one. You can make it up in your own mind how hard it will be or what you would do differently to your parents or even your friends.

No-one can make the decision for you, not even your husband.
You only become isolated if you stay indoors and don't mingle with friends with kids or other child friendly groups.
I was 23, knew my now husband for 3 months when we discovered we were pregnant. He moved to my town got a new job in the Nov and baby came along in Feb. By god what a shock we got. But we put our heads down and got on with it.
Yes it's tiring it hard to get up a 4am when your knackered from a days work and have to do it all over again the next day, but you do it, cos the feelings that your baby brings out in you make you want to do it for them..
You'll never be ready, I'm still wondering when somebody is going to tell me i'm making a hash of it:D But the fun i have now that the girls are older is great, i'm remembering my teens through my eldest's behaviour and i get to look forward to all the fun of them all growing up.
Our 4th is due in Sept, and i'm breaking out in a cold sweat wondering how i'll cope. .. just like i did with the first, the second , the third. . . . you are never ready

stovelid

murphyaii wrote: »

Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside..

Hopefully your resentment abated somewhat when you realized that Tallaght is also on the southside?

metrovelvet

stovelid wrote: »

Hopefully your resentment abated somewhat when you realized that Tallaght is also on the southside?

Lol. I'm sure he means the other southside.

How you resent geography is beyond me.

@murphai - Is what you mean that you resent conceiving with someone you perceive to be beneath you?

stovelid

metrovelvet wrote: »

Lol. I'm sure he means the other southside.

The one that's a state of mind as opposed to a geogrpahical location?

Pixie Chief

You have my sympathies! I never wanted kids at all but got pregnant at 19. Hated the notion of being a parent right up until she was born. Smitten. Then found out that she had two holes in her heart = hardest year of life! Had two more kids because husband desperately wanted them. They both have ASD. Husband gone now. This was not a great loss. Still, do I regret having them? That's pretty much a double edged sword for me. I love my little people, they are amazing and would never for a second dream of wishing them away but that is because I know and love them. If they had never been born, I wouldn't have known and loved them - and I don't think I would have missed what I never knew.

Being a parent is pretty crappy. Sharing your life with little people you love is fantastic. They are two different things. I do not regret having my children but I wish my life had been different, that I had made different choices. Biological imperatives aside, I do think there is more to being a woman than spitting out children like some sort of genetic gatling gun. I'm not really a 'babies' person. I didn't love making mud pies and pictures. My kids are older now and it's really only in the last year or two (15 years) that I can say I'm starting to enjoy being a parent, partly because I now have parts of my own life again and partly because they are old enough for us to do stuff I enjoy too - the older they get, the more time we spend happily together and thats the fun bit, but 15 years is a long time!

Incidentally, I wouldn't consider having children just because husband/partner wants them. Children are for life. He could leave/something awful could happen etc etc etc (not wishing it on you, incidentally) and there you are caring for children alone. Children deserve to be loved - maybe more importantly by a happy Mommy too. I would wait until I felt I wanted them for me because it is very difficult not to feel trapped and resentful if you do it for any other reason.

wolfpawnat

I do not regret having my child, I regret the age I was when I had him (22). No college career, no freedom. I am jealous of all my friends going on J1's and a few years in Oz, (though I wouldn't go there, I would love to option). I always wanted to live in London and Africa for 1 year, but now I can't.

I get stressed out at being tired, the constant cleaning, the constant need to be responsible for another person.

I do love him, but I get depressed for what I no longer can do. But I was too young. At 30 you have experienced life, and you can even have another year or two before you even need consider trying to planning to conceive.

Fittle

I must say Pixie chief, that I agree entirely with you about not being a baby-person myself. I love my son with all my heart, and never thought I was capable of a love like it. But I detested parenting when he was a baby. Perhaps it's because I was doing it alone, but the boredom of it nearly crippled me. I have hazy memories of wearing sunglasses to playgrounds, even when there was no sun out, because I knew I would end up with tears in my eyes and counting down the minutes until we could get out of that playground (l still hate playgrounds!!) All of that colouring and clay modelling and looking for ways to keep him busy until bedtime in those early years, used to drive me insane!!! I'd say when he turned about 5/6 things began to improve - and only this year (he's 9 now) am I even begining to feel that I am getting a small piece of me back:). I have no clue what I would do without him and don't regret him for a second, but by god did I hate those baby-years too!!!

kaa

i found out i was pregnant at the end of my first year of college and was with my bf for only 3months.....i remember thinking and saying to the college doctor that i should be drinking my own bottle at 3 in the morning not giving a baby one. i was 19 when i found and was 20 having my daughter who is now 3.

i went back to college for 2nd year but dropped out after that because i could not study and mind a child....eventhough i would talk to my friends and all that and be jealous of them going out with out a care and getting drunk and not worrying about giving a night feed or dealing with a baby the next day and honestly i did think why do i have a baby and i did want my old life back and i felt like that for the 1st month after she was born....but been honest now i dont regret having my girl best thing that happened to me. i love it...times can be hard but its so worth it.

i know you worried about what type of parent you'll be but you really dont know untill have one....and yes you do think alot more when you are new mother but after a week or two you will be flying.

Fittle

I think if we are honest, there are alot of us who regret the situation we find ourselves in since we have had children - the circumstances surrounding our work/our home/our relationships and how they impact on trying to be the best parent we can be.

But i also think there are few (if any) who regret having the actual child.

RIRI

Fittle wrote: »

I think if we are honest, there are alot of us who regret the situation we find ourselves in since we have had children - the circumstances surrounding our work/our home/our relationships and how they impact on trying to be the best parent we can be.

But i also think there are few (if any) who regret having the actual child.

So true Fittle. Absolutely don't regret it for a second but if I knew then what I do now I would certainly have done things a little differently. If anything I struggle with always trying to be the best Mother, Wife & employee I can be and am often frustrated at trying to achieve balance & feel guilty when sacrifices have to be made.
IMHO OP there are very very few who regret having smallies. Good luck whatever you decide

LegacyUser

QUOTE:

"was dating my girlfriend for 3 months when she told me she was pregnant.
I had to relocate to the country from dublin leaving my family and friends behind.
Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well."


I don't see a problem with this post. It's hard enough to have kids, it's harder to have them when are not planned, but to have them 3 months into a relationship and with someone with different values and background from yours??? It must be a nightmare.

Although "class" is a politically incorrect word, no one would want to have an unplanned child with someone that didn't share the same values and goals as theirs. Just ads to the torment. So I think I understand where the poster is coming from.

Orion

I approved the last post but I'll say right now that if this turns into a thread about class, values or goals I'll close it. It's about regretting having children or not - not about my shirt is whiter than your blue one. There are some posts above this one discussing class - no more after this post please. There are other forums for that.

jmbkay

I don't regret having kids. But I often wonder what it would have been like to have an interesting career and money and no endless housework.

David Matthew

I found the following articles that I thought might be of interest to users posting here:

Two Is Enough

Exceprt:

For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard?

Does Having Children Ruin Your Life?

I really find this thread very interesting, and thanks to all those posters who have (sometimes painfully) poured out their experiences for the benefit of others (me among them).

chloek

I have never regretted having my kids, they are the best thing in my life.
I hope to have more children in the future.

I have friends who cannot have children and it is sad for them but I also have friends who decided not to have children as they wanted to travel and that is their choice.

trustno1

chloek wrote: »

I also have friends who decided not to have children as they wanted to travel and that is their choice.

I have two children and had the first when I was 24, neither were planned so it was a bit of shock - but I don't regret them for one nano second. When your child makes you laugh (really belly laugh) or comes to you for comfort when they are sick or tired or they just want a hug - you can't begin to describe that level of affection that they have for you, it's incredible.

Also, the whole 'travel' issue (which has been mentioned a few times) is nonsense, I am a single parent and we go on about 3 trips a year.. so if you want to travel, just bring them with you! which makes the experience more memorable!!..