Do you regret having children?

dalia-like

dalia-like wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm a very happily married 30 year old female, and am reaching that point in my life when we really need to think about starting a family (and whether I want to start a family more to the point!). My husband is very kean - it's just me holding back at this point.

Many of my friends are having babies and it's so easy to get wrapped up in it all and go along with what everyone else is doing but I'm just not convinced it's the right thing for me just yet. I'm scared of the isolation and the neverending-ness of it all, and the intensity of it, and the fear of something going wrong (though I'm sure that's just a natural reaction). Above all, I'm just not sure what type of parent I'd make, and I'd hate to bring up a person who has issues in adulthood as a result of this .... it just doesn't feel like a natural progression for me (at least just yet).

Can anyone here please tell me if you regret having children? Parenting sounds like such hard work, and despite the love you have for your child and the rewards you get from it, I'd be really curious to know if anyone regrets having them, and if you would do things differently if you had the chance?

I know this could be a difficult question, but I'd really appreciate your honesty.

Thanks

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

It's a rollercoaster, but for most of us it's the best rollercoaster we'll ever get to ride.

It is not easy, no matter what anyone says, but it is worth it. The early days are the toughest. You won't regret it, although there will be days when you get fed up. But there will be great moments and great days as well.

It is almost certain that you will not be a world champion parent, or a lousy parent. After 14 years at this gig, I reckon that most of us are just OK at being parents - and just OK is all we need to be.

You will fear things going wrong, and sometimes they will. You will get things wrong from time to time, but not as often as you'll get them right.

Whatever you do, your child or children will turn out to be their own people and not yours - and they will have issues of one kind or another when they reach adulthood, because very few of us make it to adulthood without issues of some sort.

The world will turn and turn, and the years will fly by, far faster than you can possibly imagine, and one day your children will leave home - and you will wonder how you will ever cope without having them around.

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

polly78

newwifey wrote: »

As babygirlz says it lonely, its thankless and its tiresome.

I would never say that my mummys job was thankless, tiresome maybe. As an adult me and my siblings continue to thank our parents for the life they could have had but didn't because they had four children to think of and did.

I do not like (was tempted to use the word abhor) how people now think nothing of "picking and choosing" when they will have kids.

Lets not forget your children are the future and if you do your best with them you will most likely have in 20, 30 yrs time something which a lot of parents are getting now, ie christmases(sp) with all the family there, new year, easter, a summer holiday and various fun times inbetween.

Picture just you and your partner at christmas twenty years from now with no children or grandchildren.....

CK2010

Deleted User wrote: »

When you're ready, you're ready, and only you can know when that is.

for some people its obvious but others dont know if they're ready or think they're not (i know i did when i became pregnant at 16!) until they actually become pregnant and get roughly 9 months to prepare and come round to it and then once you hold the baby something just clicks. you go from being unsure to knowing for a fact that you're gonna do everything you can for this little person. theres nothing like it! but i dont think anyone can be truely ready for parenthood, the good and the bad, you just adapt as you go along and hope for the best!
you'll never really know til you have them but once they're there you wont be able to survive without them!

metrovelvet

I know someone who said she wished she had abortions on her three kids and spent most of her life in TEsco.

Who knows, she could have been having a bad day that day... people say stuff

Irish_Elect_Eng

I do not regret having my three sons.

But.....For everything worth having in this life there is a price that must be paid to achieve it and must be paid to maintain it.

It is up to each individual to decide if the price for any achievement is worth the investment.

CathyMoran

No, I do not regret our son who is over 13 months and am heavily pregnant (on watch) with our daugher, I wanted them all my life but in my early 30's when we wanted them I became very ill so had my son at 36 and am now 37. We have trememdous fun with him (even though it is very tiring) and are loving being parents, every day he does little things that add up. I still get a thrill from seeing this little person that I wanted all my life asleep and try to imagine what he is dreaming about - I love him!

KittyeeTrix

Had my ist child relatively young when I just turned 20. It was really difficult watching my friends/sisters heading on nights out, holidays, carefree trips to town/beach etc

I clearly remember when he was only a month old sitting in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face after a phone call from my best friend asking if I was going out with them that night whilst hearing him crying for yet another feed in the next room, I thought at the time that "life well and truly sucked":(

Fast forward 17 years and 4 kids later, I'm now in the position where my sisters and friends have young kids and they now are tied up immensely with them whereas I've gotten "my life" back, so to speak. I'm headed into 4th year of a science degree and am ready to embark on the next chapter of life.

Hopefully I will live to a grand age (80's) and will have the opportunity to see my grandkids reach their 30's and possibly even have the opportunity to meet my great grandchildren.

While it was tough when they and I were younger I don't regret a single thing:)

The future is unknown and likely full of exciting times because of the children I've had!!

LegacyUser

Hi again,

This is the OP here, thanks so much for all the replies, it has been very interesting reading and a lot of food for thought

My OH and I have been together 10 years and I know without a doubt that he'll be an amazing father, very hands on and doting so that's a huge plus for me to know I'll have his support 100%.

We've done all the travelling we wanted, have good careers, lived abroad and take a couple of foreign holidays a year so I'm hoping when the time comes to have a baby, there won't be any resentment there as we've lived our lives to the fullest up to now. I definitely can't see myself in my 50's with no family there, and I guess if I'm honest, I already know that we will have a family, but I'm just scared Once you take the plunge, there is absolutely NO going back, and that for me is terrifying because you don't know what you're going to start .... Funny though that the baby part doesn't scare me (I LOVE newborns) but the toddler (exhaustion 24/7) and early teen years freak the bejasus out of me. I just don't know how to relate!!!

I'd hate also the idea of leaving it too late and finding out maybe that I LOVE kids at the age of 36/37 and not being able to have more .. that would be awful.

I suppose there never is a right time, but I don't think I'm the type of person who will ever be 100% ready either. It's a tough one!!!

lolli

I had my daughter 16 months ago at the age of 25. She has had lots of health issues which is hard, but everytime I see those bright blue eyes and that big smile I know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel my heart will burst with love for her. I always stated that I would NEVER have children and that I never had a maternal bone in my body. It has shocked me at how much I love this little person and how much I want to protect her.

Noffles

What a stupid comment?

I said I regretted it, I never said I never loved them.

Luckily I'm still young enough and they are old enough for me and them to no longer rely on each other so much and all feel we're able to do our own thing.

So please, don't presume so much.

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.

At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

bubbaloo

I always wanted children. Then when the time came, it took us 7 years and 2 m/c and a lot of miracles before our little man came along - he's now 2.
I must admit I found it very difficult. I had spent 7 years building the dream of what motherhood would be but when it happened I didn't bond with him and felt nothing for him. I had a lot of external issues in my life and I ended up with post-natal depression, on happy pills and going to counselling. I certainly spent the first year regretting having him - I wanted to give him away. I spent some of the second year feeling the same.
It is only in recent months that I have thought about the reality of what life would be like without him and I think it would be lonely and quiet.
I love him now but I still don't feel the enormity of love that others talk about. I live now in the hope that my love for him will continue to increase as it has done over the past year - that's all I can hope for now. I missed out on so much at the beginning because I was so wrapped up in my own feelings and how he affected my life. I mourned my previous life and I was so messed up I thought I could give him away and go back to a "normal" relationship with my husband and a "normal" life with my friends. It is only in hindsight that I realise how crazy I was to think I could do that.
My regrets now are that I let my own selfishness dictate my first 18 months of motherhood - having fought so long and hard to have him.
Some people (some of my friends) never get to experience parenthood and I feel guilty towards them.
I'm sorry if I've come across as a big heap of negativity but it's been very difficult to admit my feelings - as someone else said, it's taboo - but it happens and ignoring it doesn't prevent it happening to other people.
I think I would regret it in the future if I had given up without ever having him. All you can do is think about how your life will be if you don't have children and, although it sounds like you have already decided you do want children, which life would you prefer?
Best of luck.

Cat Melodeon

I always had it in my head that I would have kids but could never picture myself actually being pregnant and having them. Had a few serious relationships in my teens and twenties, could have had kids then but it didn't feel right - because of partner, timing, mostly because of me. I met my now husband in my late twenties and knew he was 'the one'. The timing still wasn't right though - we were living abroad, working, partying, studying etc and having a pretty good time of it. Eventually we got to a more settled phase where partying was fairly limited because of work commitments and friends having families and just hitting that stage in life where there are better things to be doing, like getting up early to take the dogs for a long walk in the countryside or just enjoying life without a hangover. At that point, there wasn't really any major change in lifestyle to be made, so aged 35 we had our first.

It was a pretty major change, but I certainly wouldn't call it a sacrifice of any sort. We still have a social life, although it's not the kind of messy drunken crap that we got up to years ago. We still have plenty of crack with our friends, even if it's more likely to be in a park or at a bbq than in a pub or club. We tend to be in bed earlier than I ever imagined, but the flipside is that we do more with our weekends than we ever did before - meeting friends, going off for drives & hikes, exploring the countryside, visiting family in far-off places etc. People who are only into clubbing etc might imagine that to be terminally dull and there are times when I miss being footloose and fancy free, but I wouldn't swap for the world. Our wee man is an absolute howl and we just love spending time with him and watching him develop and grow. Our second is on the way and we're looking forward to growing our family a bit more. We have a good family and a good babysitter so we haven't given up everything that we did before, we just do it a bit less often.

If you have a good solid relationship, make time for your partner in your life, make sure to leave space for yourself as an individual, and provided there are no unforeseen disasters (like financial messes, divorce, evil spawn children) you will not regret having kids. Just make sure you are ready first. If you are thinking about it now, at 30, you still have a few years before you have to take the plunge. Don't leave it too long though, early mornings get harder as you get older!

cynder

Don't regret having mine at all, I will be 37 when my eldest is 18, still young enough, and when my youngest is 18 i will be 44. They do say life begins at 40 and that's why all the kids are grown up and independent and able to look after themselves.

Ive got a few tough years ahead with my eldest being diabetic and the youngest having issues, but we will get through it. Married to my guy nearly 3 years even though we have been together for 13 years. Life does revolve around the kids in the early years and i wouldn't want it any other way.

Give it another 15-20 years and i will welcome the grandkids........

Fittle

I remember being pregnant, and people telling me constantly 'the first year is the hardest'. But that's just not true.

The first 4/5 years are the hardest. Until your child is old enough to understand rationalising (if you do this, you don't get that etc), parenting is very challenging (well, for me it was anyway). I found when my son was about 5, that I really started to enjoy being a parent. And now he's 9, and hand on heart, I love every minute of being his mum...but it was a long road to get here:rolleyes:

babygirlz

CK2010 wrote: »

thats what myself and the OH have planned! we'll be out clubbing with her! we can enjoy our 'missed years' with the maturity not to make the silly mistakes we would have at that age! win win!

Hopefully she won't be like me then, hiding in the toilets when I saw my mam in the club as I was SO embarrassed to see her there, she had me at 18 so by the time I was 18/19 she was reliving the youth she lost out on

furiousox

stovelid wrote: »

Put them up for adoption then.
At least that way, somebody might appreciate them.

That's a nasty comment....

OP despite what you read here I don't think anyone is ever "ready" to have children despite what they may think.
I also think you should listen more to how you feel, not how others do.
If you have any doubts at all, if you enjoy the sense of freedom you have I would think long and hard about proceeding with children.
Do you truly cherish being able to do what you want when you want to?
Could you sacrifice that for maybe 10 years or more?
With children, the child comes first and your needs a looong way back in second place.
If you feel you are willing to make that sacrifice, maybe even embrace that sacrifice then ok but if you are unsure....

PS The theory for succesful parenting is quite simple, all you need is endless love and endless patience.
Theory is one thing of course and practice is another!
Good luck whatever you choose.

Rob113

For me the best thing that ever happened to me was having my 2 girls. The first was born after I had just turned 20. Yes my life changed forever and I missed out on travelling, nights out, carefree living etc..... But to have one of my daughters look me in the eye and tell me they love me and know that they mean it more than anything else in the world makes it more than worthwhile. I don't intend having anymore kids and I only get to see them at the weekends now, meaning I have zero chance of a social life until they are older but still I don't regret them one bit. They are my life and as long as they need me to be there for them then I will be. Do I feel like I'm missing out on anything, no absolutely not. I'll be early 40's by the time the youngest is 18. Plenty of time for me to do all the things I've missed out on then. Do it op before its too late, you won't regret it one bit.

reitseal

polly78 wrote: »

I Thinking you want kids in your forties wouldn't be a good thing. I had my wee boy when I was 21 and now at 33 really appreciate the "still young enough to get what he's on about" knowing and liking mtv chart show!.

Please don't judge mothers on the basis of their age because believe me, that has nothing to do with the quality of mother you are. I know many great (first time) mums in their forties and some (imo) pretty crap much younger mothers. Also vice versa by the way. You don't have to be 20 to have a good handle on popular culture y'know :rolleyes:

Nobody will ever say they regret having kids but tbh that doesn't = that they're doing a great job of parenting so it's kind of a moot point. Whatever your age or circs, you're either ready/a good candidate to have kids or not and lots of people aren't, which is why there are so many kids in bad setups.

Anyway back on topic OP, have kids whenever you decide to ... or not. Just try and get any of those things you wanted to do with your life out of the way first. Kids tie you down, but in a good way when you're ready...

giftgrub

We have a two year old boy who has what you might call and "independent streak".

He's torn the house asunder...he doesn't do anything we ask, he has the dog terrorised and if it isnt nailed down or covered in duct tape he'll get into it.

We're from small families so there isnt a lot of support in terms of babysitting etc, we have to rely on friends. A night out has to be planned a month in advance.

We still don't get an uninterrupted night's sleep, generally he'll mooch in to our room at around 4am.

Some days we want to kill him, he can be a total p***k.

But then he'll climb up on the couch beside you and watch a cartoon sitting on your lap, or he'll give you a hug...

He's our first and we've decided we wont be having another one, I think we're at the toughest stage right now but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it.

Oh the thing that really suprised me about becoming a dad was the worry...not only do i worry about him sticking his hand in the toaster, but i worry about what kind of man he'll be.

Anyway, if you go for it its all ahead of you...and the best piece of advice we were given was by our GP, who said Do whatever works for you and don't mind anyone else.

Sleepy

There are days when I mourn the life I had planned out for myself (search my past posts on boards.ie long enough and you'll find grand notions of driving a jeep around the world!). I never got to travel the world as I'd dreamed of, nor take the job in Sydney I was in the middle of interviewing for when I found out my partner was pregnant.

I regret not having had my own life more sorted out professionally, financially and geographically before having had my daughter. I'd prefer to raise children at home in Galway than here in Dublin for reasons of safety, culture and support network but family circumstances prevent that.

Changing any of those things though, would change who my daughter is and since she's without doubt the best thing in my life I wouldn't change having had her for a euromillions win.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

I remember being pregnant, and people telling me constantly 'the first year is the hardest'. But that's just not true.

The first 4/5 years are the hardest. Until your child is old enough to understand rationalising (if you do this, you don't get that etc), parenting is very challenging (well, for me it was anyway). I found when my son was about 5, that I really started to enjoy being a parent. And now he's 9, and hand on heart, I love every minute of being his mum...but it was a long road to get here:rolleyes:

When you're a single parent its different, your choices are made in the dark. You dont know if you will get a little support or a lot or none from the other parent, or if it will change, but for a lot of us we are the mom and the dad, and its hard to enjoy it when you are working so hard all the time, its hard to enjoy anything when you havent slept in a year.

I had a lot of things going on which interefered with my early parenthood and I regret not elininating those interferences. [well hes three now, so its still early I guess...]

Every day 7pm, thats it we are in the house. No slipping out for the milk you forgot at tesco, or a little walk on a summer evening. That's it you are inside.

Im rambling a little here but the sacrifices you have to make will entirely pivot on the circumstances in which you are having your child. Supportive husband? Extended family? Good neighbors?

barron

I think benig parent is one of the best things which may happend to anyone, of course not everyone may understand it and be a good parent but i think that people regret rather that they are bad parents not that they have children.

ash23

asking someone if they regret having kids is, to me, the same as asking me if I regret being born a woman.

In that, I can see the advantages to being male but I can only imagine what it would be like.

Had I not become a parent, who knows where I'd be? Would I have gone back and finished my degree and be a multi millionaire who found a cure for cancer and was now living the high life, revered and loved by many....possibly.
Would I have stayed in my bar job and drank every night, descending into a spiral of alcoholism and debauchery who became alienated from my family and friends, lived in some crummy flat with a bottle of vodka as my only love.....possibly (probably!) .

Neither of those happened. What did happen was I had a baby. She may have ruined me, she may have saved me. I'll never know. And a series of events lead me to the life I have now, which all and all isn't a bad one.
I'm fortunate to have a wonderful daughter who I seem to have a good relationship with and I'm hoping it will weather the storm of adolesence.

I try not to look to far ahead, speculating what will be, nor do I look to far behind, speculating what may have been. If I do I'll miss whats actually happening.

murphyaii

was dating my girlfriend for 3 months when she told me she was pregnant.
I had to relocate to the country from dublin leaving my family and friends behind.
Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well.
i've a 2.5 year old daughter.when she was first born, she had collic
so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.
also we commute to dublin everyday from the country to dublin to work.
i didn't bond with my daughter till she was like 9 months.basically when she started to get a personality
now i know most people would not be in my situation but i'm telling you if i had the choice i would have chosen my old life.
but i love my daughter now and wouldn't give her up to anyone.
as for the work involved in bringing a child up.
that becomes second nature after the first year as you learn to become a better parent.
pity the damn guide books never really prepare you but only the mother
so stay single or become a parent, there are advantages to both.
but if you really think about it, in years to come do you want to remain single, with your husband either resenting you or leaving you because you didn't want to become a parent?
also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

Fittle

murphyaii wrote: »

......so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.

also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

Two points jumped out at me there - firstly, I don't know WHO told you that babies sleep for the first 3 months, but they were lying!!!

And secondly, any of us could drop dead in the morning so having a baby should not be something you do so that someone will look after you should your husband pass away (that's even if you have a husband):rolleyes:

cynder

murphyaii wrote: »

also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

.

You should not have kids so they can look after you when you are older, go into a nursing home, they have their own lives to live they shouldnt be looking after their parents.

When im old and passed it (if im still alive) i dont want my kids looking after me! I dont expect it and certainly i dont want it. My mom has said the same thing to me. My aunt owns a rest home and there not that bad at all.


Just thought If i reach to be 100 my daughter will be 81:eek:......she wont be much help at 81......

bubbaloo

murphyaii wrote: »

was dating my girlfriend for 3 months when she told me she was pregnant.
I had to relocate to the country from dublin leaving my family and friends behind.
Stil have resentment issues towards my girlfriend as she's from tallaght and i was from the southside.different classes as well.
i've a 2.5 year old daughter.when she was first born, she had collic
so instead of your usual 3 months and baby sleeps.we had 8 months and eventually she slept.
also we commute to dublin everyday from the country to dublin to work.
i didn't bond with my daughter till she was like 9 months.basically when she started to get a personality
now i know most people would not be in my situation but i'm telling you if i had the choice i would have chosen my old life.
but i love my daughter now and wouldn't give her up to anyone.
as for the work involved in bringing a child up.
that becomes second nature after the first year as you learn to become a better parent.
pity the damn guide books never really prepare you but only the mother
so stay single or become a parent, there are advantages to both.
but if you really think about it, in years to come do you want to remain single, with your husband either resenting you or leaving you because you didn't want to become a parent?
also who will look after you when your older if your husband passes away?

things to consider....

I have to agree with the others who commented on your post - - it was more like 14 months of no sleep for us - and not exactly 7 full nights sleep per week since !!
But your comments on class difference and country vs dublin really stood out to me. If you consider your partner to be a different class of person to you and resent her for having to leave your friends and family, you have a load of problems there before you even begin parenting, and that just adds to the strain that enters your life with a child!
Also, there are plenty of guidebooks on parenting for both mother and father - it sounds to me that you feel a bit vicitmised.

xxtattyberxx

Really have to agree with alot of women on this topic,
I'll never regret having my son, my only regret is the person I had him with. Being a single parent is S**t, ya dont get out alot, at all in some cases, do the late night night feeds, kissing the boo boos alone.

your choices are made in the dark

so well said, sometimes in pitch black. But at the end of the day I wouldnt change my lad for the world, He's Adhd and Aspergers and boy does he challenge me every day, he frustrates me, drives me crazy at the best of times but I couldnt imagine my life without him, and I dont want. #
Sure theres days were you need peace, need to let loose and go mad, well suppose thats were auntys/uncles/ grandparents etc come in.
Its not all fun and games, Its testing to the core and theres no such as a private life or night of, but if a child is what you want you'll never regret it.

barbiegirl

As someone struggling to have children in the first place, despite the fact I haven't travelled the world, won the lotto, my career will suffer, I'll have no sleep and constant worry. I won't regret it, if I finally get there, and I have to say I have yet to meet any parent who has, whether older or younger parents.
Over the last number of years if there is one thing I've learnt and it is that there is nothing more important than family, including yourself.

Frank Black

The only thing I regret about having kids (2 qnd 4yrs old) is not appreciating all that free time I had before we had them.

Seriously, what did I do with that time?