Wife wants abortion

Ickle Magoo

Guys, this isn't about you and it isn't about anybody - it's about the OP. Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to them.

KittyeeTrix

_ariadne wrote: »

well the 'bigger picture' is that he has three living, breathing children who need him and deserve the best life possible, a divorce or a child the mother will always resent will seriously impact these childrens lives. that is the 'bigger picture'. (IMO) Those children should come first for the OP, and not the 'potential' child.




This woman may have many reasons, be they medical, emotional, financial or any other. the fact that you or anyone else can cope with four kids does not mean every woman should have to against their will.



I highly doubt that this woman is happy to abort the child

I dont know the reasons behind the womans decision to have an abortion and am aware now that I used the wrong word to describe her decision to pursue one as "happy", I do forget sometimes that on an internet discussion site that posts can be picked apart over the inappropriate use of a word....................I should have said is "willing" to proceed with an abortion:)

I can only imagine what the OP is going through and from my own perspective I could not imagine settling back into a happy homelife with a partner who was "willing" to abort my child against my wishes.

The OP is only being honest in his thoughts and feelings and whether they are right or wrong, unfortunately they represent what this possible abortion will mean to him.

MadameCholet wrote: »

Fluffyorganic, you're a man I take it?

Seriously you could never imagine in a million years what it's like to be pregnant and how long it seems to go on for, and how every pregnancy leaves you a bit more knacked than the one before it..., and pregnant with a gaggle of demanding younger children, and then you have to GIVE birth, which is no picnic believe me, and you feel awful and tired and unattractive, and then you have to breastfeed and have sore breasts, or you have to formula feed and feel guilty about it. And you have to get up at 1am and 3 am and five am, and then you have to do everything that you would have had to do ANYway the next day.

how can people scratch their heads in bafflement saying they can't understand her decision!? Oh come on.

PS, I totally agree with the poster ARiadne who says that she doubts the OP's wife is "happy" to have an abortion. An abortion is not what she wants. What she WANTS is not to be pregnant.

I am female, aged 37 and mum to 4 children now aged 17, 14, 12 and 9.....
My 2 middle children were born 6 and 7 weeks early so have had suffered 1.5 hourly feeds through the night for months, I understand it is a hard slog for many months so I guess you could say that I do know what it is like to be pregnant. Not only did I express my milk for 12 weeks but then had to bottle feed it to the prematures as we couldn't establish a proper latch on so had the horror of both breast and formula feeding at the same time...
We've never had proper money, so to speak....and yes, I am pro-choice but I again cannot understand how someone could take the decision to abort ther 4th child especially looking at their other 3 on a daily basis. Only my opinion!!!

Again I should not have used the word "happy" and instead should've used the word "willing".....:)

As I've said, I don't know the circumstances behind the OP's wifes decision to have an abortion but I can see how it would be very hard for him to deal with and it's really not something he can just get over and brush off quite so easily.......At the same time I feel for this lady who for whatever reason (medical/emotional/financial) feels she cannot take the pregnancy forward. For me, the only reason I'd ever have contemplated abortion would've been for medical reasons but obviously we don't absolutely know the emotional/financial state of the family..

The OP has however alluded to the fact that financially it would be hard but not impossible and hasn't mentioned any medical reasons so possibly we are left with emotional. Unfortunately having 4 children is tough on a woman and emotionally she could be a wreck!!!

An awful situation they BOTH find themselves in and I honestly don't know how it will be resolved without one of them giving in, for want of a better word:(

LegacyUser

This thread makes me sad. OP talk to your wife, ask her why she feels she has to do this. She has already had 3 children, she knows the bond that develops between a pregnant women and their unborn child so for her to want to have an abortion there must be something bothering her greatly. Is she totally overwhelmed with the other kids, depressed, worn out? You really need to sit down and find out why she wants this abortion and explain to her why you don't want her to have it. But I am guessing that you both need to be prepared for some unpleasant home truths. Clearly you both view your relationship and family situation very differently. Counselling would be very helpful as others have suggested.
Unfortunately like others have said if she makes the decision that this is what she needs to do, there is nothing you can do really. But think long and hard before making any rash decisions about leaving her. You have 3 other children to think of and they need you too, and you wife will need you after this.
Also if she does go through with the abortion and you salvage your relationship you both may want to look at more effective or even permanent methods of contraception so that you do not find yourselves in this situation again.
I wish you both the best of luck.

nesbitt

As already advised you both need to get professional help and advice.

There must be in my view other serious and important underlying factors leading to the OP's wife feeling that she needs to abort the 4th child of her marriage.

Debating abortion, surmising the wifes reasons are futile. Only the OP knows the true story.

Please seek proper help and guidance, these days just a phone call away.

KittyeeTrix

nesbitt wrote: »

As already advised you both need to get professional help and advice.

There must be in my view other serious and important underlying factors leading to the OP's wife feeling that she needs to abort the 4th child of her marriage.

Debating abortion, surmising the wifes reasons are futile. Only the OP knows the true story.

Please seek proper help and guidance, these days just a phone call away.

Very true and excellent advice...

@OP........You need to sit down calmly and explain to your wife exactly what this proposed abortion means to you and ask her to seek some outside help as Nesbitt has suggested..

Good luck to ye both:)

LegacyUser

I have just read the post of Wife wants abortion. The unnamed man has said he has 3 children aged 5,3 and 1. His wife wants an abortion and she has told him this.
He told her do this and I will leave you.
Where will you go when your wife and kids live in the family home?
Your wife has a enough to deal with and you are acting like a child who is not getting there own way. No woman gets up in the morning and decides to have an abortion.
Your wife has thought about this and knows that another child will have a major implications for her health, her life and family long term. You need to know that a happy mother is worth a lot to your children but if you make your wife have this baby your family will suffer long term and you may not stay together as a couple.
I would support your wife's decision to have an abortion and I would get the snip so that your wife does not have another pregnancy.
There is more to being a men than having your wife pregnant 3 times in 4 years and for you it's time to become a man.
.

dudara

wise woman You may want to consider the fact that it is also his child, and it not purely her decision to make, especially as they are a married couple.

It is something that they need to talk about, perhaps in an impartial, 3rd party setting.

quickbeam

Good luck with the situation OP. I feel for you and hope you can both be happy with whatever you choose. I would say though, whatever decision is made, please do make an appointment for a vasectomy asap if you plan to stay with your wife to ensure you don't have to go through this again.

Benincasa

true-or-false wrote: »

If you threaten your wife with leaving her, and she agrees, she is going to have to carry this child, she is going to raise this child, and she will be doing this under duress. Your marriage will be broken, your children will be put under considerable emotional stress, and I wouldn't be surprised if your wife ended up with post-natal depression, or a resentment for the child. There's a good chance that not only will the child be brought up in a tense, emotionally fraught situation, and most likely a bad relationship with it's mother, but it will have to deal with the fact that it's the reason it's parents are angry at each other all the time. Finances and relationships will strain, and your wife would probably never forgive you.

And there is also a chance that she could end up suffering from depression if she goes ahead with the abortion. It's not a case of depression with child, happy without it. It's not so clear as that from a psychological point of view.

You also assume that she wouldn't love the child and be happy she didn't have the abortion. I've met women who have had abortions and regretted them, I have never met one who opted against abortion and regretted that decision.

OP: Perhaps you should contact LIFE Ireland. They are used to these sorts of situations and will provide specific counselling for you in this situation. 1850 281 281.

Somebody else said it - I doubt your wife is happy to make this decision and must feel under a lot of pressure. Clarity from you about supporting her with this child after birth is essential.

Good luck.

vicecreamsundae

dudara wrote: »

wise woman You may want to consider the fact that it is also his child, and it not purely her decision to make, especially as they are a married couple.

It is something that they need to talk about, perhaps in an impartial, 3rd party setting.

It is ENTIRELY her choice to make. it might seem unfair, but biology is unfair. this is happening in her body and SHE is in charge of her body, despite all the emotional blackmail in the world.

OP, it is a sad situation, but I think you need to focus on the fact that you already have three children. going through pregnancy, giving birth, raising a child... these are no mean feats. it's not something you can say "ah sure you've already done 3, why not one more?" because the answer may well be "because I've already done THREE!"

I would recommend counselling for the two of you. But personally I think you just need to tell you you would support her in whatever she decides. She has done this three times, it's not unreasonable for her to decide she doesnt want to do it again.

and for commenters saying "she should have made sure she didn't get pregnant", equally HE should have made sure he didn't get her pregnant if he didnt want to be faced with this situation. contraception is both their responsibility.

tenchi-fan

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

It is ENTIRELY her choice to make...
..
"because I've already done THREE!"

Could you live with the person who killed your baby? Could you trust that person again? Could you look at their body without being reminded of the abortion?

I think these are the real issues for the op.

And even if you could forgive all that, could you cope with the psychological trainwreck a woman can become after having an abortion and years later being unable to have any more kids. I can just imagine a blame game, with his wife saying if money wasn't such an issue in the past she never would have had to have the abortion!

I think it's great that everyone is so liberal these days but sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, especially reading comments like "you just need to tell you you would support her in whatever she decides", "I would support your wife's decision to have an abortion and I would get the snip so that your wife does not have another pregnancy." Absolutely appalling.

WhatWillBee

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Could you live with the person who killed your baby? Could you trust that person again? Could you look at their body without being reminded of the abortion?

I think these are the real issues for the op.

And even if you could forgive all that, could you cope with the psychological trainwreck a woman can become after having an abortion and years later being unable to have any more kids. I can just imagine a blame game, with his wife saying if money wasn't such an issue in the past she never would have had to have the abortion!

I think it's great that everyone is so liberal these days but sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, especially reading comments like "you just need to tell you you would support her in whatever she decides", "I would support your wife's decision to have an abortion and I would get the snip so that your wife does not have another pregnancy." Absolutely appalling.

Its 'APPALLING' to you that a woman chooses what happens to her own body?

I don't think anyone would argue that a man SHOULD have equal say in such decisions but biology has dictated otherwise. Is it fair? not even by a long shot.

The OP is in an awful position, where he can only contribute to a such a big decision, but at the end of the day his wife will have final say.

They are married, they have to find a way to come together in this. That's what marriage is, not getting your way but supporting your partner anyway. And yes, that goes for his wife too.

thecookingapple

Terrible situation for both you and your wife, i cannot give you advice al i can say is that you have my best wishes and thoughts at this most difficult time.

In a perfect world we can have everything but it is not a perfect world.

Count Duckula

I'd like to see the replies in this thread if the roles were reversed - that he wanted her to have an abortion whilst she wanted to carry the child to term. No doubt they'd be along the lines of, "well it's her decision, you need to consider your family's well-being and just deal with the fact that she's goign to have the child."

Basically, OP, you're a man. You have no say whatsoever on the future direction of your family, and that's just the way it is. You can accept your wife's decision, or you can leave, but you need to bear in mind that by leaving you will be hurting your children most of all - and they're completely innocent in all this.

Of course, most posters pointing out that he's being unreasonable in his stance are missing a key point. Yes, if he forces her to have the child she will resent it, and likely him, and the entire family unit will be destroyed. Equally, if he leaves on a point of principle then, again, the entire family unit will be destroyed.

But everyone seems to be under the assumption that if he just accept her stance and lets her get on with it everyone will be happy and he'll have learnt a valuable lesson in women's rights. No one seems to be considering that he will come to resent her, as in his eyes she has killed one of his children. Surely that will lead to bitterness, arguments, and a fundamental lack of trust between them that will, in the end, also lead to the break down of the family unit?

Frankly, I think both the OP and his wife made a grave error in not discussing this in the first place. What you as a couple will do if the woman becomes pregnant is a key, key decision and talk to have early on in the relationship. To have such a huge schism between the two of you shows a terrible lack of communication that'll probably spell the end of your marriage.

tiny_penguin

I think the issue is the lack of communication. From your original post OP it would appear that she has told him that she is having an abortion because she cant cope and that is it. I think you need to sit down and discuss her reasons for it (maybe with a professional) so you can try to come to terms with why she feels that way. Maybe if you know the reasons you can help and support her and find resolution that abortion is not the only answer - or accept that she has a valid reason for wanting this and be able to support her.

Unfortunatly ultimatly the decision does lie with her as it is her body - but as it is your child you deserves to be able to discuss the reasons and options so you can have a full understanding of the situation.

MagicMarker

OP, you have to sit down and talk to your wife, but you must accept that ultimately it's her decision to make. Are you really willing to break up your family over this?

chicken fingers

Condoms, limited sex life, pregnancy, wife wants abortion.
In another country, another world, another couple those factors could suggest that the wife was unfaithful. I've known this or something like this to have happened twice to people I knew, albeit in USA and the continent.

seenitall

chicken fingers wrote: »

Condoms, limited sex life, pregnancy, wife wants abortion.
In another country, another world, another couple those factors could suggest that the wife was unfaithful. I've known this or something like this to have happened twice to people I knew, albeit in USA and the continent.

Yes, that must be it - she is cheating. The facts which you (and you are not the first to do it on this thread) enumerated certainly point in that direction. I agree wholehartedly.

Anything else would certainly be too far-fetched to consider. Like the fact that the woman has 3 kids under the age of 6 to clothe, feed, bathe, keep entertained and ensure they avoid a dangerous encounter with a sharp object/steep incline/hot liquid etc, etc, etc. on a daily basis. I can see why she should be only too happy to add to the brood, let alone having rampant and clockwork-regular sex life with hubby.

I know that women a generation or two ago in this country never used to think twice about having child after child after child after child, but people's expectations of their lives have changed somewhat since then? Which explains the use of condoms, I would think? Except that condoms are not fail-safe!

Never mind the fact that I would really, really question the wherewithal of someone in her position for either finding the time or the energy to conduct a secret affair. The word "superwoman" comes to mind.

I support the third party involvement in this issue, it's a marital issue that has come to an impasse and needs outside help now. I just find this cheating theory that's being seriously proposed on here, on the basis of some very questionable evidence, so ridiculous!

Ickle Magoo

Count Duckula & chicken fingers infracted for off-topic and unhelpful posting - and ignoring the ample warning already on this thread.

Since the advice is getting thin on the ground for the OP in place of arguments over how posters themselves view abortion and the OP has not returned to it, I'm locking the thread.

OP, if you wish it re-opened please let a PI moderator know - either by posting anonymously or registering and PMing.