Hitting child, over-reaction

Snappy the Moose

Hi, I am probably stepping into the dragon's lair here but anyway I'm looking for some opinions.

Yesterday was the first time I ever belted my son, it was a nice little rasp that I am not proud of. Anyway, my wife stormed out and is threatening to get the guards onto me. I never hit him before and I was wrong but she is being a bit of a softcock imo.

The youngfella was a bit stand-offish but I bought him a bar and all was forgiven in his eyes so the relationship seems to be intact thankfully. However, my wife is posing a difficulty. I told her I was sorry and that she was over-reacting as there is kids being fondled everyday and she wants to call the guards on me over something which I acknowledged was wrong.
She freaked out even more and then I stupidly said she will be getting a slap next in a humourous context. Anyway she then tells me I'm a bad parent and left.

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like.

Thanks.

LadyMayBelle

You lost the rag and took your anger out and belted your son (how old is he?)

You're the adult, the parent and should know better, and to allude to sexual inappropriateness (fondling) and domestic violence in a humorous context, where your wife wanted to have a serious conversation about you belting your son, is completely irresponsible and immature. In my opinion.

She's completely over-reacting.. A slap as a child is the only thing that kids listen to.
The younger generation coming through are out of control because this became illegal.

If the wife does get the guards onto you, tell her to move out. I wouldn't live with anyone who used the law on me because I disciplined my kid. How serious could it be if a bar of chocolate fixed it.

RMD

Bollox to that Ads. I never once got a slap off my parents yet I knew if I did something wrong they'd come down on me with a verbal ****storm that felt worse than any slap could. It shows a lack of parenting skills when the only way you can get a kid to respect you is through violence.

The younger generation is out of control due to shody parents who generally couldn't give a **** what their kid is up to once they're outside the house, and it's generally these parents who will give their kids a box once they've done something wrong as well. If a kid is brought up where the only way to gain respect is through violence, what does that tell them?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Google, sounds like you're trolling. There are plenty of ways of communicating with kids without hitting them. Loads of people have manage to bring up kids in without hitting them.

Anyway, to the OP. As long as the kid knows you're sorry, (and knows that whatever he did was still wrong) I say chill. No parent is perfect. I think a better apology for the wife might be in order, mainly because your humorous apprach has given her the idea that you're not taking this seriously and could well hit the little guy again.

wolfpawnat

We all lose the plot now and then, as long as you explain to the child that you were angry and you are sorry then you have been a good parent, you explained the meaning of right and wrong, I am sure if you looked at your wife's parenting, she has slipped here and there too! Parents are human! We make mistakes.

I have slapped my son twice (both on his hand), once when he was going to put his hand on the inside of the oven door while I was taking something out of it and the oven was 200 degrees Celsius and the other time when he tried to walk onto a road joining the M50 and the N11 (so very damn busy). I was sorry, but I had to show these things were worse than throwing food on the floor or pouring his juice all over my freshly ironed clothes, which are time out offences!

OP, she over reacted, it is clear you are not an abusive father!

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

princemuzzy

Where did u hit him and how hard ? What was he doing ? Sounds to me like she is over reacting

LadyMayBelle

I would never got too far as to say a slap never did a child any harm..I got the wooden spoon across the back of legs as a kid as well, and I am not damaged, but every child is totally different. Plus, naturally, we aren't getting the context of the incident; what was the precursor, etc etc, is slapping accepted in your household as a method of discipline..

A choc bar isn't going to 'fix' everything; kids needs to know that Mum/Dad shouldn't have dealt with whatever naughty thing they did while in a fit of anger..what's that teaching the child?

And of course, every parent slips, god we're only human! But it's about being able to check yourself and think back and say did I really need to belt little jimmy or was that me losing the rag when I could have dealt with it rationally. That's good enough.

I do agree an apology is in order to your wife, you need to hear her concerns as clearly she has some for the wellbeing of your son.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

In fairness, none of us ever said it was, but I objected to you saying that it was the ONLY way. For me, it's just lazy communication regardless of it's effectiveness.

And I was slapped as a kid and it DID do me harm as I started hittign back and became very aggrerssive.

Anyway, back on topic...

Jesus, stop nit-picking at every word... OCD much? Of course I don't think it's the only way. It's a figure of speach.

And you hitting back says more about you as a person imo. Everyone is born different, some boys hit everything around them while others don't. Parents aren't responsible for every trait.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

Jesus, stop nit-picking at every word... OCD much? Of course I don't think it's the only way. It's a figure of speach.

And you hitting back says more about you as a person imo. Everyone is born different, some boys hit everything around them while others don't. Parents aren't responsible for every trait.

Your inital post said differetly and a lot of people do believe that. And I only ever hit out in retaliation or self-defense. You're just going from one bad assumption to another.

barbs84

why would you hit a child obviously your son cant hit you back, would you go around hitting everyone you passed on the street? if there was a problem you should of sat ur son down and had a talk with him, by hitting him you are putting across the message violence is fine, your wife would be right to go to the guards, if you hit anyone else they would prob go to the guards so why shouldnt she

Beruthiel

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like.

She's extremely upset and disappointed in you.
Clearly she feels very strongly with regards to physically punishing a small child who cannot hope to match that kind of violence.

You slapped him out of anger.
In other words, you where not in control of your own feelings. You wouldn't have done it otherwise.
A parent needs to know exactly how they will react to their childs misbehaviour. A child needs to be under no illusion about what will happen if they misbehave.
This is something you should both be on the same page with before it happens.
btw - giving him a bar afterwards is just sending him mixed messages. He did not deserve it.

As for people who think that a parent slapping a child does them no harm.
Do they think it's ok to hate your mother to the extent that you would be quite happy if she died? That you would dance on her grave if she did. That's the wonderful relationship I had with my mother up to my late twenties. She may have gotten me to toe the line, but she had no relationship with me whatsoever.

Morag

Why did you hit him?
How did you hit him?
Where did you hit him?

There is a difference between a slap for discipline and lashing out in anger.
You need to be able to talk about this in a more constructive manner with you wife, you know you lashed out and it was wrong why else would you apolguise, If it's the first time it's happened she may will be shocked and the ill timed remark about hitting her also was stupid.

planetX

What exactly does 'belted' mean, because to me that would mean a fair amount of force.
It's the first time you crossed that line. I'd be just the same as your wife - and make bloody sure it was the last time. You sound like it's a bit of a joke to you.

silja

When you say you belted him, is that actually taking a belt to him? If so no, she did not over-react. If you gave him a quick slap on the hand/ bum then I would say yes, she did over react.

seamus

Your wife is overreacting to a certain degree. Storming out and threatening to call the guards, is an overreaction.

However, being very upset and angry with you, is not. You don't appear to completely understand what you did wrong. You've apologised to her for hitting the child (and bizarrely bought him a bar instead of sitting him down and apologising to him), but you don't seem overly concerned that it occurred in the first place and that you allowed yourself to lose control to that degree.

Do you understand how you let it happen? Are you confident that it wouldn't happen again? Can you convince your wife of this?

The Rook

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

it was a nice little rasp that I am not proud of. .

So why do you call it a "nice" little rasp?

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

she is being a bit of a softcock imo..

THis to me suggests that in a way you think that your actions were appropriate

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I stupidly said she will be getting a slap next in a humourous context. .

Nothing about domestic violence is funny ... you realise it was stupid but she is the threatened party so no she's not overreacting here either..

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Anyway she then tells me I'm a bad parent and left. .

In this case I would agree. (I'm not saying that you are in general, I know nothing about you at all only from what you've posted) ... the worst part of it for me is the fact that you don't understand HER reaction ....

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Can anyone tell me is she overreacting because at the minute I don't know what her deal is like. .

No, she's not overreacting, the way she sees it you hit the child, threatened to hit her and think that her reactions are unreasonable ... there's no overreaction here, save that of you hitting your child.

Orion

That you were drunk at the time is very relevant to this topic.

While she may be over-reacting slightly, backhanding your son after 14 pints of Stella would concern any mother. Telling her she's next is hardly going to ease those concerns especially when coming from someone that drunk.

The fact that you're quitting the booze as a result is a good thing. Sit down with her, apologise again and talk to her about it and maybe something good can come out of this.

Laisurg

Woa hold on now, if you were pissed drunk while it happened then thats a big problem, stay off the booze around your kids for good, it's a horrible thing for a kid to be around a parent that can't control themselves while drinking, how hard did you hit the kid? I would say stay off the drink for the forseeable future and try rebuild trust.

seamus

Whoah, hang on.

Why did you deliberately withhold the fact that you were drunk off your face at the time?

Yes, that's relevant, and with that in mind, no your wife didn't overreact. Think about it, drunken father comes home, slaps his child about. It's the story that underpins a billion painful childhoods. Overreacting and hitting the child while sober is one thing, you can catch yourself, and fix your behaviour.
But doing it when you're drunk means that the next time you get drunk you may do it again because you're incapable of catching yourself. You can beg and plead and apologise all you like when you're sober, but the next time you come home pissed, all bets are off again.

Your wife is clearly concerned about her child's safety around you. And possibly her own - if you're capable of hitting your child while drunk and then "jokingly" threatening her, then what's to stop you attacking her in future. You have a serious amount of work to do here rebuilding the trust of your child and your wife. Make a concerted effort to stay off or at least minimise the booze, especially when your children are around.
If you're going to be having skinful during the day, then arrange to crash elsewhere, don't arrive home drunk while your child is still up.

Morag

If the father of my kids came home stinking drunk and lashed out at either of my kids and then tried to tell me I was being over sensitive about it and then said I'd get one too,
I would be thinking about going to the garda myself and getting a safety order,
esp if him being that drunk was a regular occurrence in the family home.

In vino veritas.
Sounds like you need to cut down or out your drinking and have a look at your temper,
and how you treat your family.

MagicMarker

seamus wrote: »

Whoah, hang on.

Why did you deliberately withhold the fact that you were drunk off your face at the time?

Yes, that's relevant, and with that in mind, no your wife didn't overreact. Think about it, drunken father comes home, slaps his child about. It's the story that underpins a billion painful childhoods. Overreacting and hitting the child while sober is one thing, you can catch yourself, and fix your behaviour.
But doing it when you're drunk means that the next time you get drunk you may do it again because you're incapable of catching yourself. You can beg and plead and apologise all you like when you're sober, but the next time you come home pissed, all bets are off again.

Your wife is clearly concerned about her child's safety around you. And possibly her own - if you're capable of hitting your child while drunk and then "jokingly" threatening her, then what's to stop you attacking her in future. You have a serious amount of work to do here rebuilding the trust of your child and your wife. Make a concerted effort to stay off or at least minimise the booze, especially when your children are around.
If you're going to be having skinful during the day, then arrange to crash elsewhere, don't arrive home drunk while your child is still up.

+1000

I would have hoped coming home pissed and throwing a slap or two around was a thing of the past. It's a sign of utter scumbaggery. It's one thing giving a kid a disciplinary slap on the arse, it's another giving him a drunken ''back of the hand''.

In this case your wife is not overreacting one bit.

GreeBo

Beruthiel wrote: »

You slapped him out of anger.
In other words, you where not in control of your own feelings. You wouldn't have done it otherwise.

I dont think you can reliably infer that. I was slapped as a child and it wasnt because my mother was out of control with anger. It was because I was out of control and no amount of logical reasoning was going to get through to me.

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for people who think that a parent slapping a child does them no harm.
Do they think it's ok to hate your mother to the extent that you would be quite happy if she died? That you would dance on her grave if she did. That's the wonderful relationship I had with my mother up to my late twenties. She may have gotten me to toe the line, but she had no relationship with me whatsoever.

Again I think there is possibly some middle ground here. Are you really saying that the only reason you hated your mother was because she slapped you when you were bold? Clearly you can have a relationship with a child and still slap them, look around at the vast majority of 30 somethings.

The Rook

When did the OP say they were drunk? I can't see it anywhere.....

MagicMarker

The Rook wrote: »

When did the OP say they were drunk? I can't see it anywhere.....

Check his posting history, he started another thread.

The Rook

MagicMarker wrote: »

Check his posting history, he started another thread.

Thanks for that ...shocking....

dark crystal

Would you slap your wife if she stepped out of line too?

I honestly can't see how 'belting' a defensless child is any different to belting a woman.

Violence against those you supposedly love solves absolutely nothing, imo.

I remember being slapped a few times when I was younger and the memory of how it made me feel ensured I would never do it to my own. As far as I'm concerned, it's the actions of an angry, frustrated parent, nothing to do with teaching a child any valuable life lessons.

January

I was going to reply to this thread earlier on saying that your wife may have been over reacting by saying she was going to the Garda, but the fact that you were steaming drunk and threatened to hit her too would have had me calling the Garda too.

It's good that you're taking steps to fix this, by giving up the drink but I think you need to sit your wife and son down and apologize profusely for the way you acted. A chocolate bar won't fix it.

CrazyRabbit

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not trolling.. I think that it's perfectly fine to slap a kid and it's better to do so. It does no harm and gets the point across. Getting the woodon spoon by Mum or the slap on the face by Dad never did me a bit of harm and kept me more in line that reasoning would have.

I'm not saying a beating or anything... Jesus like, a wooden spoon to the bum or a slap is hardly abuse.

It did harm you. It made you think that it is normal and acceptable to physically assault another smaller/weaker person because they've done something you don't like.

As for the OP....shame on you. I think your wife should have called the Gardai. Seems you could do with a bit of shock to bring you back to your senses.