Hitting child, over-reaction

Snappy the Moose

If people hop off the bandwagon of abusing the "alcoholic abusive father" and actually read my posts they would get a proper account of what happened. Nit picking words here or there is taking things out of context.

I have to go to my boxing class now but I think I'm going to head into the guards on the way home to explain the situation. Thanks for the replies.

fatmammycat

It's hardly nitpicking, you said yourself you back handed your 8 year old son after 14 stellas, that's not nit-picking, those are your words, your actions.

GeorgeBailey

username123 wrote: »

Just to be clear - this is what was posted in the other thread:

"Long story short I came home langers yesterday and backhanded the youngfella so time for me to stay off the juice now imo. Might be irrelevant but it was after 14 Stella."

ok didn't realise op had that much to drink (he said somewhere else he was home at 7 so presumed it wasn't much). Certainly changes things and definitely not the sort of state you should be in to be interacting/disciplining kids.

fatmammycat

GeorgeBailey wrote: »

ok didn't realise op had that much to drink (he said somewhere else he was home at 7 so presumed it wasn't much). Certainly changes things and definitely not the sort of state you should be in to be interacting/disciplining kids.

Thank you GeorgeBailey. It does make a big difference.

meglome

How Strange wrote: »

Op, hitting or slapping a child is wrong. There are no justifications or times when it's acceptable. Hitting a child means you've lost control of the situation and resort to physicality to get your point across.

I'm not so convinced this is cut and dry. My father never hit us as such but on a small number of occasions when we'd gone very far over the line we'd get a slap on the back of the leg. It hasn't effected me in the slightest and I believe I might do the same myself, even though I'm completely against violence. I suppose I'm a pragmatist. Some of my close relatives would never hit their children and some of the kids are little asshóles. One was trying to repeatedly punch me in the balls. I punched him back lightly in the arm and he's never done it again. Other penalties didn't make him stop.

How Strange wrote: »

A child of 4 is perfectly capable of understanding why dragging an 8 month old baby by the legs is wrong if it's explained to him/her. Your child learned nothing except daddy hits him and then buys his chocolate.

Yet I've seen many kids who know their punishment will be easy to ignore so they don't care.

How Strange wrote: »

As for being drunk around children, well it really shows our disfunctional relationship with alcohol as a nation that you don't think it's inappropriate to drink that much and then go home to young children in the evening time when chances are they're acting up because they're tired and it's bedtime.

I've seen my father drunk on many occasions. Never had a problem with it and nothing bad ever happened. In fact you knew if was a great time to get extra money off him. We were well looked after drinking or not.

How Strange wrote: »

I'm actually going to mention this thread to my husband tonight so we're on the same page for the future. We agreed already we won't slap but I want him to know that I'd find it disgusting if he was that drunk in front of our children and if he raised his hand to them while drunk I'd lose all repect for him and consider leaving for the welfare of the children.

Personally I think you're overreacting. Though I do agree that hitting a child while drunk, however lightly, is a bad idea generally. The OP knows he went too far but I'm not seeing any great harm done. And really the wife threatening to go to the Guards when there's no history of this is way over the top.

The Valley

OP- Your wife is over-reacting. I don't want to seem like I'm trolling here but maybe she didn't like the fact you were out enjoying yourself. When you came home you done something out of character and she is using this to get to you.

I do think it was wrong to be drunk around your kids, you should have come home at 9pm while they were asleep.

I have young children and when they over step the mark, especially when they have no consideration for the safety of the other kids - a smack on the arse is the perfect solution.

And one medium slap after a few drinks does not show you have a problem with alcohol.

common sense brigade

Ok first thing here is to promise your Son, Your wife and yourself that this will never happen again. Explain to your son , you were wrong to hit him. He is 4 and obviously he thought he was playing with his sister. With a 4 year old misbehaving the best thing to do is tell him down on his level why exactly he has done wrong. remove him from the room if he persists till he calms down. Secondly you lost your cool, it was first time you ever did it , so time to forgive yourself too now. Your not an evil maniac father. we are none of us perfect.
I got smacked on the bum or hand (Not painfully) growing up and it did me no harm. But i dont want to raise my daughter that way I want to explain to her how to behave in life. But i am not looking down on you cos u smacked your lad on the bum. you did it. now make just move forward and try keep yourself calm. buy your wife some flowers and write her a sorry card. she is at the end of the day being a good mother. you should be happy she is so loving to your children and cherish her.

username123

username123 wrote: »

Didnt realise you were a moderator? Oh, youre not. If you have an issue with a post of mine you know where the report post button is.

I do know where it is.. But I wanted everyone to see. Thus the screenshot before you could potentially edit.

moomooman

I'm moved to reply to this thread for a few reasons, mostly the OPs flippant attitude to the whole thing and evasiveness (neglected to mention being drunk, lack of specifics of what you did).

"it was a nice little rasp", "backhanded", "lamped"

You certainly dont sound ashamed of yourself. I'm sure after 14 pints (bottles?) of wifebeater it seemed like nothing to you, you'd have us believe you were backed into a corner by a four year old and had no choice? So you bought him a bar and all is well with the kid...

I remember getting hit and then being bribed into getting over it, I never refused treats or toys, what kid would, but I never forgot or forgave.

edit:
I see your a boxer too, then its even worse to lose control.

Orion

username123 wrote: »

Didnt realise you were a moderator? Oh, youre not. If you have an issue with a post of mine you know where the report post button is.

Try using it yourself too.

Cat Melodeon

GeorgeBailey wrote: »

He's already said he regretted what he did and also that his reaction could easily have been the same if he hadn't been drinking. As for reining in his drinking like he said it's the first time he was drinking since Christmas.

He seems to regret that his wife is giving him a hard time. He doesn't seem to think that his actions were wrong though, or that her reaction is justified.

OP, I'm not suggesting you are an alcoholic, but I hope you can see that if you have drink down you are not fit to be in charge of a child. The way I see it, if you're not sober enough to drive a car, you're not sober enough to handle kids. It doesn't matter if you only get drunk once a year, you can't be around kids when you've drink down if your behaviour becomes aggressive.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

He is 4 and was dragging his 8 month old sister by the legs around the room while she was being changed. Now sometimes we play together like this and roll her on the couch etc but I told him not too as it wasn't safe.

Your 4-year old was playing a game with his sister that you had played with him before. How is he to know that it's okay to play the game sometimes and not others? He is 4, he doesn't appreciate what is dangerous and what can hurt. You are an adult, you are supposed to be able to see risk and act appropriately. Belting your son when he is messing is not appropriate. It's not like he was hitting his sister or screaming his head off for no reason, he was playing a game he had played with her and you before.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

...(Although I know I shouldn't have hit him).

I was drunk and maybe I wouldn't have hit him if I was sober but it still doesn't defer from the fact it was disciplinary, it wasn't as if he was watching cartoons and I started smacking him or smashing up the place for no reason. It might sound ironic but it was for safety purposes.

So it was wrong, but really it was okay because it was discipline, and it would've been wrong if you were sober, but it was really okay because you were drunk and in any case, it was for his own good?

You really need to examine your feelings around this, you are continuing to justify something you declare to be wrong but clearly secretly feel is okay. If you are at odds with how your wife feels about slapping and discipline, expect many many more arguments to come. Your family is young and the conflict will get worse if you don't learn how to handle yourself now.

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

My wife is looking at it from the context that I was abusive for no reason and is failing to acknowledge the disciplinary context of the situation.

You are failing to acknowledge that you cannot enforce discipline on a child when your own judgement has been impaired by alcohol. Your wife is completely justified in her feelings - drunk husband overreacts to small child messing about and belts him. There is NO disciplinary context here - you were drunk, you were wrong to hit the kid. You've admitted that you don't know how hard you hit him, surely you can admit that hitting him at all when you were in that condition was wrong (and a complete overreaction to what he was doing)?

careca11

careca11 wrote: »

the OP was right ,
when kids cross the line ...a smack on the hand or the behind is the right way to go (thats my opinion)
and if my son ever steps over the line he will be duly notified, nothing too hard , but just hard enough to remind them that there are certina things they cannot be doing,

there is no point telling off a child , because the worst word you can say to a child is "DON'T"


all this no smacking etc ................no wonder kids run a muck these days

at school ....who's in charge ( I can tell you it ain't the teachers thats for sure)

sorry i hadn't realised the OP's incident happened while drunk,
if under the influence then you should be out of site of the kids really (imo)

Once I found out my wife was pregnant I all but gave up the drink(not that I drank much really not even a once a month man) and never ever drank in the house not even a glass of wine ....i'd much prefer a cup of tea , if I want a drink i'll go to the pub,
but it was the fear of doing something stupid while drunk or having to get up on a sunday morning with a hangover having to look after him ,
so now a sunday morning up at 7.30am listening to him chit chat , laugh etc ................................its just so pleasurable.

Drink has no place in a home where kids are

username123

moomooman wrote: »

I see your a boxer too, then its even worse to lose control.

I agree with this, the OP could easily have hit the child harder than he thought he did. As a boxer he is trained how to hit, and hard.

Another question I have for the OP is - do you really remember the events? You said you were langers - do you remember the situation itself or the fallout from it? Its quite possible with ones memory impaired by alcohol that you did react in a worse manner than you think you did.

Miaireland

I am making a couple of assumptions in this post so I am sorry if they are wrong.

I am assuming that you were changing your daughter at the time of the incident - should you have been handling a child of 8 months after 14 beers?

Your child is getting mixed signals from you at sometimes he is being told it is dangerous to play with his sister and then other times it is ok to roll her on the couch. In fairness he is four.

Is your four year old so out of control that by saying "stop that now" in a loud voice would not have worked. I find that hard to believe.

After 14 pints to you honestly remember the whole incident the way it happened or are you remembering it in a way that makes you feel better.

I am also confused how a four year old was able to grab a child from you and bounce her on the floor. (Again assuming you were changing her) Did you leave an 8 month old child on her own in the middle of changing her? Where was she? On the floor, on the couch?

You don't know how hard you hit your son? Did you check if he was red, bruised etc? Did it even cross your mind to check he was ok or were you just worried about him liking you again?

Why do you think that because you gave you son a bar that all is fine with him?

You seem to have a very flippant attitude to hitting your child? Lamping the child, back hander etc To be honest I find the use of these terms very concerning even before thinging that it is funny to say to your wife that she would be next for a slap. Maybe you wife may have thought you were joking (or quite likely felt threated by you enough to humour you by agreeing that you are joking).

Firstly if you are sorry about what happened you should print off this thread and show it to your wife.

Secondly you should go to the Gardai.

You should also look into parenting classes - I am sure if you contact your local Family Resource Centre thay run them.

Make sure this never happeneds again. Your son does not deserve to feeling sick to the pit of his stomach everytime Daddy comes home from being out with his friends.

Sorry about the repeat of some points.

Miaireland

Also I hope that you tell the whole truth to the Gardai and not just go on about your wife. Also have you ever being involved in a fight in a pub/work etc?

Ayla

OP - I understand the fear we as parents see when we think something bad can happen to our kids, and I understand how that fear can sometimes cause us to snap...I once screamed about 6" from my 3.5 yr old's face when she encouraged the 12 month old to stand up on the couch.

As others have said, what's concerning is your complete lack of disregard for the situation you put your family in. You came home from the pub, saw your 4 yr old dragging the baby around and you snapped. That alone is understandable, but the fact then that you (1) smacked your child, (2) got into a fight w/ your wife & made her so upset that she left & threatened to call the guardi, (3) "joked" about hitting your wife next (although, for the love of god, I can't figure out why anyone would ever think it's ok to *ever* joke about such things...I would never forgive my husband if he ever did it), and (4) "patched" things up with your son by buying him chocolate...well, I think you have some serious thinking to do.

If your wife reacted the way she did, I would guess there's something more going on. If this really was a once-off, there's something else in her history or in your relationship that needs addressing.

Snappy the Moose

username123 wrote: »

I agree with this, the OP could easily have hit the child harder than he thought he did. As a boxer he is trained how to hit, and hard.

Another question I have for the OP is - do you really remember the events? You said you were langers - do you remember the situation itself or the fallout from it? Its quite possible with ones memory impaired by alcohol that you did react in a worse manner than you think you did.

Well I didn't set him up with the jab and drop him with a right hook if that is what you are implying.

My wife has told me what happened and it is the same as what I remembered.

I have said numerous times I was wrong and regretful, the amount of people who have said I have failed to acknowledge my actions is ridiculous. Don't post if you haven't read all of what have said.

I went into the guards, after questioning whether I was serious or not she rooted out some leaflet about parenting. Looks like I have a future court case and frequent calls from social services on the cards.

Ayla

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

I have said numerous times I was wrong and regretful, the amount of people who have said I have failed to acknowledge my actions is ridiculous. Don't post if you haven't read all of what have said.

I went into the guards, after questioning whether I was serious or not she rooted out some leaflet about parenting. Looks like I have a future court case and frequent calls from social services on the cards.

You may regret what you did, but the whole premise of this thread was b/c you still thought your wife over-reacted. That, to me, does not imply that you're taking this seriously enough. You give off the impression that you had some drinks, came home, made a mistake & should be let off the hook (b/c, hey, we're all human & your son has forgiven you via a sugar rush).

Glad you went to guardi on your own will, though, and I'm even more glad that there will be consequences. Hopefully you'll learn your lesson before it's too late.

spinandscribble

Snappy the Moose wrote: »

Well I didn't set him up with the jab and drop him with a right hook if that is what you are implying.

My wife has told me what happened and it is the same as what I remembered.

I have said numerous times I was wrong and regretful, the amount of people who have said I have failed to acknowledge my actions is ridiculous. Don't post if you haven't read all of what have said.

I went into the guards, after questioning whether I was serious or not she rooted out some leaflet about parenting. Looks like I have a future court case and frequent calls from social services on the cards.

I'm delighted this is being taken seriously by the gardai/services, can I ask did you go because you knew you should or before your wife could?

I think for most people (i'd know well with kids, my own parents, my self) they'd be holed up somewhere polluted with guilt if they were in your shoes, not questioning your wife's valid reaction... thats probably why people see your reaction as lacking.

Everyone makes mistakes, its how you handle them that counts. go forward, do what is required and remember it.

How Strange

Did I miss something? You said your wife threatened to go to the gardai. Why did you go? Why is there a court case? For slapping your child? I'm totally confused now.

MagicMarker

I'm having a hard time believing the OP went to the guards tbh.

Orion

I have concerns about this thread at this stage. I cannot see why there would be a court case if it was a slap on the backside. However other terms used such as lamping, backhanded, etc imply something more. I'm locking this thread temporarily.

Snappy - if you wish to add to the thread while it's locked pm me.