Need to let it out!

MooMoo100

I just need to vent a little, as I am tired and confused and don't know what to do. I have a two year old son who has never slept through the night. He always went to bed without a problem but woke during the night and foolish first time parents that we were we brought him into bed with us so we could all finish our night's sleep together. A few months ago he developed a sinus infection and it flared his eczema quite badly, he then started refusing to go to bed in his own bed, and would only settle in ours. Its been months now and although his eczema is slightly better its still not gone. I keep trying to get him to bed in his own bed but a couple of hours later we just fall into the big bed frustrated, exhausted and get a crap nights sleep. Or else I am just too tired to bother to try and he either falls asleep on our couch at some late hour or i give my evenings in the big bed trying to get him to sleep. I am nearly six months pregnant and am basically a walking zombie. I have no free time in the evenings and every waking and sleeping moment is spent with him beside me. I have not had a conversation with my partner for weeks, the house is a mess, more of our meals are coming from boxes or packets, and the sense of guilt at being a bad mother is overwhelming. He is currently watching tv just so I can take some time to myself. Feeling swamped!!

dark crystal

Oh, you poor thing. I really feel for you.

My son used to wake a few times during the night, every night and eventually we started relenting and bringing him into bed with us - big mistake!

We started putting him to sleep on our laps in the living room, with a bottle and then bringing him up to his bed after he fell asleep.

From there, I started bringing him up to bed and lying with him until he fell asleep, no matter how long it took!

Eventually, he got used to sleeping in his own bed and goes no bother now. He'll still wake up the odd night, but myself or my partner will go in and soothe him or lie with him until he goes back asleep...we try never to bring him in with us (we relented a month ago, when he was sick).

It's a slow process, but if you stick with a routine like that, he may start to settle in his own bed for you a bit better.

Please don't feel like a bad parent - my house resembles somethng out of 'How Clean Is Your House' sometimes, but you can't do everything perfectly; especially when you're dog tired.

Best of luck to you

2SWEET

I feel your pain as i'm sure most mothers on here do too, my 3rd child is just gone 20 months and while he goes to go bed on his own most night and will sleep till morning, there is nights (and it's always 4 or 5 in a row) where we feel like sitting him in the tree in the garden:D He can fight sleep till 10.30 or 11.00 and will either run rings around us or scream the house down. When he finally goes to sleep we are sure to see him beside our bed at 3 or 4 in the morning and sometimes purely out of tiredness we will give in and take him in with us,mostly though we settle him back to his own bed only to be up again at 6, he will sleep till 7.30 when he sleep all night! Is so hard to keep on top of housework when your so tired, but something has to give, like Dark Crystal said we can't do everything prefectly!
Just keep trying to get him in a routine and one of theses night he will suprise you and you'll wake up fresh as a daisy:)
Have you or your partner tired taking turns sleeping in another room as least that way one of you get a full night sleep.

Clearlier

That sounds really, really hard. We're going through similarish problems with our near 10 month old. Our first one didn't sleep through until 14 months and a few months in we realised that we were making similar mistakes with our second. We changed what we did and were just about getting him through the night. Unfortunately he then had a series of colds which triggered what the doctor called a viral induced wheeze (seems likely that he'll have asthma) and which got progressively worse. It made it very difficult for him to sleep (until we got an inhaler) which left both him and us distressed and exhausted. We coped whatever way we could until he got over it and tried to go back to putting him down but of course he was now out of his routine. Our exhaustion though meant that we didn't really spot what was going on. Over the past few days we've reintroduced a very strict routine and thankfully he's already beginning to sleep better at lunchtime and at night. There's a bit to go yet but we're seeing a little light which is a great relief.

That's a story, here's an attempt at a little advice and bear in mind that I'm a Dad and not a Mum so to pander to a stereotype probably have a more direct style of writing that most contributors here.

If you can take the advice of 2Sweet to have one of you sleep in a separate room then do because if you're anything like us you won't be thinking at all clearly at the moment.

You said that he used to go down in his own bed so clearly you had a routine that worked. He's obviously got a taste for his Mum and Dad's bed (which if you like it is perfectly fine but you clearly don't and it doesn't work for us either) so you're going to have to make it clear to him that Mum and Dad's bed isn't an option any more. That'll probably involve a lot of crying, a few tantrum's etc. but so long as you're consistent and never ever let him go to sleep in your bed he'll adjust within a few weeks and start improving within a few days. You can and should talk to him but it will be your actions that put across your message most clearly. You may initially need to sleep in the same room as him but only do that if you have to because it'll be another expectation you'll have to remove.

Sticking to the same routine night in night out is the other key to success. Tea/Bath/Story/music/whatever needs to be at the same time every night almost to the minute so that he knows and expects what's coming next.

Good luck!

MooMoo100

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words, unfortunately things have not improved. His eczema has gotten much worse again which means no proper sleep at night for him or us. It means all routine is gone out the window and I am basically letting him sleep whenever and wherever now. My problems have now shifted from sleep to skin....ah well....some day I'll have a life back...some day......

Mary28

Oily fish seems to have currently sorted my two sons eczema btw. Mackerel & salmon in the last 2 weeks about 4 times a week between the two fish and their skin has almost cleared. It comes and goes though but I definitely think fish helps with my sons, I know everyone is different, I know it's not a miracle cure.

Sleep wise, you need to be tough. It's so hard when you are exhausted and it happens at night when you are so tired you just want to do anything to get back to sleep but you need to steel yourself for a few days or more of tough love. He has gotten used to sleeping in your beds and the comfort he gets there but there's nothing wrong with him. There's also nothing wrong with letting him cry for as long has he needs to cry until he goes to sleep in his own bed. I hope this doesn't sound really harsh. If there is something wrong with my children then I will not let them cry without comfort. I will check them and if there's nothing wrong then I let them at it till they fall asleep. They very rarely do this because they have been "trained" to know what happens when they go to bed, the light goes off and they fall asleep. My 9mth old sometimes wakes and cries at 5 or 6 but I leave him at it and he always falls back asleep within 5 or so mins cos he knows no one is coming and there really is nothing wrong him he's just chancing his arm.

Look I know this is easier said than done. I know lots of mums who can't listen to their children cry but these are the mums who never got their children to nap during the day and still have them in their rooms and have night wakings.
Decide how long you are going to let him cry. Time it & stick to it. If he comes into your room put him back into his and if necessary I'd sit outside on a chair and keep putting him back in. You might have a couple of very bad nights but it would be worth it if it sorted it out. A colleague had to do this but he said by night 3 his daughter knew that he was outside her door and would put her back into bed if she left her room.

I had broken sleep this yr until I put my 2nd son (then 5mths old) into his own room. I kept getting sick, coldsores and I was horrible to be around for both my children and I was just miserable. Don't let yourself get run into the ground with lack of sleep, you'll be no good to anyone.

Apologies for rambling post, past my own bedtime!

Best of luck.