Trying to get my life back.....

LegacyUser

I seem to be getting through my life day by day, and it's begining to worry me. I have a young child and I've devoted the past few years to her and have lost myself somewhere along the way. She's at an age where shes getting a bit independent (11) and I'm noticing more and more that I have no real life for myself. I know this happens to women like me, particularly when they are on their own with children. I didn't really notice this so much in the first few years, as they were filled with school, creche, parties, sleepovers and the like. She has a core group of girlfriends now and does her own thing with them - she seldom needs me to do stuff for her anymore, except for lifts here and there. Im in my 40s and single, and Im getting worried that my life is over....I don't even know where to start trying to get some sort of life for myself again - my friends are all in relationships, and have children of similar ages, but they are enjoying this part of their life, because they are getting more and more time to spend with their partners. I'm also in a job I hate, working with just 4 other women who also hate their job.
I don't want a boyfriend persay - if Im honest, I doubt any man would be attacted to me as I've quite let myself go over the years. I used to be a right dolly-bird - never went outside the door without my make up and jewellery on. Had a lovely figure. Now, I just feel old and frumpy and like my life is nearly over - like my job is done now that she's almost raised...where do I begin????

Moonbeam

You need a hobby!
What do you like to do?
Do you have god baby sitters nearby?

LegacyUser

Thank you for the reply. Unfortunately I don't have babysitters handy - this has been one of the main reasons Ive had such a bad social life over the years. I work full time but have a large mortgage and still pay a minder for her, for after school. She is still too young to leave at home alone in the evenings and money is scarce for babysitters.

Wantobe

Your post is very honest and you sound like an articulate and intelligent person. Although I'm married, I can identify with your story to a certain extent- it's difficult to maintain a social life with children and I can't even imagine what it would be like if I were a single mom. We all feel old and frumpy sometimes, but a bit of pampering, a new top and some make-up can temporarily cure that!;) A bit more longterm solutions involve being a bit more selfish and carving out time for yourself to start going to the gym, start running or whatever works for you.

You sound like you've put your childs' needs before your own and that's admirable but it is now time for you- be a bit more selfish, join a class, start running- take one small step. That will lead on to more.

Life can change in your forties for the better- imagine yourself in your fifties looking back- what would you tell yourself to do? Keep the status quo or go for it?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words and that's a very good way at looking at this problem. I know that if I was early 50s now I'd look back thinking I should have gotten up off my backside and gotten our more - gone to the ends of the earth to get a babysitter, joined a club, started exercising and gotten a life for myself.
I obvioulsy have put my childs needs before mine over the past 11 years - but that wasn't really a conscious choice - I'm all she has. Her father was never involved, I don't have family myself etc. I have great friends however, and they have become her 'aunts & uncles' over the years..but I was always acutely aware that her rearing was 100% down to me, and me alone. I guess the burden of that responsibility meant that I have completely forgotten myself...I genuinely don't know where to begin with this process though.

cynder

she is 11 surly she can be left home alone for an hour while you go to gym or an aerobics class or something (hobby?).

My lady is 11 and i leave her on her own for an hour here or there (not very often maybe once a week) we do live in a large estate with plenty of neighbours and friends.

The older she gets the more you can leave her on her own, they fend for themselves at school and when they go out to play, your not abandoning her by nipping out for an hour.

look at it this way your preparing her for independence,
leave her for 1 hour on her own at 11, (once a week)
2 hours on her own at 12, (once a week)
3 hours on her own at 13, (once a week)
4 hours on her own at 14, (could even jump to twice a week)
5 hours on her on at 15, (twice a week or more)
6 hours on her own at 16 (hey you can you whatever you want, when she is 16 she should be well capable of looking after herself)


(i left home at 16 and lived on my own with rent and electric to pay as well as holding down a full time job)

LegacyUser

there is nothing near me - I have checked out a few courses, but it would mean leaving her on her own for 2 hours in the evening. She is only just gone 11 (May) so is still too young to be left alone for that lenght - particularly from 7 - 9pm (school night also)...

I have tried to get out of the house more, but it always ends being just too much hassle to get her minded -particularly on a school night - with someone who I don't have to pay (a friend for example) -
I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for everything, but as much as I want to kick-start my life again, I can't get out of the house to do it just at the moment...
What do other people do when they're in my situation?
Surely there are other women who find themselves older, frumpier and still have young-ish kids....

I even have a bad back which is really annoying me lately - I've had xrays and so on, but only have muscle damage and require physio. Im on a waiting list for a public appointment (as I can't afford to go to a physio privately) and it's really debilitating me....

Sleepy

Lots of exercise you can do with a bad back. Something like swimming would probably even be good for it (and you could take your little one, sure she'd love a weekly trip some evening after school). Shouldn't stop you from nightly walks either (which you could time to make sure you're not leaving her at home for more than 45 minutes / an hour. Diet can also be addressed at home by cooking big batches of healthy food that you can freeze into handy portions so you can just throw it in the microwave when you get home from work etc. A few months of healthy eating and regular exercise and you'll not feel so "frumpy"

The social side is a little harder to solve without a babysitter... not an ideal suggestion but could you pick up some casual bar work? It'd get you out of the house in a social setting and earning something to pay for the babysitter and the occasional treat?

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

there is nothing near me - I have checked out a few courses, but it would mean leaving her on her own for 2 hours in the evening. She is only just gone 11 (May) so is still too young to be left alone for that lenght - particularly from 7 - 9pm (school night also)...

I have tried to get out of the house more, but it always ends being just too much hassle to get her minded -particularly on a school night - with someone who I don't have to pay (a friend for example) -
I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for everything, but as much as I want to kick-start my life again, I can't get out of the house to do it just at the moment...
What do other people do when they're in my situation?
Surely there are other women who find themselves older, frumpier and still have young-ish kids....

I even have a bad back which is really annoying me lately - I've had xrays and so on, but only have muscle damage and require physio. Im on a waiting list for a public appointment (as I can't afford to go to a physio privately) and it's really debilitating me....

I agree that 2hrs on her own would be too much, I dont think your making excuses your daughter is still dependant on you, you work full time and are too limited by money to avail of childminders. My advice would be to start with baby steps dont feel as yet you should be out joining gyms, courses having regular nights out, instead grab opportunities when they are presented. By that I mean if your daughter suddenly announces she is invited to a friends or whatever dont spend that free time doing boring mundane chores make the most of that time spend it doing something you enjoy, even if it was to just read a book or have a long relaxing bath paint your nails, whatever as long as you are relaxed and enjoying yourself.
The physio will really help with your back its hard to believe it can work but trust me it does, make sure you do all the exercises they reccommend and you will see a big difference in a couple of weeks. Is there anyway you could afford even one private session because at least then you would be given some exercises that would help you manage until you were seen publicly?

LegacyUser

Actually, I've had 2 private physio sessions - one of which seemed to be a verbal assessment (despite the fact that I had my xray and scan results with me, proving that there was no bone or disc damage) and the second one was more of a 'let's see how nimble you are before we put your programme together' type session! They cost 75euro each and I found it very frustrating that I didn't get any type of excercises from him, that I could practice on my own. So I went back to my gp to get on the public waiting list.

That's good advice though - about taking baby-steps. When she goes out unexpectedly (she had a sleepver on saturday for example), I tend to get stuck in and do some housework feeling much 'free-er' because she's not in the house and I have no other demands on me....perhaps next time, I'll have a nice bath or something...are there books I could read about issues like this?

Ayla

Even better, though, if you suddenly have some "time off" how about using that evening/night to go out? Go for a walk, bring a book to a coffee shop, have a pint with a friend, go to a performance. Anything you enjoy, but out of the house. Forget the chores, they'll be there another time!

You'll have a hard time feeling less frumpy (and I'm sure you aren't as bad as you think you are) if you don't make an occasion (no matter how trivial) to spend time on yourself.

You may feel like a right git getting all dolled up (or at least out of the tracksuit) to spend a night away from the house, but if you find something you enjoy, maybe you'll do it a second time...

Oh, and get a different job. Nothing worse for morale then hating the job you force yourself through & the collegues you force yourself to spend 9-5 with.

LegacyUser

I am actively looking for another job - I'm here 6 years now and have hated it from day one. However, I bought my house just before I got this job, and my daughter was much younger so it was 'easy' for me to stick here, than try to move. Im in an environment where we moan all day about the office (some more than others!) - I try to stay positive and remind myself that this job is paying my mortgage and giving my daughter her occassional treats - and that I'm working to show her how important work actually is....

I like the idea of getting out of the house! I must say I do love my home though - I have struggled for every single part of it..going without so much to get new floors in and so on..scrimping and saving every last penny to buy a new shower last year...

I also love the idea of working in a bar! I worked in a few bars back in the day (in my early 20s) and they were just the best times of my life! I am way too old to work in a bar now though - seems to be hip and trendy young people behind the bar nowadays...

Ok, maybe I'm not as 'frumpy' as ive first said I am, although I did feel crap when I put up my first post...I actually put some make up on going out today! I haven't done that in quite a while...previous jobs had men in them and I was always dolled up lol! Nowadays I think what;s the point - just to sit in a room full of women moaning...it almost feels like a waste of lipstick! But I certainly felt better out and about this morning...with the make up on.

Ayla

I completely understand house pride (says me who's sitting here looking at a 10 yr old tapestry hanging over the place where an external door *should be*). But that won't get you out meeting people, expanding your horizons or "getting on with life."

But good for you, making an effort to feel good today. However that happens for you, then do it. It's the little things that make a big difference!

Sleepy

unregistered wrote: »

I also love the idea of working in a bar! I worked in a few bars back in the day (in my early 20s) and they were just the best times of my life! I am way too old to work in a bar now though - seems to be hip and trendy young people behind the bar nowadays...

I've been doing some casual bar work in the local tennis club lately, best description would be that I'm the "backup" guy and I've been loving it. I'm certainly not hip, trendy or young at this stage.

Maybe look to your local GAA club bar or something like that? Most bar managers would love to have a reliable and experienced barmaid they could call on every now and then and club bars are going to have an older clientèle and you never know who you could meet, us Irish men do love a woman that pours a good Guinness

Penny Dreadful

As it can be difficult to get out of the house given where you live and the babysitter issue what about inviting people over to your house? You could start a pot luck dinner type routine with your friends where everyone brings one ingredient to the house and then dinner is made somehow! It can be a fun evening. Kids could be brought to something like that too if your friends had childcare issues. A book club is another way to do something like that too.

ash23

I'm single with an 8 year old and same thing, plenty of friends but all are busy with their own kids and lives.

I do things like take my daughter out for dinner or to the cinema. We take day trips in the car. If I want to go out I drive to my parents or my sisters (either an hour each way or two hours each way) and they'll mind her for the night and I collect her the next day.
I arrange days out with friends and we bring the kids. I get to chat to the adults while the kids play.

I don't mind sitting in most evenings once I've been out at some stage during the day. My co-workers are very unsociable so no joy there but between family and friends and my little one, I have a reasonably good social life. It might not be the same as other 28 year olds but it is what it is.