Miscarriage and an unplanned pregnancy.

LegacyUser

I read somewhere that it would help to write about my experience of miscarraige,so here it goes.

I broke up with my boyfriend of five months when I discovered he was texting other women. Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I rang the Well Woman Clinic and asked what to do. They arranged councelling for me asap. It was a Friday and they gave me an appointment on the Monday. I sent a text to my ex telling him I needed to talk to him. He rang me back. I asked could we meet. He hummed and hawed and said maybe, but he was really tired, and not in the mood for an argument. I told him I wasn't looking for an argument, I just really needed to see him. He picked me up and hour later and we went to a pub. We chatted amicably in the car about the last two weeks and what we'd been up to. When we got to the bar, he ordered a glass of wine for me as always, and as soon as he sat down I told him. I was very sure of the dates because I am very regular. I was six weeks pregnant at that stage. That was my last glass of wine. He was good at first. He stayed with me that night. It felt good to hold his hand. He stayed in touch with me all weekend. He congratulated me.

On Monday I went to the councellor. I had never been to a councellor before. I was terrified. My boyfriend and I had discussed our situation. I have a good job with a reasonable income, but I'm renting shared accommodation. I can't afford anything on my own. He is unemployed. He lives with his mother. We only knew each other five months. Our relationship wasn't great. It was the second time I had discovered him cheating as such. The first time I had given him the benefit of the doubt. Pregnancy was really really scary. We both felt we weren't ready. I went to the councellor with the intention of getting information about abortion....but as I walked through town, a group of young kids came towards me and almost bumped into me. I instinctively put my hand to my tummy to protect the baby. I was shocked that I felt the need to do this when I was going to discuss abortion.

I gave the councellor all the reasons why I should have an abortion telling the councellor that I will be alright with abortion because
-I'm not ready
-My partner's not ready
- We had broken up
- I can't afford a baby
- I can't give the baby the life I would like it to have
- It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world when circumstances are already so messed up.

The councillor pointed out to me that I was already trying to justify the abortion but she didn't really feel I was ready to make the decision. She felt I was making the decision to keep everyone else happy but I hadn't really talked about how I felt being pregnant. She asked me did I want to be a mother. She gave me the information about abortion and made another appointment with me for two weeks later. She advised me to wait until then to make a decision.

The next day my boyfriend went 'missing'. I didn't hear from him. I began to realise that I would more than likely become a single mother if I continued with the pregnancy. I was really scared but at the same time I was excited and felt very blessed that this had happened to me. I felt like this was my chance to be a mother. I'm 36. Over the next week my mind kept changing. One hour I felt like I'd lost all control of my life and I just wanted to get rid of the problem and get my life back to where it was. I was back with my boyfriend but I felt this was all wrong. I didn't trust him and it could never work out. I felt I'd have to stay with him for the baby, but I'd be unhappy with him, until he cheated on me again, and broke my heart when I was six months pregnant or more. At the same time, I'm sure he felt very trapped as well. At other times, I was really excited about planning for the baby. Working out when I'd take maternity leave. It would have been born in December. I thought this was wonderful. It would be the best Christmas gift. I knew in my heart that once the baby was born everything would work out. A friend told people she was pregnant. She was a week behind me. I never told her I was pregnant. I needed to tell my parents and I was dreading it.

I never looked at the envelope with the abortion information. I couldn't. I didn't want to. My heart was already holding dreams for the baby. My new life. By the time I went back to the councillor I knew for definite that I was making the right decision, for me, by keeping the baby. My boyfriend came to the councillor with me. It was wonderful. He got to hear my fears. She helped him understand how lost and alone I felt. I heard him talk about his fears. We were very close leaving that appointment.

I went to the doctor that week and registered with the maternity hospital. I really was getting very excited but I was still dreading telling my parents. They had not met my boyfriend nor had his family met me. It was all very stressful wondering how on earth was I going to introduce him and announce I was pregnant! I was eight weeks gone at this stage.

We were getting on great and taking about the future and how we would manage everything. Three weeks ago, I felt he was getting distant again. I then discovered he had been in contact with other women again. This time he had a picture and a profile on a dating website. It had been set up very recently (while I was pregnant). I called him and read him the riot act. He told me again that he wasn't ready for the baby.When I went to the toilet I found a clot. I rang the doctor and the maternity hospital. They both were very reassuring but told me to come in for a scan. I tried ringing my boyfriend five or six times. He wouldn't answer. My friend brought me in to the hospital. Eventually my boyfriend rang me back and came in. I was disgusted with him and extremely hurt. We both went in to get the scan. We could see a baby. We saw the head and the body. It made it all very real. I was 10 weeks at that stage. Then the doctor gave us the awful news that the baby only measured eight weeks and that she couldn't hear a heartbeat. I will never forget that moment. I gasped and started crying. I couldn't look at my boyfriend. I wasn't angry with him but I felt I had been fighting for the baby on my own. The poor little thing couldn't survive all the stress. I didn't blame myself or wonder what had I done wrong. I'd done my best given some very uncertain circumstances. The doctor left us on our own, but we didn't talk, he touched my foot at the end of the bed and told me it wasn't my fault. I could say nothing. The doctor told me I'd need another scan the following day. I thought why do I have to go through all of this again. I rang work crying not sure what was going to happen next.

We got some food together on the way home. I don't know what we talked about. He stayed with me that night. I went back in the next day to get an internal scan. The miscarraige was confirmed. We got to see the baby again and I got a printout page with the scan on it (something I am so glad I have today). They told me to come in the following day for a d&c. I bought a necklace in memory of my baby.

My boyfriend was going to a careers fair that afternoon. I went with him because I didn't want to be alone. I began to feel very bad cramps on the way in the car. I could feel very heavy bleeding. I ran to a toilet as soon as we got to the shopping centre beside where the career fair was on. I lost a lot of blood and clots in the shopping centre. I found my boyfriend and we went to get something to eat. I was still bleeding very heavily and lost a lot more blood and clots in the restaurant toilet. We left the restaurant and drove home. I was bleeding so heavily I stained my boyfriend's car. I changed pads about seven times in one hour. I rang the hospital again and they told me it was normal. We stopped at a shop near my house. I couldn't get back into the car because if I opened my legs something would fall out. I took tiny steps holding my legs together all the way home. I bled for another few hours but it eased up that night. By the time I got into hospital i wasn't really bleeding anymore. I asked for another scan, in the hope that I had passed everything, and I wouldn't need a d&c. I was a in a lot of pain with cramps though. On my third scan, there was no baby present. I couldn't look at the screen. I wanted to remember the peaceful image of my baby on the scan from the previous two days.

THey told me there was still tissue and they advised me to go ahead and get the d&c. My other option was to take a pill and go home. This pill makes your uterus contract so that you miscarry the rest of the tissue at home naturally. I was still very traumatised by the day before and passing all the clots so i choose the d&c. There was nothing more my boyfriend could do so I told him he could go. As he left I got very distressed. I started crying and told him I missed my parents. It killed me that I was going through all of this and my parents were oblivious. But at the same time I didn't want them to find out I'd been pregnant like this. I still haven't told them and that's very hard.

I was very distressed again going in for the d&c. I really wanted my parents again. I was terrified something would happen and this is how they would find out everything. In the end, the d&c was the best thing to do. When I woke up I was very relieved. Physically everything was over.

That was all two weeks ago. I'm still with my boyfriend, but barely. He has been great since the miscarraige but I don't think it's a good thing for me to stay with somebody who was so deceitful and disloyal. It upsets me that the whole relationship issues might be taking over my grief. I'm terrified that if I do break up with him, I'll actually have to start grieving properly. I was obviously very upset for the first week. I went back to work and i've been distracted. I attempted to look at apartments to move out on my own this weekend, but realised that I don't have to anymore because I've no baby. I've decided to stay where I am in shared accomodation but I just spent two days manically cleaning everything. I started running last week. (not very far!) I was doing really well. But today was a really bad day for me emotionally. I met the friend who is due three days after my due date. It made me feel really sad.

I met another friend who I hadn't met in a while today. She cried for my baby when I told her about the miscarraige. It made it all feel really real again. I cried whenever I was on my own today after that. I really miss my baby and the dreams and plans I had for it, more so than yesterday. I ignored my boyfriend for most of the day. I think he is relieved that I miscarried (as I am too at times to be honest). I don't blame him for feeling that way, nor am I angry with him for it. I just feel he doesn't understand the loss at the same level as I do so I can't keep talking to him about it. He's angry with me right now for ignoring him. I know because I rang him later and he never rang me back. I feel very sad because I know this relationship is not working out and I will lose that connection with the baby.

I feel very alone but I believe that the baby is stronger than me right now and is looking after me. I hope the baby helps me make the right decisions in life, as he or she did while I was carrying it. I can't wait to hold the baby when eventually that day comes.

I'm afraid to talk to people about this because i know some people firstly, don't believe in heaven and the spiritual aspect to death that I believe in, and secondly, some people would not see the baby as a baby.

I am so grateful that I went to hospital on the Wednesday night and got to see my baby 'asleep' in my womb. The baby measured eight weeks 1 day. I was scanned on Wednesday night, I was ten and a half weeks. I really believe the baby waited over two weeks like that, so that I would see it. The day after that scan I miscarried and the baby was gone.

I feel so sad that I can't be called a mother and yet I believe I am.

I came across this poem and it was comforting

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one






-

Neyite

My deepest condolences on your loss - I have not had the loss you have had, but I have been trying for a baby for 2 years now, and there are many on the trying to concieve forum who have suffered the way you have here. When it comes to potential motherhood, even if we actively want our child so badly, there is still a little part of us that will freak out a little when we get that positive pee-stick. I know I would probably scream down the walls with happiness then the next minute have a "f**k, this is really real" moment of doubt.

Right now, you are grieving the relationship's demise because it is easier than the grief of your loss. There is no set way to grieve. If you want to deal with your relationship issues first it does not make your loss any less valid, or less painful. You have found out the hardest possible way that you cannot rely on this man. Thats a terrible shock. So be kind to yourself - if you need to do this gradually, then do it your way.

You are a mother now. Do not think that you are not - you are a mother in deep grief, with an angel baby. So give your baby a name, talk to him/her. The stress of your disentegrating relationship did not cause your miscarriage, its just Nature's way of taking a child that was just too fragile for this world. And a cruel thing most women will face. You will always remember your due date, and feel a pang when you see a child that is the same age as yours would have been.

I dont know if this is of any benefit to you - I hope some of it is.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Neyite

It does really help to be listened to. I feel so awful today. I miss the thought of having the baby so much. Its so strange, its like I miss the future that's not to be.

I finished it with my boyfriend this morning. It feels awful that I can't talk to him anymore. But I think you're right. I've been staying in this really destructive relationship to delay the grief.

I thought I was doing so well.....not so. I put it down to the fact that the baby wasn't planned. Its really hit me like a punch in the face in the last two days. I was told this would probably happen.

I'm dreading December already, when the baby would have been due.


I wish you all the best with your journey to conceive. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and your partner. I hope you have some good news soon. Babies really are little miracles.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding

GalwaYGaLX1X

Dear sad111,

I have read your story and I am genuinely so sorry for your loss. I Haven been in a similar situation. When I was 18 I fell pregnant, I was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years at the time but of course neither of us were ready so we made a difficult decision to have an abortion, I went to England on my own and the minute I done it I regretted it, i cried all the way home one the plane and for the next week, i turned off my phone and didnt speak to anyone. and still to this day I would give everything I have to have it back. 3 months later I had a miscarriage, I didnt know I was pregnant until one night I fainted and when i stood up blood just poured out of me. I was in shock and devastated. I know what your going through and I know it is extremely tough especially when you dont have a partner to support you but maybe you are better off focusing on you right now. Grieve a little dont be afraid to just pour your heart out crying when you feel you need to. Im sorry to say but you will never forget what could have been, but after a while you learn to control your emotions and it gets easier. You are not alone. I chose names of what i would call mine maybe you should do that too to honour their memory. Just remember the miscarriage was NOT your fault it was no ones fault it was not because of stress from your relationship it was because it wasnt meant to be. Everything happens for a reason and in time you will realise this. I wish you well and I hope you take care of yourself. x

LegacyUser

Thanks Galway Gal

Your story is so sad.

I finished with my boyfriend the day before yesterday. I keep reading everywhere that you should look for support from your partner at this time. Ha!

I guess I'm not the first to go through this alone. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like people are talking to me normally and a voice in my head is screaming 'do you not realise that I am going through hell'.

I hope your life is better now. I feel so awful for you and that lonely image of you coming home on the plane crying.

I've had three bad days now. I've to go to a wedding tomorrow. I'm dreading it but I feel I should go and try and keep life normal...

LegacyUser

I posted this already today in the LAdies Lounge. I hope its ok to post it here too


I lost my baby three weeks ago to miscarriage.

To my sweet baby. You were going to change everything, you were going to rock my world and my family. You were not planned, or expected, but you are still loved dearly. I changed my goals and life path to fit you in. And now I wish I still had to. I wish I still had to find an apartment with space for your cot, buggy and toys. I wish I still had to pluck up the courage to tell your grandparents that not only did I get myself pregnant but they hadn't yet met the father of the baby. Your grandmother and grandfather would have loved you so much. You would have been so spoiled. I would have been getting annoyed with my parents for trying to interfere. I wish I was still dreading that part. I wish I still had to figure out how to pay for childcare and rent. I wish I was getting stressed over which school to send you to. I wish I could teach you all the things I like. I wish I could sing with you in the car. I wish I could get you a present this Christmas even though you would only have been 2 weeks old. I wish I could be telling everybody now, why I've no plans made for this summer. Everything has fallen through since you've gone. You will always be in my heart. I love you forever. Keep me strong. My eyes are burning right now from all the tears I've cried today. It's all wrong. I should be looking after you. Love Mommy

theg81der

I cried when I read that in LL sad. I`m so so sorry for your loss could empathis having had similar experience and it had a profound impact on me.

Its like I knew because I had finished a book the week before I found out I was expecting that gave me what I need to cope -it was called Angels In her Hair part of it deals with a miscarriage- it literally saved my life I believe at the time I found it very hard to cope. Also like you I felt very strongly that my baby was with me and that it hurt so much that I felt like a mother in my heart now and that others didn`t look at it this way and often said quite insensitive things.

My grandmother said something thou - maybe the baby knew better and the experience taught me alot even thou it probably wasn`t the right time. Please read that book I think it would help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks the g81der for taking the time to post here and suggest the book you read which helped you. I'll order that on Amazon now. I'm sorry for your loss, and that my post made you cry and bring back such sadness to you. Even though I hate that other people have had to suffer like this, it is very comforting to hear from people who have been through a similar experience. My friends are great for listening, but they try to tell me 'not to think like that' when I can't help thinking the way I do. I hope I can help somebody in the future, even though it's the saddest thing to be in that 'club' that can empathise in these circumstances.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today even though it is miserable weather outside. For some strange reason the miserable weather is easier for me right now. When it's sunny, I feel it is wrong to be couped up. Today it's raining and it's like the universe is telling me it's alright to feel sad and hard done by. A pathetic fallacy....

Maybe like your grandmother said....the baby knew better. I like thinking that the baby was too good for this world

An Angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth,
and whispered as she closed the book-
"Too beautiful for earth."

LegacyUser

I'm having a really bad morning so far today. I haven't spoken to the baby's father in almost a week. This is so so hard. I'm a good person. Why has this sadness come into my life?

barbiegirl

Oh guys you all have me in tears. I've lost two babies and am spotting (6w 4d) on this latest one. We've been trying for 3 years.
I know I am so lucky to have my lovely hubbie to support me through this.
All I can say OP is that I feel your pain. Big hugs

Novella

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
They never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These little tiny footprints,
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
is you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one who grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mummys heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.



OP, I had a miscarriage myself a few years ago following an unplanned pregnancy so I know what it's like. I found this poem once when I was browsing the internet and I still read it from time to time. I hope you are doing okay and I am so sorry for your loss.

theg81der

sad111 - keep updating us we are here and we do want to know how you are xxx

barbiegirl - I have my fingers crossed for you. I hope everything works out. Take care of yourself and try not to do anything (simpler said that done I know).

LegacyUser

@barbiegirl. I really hope everything is ok. I will pray for you and your baby tonight. It really puts things in perspective.....this is such a hard time for you. Its hard that once you have a miscarriage the innocence and joy of pregnancy is gone. I hope they're looking after you and that you've got some good news.

@Novella thank you for that poem. I had seen it somewhere but couldn't find it again. I am so sorry also for your loss. It really is so confusing when you hadn't planned it in the first place. Then you begin to visualise your life with the baby and accept it and look forward to it. I heard the birds singing as I read your poem and I took it as a sign

@theg81der for giving me ears and letting me know that you are listening to me. It really helps.



I spent all day getting angry with my ex. Username Sad111 should be changed to ANGRY111. I contacted him through email and text and let loose. He saw another side to me today. I just wanted to know why he continued to lie to me to keep the relationship going when he had no intention of stopping his cheating. And I went on and on and on and on......exactly not what I planned to do!

His response was he didn't know.

I tried calling him twice as well but he wouldn't answer or call me back.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and wondering why I was so weak and stayed with my ex. I don't know what I want from him. No answer he gives will help but I still sent 3 emails and 3 texts today and a voicemail asking him why.......like a crazy woman!

I really need to let go and soon, so I can move on if that is possible. I know for definite now that I want to be a mother. That is the most important thing. Getting angry with my ex is not helping ..........well maybe it is just a little bit.......because I really wanted him to know how much he hurt me. I want him to hurt too. I just can't believe how cruel and twisted this has all been. Why would somebody purposely deceive somebody the way my ex deceived me. I never begged or pleaded with him to stay with me....he always insisted that he wanted to be with me. ANd now I feel so agrieved that I am left mourning a baby on my own.

I went to the gym eventually at 9.30 tonight. Again, it feels good to exercise and to know that I am looking after myself. But I got angry and upset again when I came out and my ex sent me a text saying 'I can't answer that.....had no intention of doing that'.

Yeah cheers thanks for all the support....


I made an appointment to see the councillor I had been seeing when I was pregnant. She was brilliant. Maybe I should tell my ex to come to. I hate all this anger and lack of communication.

I keep thinking about what Neyite said....I found out the hard way that I can't rely on this man. So why do I still feel the need to communicate with him? AM I transferring my grief or is it just an ego thing for me?

I really resent that my baby was conceived in a relationship based on lies. But I'd allow him do whatever he wants if I could just have my baby back..... I would have been fine on my own. I wish I'd believed that when I was pregnant.

Ok Barbiegirl time to turn my thoughts to you, your partner and your precious baby..... I hope you all sleep well tonight. Whenever I wake up I will say a prayer xxx

LegacyUser

My darling darling angel thank you for giving me signs today. It was a dark day and I said things to your dad that I shouldn't have. Please help me accept with dignity that the relationship was not right. Please look after all three of us even though we can't be together. Please, at some stage, give me a sign that your Dad didn't mean to hurt me so much. I'm finding it really hard to accept all of this on top of losing you.

Talk to you tomorrow sweetheart xxx

theg81der

sad111 - will you just keep away from him, its clearly not good for you. How can you get over him when you keep talking to him. Come on!!!!you can do this on your own and imerge better, stronger and more in charge of yourself and more sure of what you want for your future.

Isn`t it great that you know now that you really want kids someday and that you really need a great supportive guy who loves you to have them with. You can`t find him while mooning over this guy who is so clearly not right for you. I am rooting for you to overcome these obsticles!

LegacyUser

I know theg81der!!!

Thanks for checking in on me

My ex finally apologised to me unexpectedly today. I feel huge relief and closure as a result. I deleted all his numbers etc. I'm sad but thats it. Its a different sad to how I was feeling yesterday. Its an acceptance sad, which is what I prayed for.

I am having a very good day today finally.

I found a wonderful apartment to live in on my own and the landlady agreed to reduce the rent for me! It's very near where I live and I love where I live. It's open plan, loads of light and a garden and just me!!It has a fire place as well so it will be really cosy in the winter.
I've been sharing an apartment since forever. With no garden, or clothes line. I've always wanted a clothes line! My two flatmates are moving out soon and with all the uncertainty that has been happening in my life, I was getting very anxious about what was going to happen. This is the perfect solution.

I had been looking at places for two weeks and was giving up. I'm so excited that something has worked out for me. It's the beginning of my new life.

I wonder how you are today Barbiegirl. We are all thinking of you x

LegacyUser

The apartment fell through guys...:( The landlady managed to get somebody who would pay full price!

Another little dream over but I know its not important. Its only an apartment!

I did a yoga class this evening and even though I little cry during meditation my tears are definitely changing. It's so strange. I'm not as anxious today as I have been.



Tuesday nearly four weeks on........

Hi my darling baby.
I'm not doing so bad today. Even though I miss you inside me and all our plans, I feel your presence all the time.
You are amazing
My love for you just gets stronger. You are my rock and my support.
I can't wait to spend more time with you tomorrow
xxx

LegacyUser

I had a good day today. The lady with the apartment rang me to say the full price tenant had let her down. So the apartment should be mine by 1st July!!

the g81der - 'Angels in her Hair' arrived today! Thanks again for the recommendation. I was really busy and also feeling good today so I didn't start it yet. But its nice to know I have a book that might help me when I'm feeling down again....I'm visualising myself reading it in my new apartment by the massive window.

I really feel so much better today. I don't know why. But I think its because with the new apartment I feel I have something to look forward to. Two days ago I actually felt like I'd never enjoy anything again. The human mind and emotions are crazy.

Today my ex sent me some angry texts. They didn't bother me. But I did feel that maybe he's feeling the same pain I was feeling last week. So I asked was he ok. He totally calmed down the tone and finally asked me how I'm doing. I said good today. I'm glad we're being civilised. I know everybody is telling me not to contact him at all (not just you theg81der, my best friend is telling the same as you). But I really did feel fine today. There was no ulterior motive on my part (as there has been in the past with me - trying to keep in touch with him/ trying to hurt him/ trying to get him to say he made a big mistake!) I didn't need any of that today. But I do want to know that if I ever bump in to him, or his family or his friends again there will be no anger or awkwardness. And I do care about him still. The baby was a loss for him too. When I was pregnant we would wonder together about what the baby would be like. Those were good times. He would have been a good Dad, even if he was a rubbish boyfriend. It makes me sad to think it's Fathers Day on Sunday and we've lost our baby. I wonder is he thinking that too. He lost his father a year and a half ago, so I know he'll be sad about that.


Anyway, hope I'm doing all the right things.

theg81der

Thanks sad11 for keeping me informed (I keep checking for your updates now!). Sounds like the lady in the apartment was trying to get more money out of you to me, I`m glad it didn`t work.

I don`t know whats going on in your ex`s head but I would try not to get to wrapped up in wondering about it, one day you feel like this - over him etc but tomorrow could be different so just give yourself space for a while. I`m glad your best friend is there for you and is saying the same thing as me, then I know I`m saying the right thing.

Hope you enjoy the book x

LegacyUser

Went to councellor yesterday. It was very hard but good to talk to somebody. She explained grief to me as a wave. I will be calm and then suddenly the wave will crash again. I can't speed it up. I have no control over it. She says I'm dealing with double grief. The loss of my baby and the loss of my relationship. I guess I have to just accept it all. I'm trying to fix things because that's my nature. I have to accept that I will feel pain and I can't do anything about it. She told me to buy a book about grief and read it. SO I bought a book called 'grieving: a beginner's guide' by jerusha hull mc cormack





I came across this on an internet forum

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. -

Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. -

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. -

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. -

Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -

Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -

DO say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -
DO say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -
DO say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
DO send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker: -
Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -
Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
xx K xx

theg81der

Is it ok to tell you I promise it`ll get easier?!

LegacyUser

Thanks the g81der

I got my period today and I'm so sad. Four weeks exactly after my d&c. The last time I had my period was the 5th March. I guess its a good thing cos it means my body is back working properly but to me it just reminds me of my loss. I should have a 15 week baby inside me.
Sorry for tmi but the bleeding is reminding me of the miscarriage itself, when I was so scared.

Lola92

sad 111 I have been following your thread the last few days. I wanted to reply sooner but to be honest I didn't quite know what to say. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. You have suffered such a terrible loss. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.

*huge hugs*

I am a friend

sad111 nothing good will come of contacting this guy... Its not like you can believe one word he says.... Please dont give him any further ego boosts and there is no need for him to come to counselling to repair your lines of communication. Best thing is to heal yourself and leave him in your past.... Mind yourself xx

snugglebear

dear sad111 I have been following your thread since it started and have up until now felt unable to reply as I have only very recently had ectopic pregancy myself- I know that you and your partner are bound together by this dreadful experience but I really feel that you should try and be on your own for a while to deal with your grief in your own way- me and my partner have been struggling since we found out so I really do understand how hard it is right now- they say time is a healer I just hope thats true xx

dellas1979

Am sorry for your loss and heart ache.

theg81der

sad111 wrote: »

Thanks the g81der

I got my period today and I'm so sad. Four weeks exactly after my d&c. The last time I had my period was the 5th March. I guess its a good thing cos it means my body is back working properly but to me it just reminds me of my loss. I should have a 15 week baby inside me.
Sorry for tmi but the bleeding is reminding me of the miscarriage itself, when I was so scared.

This had faded from my memory so all I can say is it`ll get easier. It is perfectly normal and ok for you to feel like this. Please look after yourself and give yourself a little tlc. Same goes for me if you ever need to pm me to vent feel free.

How did the apartment go, did you move in or get a moving date?

LegacyUser

Hi Sad111 guest,

just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and what you have to go through on your own. I have never spoken about my experience to anyone as i fear that i will be judged. I travelled alone to the Uk for a termination more than 10 years ago and the loss even though it was my decision has never left me. The poems and entries that you have put on here especially the isolation you are feeling is bringing it all back. I am too afraid to go to counselling because I have never told anyone what I have done. I went to a Psychic once and the first thing he said to me was that I had lost a baby that was looking over me. I did not have the courage to tell him that I ended the pregnancy, but it got me thinking that I have a little one looking down on me. Maybe thats just mad, maybe its to relieve the guilt but it helps me and I often think of what I did and feel that it has effected me in my left and not in a good way.

I hope you have plenty of little ones in your life with someone really special that you deserve. Life is too short to waste on people that do not give you the care, support and attention that you deserve. Take care, M

LegacyUser

Hi everyone and thank you all for your messages and support.

Snugglebear I am so sorry for your loss. I really hope things work out for you and your partner. It is just such a difficult time.

Today I was ok. I did have a few cries but I think I'm beginning to get it now. I've never experienced grief before. I've broken up with people and been heartbroken but I always do eventually get over them. This is different. I know and I hope I'll never 'get over' the loss of my baby. I will always feel sad that the baby didn't make it, that we didn't make it (me and my baby). I think I understand what people mean when they say 'you will always be sad but you learn to live with the sadness'. I have to let myself be sad and allow myself cry if I need to. Not all the time obviously but I'm prepared that things may or may not happen that will remind me of my loss. And its ok to be sad and to live with sadness as long as I don't let it overwhelm my life. At the moment, it is effecting me hugely but thats normal because everything is so recent.
Losing a boyfriend is different. They can be replaced! Even though it doesn't feel like that at the beginning of the breakup. Breakups happen for a reason. I'll never know why my baby didn't make it though.
We had dreams for our baby, my ex and I. We had big dreams! Thats why its hard. This baby was smaller than my finger nail in size but I imagined her (I'm sure it was a her!) coming to me looking for advice and getting excited to see me when I picked her up from the creche. I would have tried my best to make her eat really healthy, but I know I would have given in and baked brownies and mars bar slices for her! I even had a name picked out but didn't tell my ex.
I know I can't change anything though and I really look forward to hopefully being pregnant again. This time I'll be so nervous but I won't get stressed by circumstances and I'll allow myself to dream.

I had a good day today I guess. I went for a run and I ran past my new apartment. I'm due to move in at the beginning of July and I've been shopping all weekend for lovely new nice things. I wished my ex a 'Happy Father's Day and told him he will be a great dad'.

I spent some time with my own fantastic Dad. I feel sad that my dad has lost a grandchild and doesn't know. He will be a wonderful granddad. I really hope we all get this gift at some stage soon. But the good thing about this experience is that I now know for definite that I would like to be a mother....

LegacyUser

Funny another poster recommended angels in your hair. I found this great.

If it's any consolation things will improve no fast way through grief. Keep up the counselling, take time to write down what happened in the sessions so you might learn from them and can refer back to them.

Journalling may also be helpful (kindof what ur doing here) and will also create a physical memory.

I'm coming through break up, unplanned pregnancy, decision to keep baby as a single mum, 5 month cardic diagnosis, back with babies father, moved in together, cardiac operations confirmed, problem with babies growth, incompatible with life diagnosis an 37 weeks, 40 weeks no heartbeat, 41 week birth and funeral and now it looks like the relationship is ending... It could always be worse!

A little lifetime foundation had more poems
Google the abundance prayer too - it's kindof a meditation to help you live in the now.

theg81der

Brophyl wrote: »

Funny another poster recommended angels in your hair. I found this great.

If it's any consolation things will improve no fast way through grief. Keep up the counselling, take time to write down what happened in the sessions so you might learn from them and can refer back to them.

Journalling may also be helpful (kindof what ur doing here) and will also create a physical memory.

I'm coming through break up, unplanned pregnancy, decision to keep baby as a single mum, 5 month cardic diagnosis, back with babies father, moved in together, cardiac operations confirmed, problem with babies growth, incompatible with life diagnosis an 37 weeks, 40 weeks no heartbeat, 41 week birth and funeral and now it looks like the relationship is ending... It could always be worse!

A little lifetime foundation had more poems
Google the abundance prayer too - it's kindof a meditation to help you live in the now.

I can not imagine how you coped. You must be such a strong person. I hope life will bring you some happiness.

LegacyUser

atalossguest: Thank you for posting your story. I am so so very sorry that you have had to go through this alone for such a long time. I have not told my parents yet about my miscarriage and it is killing me. I am reading a book about grief at the moment and it says one of the things you need to do is tell people that you are feeling sad about x y or z or you can't move on. That is such a scary thought. The longer this goes on the harder it will be for me to tell my parents. Infact, the councellor was giving me quite a hard time about it on Friday. I really don't want to bring this sadness into their lives. And I know they will be very hurt that I didn't let them know at the time. The councellor says I need to deal with my own sadness and stop worrying about other people's feelings. I am also afraid that my parents might say the wrong thing to me unintentionally and I'm not strong enough for that. I have no partner to go back to and say ....can you believe mum said that or dad said that.

I considered abortion and for the very reasons that I did not want to be judged. A lot of people did not even know I had a boyfriend. All these decisions, all these choices, all these things out of our control and all these women punishing themselves. Its so wrong.

I remember being on the bus one of the first days I was pregnant when I was still considering abortion and looking at all the women around me and wondering how many of them had been through this crisis pregnancy situation. When I went to the Well Woman Clinic for counselling, it also offered counselling for post abortion and it said it didn't matter how long ago you had the abortion. I told a friend who still feels sad about an abortion she had years ago. But she's not interested. I can totally guarantee you though that the lady I've been dealing with is 100% non-judgemental. I hope you forgive yourself and that you understand that the decision you made was your best decision at a time when you were stressed, vulnerable and alone.

I'm not sure if I wrote about this here, but a few days after the miscarriage, I was driving across the city and a little kitten ran in front of me. I managed to break but the kitten ran to the kerb and cars were still driving past. In a split second, I could see huge fear in the kittens face and eyes. That's how I felt. I cried for about an hour after that and I can still see the kitten's face. I think all women must feel like that when they find out they're pregnant when it's not planned. Don't ever underestimate how scared you were when you made the choice. I can totally understand why you would fear being judged. Abortion is such a taboo subject. But nobody will ever understand what they would do unless they've been in the situation themselves.

That is so beautiful that the pyschic told you that your baby was looking down on you and is with you. I hope that thought and the poems on this thread give you comfort as you remember that lonely and sad time in your life. I hope you also have found somebody that will look after you and if you need to tell someone how your feeling you can pm me or continue to post here. Everybody who has been posting here has been so supportive.



Brophy: I am so sorry for your loss. You have had an awful time. You still are having an awful time. Thank you for your advice. I am using this thread like a journal and it is really helping. I really don't know what words to say to you. I am so heartbroken for you. You must have named your baby and held the baby in your arms. What a huge loss. It would be very hard, I imagine, for any couple to cope with that. I am thinking of you and thank you for sharing your story.

I didn't have a great today. Just going through the motions. I read some of my grief book. It is helping. I guess I had no understanding of grief before this, so I had no idea what to expect. The book is helping me understand what I am going through. I really missed my ex today as well, but thats all part of the process. I also know that I will get over the relationship with my ex. (Yay... some light at the end of the tunnel!) However, I have to accept that I will always carry the sadness of the loss of my baby.

I'll look for that poem you suggested Brophy and maybe post it.

Thank you

LegacyUser

.....I felt positive today.

I think it's my first day where I didn't feel like I was going through the motions of life. I actually felt like I was living again. Then, I had a cry, but a sort of a maybe I'm moving on cry.

When I went out walking there was a lovely breeze. Every time I feel a breeze now, I wonder is it the baby telling me she's still with me, willing me to go forward in life. I got it from the poem Novella posted. It's the one line that has stuck with me.

I bought some plants after I miscarried but I'm moving house now so I can't bring them with me. I think I'll buy a print in a frame someday. The baby was due in December. The ponsietta is the flower of December. It's a very strong red colour, which I love. If I find a nice print or painting of the poinsietta, I'll buy it.

I've had no communication with my ex since last Sunday. It's very hard, but it's good. Each day that comes, I feel a little stronger. I realise it's the right decision not to be with him. There are moments when I doubt myself. Am I trying too hard to be strong at this time? However, I'm beginning to separate the emotions I feel about the baby, and the emotions I have about the relationship. They are not tied. I have lost my baby forever. She will never be replaced. She was innocent and fought hard for 8 weeks. She was like me! She even hung around an extra two and a half weeks so I could see her in my womb. My ex made his choices to not give himself fully to our relationship, for whatever reason. It's a different issue. I felt I was staying with my ex for the baby. But today I feel the baby wouldn't want me to stay with somebody who wasn't sure. I'm doing the right thing. I wish I didn't have to make these choices at this time, but even I didn't know I could be so strong.

It's so strange. I'm still very sad but I feel more comfortable about being sad than before.

Each day it does get a little bit easier. Each day I find I'm a little bit more positive. Then I regress, then I go forward..........just like the wave that the councellor spoke to me about. But each time I go forward, I go a little bit further. What a journey!

Maple

OP, I am so so terribly sorry for your loss and I completely empathise with the rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling right now. I feel the loss of a child marks us, those marks may not be visible but it can feel like you're fractured with grief and you don't know how to reconnect all the pieces of yourself, it's so disjointing.

You need to grieve for your baby, do what is best for you. You need comfort at this sad time of your life, I know you feel like it might upset your parents but they might be ever so upset to know that you're carrying this burden of grief by yourself.

You need to acknowledge your baby in some way, the picture of the flower is a lovely idea, jewellery is also another idea, I don't know if you feel this would be too morbid but Miscarriage Ireland have a book of remembrance whereby you can write something specifically for your baby and have it entered into this book. Info is here.

There are also miscarriage memorial stones, info here.

You need to grieve for your baby, and also for yourself, for the loss of your hopes and dreams for your future with your little girl. And it is doubly hard because you are dealing with this loss without the support of a partner, so you are caught in a cycle of grief and anger, you wonder how he is, how he is feeling, you get angry that you do not have his support and that you cannot support him, then you become enraged as you feel that he couldn't possibly be as affected by all this as you are. It is so horrible, so draining, so sad.

Please know that the energy that made up your baby knows that you love her, she knows this and she is with you and will always be with you, loving you and looking over her Mummy. This was not her time but she knows that you love her.

Please take care.

SparkyTech

Condolences and deep sympathy to you. Take care.

LegacyUser

Spot on Maple. Thank you. You have described exactly what is happening in my head and my heart.

I've lost my baby.
I've lost my relationship.
My parents have lost a grandchild they didn't even know they were expecting.
I would love to have a partner right now who could help me and I would love to help my partner. I guess I can't be a mother nor can I be the loving, supportive partner either in the wake of our loss. I feel I've not only lost his support but I would love to be a comforter right now as well. None of this is black and white. Its simple to say 'stay away from him' but there are times of the day when I long for him to reach out to me and tell me that he needs me. I wonder does he feel the same pain as me. Does he think about our baby as much as I do? Does he realise now, that he does want to be a dad, like I found out that I really want to be a mother?

And don't worry guys.....no need to tell me to stay away from him.......I am staying away from him, but I can't control my thoughts, and I can't stop thinking about him.....but I've been through hard break ups before and I know all of this will pass.

Right now the hardest thing is how do I tell my parents? I want to but in a way its easier not to. I completely understand why people are telling me to tell them. But how? Its the most devastating news I'll ever have to give them. They would love a grandchild. And the longer I leave it the the more hurtful it might be. Am I over dramatising everything? This is so painful, I want to protect them from this pain. But will it be as painful for them? I am healthy and I am free now to find a man who can make me happy.

Initially I thought I could tell them when I'm pregnant again, when I have good news. But I might not be pregnant again. And if I am not pregnant again, will I carry this huge guilt for not telling them? I guess there is never a good time to tell your parents this news. I also guess if I had a supportive partner it would lessen the need to tell them. It would also be easier to tell them because I could say 'its sad but me an x can try again and x has been great'. Its all a vicious circle. I should tell them because they would want to be there for me. But I don't want them to hurt. I will be fine and they need never know. But that makes me feel guilty. And I should not feel guilty because in all of this, I have done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

Thanks SparkyTech for your sympathy.

By the ways guys thanks for reading and listening and posting. I am holding up really well. This thread is really helping me be honest with myself. Your replies have really helped me understand my own thoughts. I hope somebody who is afraid to post and is having a similar experience is getting help from this too.

Maple thank you for going to the trouble of posting the links to miscarriage.ie
I haven't been in touch with them yet, but I will in time. Just not ready yet. I really want to think about what I write in the book of remembrance. And I guess deep down, I would love my mum and dad to be able to write something too if they'd like to. My mum is brilliant at writing letters and cards and my dad keeps a journal. I guess I'm beginning to take after them with my blog type internet thread here on boards!

Can I also thank the mods who are posting my posts here? I'm remaining anonymous. But I have been a regular poster on boards. I feel my opportunity to write here has helped me hugely. But knowing that people 'out there' are following the most honest version of my story seems to help me too.

theg81der

Sorry I gave you the "stay away from him" line, didn`t mean it to sound flipant it wasn`t .

I wouldn`t tell my parents if I was you, why would you put yourself through that if you don`t want to but if you want to do, this is all about you and what your comfortable with don`t be railroaded or convinced.

It makes me sad reading about how other people mark their miscarriages and remember their babies - people made me too embarrased like i was being silly. I feel like I let them devalue my baby somehow. You go to hospital and all you hear is "products of conception" repeatedly no matter how many dirty looks you give them, you go home and people say "you`ll have another one" like they are disposable or replaceable in some way, "Gods will" others say while looking at you fully expecting to see comfort on your face, "you need to take it easy next time" making you think - omg is this is my fault why didn`t I do x.y or z.......and your so emotional, if your like me, that you let people make you think your being overly sensitive so you don`t mark your babies existence in a picture or poem you don`t mourne the day they were suppose to arrive and you bury your grief and all your fears for future pregnancies.

Sad111 you`ve really brought my miscarriage to the forfront of my mind and made me wake up to something. I`ve been finding so many excuses not to start trying for a baby but the truth is - I`m terrified, a miscarriage, as Maple says, marks you.

LegacyUser

theg81der...don't feel sorry....no apologies needed on this thread!! I can't work out my own head at the moment so I've no doubt strangers are looking in thinking one minute she says this another minute she said that....! Much better that people are telling me to stay away from him than telling me to give him another chance! (which would be crazy advice, I know)

I'm so sorry that your experience of miscarriage was as it was. Its not too late to do something to remember your baby. The baby is always with you, as you now know. It sounds like you have been very hard on yourself, and maybe it's time to forgive yourself. I for one would love to hear you do something for you and your baby in relation to your sad experience. It happened, your pregnancy existed.

I think because not many people know you're pregnant in the first place, it's hard to be open about it. And then after the initial shock of miscarriage is over, everyone else seems to get on with their lives. There are times, especially now because I don't have contact with me ex, that I wonder did it actually all happen? I got really angry with him about that this morning. I feel his behaviour has robbed me of a channel to remember my baby. I can actually admit now, that I didn't even know I loved the baby that much, until two weeks after the miscarriage! All the time I was carrying her, I worried about whether I had enough money, how I was going to tell my parents, my employers, would I ever have another adventurous holiday again in my life, was my boyfriend trustworthy, was he worth another chance? Selfish things, but I'm sure thats the norm when you're pregnant. Next pregnancy, I won't be as stressed about those things. And thats one lesson I've learned the hard way.

I hope you can talk to somebody about your experience the g81der. When you do open up, you realise how a lot of people just don't get it, (I would have been one of them before), but there are many people out there who understand how painful it must be for you, and even just that acknowledgement helps so much. You will be a mother. I will be a mother. We will be terrified when we are pregnant but thats all part of it. We will see heartbeats at the scan. We will feel the baby kicking. We will choose buggies and cots. We will hold our babies in our arms. We will go through the pain of labour a million times and back and not fear it, as long as we have healthy babies at the end. We will feel our hearts bursting with joy when they smile and our hearts break when they cry. We will get to say I am his/her mother....and know that our 'lost' babies had a hand in making this happen....

I wish.....anyway!

LegacyUser

<snip>

Mod note - really not appropriate in THIS thread.

theg81der

sad111 if I`m honest with you there is a lot more to the story - I don`t know if you heard about the "mix ups" at drogheda hospital 2 years ago? anyway I am one of the people involved so I feel enormous guilt.

Lola92

theg81der wrote: »

sad111 if I`m honest with you there is a lot more to the story - I don`t know if you heard about the "mix ups" at drogheda hospital 2 years ago? anyway I am one of the people involved so I feel enormous guilt.

To lose a child under any circumstances is so tragic, but what you must have gone through words can not describe. I am so so sorry for your loss, and so in awe of your courage and the strength you show to get up each day and live life.

I just wanted to let you ladies know you and your babies are in my thoughts and prayers. You are all amazing parents and no one can ever take that knowledge away from you.

Take care of yourselves, I will keep an eye on this thread to see how you are doing.

LegacyUser

I don't think anyone has anything to say about my post or they are just horrified/indifferent by me what i had done.
It doesn't make any make any difference anyways. I didn't write to get it responses, i wrote it to say i understand about lose and to tell my experiences of it.

LegacyUser

theg81der - So so sad (and angry) to hear that for you. I assume you are talking about the miscarriage misdiagnosis. That all became public knowledge when I had just found out I was pregnant. I remember thinking 'jesus! Why not twist the knife even deeper?" You have been robbed of your baby but also perhaps some peace of mind that it was all inevitable. I feel so heartbroken for you, that you would feel guilty. You have no reason to feel that way. If you are in any way spiritual you will know that God takes only the ones that he wants under whatever circumstances he has to.....even in the cruelest way possible to the mother. But I don't know if you are spiritual, and I don't know if that helps. The whole 'my angel is in heaven' really helped me at the beginning but I'm losing it all a bit now. But here is another nice poem which really helped me initially. I even read it to my ex!


"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
~Unknown


Lifecanbesad99: So sorry for your losses. You have been in very difficult circumstances and I can totally understand your choice to abort. It was, infact, a very selfless thing to do. I was so lucky that I had two friends telling me I would be a great mum the whole way through my uncertainty. When I had made my decision to keep the baby my boyfriend told me I would be a great mum and he was so happy I was going to be the mother of his child. I was also lucky that I spoke to a councellor when I did. ( infact, I was lucky I had broken up with my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant or I would never have called the councellor. We (my ex and I) probably would have decided together to have had an abortion otherwise)

If I had had an abortion, it would never have been for selfish reasons, but the opposite, because I didn't believe I would or my circumstances would be good enough for a child. This is exactly what you have described how you felt. I am so sorry that you had no-one around to tell you that you would be a great mum like I was told. The councellor picked up on my innate want for a baby, even though I had been in denial and told me to wait.......and I am so grateful she said that to me. Since making my decision to keep the baby, friends of mine, who have aborted and feel they made the right choice to abort, have told me that they knew immediately that they did not want to be pregnant. They didn't like the feeling of the baby inside them. They wanted to get on with their lives immediately and had no doubt. These are people who have children or have gone on to have children or women who haven't had children. It's either the right thing or the wrong thing to do for YOU as a woman. Nobody else should influence YOUR gut feeling. My ex didn't want the baby and that was influencing me because there is no way in hell that I wanted to be a single mother. I told the councellor that I didn't want to be a single mother full stop. She told me I had to stop letting other people's choices rule my needs and wants.


To be honest, I didn't really know what I wanted. There was no voice screaming out to me, 'keep the baby'. But neither was there a voice screaming 'get rid of the baby". But the bottom line was I felt there was a 'baby' inside me. My ex didn't think it was a 'baby' yet. I understand that. I can see why people might think if it is still only the size of a pin head or a grape seed it is not a baby. That's how I would have felt about other people's babies until I realised I had a little pinhead or grapeseed growing in me. My instinct was to protect this life, and let it grow.......

My angel,

I guess I didn't protect you enough.....you grew to the size of not even a jelly baby and I saw your head and your body at 8 weeks and 1 day. You stayed there in me sleeping for two and a half weeks. What a fighter you were my little one, your mum had only decided to keep you for definite a day or two before your little heartbeat died. I'm sorry if you didn't always feel welcome.........I would do anything to have you back.....xxx

LegacyUser

hey lola

thanks for your support

Ickle Magoo

lifecanbeverysad99 wrote: »

I don't think anyone has anything to say about my post or they are just horrified/indifferent by me what i had done.
It doesn't make any make any difference anyways. I didn't write to get it responses, i wrote it to say i understand about lose and to tell my experiences of it.

If you wish responses or replies aimed at yourself rather than the OP, please feel free to start your own thread.

ETA - I've deleted lifecanbeverysad99's original post as I don't think it is appropriate on this thread. Any more posts by them in this thread will not be approved.

Can we please get back to the purpose of the thread, and indeed this forum, support for the original poster.

Many thanks

LegacyUser

wow two days I've felt like a different woman. I can feel the transformation.

For the first time in weeks I was able to get some work done. (I have a deadline of the beginning of July, and I'm two weeks behind already ) At this time of year I work on my own. I find it hard at the best of times but I have not done a tap this month at all until yesterday! I managed to do some clearing to get ready for my big move on Friday My ex sent me two texts and I didn't reply to either. I'm still finding it hard to get to sleep, but once I do get to sleep I'm out for the night. I'm thinking about the baby and my loss with acceptance. I still felt her willing me to go on this evening with the breeze as I was out running in the crazy heat! I still miss her and I still wonder about the what would have been. I still look at pregnant women with envy but I'm not anxious about getting the text from a close friend who was due last Saturday to say her baby has been born.

Its a good time for me to move on. I'm so happy I found somewhere new to move to. I really feel the baby is looking after me. I really feel I've grown up a lot in the last two months or so. Who'd have thought a 36 year old could say that? When I was 25 I thought I knew it all. It's true the older you get, the more you realise just how little you do know.

This has been so hard, and I still get the odd moment of 'why me?'. I will always feel sad that my first experience of motherhood and pregnancy ended up this way. I'm beginning to see what a huge challenge this has been for me in terms of maturity, self-respect and strength.

And guess what the answer is?............I've been underestimating myself for far too long!

Time to start living and believing again. I hope this experience makes me a better person. I now know that not everything can be 'fixed'. I've never experienced that before.

I used this prayer when I was pregnant. I'm not a mass-goer but I do believe there is a God and an after-life. I did question God after my miscarriage and when I discovered that my ex had been lying to me all that time. I still do wonder why it all happened to me like this? It's been pretty cruel. But I won't move on if I keep searching for answers when there are none, so it's time to use this prayer again

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Maple

sad111 wrote: »

Its simple to say 'stay away from him' but there are times of the day when I long for him to reach out to me and tell me that he needs me. I wonder does he feel the same pain as me. Does he think about our baby as much as I do? Does he realise now, that he does want to be a dad, like I found out that I really want to be a mother?

It is so very easy to say stay away, but you are inextricably linked to this man forever. He will always be what, were the Universe in the best place, could have been the father of your first child. That is a bond between you. It is so very very sad that you guys are no longer together, it is cruel and it is such an emotional rollercoaster for you to endure.

It might be something for you to think about in the future, perhaps you do need to have a conversation with him, have some time whereby you both allow yourselves to voice your sadness.

But at the minute, please just concentrate on yourself and your own hurts and to getting yourself back to an equilibrium.

sad111 wrote: »

Right now the hardest thing is how do I tell my parents? I want to but in a way its easier not to. I completely understand why people are telling me to tell them. But how? Its the most devastating news I'll ever have to give them. They would love a grandchild. And the longer I leave it the the more hurtful it might be. Am I over dramatising everything? This is so painful, I want to protect them from this pain. But will it be as painful for them? I am healthy and I am free now to find a man who can make me happy.

Initially I thought I could tell them when I'm pregnant again, when I have good news. But I might not be pregnant again. And if I am not pregnant again, will I carry this huge guilt for not telling them? I guess there is never a good time to tell your parents this news. I also guess if I had a supportive partner it would lessen the need to tell them. It would also be easier to tell them because I could say 'its sad but me an x can try again and x has been great'. Its all a vicious circle. I should tell them because they would want to be there for me. But I don't want them to hurt. I will be fine and they need never know. But that makes me feel guilty. And I should not feel guilty because in all of this, I have done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

What do you need in all of this? Yes, your parents might be very sad. Of course they will be, but what do you need in all of this? Do you not think that you deserve the chance to have your folks mind you and love you?

Just think about what you need, I sincerely doubt having read your posts that you would give them unnecessary pain but just think about what you need right now.

theg81der wrote: »

It makes me sad reading about how other people mark their miscarriages and remember their babies - people made me too embarrased like i was being silly. I feel like I let them devalue my baby somehow. You go to hospital and all you hear is "products of conception" repeatedly no matter how many dirty looks you give them, you go home and people say "you`ll have another one" like they are disposable or replaceable in some way, "Gods will" others say while looking at you fully expecting to see comfort on your face, "you need to take it easy next time" making you think - omg is this is my fault why didn`t I do x.y or z.......and your so emotional, if your like me, that you let people make you think your being overly sensitive so you don`t mark your babies existence in a picture or poem you don`t mourne the day they were suppose to arrive and you bury your grief and all your fears for future pregnancies.

There is no time limit on you marking the loss of your baby. At that particular time your head and heart are so scrambled that you find it hard to make sense of anything. People are awkward and bluster and try to soothe you with words that feel like sandpaper on your raw skin.

But there is no time limit, you may have not been able to mark your loss at that time. But you are ready now.

theg81der wrote: »

Sad111 you`ve really brought my miscarriage to the forfront of my mind and made me wake up to something. I`ve been finding so many excuses not to start trying for a baby but the truth is - I`m terrified, a miscarriage, as Maple says, marks you.

It is terrifying, it is the scariest thing in the world, but if this is what you truly want then do not deny yourself your heart's greatest wish. The passed soul of your little lost baby would not want that for you.

sad111 wrote: »

My angel,

I guess I didn't protect you enough.....you grew to the size of not even a jelly baby and I saw your head and your body at 8 weeks and 1 day. You stayed there in me sleeping for two and a half weeks. What a fighter you were my little one, your mum had only decided to keep you for definite a day or two before your little heartbeat died. I'm sorry if you didn't always feel welcome.........I would do anything to have you back.....xxx

Please do not put this guilt on yourself. Your baby would understand how frightened you were initially, and she would know that you would have loved her and been the best Mummy you could have been if the time was right for you both to be together.

It is so very sad and so very cruel, but it was not the time for your baby, but I'm sure she is always with you and knows how much you love her.

LegacyUser

Thanks Maple.

You have all been very helpful.

It is true that when you miscarry your head is a big scramble. I went back to work the week after my miscarriage even though the hospital advised me not to. That week is a big haze to me. I can't remember anything I did.

I'm definitely beginning to think clearer now. I'm working out what is the best thing for me right now. I'm not as anxious about the future and the 'if onlys or what if's' . I won't begin to enjoy life again unless I begin to think positively. I'm getting there.......and I'm surprised how different I feel now to this day last week.

Hope you're ok theg81nder

LegacyUser

I'm the same age as you OP. I had my miscarriage at 26, in a 'not perfect' relationship. Now I'm also in a not great relationship and on my third round of ivf. It took me about a year to take in the miscarriage. I don't grieve for it anymore, but that's ten years later. Stopped grieving after about three years but the pain wasn't intense all that time.
The good news is that you're getting through this, but accept it will take alot of time. The other good news is that you're able to get pregnant. Take this from a woman in the 'infertile community', - having a miscarriage is actually not such bad news because it means your body is working. That sounds harsh, but my friend has a miscarriage in a bad relationship at 35, and then had a baby at 39 and again at 40. I'm not trying to minimise your pain, I'm just saying that life is really tough and miscarriages are part of life for many humans and you still have lots to look forward to. Just accept that this will hurt for quite awhile. Stuff like this defines us as people. I'm sorry yer man is not up to scratch, it's no reflection on you. Chin up girl. xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks somuchtodo

It was nice to see your message this morning and I've been thinking about it a lot today. You are right. Sadly miscarriage is now a part of my life, and I happened to discover how wrong the relationship I was in was, as I found out I was pregnant.
I'm still hurting but it's more bearable. I know if I want children I don't have time to sit around and mope, get angry or bitter. I just have to get on with life and be as positive about my situation as possible. I'm still very healthy. I have loads of wonderful friends and a family who adore me. I finally moved out on my own, and I love it. I've been running and have already built myself up to 7 miles today! (Beginning to fit back in to my nice clothes again ). The move was great also, because I'm meeting lots of friends I wouldn't have otherwise, because they're calling around to see the new place.

I have two very good friends who have been rocks to me the last three months. I don't know what I would have done without them.

I still feel signs from my baby. Like, when I'm out running and i get really tired, I feel a breeze, and it's like the baby is telling me to go on, because thats whats good for me. The running has been great. It helps me physically and mentally.

My ex has been sending me texts. Nothing profound. Just asking me how I am or apologising because he sent me a late night text when he was out drunk. He hasn't phoned me. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't. Life is too short to remain angry. He is messed up. I'm probably lucky to have found out so soon. But it still hurts, and I still miss him. And I wish he never lied or did the online thing in the first place. Two weeks ago I was in a very bad place in my head, wondering why I can't be loved wholly like other people. Everything was so good apart from that. And I loved him and I do believe he loved me. I bumped into him by total coincidence this day last week in the queue in a bank I normally never use! It was such a shock for both of us. I was friendly and chatty. We couldn't talk for long because we were in a queue. I felt really sad after. To onlookers, our conversation could have been between two people who had not seen each other in years. I remember thinking - I could be five months pregnant with his child and now we're almost like strangers Its sh** He sent me a nice text after telling me I looked great! Helped the bruised ego a little

I really do hope I meet somebody who I can trust and have children with. The story of your friend who had the miscarriage at 35 in a bad relationship and has gone on to have two children really lifted my spirits. Its funny when I was 20, I went to a fortune teller in America. I was horrified because she told me I'd be pregnant three times in my life but I'd only have two children. Now, I hope what she said was true!

I was single for five years before I met the ex. Another awful break up involving lies and deceit in my previous relationship, took me a two or three years to get over. By the time I met my current ex, I was in a very good place within myself. I feel much stronger within myself than last time. I wanted to be angry the last time. This time, I don't. I want to be ready for the next man, happy just being me. I think I'm getting there. I hope I'm getting there....

I hope you get some good news soon somuchtodo. My fingers are crossed for you...x

LegacyUser

I have just read over this thread for the first time. I am proud of myself. There were things I was embarrassed to say but I still said them. Now, I am glad I can read them.

I'm really missing the baby this weekend. It started a few hours ago and reading over this thread has helped. Nobody asks me about the baby anymore. I haven't heard from my ex in a week. I guess I needed this thread for evidence. Yes, that all did really happen. It is still happening. I'm heartbroken tonight. I lost a baby. There is nothing sadder.

The taxi driver asked me 'are you a mother yourself?"

My reply ...." I was pregnant but I lost my baby"

Yes I am a mother. But my baby looks after me.

I was in good form tonight out with friends. I know those friends love me and my company. They are wonderful people to be with because even though my heart was breaking tonight, I still had a great night.

I know I seem really together on the outside. People keep telling me 'I'm doing great' and I'm 'unbelieveably strong'. But I'm not, I'm weak and broken hearted on the inside. I'm vulnerable and sensitive. I cry at the drop of a hat. I miss my baby.

We would have been a great team baby. You softened me already. God knows what I would have been like once you were born. You would have completed me. But you are my wake up call.......to live life. I love you. I love that you, in particular, came to me. You are unique. We will be reunited someday. I love you and I can't wait for that day. I hope I do you proud in between xxx