is it that bad?

missyb

Okay, please understand I dont have kids so some of my statments may come across ill informed. I am at a point in my life where decisions need to be made as to whether I have children. I have a hobby(becomming more of a career now)that takes up a large amount of time, when I get work its all consuming and means alot of evening work, sometimes day, (this is on top of my job which I use for an income). It is definitely my passion. I am with someone I love and what to stay with, we will be getting engaged this year. More and more my mind tells me that I am on the brink on having to make a decision about having children(Im just gone 31).

I have a wonderful partner who would be a great dad, he says that he doesnt mind either way, and doesnt feel strongly either way so its my decision. I have an older sister and brother, without meaning to sound critical, but their level of happiness since they have had kids has decreased hugely. All they talk about is how hard it is and how little time they have for anything. My brother and his wife look for every opportunity possible to leave their kids with someone else,(I swear I am not exaggerating) my sisters nerves are shattered with exhaustion and I think at some points depression. These are people who are normal healthy kids. My only conclusion is that people are biologically tricked into having kids and then have to face the reality that it is just an awful job.

I know they envy my freedom because they tell me so. This scares the life out of me, is it really that bad being a parent?? I cannot see anything good about it. My friend who is the most together, organised person I know, has fallen into a depression since having her baby. She said she cant believe how hard it is, she had no idea. Someone else once told me that the only reason parents say that the hard work is worth it when their child smiles/makes them laugh/talks/hugs them/ is because they are so bored, tired and depressed that they cling on to anything that makes the endless work seem worth it.

I have to ask parents(I kind of already know really) do you give up who you are entirely when you have kids? Would I have time for my passion or is that the sacrifice that has to be made? and Why have children? My family and friends with kids are really struggling and I think if that was me I would crack up or resent the children and the huge constraints ,but oddly in some other ways I think Id be a good mother as I am an honest person or at least try to be. I just dont know. Some really genuine and honest perspectives would be appreciated. Just for the record, I also know it doesnt mean you dont love your kids if you dont gush about parenthood. Thanks

The Princess Bride

No- it's not that bad- but being honest,it's not a walk in the park.
The one thing I can say for sure is,no-one can tell you whether or not to 'go for it'. I've seen the most wonderful couples falter and fall apart when children came along.
Yes,your relationship changes-why wouldn't it,suddenly, you are way down the list of priorities- even if you discover at 7AM you've no bread,you can't trot to the shop alone-baby must come too.
Then there's the tough decisions-is this rash normal,what does this vaccine do,what if I shouldn't have given him pureed turnip...(small joke)
Seriously,I love my babies and wouldn't change them for anything,and yes,I always,always wanted to have children, but there's many a long day where I wish I could put me first on my list,but know I shouldn't.
Another thing, these people who say NOT having babies is selfish are talking rubbish,it's selfish to have them and make a crap job of rearing them. Not having them is a personal choice which should always be respected.
Your pal who is depressed....well,some people get depression without ever having children.You say your OH is wonderful,that's half the battle,imho.
No amount of talking,courses,etc....can prepare you for that 1st day at home,alone with baby and no-one else to decide except you(and him)-
I don't regret it,however,if any of mine ever said,'mom,i'm never ever going to have children,I wouldn't interfere-

Did I put my life on hold,no,I always worked,I still had a great social life (albeit,not until 5AM anymore:D.....and not as often) but know they love me, and even the teenagers still,frequently,come for cuddles,and tell me they love me without me saying it 1st-
sometimes,I'm sure I annoy them too,sure weren't we all there once.

Fittle

There are five pages of answers to your question on the recent thread 'Do you regret having kids...'

You should have a read;)

Daisy M

Hi op I know people who are similar to your siblings in their approach to parent hood, feel their lives have been sacraficed for their children, will leave them at the drop of the hat with anyone and apparently have no qualms about doing so, but I must say the majority of parents I know are the complete opposite of this. From my experience the people who find parenting extremely hard and dont enjoy it had previous to been a parent had had ample disposable income, would have had extremely busy social lives, lots of breaks away holidays and availed of lots of things (cleaners, eating out ect) that would have made their lives easier also (again this is just from my experiences) this type of people were takers rather than givers would look for lots of favours but never around when needed by family or friends, in essence they were selfish.
Now I am not saying that parenting is easy but its hard to think of anything worthwhile that does come easy. Sure my kids drive me mad sometimes but they also provide me with a great source of happiness. I was happy before I had my children but there is no doubt that I am even happier now they are in my life. I love my husband and kids more than anything, nothing or no one can compare to them its as simple as that.
Obviously if decide to become parents you need to be realistic about the fact that your life will change somewhat, but it doesnt need to change completely, you can still have a social life, meet friends, continue to work ect but you just need to put practices in place to make sure this happens. If you decide not to have children then that is your choice dont feel guilty or wrong!!
As for your sister if she is depressed then you should encourage her to speak with her gp or public health nurse, she shouldnt have to try and cope with it on her own.

Cat Melodeon

This thread seems to come up time and time again! OP, no one can tell you whether or not you should have kids. All I can say is that no, in my case, it's not that bad. In fact it's not 'bad' at all. Challenging, yes. Demanding, yes. Tiring, yes. Requiring changes to your lifestyle, yes. But also rewarding, enjoyable, intense, and incredibly fun. If you are concerned about the time it takes up, well, you are taking on another full time role so of course your free time will be affected and your current routine will have to change. You do not have to stop working, but you do have to strike a balance between your work and family life that is agreeable to you and adequate for your kids. You have to be more determined about your relationship with your partner in order to maintain it and share time alone. You will have expenses you didn't have before and depending on how much you are willing to rely on childcare/change your working day, you may have to take a pay cut.

Many people will use the word 'sacrifice' in relation to having kids. I don't think there is any sacrifice - there are changes to be made but the rewards gained from those changes are immense. There are also opportunities to be had - if you cut your working hours it can leave you with more time to devote to alternative projects, like working from home, hobbies that can become careers, home study etc. Obviously that isn't all down to you, your partner can share the changes and the benefits too.

In our set-up, I've taken the time around my first pregnancy to upskill and have been doing freelance work since then. I'm pregnant again but am hoping that by the time this baby will be a year old I will be in a position to work fulltime and my husband will be able to switch to part-time, doing more childcare duties and studying part-time. Once kids get to school age, things ease up a bit. I wouldn't want to miss out on being the main carer for the first baby stage, it goes by so quickly it's terrifying and I'm already missing my son being a tiny thing (hence #2 being on the way!).

I wouldn't take other people's negative stories too much to heart. When you are related to someone you tend to be the person they can moan to about things that they wouldn't moan about otherwise. It's true, the early years can be exhausting, the teen years can be frustrating. The state of a couple's relationship can also affect things - where parents don't share the parenting duties fairly to the satisfaction of both parties, resentment can brew and this can be directed against the children as well as the partner. Some people take to parenthood like a fish to water. Others have to work at it. some couples fall apart when kids arrive. It brings others closer together. All I know is that I love it, I love this new crazy person that is half me, half my husband and I love how he has filled a space in our life that we didn't even know was there. And we're looking forward to the next one too, there's plenty of room in our family yet.

dan_d

I'm around the same age and in a similar position to you OP...

My (incredibly clinical!!) view of the whole thing is that kids are a necessary evil. I figure I'll be writing off my 30's and probably most my 40's...and by that I mean, no sleep, no money, whatever else. But you know what, I'll manage. I understand that people put their kids before everything else, but I kind of feel that now and then, I will have moments where I just say "to hell with them", and do what I want for an hour or two. There is, I will admit, a mildly selfish streak in me along with a very strong desire to not be just "a mother". I will not be giving up work - I appreciate it won't be easy and I'll be heartbroken handing a child over to a creche/minder - but I'll live. And as I said before - I'll manage. And life will go on!

Best of luck with whatever you decide. I suppose I just don't want to look back at the age of 50 and regret that I never had them and can't now. That's all.

username123

Im a bit older OP, no children. Neither myself or my husband want children.

I have some friends who moan all the time since they had children, who seem to hate it, who tell me they are jealous of my freedom etc....

I also have some friends who never moan, who seem to enjoy it, and who seem to have a nice life.

Even my friends with children who are enjoying it have very little time for chats on the phone or socialising - but thats their choice so its to be respected.

None of the above are why I dont want children. Im not maternal, I cringe at babies, Im only interested in children when they are old enough to have reasoning skills, I like my life, I value my free time, I have many time consuming things I do that I dont want to give up, I like being me, I like my sleep - no I love my sleep, I like my freedom and my husband feels the same way.

And ultimately - I just never felt the 'I want' about children. I cant think of a reason why Id want to have them, and thats not a good enough reason to have them!!

missyb

Hi, thanks for the great replies, I am not sure what is the right decision for me, but I am definitely glad to hear people are happy with the decisions they have made, more heartening than I expected!

ash23

I'd liken having kids to the hobby/career you mention in your OP.
I'm sure you are tired as a result of doing it on top of your regular job, I'm sure you like a break away from it, I'm sure it takes away slightly from your level of freedom as your spare time is spent on it, I'm sure it causes you stress and anguish at times. In other words, it has it's downsides.

But you love it. It's rewarding and you enjoy it overall. You get a sense of satisfaction and achievement and pride from it. Now imagine that job that you love so much, loved you back, like you have never been loved before. That it could tell you every day and hug you and give you kisses and make you break your heart laughing at it. That every time it stressed you out it would do something that made you realise it was worth it. That's what being a parent is in my experience. A series of fantastic moments, punctuated by stress and tiredness but overall, pretty good

You can be perfectly happy without having kids too OP. Don't get me wrong. i know people who don't have them and are happy with that choice. It wouldn't be my choice but that's who I am. And you need to decide for yourself what you want.

magrat

I've never been where you are op. I always knew inside me that at one point in my life i would be a mother. So I never faced those questions.

In answer to you - yes it is hard. And often boring. And difficult and stressful and costly! But yet you will notice that people not only do it once for a child, they do it again and again!

The difficult times pass with children, the lack of freedom is only a passing thing, the boredom too can be a passing thing ... well for most of us anyway!

But at the end of the day - if there is nothing inside you telling you that you want to be a parent - maybe its not something that can be decided without an emotional level?

I never saw anything better described as the way ash23 did with compairing your hobby to having children. Maybe think of it that way?

Mr Magners

I think you need to discuss this again with your partner. I think he's being unfair leaving you to make the decision. He's said that you can decide whether or not ye (not just you) have a child. That's a massive decision to have on young shoulders.

I have one small one at home she's 2 and a bit and hasn't slept a night since she was born so I'm in a constant state of exhaustion but I never think of that when I'm playing on the floor with her and she's in stitches laughing. It's difficult on the other hand when comparing stories with other parents not to focus on the sleepless nights and the tiredness, human nature I suppose.

So to sum up, I'm exhausted but she is by far and away the best thing that's ever happened to me, don't make any decisions now, you've years ahead of you to have kids.

Mary28

I've seen a lot of posts of this sort lately, about kids being nightmares etc and it's starting to annoy me. No offence to you but having a child completely changes your life. Yes your social life all but disappears, your finances are detrimently affected, you may have virtually no "me" time for years and if your husband is not much help then it's all left to you and it's pretty intense.
I have 2 children. My husband is abroad a lot for work so I'm on my own a lot. I was 34 having my 1st and 36 having my 2nd. I'm planning on a 3rd asap. I'm exhausted a lot of the time and simple things like grocery shopping or even just leaving the house can be very difficult at times but I want these children. I had my 2 decades of drink & whatever else and I was ready for them. I don't resent them for a second. I don't try to pawn them off on anyone else and I don't have any family living with 100 miles so I couldn't anyway. The best and only reason to have children is because you want them. Don't think for a second that your life will carry on as before and you can work late and go shopping when you feel like it cos you can't. But it's something you must be ready for.
My children are the best things that ever happened to me. I'm so proud of them and can't believe 2 such beautiful things emerged from myself and my husband. I don't envy anyone their freedom (although I do miss hours of unrushed shopping and sleepins), I was ready for my children.

TommyTippee

is mise astra wrote: »

From my experience the people who find parenting extremely hard and dont enjoy it had previous to been a parent had had ample disposable income, would have had extremely busy social lives, lots of breaks away holidays and availed of lots of things (cleaners, eating out ect) that would have made their lives easier also (again this is just from my experiences) this type of people were takers rather than givers would look for lots of favours but never around when needed by family or friends, in essence they were selfish.

Not sure about this point. I had all this before I became a parent, but I knew full well what I would be giving up for the child. Those who don't consider what life is going to be like are the ones who suffer I reckon, the ones who think they can continue their old lifestyle.

I think there are two paths that can be taken whether you have or don't have children, and each an be as enjoyable and rewarding as the other.

However both are paths than cannot be retraced ten years down the line, so choose carefully OP!!

ash23

It's also worth noting that as they get older it gets much easier. I have a really good social life, some child friendly and some not so much

I go to gigs, I go out for meals (with and without my child). She hates shopping but so do I so that's fine! I got pregnant as a student so never had the holidays, disposable income etc anyway.

I also don't like this frame of mind of "pawning off the children". My daughter spends a fair amount of time with me and without me. My parents adore her and my exs mother adores her. They are always looking for her to come visit and it means me driving her there (and it's a long drive) when I'd rather be chilling out at home with her. But I do it and sometimes I do it because it suits me and I want a free weekend.
I don't force her on anyone who doesn't want her and while I dote on her, I like my own time too.

I don't like the idea that people would say I was pawning her off or look at me in a negative light because of that. Or assume I don't like being a parent.

missyb

Hey interesting points from everyone, yeah I think I already know that my life would change drastically and thats what is bothering me, that I have that realisation already (as in I would have to give up my passion) as opposed to the ""shock" of having a kid that some people have described to me. I do also think you either want them or not, I think I wish I did want one much more than I do but just cant seem to get there.

Also just to clarify, I really dont think that wanting a break or having someone take your kids for a while is "pawning" your kids off at all, everyone needs some help and a break. I just was referring to an extreme case in my post, trust me.

Also in relation to my partner, honestly he isnt just leaving it up to me,I know it came across that way. I think he would gladly accept being a dad however he isnt mad to have kids, he is the same as me really. Basically it wouldnt be deal breaker in the relationship either way, we are both similar in that way thankfully, he is a great partner and has said that he believes having children takes so much more out of woman than men (he is refferring to the physical aspects ie pregnancy possible breast feeding, recovery, perhaps children at the early stages clinging more to the mam,) so in that sense he says he is happy no matter what happens. We probably sound kind of odd, but at least we are suited! Again glad to see people have no regrets, since as a poster stated you cant retrace the paths once choosen........

Dudess

I don't think it's always a case of people either want them or don't - I think it can sometimes be a case of "Yeah I'd love kids... but..." or "No I don't want to have kids... but..." It's not one of those things where the answer is "Any doubt at all, don't do it" because nearly everyone knows there are gonna be changes, not all particularly welcome, yet still worth it. It really is a catch 22 for some. OP, just do lots and lots of research - speak to as many parents as possible. Do remember not all parenting experiences are the same. In general, what I've picked up is that it can indeed be hard, but the good bits make up, sometimes more than make up, for the tougher bits. Obvious I know, but that does seem to be the general consensus.

TommyTippee wrote: »

Not sure about this point. I had all this before I became a parent, but I knew full well what I would be giving up for the child. Those who don't consider what life is going to be like are the ones who suffer I reckon, the ones who think they can continue their old lifestyle.

Yeah, to have all those things doesn't make one selfish - just because some selfish people have them. Some unselfish people have them too.

Mary28 wrote: »

I've seen a lot of posts of this sort lately, about kids being nightmares etc

I don't know whether there are that many comments that the kids themselves are a nightmare, moreso aspects of the parenting experience.

username123

Dudess wrote: »

In general, what I've picked up is that it can indeed be hard, but the good bits make up, sometimes more than make up, for the tougher bits.

Ive never really been able to understand this - as Ive never been able to see what the good bits are.

I think thats one of the reasons Im sure I dont want to have children, people tell me about the look their child gives them, or the joy they feel about some achievement or other and Im like 'meh' - it just doesnt do it for me - or I somehow dont relate to it? Im not sure which. Then I hear the 'its different when its your own' - but I really dont know if it would be!!

I feel a bit like Dexter around babies or children, I know the things Im supposed to be saying, I understand the social norms on how I am to behave - but to me its all just below the radar and Ive no interest at all. Its almost like I dont even 'see' children unless its to register annoyance if they are screaming or something. Hence my only association when I think of children is disinterest or that they are annoying.
I do wonder do other people feel this way or am I just weird.

ash23

username123 wrote: »

Ive never really been able to understand this - as Ive never been able to see what the good bits are.

I think thats one of the reasons Im sure I dont want to have children, people tell me about the look their child gives them, or the joy they feel about some achievement or other and Im like 'meh' - it just doesnt do it for me - or I somehow dont relate to it? Im not sure which. Then I hear the 'its different when its your own' - but I really dont know if it would be!!

I feel a bit like Dexter around babies or children, I know the things Im supposed to be saying, I understand the social norms on how I am to behave - but to me its all just below the radar and Ive no interest at all. Its almost like I dont even 'see' children unless its to register annoyance if they are screaming or something. Hence my only association when I think of children is disinterest or that they are annoying.
I do wonder do other people feel this way or am I just weird.

I find other peoples children annoying. Hell, I find my own annoying but I put up with her lol.
I don't know if I'd ever have chosen to have kids as I never had any interest in them but it was taken out of my hands somewhat. And now that I know, I'd would want more. However I hate the baby/toddler stage. I liked being pregnant and having a new born. But I found 6 months to about 3 years tedious enough. I loved her and all but it was dull I felt.

I'm not going to say "oooh have them, you'll feel different when they're your own". I do think if you did have one, you would find it different. However, that doesn't mean you should have one. If it doesn't interest you then it doesn't interest you
Hope that makes sense!

CathyMoran

My husband and I had the life of being able to go to Portugal and have a nice holiday and we went to Paris on our anniversary but we felt that we were missing being guardians to new people and watching them grow into adults - we both always wanted children. As it turns out we had a really hard time trying to have them but while it is a different life it is still a good life - we have a daugher who was born June 1st and a son who is only 14 months old - knowing that this is our lot has made me feel more relaxed with her though having them so close together has been tough physically I also have to pinch myself as I am so greatful for them, they are great children. No, we are not going out to pubs and yes our lives are family centered but we love that. Having said that, we have finally found a baby sitter and plan on having a romantic meal out in about a month, I would not have done that when our son was so young. We are a completed family.

Daisy M

CathyMoran wrote: »

My husband and I had the life of being able to go to Portugal and have a nice holiday and we went to Paris on our anniversary but we felt that we were missing being guardians to new people and watching them grow into adults - we both always wanted children. As it turns out we had a really hard time trying to have them but while it is a different life it is still a good life - we have a daugher who was born June 1st and a son who is only 14 months old - knowing that this is our lot has made me feel more relaxed with her though having them so close together has been tough physically I also have to pinch myself as I am so greatful for them, they are great children. No, we are not going out to pubs and yes our lives are family centered but we love that. Having said that, we have finally found a baby sitter and plan on having a romantic meal out in about a month, I would not have done that when our son was so young. We are a completed family.

Thats lovely Cathy congrats on your new addition!! Enjoy your meal out you deserve it!

LegacyUser

Well had my first kid at 36.5yrs, birth was on a scale of 8/10. What happened nxt I never dreamed wud happen, he was very sick to the point of maybe he wud pull thru, in ICU for a mth, bring him home for isolation for 2 mths................and thankfully 3 yrs on, he is in ok health all considering, I work 4 days a week, its hard going as I have no help with babysitting so he's my life, dad is just about in picture as he cudnt cope well at what happened but does call to see him when he can. Its hard and sometimes I look at him and think "why who anyone want a kid"


Sorry prob all seem so negitive but its tough going unless you have a full support team to back you up.

I tink alot of people tink they need to have a kid just because they tink its the womanly thing too do.

Tink deep and hard about having a kid. Best of luck

TommyTippee

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm wrote: »

Well had my first kid at 36.5yrs, birth was on a scale of 8/10. What happened nxt I never dreamed wud happen, he was very sick to the point of maybe he wud pull thru, in ICU for a mth, bring him home for isolation for 2 mths................and thankfully 3 yrs on, he is in ok health all considering, I work 4 days a week, its hard going as I have no help with babysitting so he's my life, dad is just about in picture as he cudnt cope well at what happened but does call to see him when he can. Its hard and sometimes I look at him and think "why who anyone want a kid"


Sorry prob all seem so negitive but its tough going unless you have a full support team to back you up.

I tink alot of people tink they need to have a kid just because they tink its the womanly thing too do.

Tink deep and hard about having a kid. Best of luck

"think"

missyb

Wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, so impressed with the honesty I have encountered here, both the good and the bad. Hmmm, I am really sorry you and your child had to go through that, I cant imagine having a sick child. Cathy thats a lovely story and it so nice to hear about a relaxed and happy parent, to be honest I havent seen that first hand myself. Alot of the younger parents in my life seem to really struggle by their own admission and these are people I would have thought as being very together and organised compared to me anyhow.

I also think for a few reasons, I might struggle a bit with conception if I went down that road (I can have kids though). Ash23, I think if I had a kid, i would probabley wirte a post very similiar to your, toddlers are the stage that I fear the most! I dont mind babies so much, still like username123 I often wonder about the good parts, if it is all worth it for a smile or a hug ect. maybe you have to have kids to understand.I am also at a cross roads career wise, where my hobby potentially, if I am lucky, could become a career of sorts, however having children throws this out the window due to its nature. But I have been given food for thought here certainly.

The Rook

TommyTippee wrote: »

"think"

Don't be a tool TommyTippee

After Hmmmmmmmmm gives realistic and heartfelt advice you pick up on a spelling mistake .... good job champ, good job.

Mr Magners

missyb wrote: »

Wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, so impressed with the honesty I have encountered here, both the good and the bad. Hmmm, I am really sorry you and your child had to go through that, I cant imagine having a sick child. Cathy thats a lovely story and it so nice to hear about a relaxed and happy parent, to be honest I havent seen that first hand myself. Alot of the younger parents in my life seem to really struggle by their own admission and these are people I would have thought as being very together and organised compared to me anyhow.

I also think for a few reasons, I might struggle a bit with conception if I went down that road (I can have kids though). Ash23, I think if I had a kid, i would probabley wirte a post very similiar to your, toddlers are the stage that I fear the most! I dont mind babies so much, still like username123 I often wonder about the good parts, if it is all worth it for a smile or a hug ect. maybe you have to have kids to understand.I am also at a cross roads career wise, where my hobby potentially, if I am lucky, could become a career of sorts, however having children throws this out the window due to its nature. But I have been given food for thought here certainly.

I keep coming back to this thread and I'm wondering something all of the time.

Why do you feel that you have to give up your hobby/interest/potential career completely? You'll have your partner to back you up so surely you can manage to combine being the mother you want to be with continuing the work you love so much with the help of your partner. You'll need a distraction at times to clear your head so why not continue with it.

borderlinemeath

I'm older than you OP and still don't know whether or not we should have children - or even one child. I'm 37 so my clock is ticking ever faster and to be honest that is the only reason why it's in our heads.

We have a good life, not a huge social life as in we don't go out drinking all the time but it would curtail our holidays, hobbies and general socialising.

I have no maternal urge (yet), except for my biological clock. I like handing other peoples kids back to them. Same for my partner, neither of us have the inclination to be parents just yet. We both had unconventional/not altogether happy childhoods and feel that this seems to be the obstacle. We both experienced trauma in different ways and it doesn't make for happy memories.

I love my sleep. I have friends who have kids who will not sleep through the night at 5years of age, same friend hasn't slept in the same bed as her husband in 3 years. I know every experience is different but it doesn't help to hear the horror stories.

We are "comfortable", not well off by any means but not on the breadline either but know there will be financial constraints if we have children. And in the current climate it's even scarier.

Nobody can answer your question but yourself, and to be honest time is still on your side so plenty of time still to ponder.

missyb

Mr Magners wrote: »

I keep coming back to this thread and I'm wondering something all of the time.

Why do you feel that you have to give up your hobby/interest/potential career completely? You'll have your partner to back you up so surely you can manage to combine being the mother you want to be with continuing the work you love so much with the help of your partner. You'll need a distraction at times to clear your head so why not continue with it.

Hi just to respond to this, which is an interesting point, I feel this way based on the facts around the support network I have.

My partner is self employed, this means he work long hours and weekends, its no 9-5. He was made redundant and started his own business but it is a slow burner and will take plenty of time to build.
I am not geographically that close to my parents or family, even if I was though, the parents are getting on and find it hard to manage minding the grand kids they have when they are asked. Also a sibling took severe advantage of my parents as regards childminding previously (its a long story), my mum during this time got sick so I know my dad would be very releuctant to have that happen again, which is only fair and right.

My partners dad still works and has to travel with it, and his mum is not in good health. They could help occassionally but not something that could be banked on. I know there are baby sitters ect. but money would also be quite a factor for us, we are not well off. So when I say that, I suppose I am just trying to be as realistic as possible about what a child means for me if I was to go down that road. They say nowadays that apprantly women can have it all,but I just dont think this is the case in reality

CathyMoran

We do not have any support network either (my mother is dying and my mother in law has terminal cancer) and both my husband and I suffer from extreme bad health, we do not drink, smoke or go out so to speak but we still have fun in seeing what our children are doing - having an interest in food shopping...ok, maybe we sound boring but we treasure our family and appreciate what we have and try and save for our children - we are a little unit and we laugh a lot. I think that the spin that you put on things helps, OK, I may be still in the glow from just having my daugher but it has been great fun watching our son grow up too.

I am a friend

OP I am 39 and recently, to my total surprise, found out I was pregnant (without trying). You hear so much negative press about trying to get pg in you late 30's that I had given up hope of ever being in this position, however, I am 12 weeks pg now and am scared stiff so its just as well nature took over as I dont know if I would ever have the nerve to make a conscious decision to try.

I had / have a great life. Eating out, great social life, fab holidays etc and I am worried that having my first baby at 40 (almost) will be such a life change that I wont adapt well. A friend of mine had twins at 41 and she was very depressed and stressed afterwards... Some of my friends have kids and a lot dont so there will be a vibrant social aspect to be missed..

The flip side of this is that before I met my OH (and even after) I was worried I would never have kids. My only sibling passed away this year and I am (I feel) now on my own. I did my will up after their passing and realised I had no one to leave anything to if my parents were not around (OH and I not married). I guess the way you could look at it is long term. Firstly, I am so delighted that this baby is on the way as it will be the saving of my parents who are heartbroken. I now realise the importance of family and am very excited of the prospect of having my own family and doing my very best to raise a healthy and happy child. The socialising and holidays etc now seem to much less important and the pleasure that family brings seems so vital.

Children bring joy and all going well, we will have a new addition to our Xmas day on what would have been (and still will be) a very lonely day for all.

I am nto sure if I am making sense... A lot of what I say is conflicting but I feel conflicted. I see so many pro's to my situation and yet I worry about losing my life as it stood. I guess I will just have to see how it goes at the time. At the bottom of it all though, I would rather be in this position than not...

Dudess

username123 wrote: »

Ive never really been able to understand this - as Ive never been able to see what the good bits are.

The overwhelming feeling of love for the ickle one must be pretty amazing. Watching the child grow, witnessing them do funny stuff, when they reciprocate their parents' love, knowing that this mini person came from you, etc.

chloek

only you can make this decision but nothing compares to holding your little bundle of joy for the first time. No one know how they will feel until it happens to them.

It is not all plain sailing but there will be more good days than bad days.

my sister never wanted kids and at 34 found herself pregnant, she was shocked and it was totally unplanned. Six years later and baby number 4 on the way.
She took to motherhood like a duck to water, never stresses about things unlike me.