Death of a child

LegacyUser

Neighbours of mine recently lost a very young child suddenly and it has really affected me since I saw the child in the coffin at the removal from the house. It really upset and disturbed me deeply, possibly that I have a child the exact same age. I saw the grief of the parents and the image of the child in the coffin with his toys around him, I honestly don't think I will ever forget it.

The problem I have is that I don't really know the people too well, my wife would be old school pals with them but I feel really compelled to do something to help out in someway. Just something that might make things a little easier for them but not to be too intrusive. I'm pretty shy and just pass a polite "hello" when I passed them on the road before this awful event.

I just feel so so sorry for them and was wondering if anyone had any suggestions of a kind gesture that I could make.

Regards.

How awful. Bloody hell.

If I were you, I'd maybe just knock in with a card, or maybe some food, my neighbours did that for me, and I was very glad they did. meant so much to me, there wasnt much that they could do obviously, but the gesture meant the world to me.
Just let them you you feel for them, and if there was anything they needed, to let you know.

Thats really all you can do.

Best of luck to you.

J

Doogieboogie

Jake1 wrote: »

How awful. Bloody hell.

If I were you, I'd maybe just knock in with a card, or maybe some food, my neighbours did that for me, and I was very glad they did. meant so much to me, there wasnt much that they could do obviously, but the gesture meant the world to me.
Just let them you you feel for them, and if there was anything they needed, to let you know.

Thats really all you can do.

Best of luck to you.

J

^^^ This

Also, a lot of people say ''if there's anything I can do'', but not many do anything! In the coming weeks and months, they'll be buried in grief, but keep letting them know you're there for them - they'll be grateful that you have kept up contact. If you have their mobile no, text them from time to time, just to let them know you are thinking of them, and if they ever want to pop in for a cuppa or a drink, or want you to pop round that you'd be delighted. The important thing is not to let contact tail off. Offer them practical stuff as well, ask if they need anything in the shops, or if they need anything done, and tell them not to be shy about asking, that you'd be more than happy to help out.

Another important thing is the importance of letting them talk, without showing that you are uncomfortable and without invalidating their feelings, no matter how ''out there'' you think they are. Bereaved people need to go over and over their story, and they need an ear to do so. Very often, the person listening finds it too uncomfortable - they are desperately sad, they are angry, or it is a little too close to home for them. The death of a child is awful, and as you have a child the same age, it may be uncomfortable for you to hear about the details of their child's death, but they need to say it, so get comfortable with listening to it. I found after my husband passed away, that people didn't want to know about how lonely I felt, or that I felt that I'd never remarry - they rushed to assure me that I would, that I'd meet someone else and be happy. That hurt. I still feel the same way now, and people are still saying the same things - they are totally invalidating how I feel, because they can't bear to think of me as a lonely widow. I needed them to hear me, to really hear what I was saying, and to acknowledge it. You may find that your neighbours don't ever say this stuff to you, but if they do, let them say it. It's more important that they say it and you hear it than whether you agree with it or not.

I know I was, and still am, grateful to all my friends and family for helping me through the last 16 months. My cousins organised a fortnightly meet up, we go to the cinema or for a few drinks, my friends all make sure to include me in their social plans. At first I refused as I couldn't cope, but they kept the invitations coming, and for that I was grateful. One last thing - if you are inviting them out, or offering assistance, or even chatting, be mindful of the fact that simple things in your child's life can be hard to bear for them - birthdays, start of school, etc. You can't hide that stuff away, but make sure that you let them know that you're aware that it's hard for them.

All of the above sounds like a lot, but it's stuff that I was grateful for. You may find that they never talk to you about any of it, but letting them know that you care and are thinking about them is more helpful than you'll know.

banie01

I'm sorry you are taking this so hard, and also very sorry for the loss your neighbours have experienced.
I was going to post about 'making the effort' and just doing some small thing to help out if you can.
But DoogieBoogie and Jake1 covered all my points more eloquontly than I would!
+1 Doogie and Jake on the great advice that unfortunately comes with experience

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the responses.

I will drop in and cut their grass or do something practical. Just something.

It chilled me to the core to see the child in a coffin. So young with rosary beads wrapped around his hands and the parents just standing there numb.

Thanks anyway.

banie01

banie01 wrote: »

I'm sorry you are taking this so hard, and also very sorry for the loss your neighbours have experienced.
I was going to post about 'making the effort' and just doing some small thing to help out if you can.
But DoogieBoogie and Jake1 covered all my points more eloquontly than I would!
+1 Doogie and Jake on the great advice that unfortunately comes with experience

I think you did well yourself there too Thanks.

LegacyUser

Ok they'll appreciate it greatly if you support them in any way simply a card will mean a lot, particularly if you've already sent one.
However do not burden them with ur personal upset. The last thing they need is to console you cause you were upset about what you saw. Use other support for that.
Also don't bother putting yourself in their position - live in the now let it teach you to be more grateful and loving to your own children.

marymcg

Jake1 wrote: »

there wasnt much that they could do obviously, but the gesture meant the world to me.
Just let them you you feel for them, and if there was anything they needed, to let you know.
J

I agree with you Banie01.
Great advice from Jake1 and Doogieboogie, especially above, I find the gestures very heartwarming. There is a lot of goodwill out there.

carlybabe1

unregistered wrote: »

Neighbours of mine recently lost a very young child suddenly and it has really affected me since I saw the child in the coffin at the removal from the house. It really upset and disturbed me deeply, possibly that I have a child the exact same age. I saw the grief of the parents and the image of the child in the coffin with his toys around him, I honestly don't think I will ever forget it.

The problem I have is that I don't really know the people too well, my wife would be old school pals with them but I feel really compelled to do something to help out in someway. Just something that might make things a little easier for them but not to be too intrusive. I'm pretty shy and just pass a polite "hello" when I passed them on the road before this awful event.

I just feel so so sorry for them and was wondering if anyone had any suggestions of a kind gesture that I could make.

Regards.

when my son died, it was the isolation i couldnt deal with. for example, people didnt know whether to invite me to bdays/communions/christenings as they were not sure how or what would happen, which somewhat offended me and made me feel like the spectre at the feast/elephant in the room.
Also,people are human, and they needed a break away from the grief, and even though i resented it, i knew what i was resenting was thier ability to walk away, where I will never be able to do that.
All i can say is text/call on a regular occasion, invite them for meals etc, but most importantly, unless you really are willing to listen to them, thier grief, and thier sometimes soul baring honesty, do NOT volunteer your time and then take away thier only vent