Children who won't sleep

LegacyUser

Myself and my husband have just woken from another night of bad sleep, both in bad form and barely sleeping while our 8yr old son sleeps happily in our bed. I am so sick of this routine and would love if someone could advise what we can do.
We are in rented accomodation, having sold our home a couple of years ago. Our son was 6 when we moved and as we lived in a one bed apartment, always slept in our room (in his own bed). We now live in a 3bed - I suppose when we moved here over 2yrs ago, things were pretty stressful for our family and I will hold my hands up and say that I allowed (and almost encouraged) our son to sleep in our bed with us - things weren't great between my husband and I without going into too much detail, it suited both of us that we had our little one in the bed with us.
So roll on two years and we have done everything we can possibly think of to get him into his own room. We initially decorated his room in his favourite cartoon character, bought a new single bed. That didn't work so we bought him bunks, and he had many sleepovers with friends in there. That didn't work and we have recently bought him a small double bed and decorated his room. We have tried all the supernanny tricks. We have used some herbal drops in water.
Bedtime routine is normal for a child his age - sometimes bath/shower, no tv for at least an hour before bed, then myself or hubby will read him a book and it seems like he's dozing off. We'll hear nothing for about an hour and then the shouting down the stairs begins. He gets very upset, often crying and getting headaches and saying he just can't sleep on his own. We have spent hours night after night going up and down the stairs to him to help him, lying beside him...by about 11, we have both had enough and tell him to get into our bed, where he is asleep in about 10 minutes.

Last night was the usual routine - I'll argue with him on his way to school this morning, telling him this can't continue...but in my heart I know it will until he himself figures out that he's too old for this.

I have seen may 'sleep' websites but few of them tackle this problem - for what its worth, he was a bad sleeper as a younger child and woke every 4hrs for a bottle for about 18 months.

By the way, we have also ignored his shouting down the stairs completely and nothing seems to work. its like the child genuinely cannot go asleep unless he's in our bed. It's at the point where my stress levels begin to rise as I get in from work at 6pm as I know how our evening is going to go.

Has anyone gone through this and can you help us?

Daisy M

Hi just wondering if it is possible for you and hubby to sleep in a different room. Basically let your lttle fellow into your bed, let him fall asleep and dont join him in there go sleep in a different room, and as ye already have a double bed this should be easy enough. You could also try getting your husband to lift him back into his own bed after he falls asleep in yours, as ultimately this is a habit and the only thing that will break it is time and peseverance, the longer ye keep giving into him the more determined he will get as he is learning that eventually ye will cave in to him.

flutterflye

We are a house of terrible sleepers!
Me being the worst!

Anytime we have this problem, we have managed it through super strict routine.
Starting no more less than an hour before bedtime.

First off - What time is his bedtime?
Maybe he needs a later bedtime? (30 minute / hour)

What is keeping him awake?
Over stimulation?
Under stimulation?
Stress/worry?
Brightness?

Over stimulation - long calm down routine before bed
Under stimulation - get him out and doing more during the day
Stress/worry - teach techniques to deal with this
Too bright - black out blinds

Dinner no later than 5,
Plenty of exercise during day,
Room calm and clutter free.

Then in order to actually get asleep (following the hour of relaxation time with music, books, colouring etc..),
If he can't just fall asleep in the usual manner, maybe try something I personally find useful? - Doing some monotonous, unstimulating activity for him to do in bed.

I do word games on my laptop, but absolutely anything will suffice.
It needs to be something somewhat repetitive, not too hard or easy, something not too exiting or boring.
So maybe a word search book, or something like that?

Or have you tried just Mozart on cd?

LegacyUser

flutterflye wrote: »

First off - What time is his bedtime?
Maybe he needs a later bedtime? (30 minute / hour)

What is keeping him awake?
Over stimulation?
Under stimulation?
Stress/worry?
Brightness?

Over stimulation - long calm down routine before bed
Under stimulation - get him out and doing more during the day
Stress/worry - teach techniques to deal with this
Too bright - black out blinds

Dinner no later than 5,
Plenty of exercise during day,
Room calm and clutter free.

Then in order to actually get asleep (following the hour of relaxation time with music, books, colouring etc..),
If he can't just fall asleep in the usual manner, maybe try something I personally find useful? - Doing some monotonous, unstimulating activity for him to do in bed.

I do word games on my laptop, but absolutely anything will suffice.
It needs to be something somewhat repetitive, not too hard or easy, something not too exiting or boring.
So maybe a word search book, or something like that?

Or have you tried just Mozart on cd?

Thanks for this - the thing is, when he goes to sleep, he actually sleeps all night! he just seems to have a mental block with actually 'going' to sleep. It's like he works himself up into a tizzy...

To answer some of your questions above;

What time is his bedtime? 8.30 - 9ish - this is late enough for an 8yr old I believe
Maybe he needs a later bedtime? (30 minute / hour)

What is keeping him awake? The fact that he's not in our bed
Over stimulation? This could be a factor as although I ensure he doesn't watch tv for at least an hour before bedtime, he might often be on his DS or the laptop
Under stimulation? I don't think it's this - he spends the day outdoors (after school) playing football or other outdoor activities
Stress/worry? - Stress and worry about the fact he's not in our bed (he's quite a laid back child, doesn't seem very 'deep' at all!)
Brightness? This one makes me laugh. In his own room, he has black-out blinds, and prefers his light off with just the landing light on, so that he can see some light. In our room, he prefers to sleep with no lights on at all...even when we're not there but he of course knows we'll be coming to bed soon

I fought with him this morning on the way to schoool and now I'm pretty upset as I hate sending him to school like this. I just get so annoyed with him when he wakes up knowing he got his way again, while myself and his dad are exhausted...

Is mise astra - the bed in his room is a small double and wouldn't be comfortable enough for both of us. We have thought about that, but then wondered how long that routine would have to continue until we got our bed back!! I'm at a loss....

January

I think the only way you'll get him sleeping in his own bed is old fashioned tough love... let him cry, moan, whinge that he's not in your bed and ignore it. It may go on for hours the first night, but he'll eventually wear himself out and go asleep. The trick is not to crack before he does. If he says he has a head ache, give him a pain killer and leave him to it again.

Willpower is the key here, you and your husband are the adults and he is the child, he can't control you like this and if he wins then he'll probably try it with other things as he gets older.

LegacyUser

January wrote: »

I think the only way you'll get him sleeping in his own bed is old fashioned tough love... let him cry, moan, whinge that he's not in your bed and ignore it. It may go on for hours the first night, but he'll eventually wear himself out and go asleep. The trick is not to crack before he does. If he says he has a head ache, give him a pain killer and leave him to it again.

Willpower is the key here, you and your husband are the adults and he is the child, he can't control you like this and if he wins then he'll probably try it with other things as he gets older.

I HONESTLY have tried this - the longest time went on for 8 nights..we caved on the 9th and so began the pattern again. I find it very hard to do this during the week with school of course - because he really doesn't get to sleep until after 11 if he's left in his own bed...there are nights I don't bother of course, and just let him into our bed at 8.30, when he's asleep by 9.
He is not stubborn in any other part of his life - if he asks for goodies and I say no, he doesn't perservere - If he asks to play his DS and I say no, he just shrugs and plays something else. He's generally a pretty easy going child (a typical boy)...

But this is almost becoming a medical issue with him - he builds himself up into such a tizzy that he can't sleep...I was thinking of going to my gp with him, would she laugh at me? Do doctors prescribe something to help kids sleep at this age????

January

sleepless nights wrote: »

I HONESTLY have tried this - the longest time went on for 8 nights..we caved on the 9th and so began the pattern again. I find it very hard to do this during the week with school of course - because he really doesn't get to sleep until after 11 if he's left in his own bed...there are nights I don't bother of course, and just let him into our bed at 8.30, when he's asleep by 9.
He is not stubborn in any other part of his life - if he asks for goodies and I say no, he doesn't perservere - If he asks to play his DS and I say no, he just shrugs and plays something else. He's generally a pretty easy going child (a typical boy)...

But this is almost becoming a medical issue with him - he builds himself up into such a tizzy that he can't sleep...I was thinking of going to my gp with him, would she laugh at me? Do doctors prescribe something to help kids sleep at this age????

You still caved, which means he won.... I'm not sure a doctor would prescribe something, you said yourself that if he gets into your bed he's asleep by nine whereas if he's in his own he won't go to sleep til past eleven... so he's no problems sleeping...

BostonB

Sleep in his bed?

hoodwinked

BostonB wrote: »

Sleep in his bed?

i agree with this what happens when you sleep in his bed? does he want to sleep there with you?

also i don't know how heavy an 8 year old boy would be but could you lift him back to his own bed once he's sound asleep in yours?

maybe a few mornings waking up in his own bed might make him want to sleep there.

flutterflye

sleepless nights wrote: »

Thanks for this - the thing is, when he goes to sleep, he actually sleeps all night! he just seems to have a mental block with actually 'going' to sleep. It's like he works himself up into a tizzy...

To answer some of your questions above;

What time is his bedtime? 8.30 - 9ish - this is late enough for an 8yr old I believe
Maybe he needs a later bedtime? (30 minute / hour)

What is keeping him awake? The fact that he's not in our bed
Over stimulation? This could be a factor as although I ensure he doesn't watch tv for at least an hour before bedtime, he might often be on his DS or the laptop
Under stimulation? I don't think it's this - he spends the day outdoors (after school) playing football or other outdoor activities
Stress/worry? - Stress and worry about the fact he's not in our bed (he's quite a laid back child, doesn't seem very 'deep' at all!)
Brightness? This one makes me laugh. In his own room, he has black-out blinds, and prefers his light off with just the landing light on, so that he can see some light. In our room, he prefers to sleep with no lights on at all...even when we're not there but he of course knows we'll be coming to bed soon

I fought with him this morning on the way to schoool and now I'm pretty upset as I hate sending him to school like this. I just get so annoyed with him when he wakes up knowing he got his way again, while myself and his dad are exhausted...

Is mise astra - the bed in his room is a small double and wouldn't be comfortable enough for both of us. We have thought about that, but then wondered how long that routine would have to continue until we got our bed back!! I'm at a loss....

Okay, first thing I notice is "8:30/9ish" - No, he needs a set time.

Let's just say it's 9 for the time being.
So then at 8pm (latest) - no telly, computer, running, hyper games etc..
Have him in a quiet room (classical or soothing music okay) where he can do quiet activities such as reading, colouring, puzzles etc..
At 8:35 exactly (or whatever predetermined time you decide) start bedtime routine in same order - including wash face, brush teeth, brush hair, pj's on, and into bed at 9pm on the dot or a bit earlier.
Then a story, song, kiss, cuddle, whatever.

If you want to leave him with relaxing music or nighttime monotonous activity that's fine, but that's it.

He misses your bed - what can you do about this?
Photo of you and husband beside bed?
Blanket or toy that smells of you?

Can you have the bed warm and cosy for when he gets into it? With a hot water bottle or something?

Does he go to sleep if you are quietly sitting there beside his bed while drifts off?

Edited to add: Also if you are putting him to bed and not staying with him while he falls asleep, for the first while, check on him every 10 minutes exactly, tapering it off over a few weeks.
Have a clock so he can see, and say you will be up to check on him at (insert time), and set an alarm to ensure you do, and keep doing this until he's asleep.
After a few days, do it every 15 mins, and so on.

BostonB

An 8 is just about movable if you're fit, no back issues etc. If one of the kids gets into our bed one of us moves to their bed, to get a full nights sleep. Once you've got some sleep back, you can renew the battle. Hes obviously too comfortable in your bed, and prefers it over his own. And/or he wants company. Ours use a radio and a low light on.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for input, it's really helping me. To answer a few questions...

We did the sleeping in his bed thing - one or other of us would get out of our bed..but we now feel he really IS old enough to understand that this just isn't on anymore and that we aren't moving from our bed when he has a perfectly comfortable bed in his own room! We did the softly-softly approach with him for months at the start - all reward charts etc and it didn't work. We are now just angry with him - he is quite mature for his age and understands alot of other issues, why not this one? On really bad nights, I have threatened to tell his teacher (I know that's awful, but I lose the head with him after a few nights of this!)...he knows this causes great tension between myself and his dad too, which doesn't help.

You are right (january) of course that his problem is not sleeping. It seems to be a comfort-factor at bedtime. He is not a clingy child in any other part of his life - he is minded by a childminder after school, has great friends, stays outdoors playing most of the time and so on. If he was at all clingy, this would make more sense to me, but he's quite independent of us on a daily basis...

I like that routine you've described flutterflye - and I'll give it a try tonight. Perhaps I'm the one needs to go to her GP for something to relax me !!

CrazyRabbit

Have you tried getting him a really big teddy bear? Something to cuddle in bed can be quite comforting.

Bet really...tough love might be the only answer. He's really going to have to realise that it's not appropriate for someone his age sleeping in his parents bed.

If you really want to be sneaky...then you need to 'sour the milk'. Make staying in your bed uncomfortable. Walk him up earlier, use pillows that are too firm, "poke n' prod" at him, keeping waking him up etc (on weekends). He'll soon realise it's more comfortable to stay in his own bed.

dan_d

sleepless nights wrote: »

I HONESTLY have tried this - the longest time went on for 8 nights..we caved on the 9th and so began the pattern again. I find it very hard to do this during the week with school of course - because he really doesn't get to sleep until after 11 if he's left in his own bed...there are nights I don't bother of course, and just let him into our bed at 8.30, when he's asleep by 9.

Look, I'm not a parent, and I know I do post here the odd time, but I don't pretend to be an expert. (do I??!sorry if I do:o)

The sentence in bold - really, what's the worse that will happen if he doesn't get to sleep til after 11 on a school night? He'll be tired and cranky. You'll have trouble getting him up in the morning.

As far as I can see, let him at it. Let him get tired and cranky. Don't give in.Because, to me, it would appear that if he gets tired enough, he'll eventually succumb after enough days have passed, and just fall asleep from exhaustion in his own bed. You only need to break the cycle once. Just once. And maintain that break for a day or two and it should be ok after that. Obviously all in conjunction with the routines described above.

It's like people who freak out coz their child won't eat all their dinner or whatever. What's the worse that'll happen? They'll get hungry. Let them. They'll figure out pretty quick that, if there's no other food forthcoming, they either eat or be hungry. Kids aren't stupid. Sometimes adults are though.

Like I said I'm not a parent, though I would hope to be at some stage in the near-ish future. I did however, have 2 parents who took a very common sense approach to raising 4 children, and who I think did an excellent job on the whole. I'm sorry if I seem a bit rude, it's not intentional. I just think that sometimes using your common sense and keeping it simple is the best solution. For you and him.

BostonB

Making kids so tired they crawl into their own bed, an dother beds/rooms unattractive, is as old as the hills.

LegacyUser

In the cold light of day, all of this seems so clear to me, as it always does but living with it night after night is a completely different scenario. Honestly, if I was reading my first post above this morning (when I woke up pretty annoyed at him again), I would say the same as you dan_d. But at night time, when I'm tired, he's tired, we've both ended up in tears - me crying with frustration and him crying with tiredness.

I'm determined today though - I really have had enough of this. I think it might be easier to deal with if he was a bold kid - but he's not. He's well behaved, eats well, is very social - you could bring him anywhere - I can't remember the last time I chastised him in any serious way...it's just this sleeping that has me demented.

But thanks again - great advice given here - TV switched off at 8pm and bath ready...and I'm determined that tonight is the night it will end....

username123

sleepless nights wrote: »

We'll hear nothing for about an hour and then the shouting down the stairs begins. He gets very upset, often crying and getting headaches and saying he just can't sleep on his own. We have spent hours night after night going up and down the stairs to him to help him, lying beside him...by about 11, we have both had enough and tell him to get into our bed, where he is asleep in about 10 minutes.

Im not a parent, my brother used to do this shouting downstairs thing though - for different reasons.

Anyway, why do you react to the shouting downstairs, crying at all? By the sounds of it he only goes in your bed when you tell him he can, not without you saying so - so can you not just not respond to the attention seeking behaviour and wear ear plugs and tough it out?

Im sorry for sounding harsh, but sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and be tough.

chloek

sleepless nights wrote: »

Myself and my husband have just woken from another night of bad sleep, both in bad form and barely sleeping while our 8yr old son sleeps happily in our bed. I am so sick of this routine and would love if someone could advise what we can do.
We are in rented accomodation, having sold our home a couple of years ago. Our son was 6 when we moved and as we lived in a one bed apartment, always slept in our room (in his own bed). We now live in a 3bed - I suppose when we moved here over 2yrs ago, things were pretty stressful for our family and I will hold my hands up and say that I allowed (and almost encouraged) our son to sleep in our bed with us - things weren't great between my husband and I without going into too much detail, it suited both of us that we had our little one in the bed with us.
So roll on two years and we have done everything we can possibly think of to get him into his own room. We initially decorated his room in his favourite cartoon character, bought a new single bed. That didn't work so we bought him bunks, and he had many sleepovers with friends in there. That didn't work and we have recently bought him a small double bed and decorated his room. We have tried all the supernanny tricks. We have used some herbal drops in water.
Bedtime routine is normal for a child his age - sometimes bath/shower, no tv for at least an hour before bed, then myself or hubby will read him a book and it seems like he's dozing off. We'll hear nothing for about an hour and then the shouting down the stairs begins. He gets very upset, often crying and getting headaches and saying he just can't sleep on his own. We have spent hours night after night going up and down the stairs to him to help him, lying beside him...by about 11, we have both had enough and tell him to get into our bed, where he is asleep in about 10 minutes.

Last night was the usual routine - I'll argue with him on his way to school this morning, telling him this can't continue...but in my heart I know it will until he himself figures out that he's too old for this.

I have seen may 'sleep' websites but few of them tackle this problem - for what its worth, he was a bad sleeper as a younger child and woke every 4hrs for a bottle for about 18 months.

By the way, we have also ignored his shouting down the stairs completely and nothing seems to work. its like the child genuinely cannot go asleep unless he's in our bed. It's at the point where my stress levels begin to rise as I get in from work at 6pm as I know how our evening is going to go.

Has anyone gone through this and can you help us?

It might be better to ignore it for awhile, he might get out of it on his own.
The more you try enforce it the more he will go against it.

Have you considered swapping beds with him, let him have your room.
It's hard for him to break the cycle now and he like the comfort of having ye there.

LegacyUser

I just thought I'd report back after Night One!

So my husband was working late last night and I knew it was just me in the house (I think that helped).
So TV was turned off after one episode of the Simpsons (7.30) and he was sent upstairs to put his pjs on. When he came down, I had paper and crayons out and we drew and coloured until 8.10pm (amazing how therapeutic colouring is for an adult!!! - had forgotten how much I loved it as a child myself). We also played a word game while we were colouring, which was great fun. Warm milk and a slice of toast just before 8.30, and then we went upstairs, to clean teeth/wash face & hands and into bed... I read him 7 chapters of his book, sitting on the edge of his bed, gave him a big teddy, loads of cuddles and down the stairs I went...

I went back up about 9.15 and he was FAST ASLEEP!!!! I am still slightly in shock, but ever so grateful for the tips I got here yesterday. I heaped loads of praise on him this morning and dropped him off to school in great form - with myself in great form coming to work also.

Our bedtime routine has NEVER been so calm. It has been so wrought with tension (that he's obviously picked up on) and the house has been a houseful of shouting night after night for a long time now. I never realised that if I kept calm, and wound him down that it would have such success. I guess we had gotten ourselves into a pretty desperate cycle of tension, almost willing the shouting down the stairs to start so that the shouting could begin...

I do know that last nights positive bedtime routine was the factor in his restful night - however, with my husband in the mix tonight, I am already beginning to feel it might all go askew again. For example, he won't like the tv being switched off at 7.30pm....any more advice on how to handle hubby now? Thanks again for wonderful advice yesterday :-)

BostonB

Buy wireless head phones for the TV.

January

Seriously? Tell your husband that if he wants a good nights sleep the TV will go off at 7.30 until your son goes to bed... if there's something on tv he wants to watch, record it! If he really wants your son to sleep all night then it should be a small sacrifice for the tv to go off for an hour or so in the evening...

flutterflye

sleepless nights wrote: »

I just thought I'd report back after Night One!

So my husband was working late last night and I knew it was just me in the house (I think that helped).
So TV was turned off after one episode of the Simpsons (7.30) and he was sent upstairs to put his pjs on. When he came down, I had paper and crayons out and we drew and coloured until 8.10pm (amazing how therapeutic colouring is for an adult!!! - had forgotten how much I loved it as a child myself). We also played a word game while we were colouring, which was great fun. Warm milk and a slice of toast just before 8.30, and then we went upstairs, to clean teeth/wash face & hands and into bed... I read him 7 chapters of his book, sitting on the edge of his bed, gave him a big teddy, loads of cuddles and down the stairs I went...

I went back up about 9.15 and he was FAST ASLEEP!!!! I am still slightly in shock, but ever so grateful for the tips I got here yesterday. I heaped loads of praise on him this morning and dropped him off to school in great form - with myself in great form coming to work also.

Our bedtime routine has NEVER been so calm. It has been so wrought with tension (that he's obviously picked up on) and the house has been a houseful of shouting night after night for a long time now. I never realised that if I kept calm, and wound him down that it would have such success. I guess we had gotten ourselves into a pretty desperate cycle of tension, almost willing the shouting down the stairs to start so that the shouting could begin...

I do know that last nights positive bedtime routine was the factor in his restful night - however, with my husband in the mix tonight, I am already beginning to feel it might all go askew again. For example, he won't like the tv being switched off at 7.30pm....any more advice on how to handle hubby now? Thanks again for wonderful advice yesterday :-)

Aw! That's great to hear.
Go you!

Whatever you do though, be consistent.
And if there are any set backs, or stumbles, just keep going.
And continue what your doing on weekends and holidays too.

Husband - I heard of this new therapy for things like this - A kick up the ar$e!

No really, if he must have telly, watch it in another room if you have another one, or watch something on laptop.

But really though, is it that hard to spend an hour playing with the family?
Maybe he just needs time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies - I agree that he needs a kick up the ar&e. But last night made me really realise that a great deal of the tension begins in the house when he starts the 'If you start this rubbish tonight etc etc....' and then I tell him not to speak to the child like that and so on...Last night was so calm and peaceful and I felt so proud of myself and my son for the success that it was. Myself and my hubby haven't been getting on for a while now - I know he should now support me in this, but he is not the most patient of men, particularly when it comes to this issue...I should perhaps start another thread on the mess that is my marriage....

careca11

sleepless nights wrote: »

Myself and my husband have just woken from another night of bad sleep, both in bad form and barely sleeping while our 8yr old son sleeps happily in our bed. I am so sick of this routine and would love if someone could advise what we can do.
We are in rented accomodation, having sold our home a couple of years ago. Our son was 6 when we moved and as we lived in a one bed apartment, always slept in our room (in his own bed). We now live in a 3bed - I suppose when we moved here over 2yrs ago, things were pretty stressful for our family and I will hold my hands up and say that I allowed (and almost encouraged) our son to sleep in our bed with us - things weren't great between my husband and I without going into too much detail, it suited both of us that we had our little one in the bed with us.
So roll on two years and we have done everything we can possibly think of to get him into his own room. We initially decorated his room in his favourite cartoon character, bought a new single bed. That didn't work so we bought him bunks, and he had many sleepovers with friends in there. That didn't work and we have recently bought him a small double bed and decorated his room. We have tried all the supernanny tricks. We have used some herbal drops in water.
Bedtime routine is normal for a child his age - sometimes bath/shower, no tv for at least an hour before bed, then myself or hubby will read him a book and it seems like he's dozing off. We'll hear nothing for about an hour and then the shouting down the stairs begins. He gets very upset, often crying and getting headaches and saying he just can't sleep on his own. We have spent hours night after night going up and down the stairs to him to help him, lying beside him...by about 11, we have both had enough and tell him to get into our bed, where he is asleep in about 10 minutes.

Last night was the usual routine - I'll argue with him on his way to school this morning, telling him this can't continue...but in my heart I know it will until he himself figures out that he's too old for this.

I have seen may 'sleep' websites but few of them tackle this problem - for what its worth, he was a bad sleeper as a younger child and woke every 4hrs for a bottle for about 18 months.

By the way, we have also ignored his shouting down the stairs completely and nothing seems to work. its like the child genuinely cannot go asleep unless he's in our bed. It's at the point where my stress levels begin to rise as I get in from work at 6pm as I know how our evening is going to go.

Has anyone gone through this and can you help us?

have you tried just letting him sleep in your bed and you and hubby go off and sleep in his bedroom
if that works then convert your room to his and vice versa

January

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for replies - I agree that he needs a kick up the ar&e. But last night made me really realise that a great deal of the tension begins in the house when he starts the 'If you start this rubbish tonight etc etc....' and then I tell him not to speak to the child like that and so on...Last night was so calm and peaceful and I felt so proud of myself and my son for the success that it was. Myself and my hubby haven't been getting on for a while now - I know he should now support me in this, but he is not the most patient of men, particularly when it comes to this issue...I should perhaps start another thread on the mess that is my marriage....

Always a completely different issue but I understand the tension you must feel when your husband starts up... Just sit him down and explain to him how good it was last night and I'm sure he felt the benefits of a good nights sleep this morning too.

A letter is always a great way to communicate how you are feeling without getting into an argument.

flutterflye

No matter what issues you have within your marriage, you must be on the same page when it comes to what is right for your kids.

Surely he can see that.

And if he can't, maybe just try and find some way to work around it if you can't work through it.

Such as just let him at whatever he wants when he gets home, and you and your son go to a different room.
Try not to allow your husband's negativity to impact on you, especially while your son is there.

It sounds like you have alot going on.
Hope you work through it and feel better soon x

username123

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for replies - I agree that he needs a kick up the ar&e. But last night made me really realise that a great deal of the tension begins in the house when he starts the 'If you start this rubbish tonight etc etc....' and then I tell him not to speak to the child like that and so on...Last night was so calm and peaceful and I felt so proud of myself and my son for the success that it was. Myself and my hubby haven't been getting on for a while now - I know he should now support me in this, but he is not the most patient of men, particularly when it comes to this issue...I should perhaps start another thread on the mess that is my marriage....

wow! Well done you on planning and executing a great success!!

I totally understand what you are saying about your husband, its like a negative feedback loop - your son could WELL be picking up on this and becoming too tense to go to sleep - leading to the shouting down the stairs etc...

You need to sit your husband down and discuss this issue with him (leave aside other issues for now) and explain to him that you need to get this routine in place and you need his support to help you do so.

CrazyRabbit

It's amazing how perceptive children are. I'd bet that your son was picking up on all the tension & it was affecting him considerably.

Your husband MUST do his part, and keep this calm atmosphere.

chloek

sleepless nights wrote: »

For example, he won't like the tv being switched off at 7.30pm....any more advice on how to handle hubby now? Thanks again for wonderful advice yesterday :-)

Tell your husband to grow up, your son is the child not him.

Abi

sleepless nights wrote: »

I just thought I'd report back after Night One!

So my husband was working late last night and I knew it was just me in the house (I think that helped).
So TV was turned off after one episode of the Simpsons (7.30) and he was sent upstairs to put his pjs on. When he came down, I had paper and crayons out and we drew and coloured until 8.10pm (amazing how therapeutic colouring is for an adult!!! - had forgotten how much I loved it as a child myself). We also played a word game while we were colouring, which was great fun. Warm milk and a slice of toast just before 8.30, and then we went upstairs, to clean teeth/wash face & hands and into bed... I read him 7 chapters of his book, sitting on the edge of his bed, gave him a big teddy, loads of cuddles and down the stairs I went...

I went back up about 9.15 and he was FAST ASLEEP!!!! I am still slightly in shock, but ever so grateful for the tips I got here yesterday. I heaped loads of praise on him this morning and dropped him off to school in great form - with myself in great form coming to work also.

Our bedtime routine has NEVER been so calm. It has been so wrought with tension (that he's obviously picked up on) and the house has been a houseful of shouting night after night for a long time now. I never realised that if I kept calm, and wound him down that it would have such success. I guess we had gotten ourselves into a pretty desperate cycle of tension, almost willing the shouting down the stairs to start so that the shouting could begin...

I do know that last nights positive bedtime routine was the factor in his restful night - however, with my husband in the mix tonight, I am already beginning to feel it might all go askew again. For example, he won't like the tv being switched off at 7.30pm....any more advice on how to handle hubby now? Thanks again for wonderful advice yesterday :-)

I've only just read through the thread SN, well done on your little success with your son the other night, I hope last night went well too. I'm sure there may be hiccups along the way, but persevere.

flutterflye wrote: »

No matter what issues you have within your marriage, you must be on the same page when it comes to what is right for your kids.

^ Big +1 to that.

Your husband has to realize that you need to work as a team in order to beat this problem, and indeed any others that may arise with your son. This is not simply about your son either, I'm sure it has effected your relationship with your husband in more ways than one. With this problem looming every night, I'm sure it caused tension between you both, not to mention causing intimacy issues in the bedroom if your son is lying between you.

Persevering with this in the long run will benefit all three of you. As I said above, some nights won't be as easy as others, and especially with the bright evenings. If you think the light in the room is a factor in keeping away, consider blackout blinds / curtains.

Keep praising him, and maybe tell him for every good week he can have a little reward.


Best of luck OP.

naughtysmurf

Congrats on the first nights success, if it doesn't work out on night two don't let it get you down, it will take time,you just have to keep at it and don't revert back to the way it was, no matter how much he plays up, agree with a lot of what has already been posted, routine is critical though.

Something we have used for other stuff is a weekly chart, sleeps on his own and he gets to put a star on the chart, a week of stars = a treat...worked for us

Best of luck.....phew, first post.....hope I'm not banned