Older sibling wants contact?

LegacyUser

I have a ten year old son. His father and I split when I was pregnant as his father didn't want a child. He had a daughter from a previous relationship at that time who was 10, and I had a decent relationship with her at the time.

This girl has contacted me (in a hand written letter) recently saying she would like to get to know her younger (half) brother. There has never been any contact between my sons aunts/uncles/grandparents following the split. This girl is still in constant contact with her dad - he was actually a very good father to her when we were together, despite the fact that he has chosen not to know his son.

I am very confused. My son knows he has an older sister - but hasn't asked about her in years. I'm concerned that this situation could open a whole can of worms for him. He seems fine about his father - has seen a few photos but isn't that interested in getting to know him (not that it would be an option anyway).

The fact that they share a dad...and grandparents and aunts and uncles who love and adore her...and who haven't wanted to know him is obviously my biggest issue with this.
What kind of a relationship could they ever have?
She has said she will respect my wishes and that perhaps my son is a bit young to deal with the fact that she sees her/his dad all the time. She has also made it perfectly clear that his dad still does not want contact with him and she isn't speaking for his aunts/uncles or grandparents.
What are peoples thoughts on this?

Daisy M

Hi op well firstly just to say I fully understand your concerns and think your doing the right thing in not rushing into making any decisions.
This girl sounds very mature and responsible and that she could in fact be a very positive addition in your sons life. Your son will at some stage have to deal with the fact that his dad and family have never entertained having a relationship with him. I think which ever way you go you are taking a risk, if you allow him to meet his sister you risk him ending up hurt by the fact that their shared father has no interest in meeting him, however should you deny him the possibility of developing a relationship with her now he could really resent this when hes older. Would you consider letting your son make the choice, maybe they could take things very very slowly and start of as pen friends or email each other once a month or so to begin with. I think in some way you need to make sure your child realises that he as an individual was not rejected by his dad, just that his dad didnt want another child and that the issues and problems around this are of his dads making and are not your sons problem. Best of luck to you all.

Moonbeam

Meet her and talk to her first and then make a decision.
Fair play to her for making contact and wanting to know her younger brother.

Justask

This is very tough for you and I will find myself in the same place in the future which I dread :eek:

I might have this wrong but your little lads sister is 20?

If I was you I would tell her that she will have to wait until yor son is older so you can talk to him about it and what his wishes are.

But I think that she sounds like a good person wanting to get in touch with her brother!

I really dont think there is a right or wrong answer to this, best go with your gut feelings.
You have brought your son up for 10 years and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you son.

I wish you the very best of luck

LegacyUser

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

Its obvious your extremely hurt on your sons behalf, cant say I can blame you I would be the same, it would be something I could never forgive. However rainbows are giving you advice which they think is in the best interest of your son, your feelings are not the priority, in their eyes anyway. I think you should broach the subject of his half sister with your son, you dont need to give full details maybe just mention her and see how it goes. I understand that you think he is too immature but part of me thinks it may actually be easier for him to deal with this and accept it than when he is a teenager and could possibly be all over the place as teenagers can be.

Justask

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

10 is far to young I aggree! A few more years wont put her out if she is serious about wanting to get to know him!

After saying that do you want to upset your "nice relaxed lifesyle"
Are you best to leave well alone....

Let us know what you decide i'd be intrested to know

Justask

is mise astra wrote: »

Its obvious your extremely hurt on your sons behalf, cant say I can blame you I would be the same, it would be something I could never forgive. However rainbows are giving you advice which they think is in the best interest of your son, your feelings are not the priority, in their eyes anyway. I think you should broach the subject of his half sister with your son, you dont need to give full details maybe just mention her and see how it goes. I understand that you think he is too immature but part of me thinks it may actually be easier for him to deal with this and accept it than when he is a teenager and could possibly be all over the place as teenagers can be.

Yea you have a point there...but really who is this going to benifit by the young boy getting to know his sister? He seems to be getting on just grand..


It really is a hard one to call isnt it...:eek:

I think 10 is very young to take all that in

metrovelvet

First thing I'd want to know is if her father knows about this and if he approves of it

Justask

metrovelvet wrote: »

First thing I'd want to know is if her father knows about this and if he approves of it

:eek: god I didnt even think about that :eek:

LegacyUser

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

Justask

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

He sounds like hes going for father of the year :mad:

I would ask myself how would my son benefit from this..hes your No1 no one else matters!

I really wish you all the best

Daisy M

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

Sounds like a right charmer, personally I cant see any benefit in your son meeting him. I agree it coud be a good idea for you to meet with her and see how you feel after that. Would you even allow basic contact such as her sending birthday and christmas cards.

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

I said in my first post that she was really clear that his dad wants no part of this - yes, he knows, but has told her not to involve him.

She said she can't speak for the wider family as she's not very close to them, and they don't know she wrote to me.

I would meet with her but I would be leading towards avoiding complicating things and wouldnt want to lead my child down a road of confusion if it can be avoided.

Ultimately it's your call. But Im black and white about these things, the child is family or s/he isnt, I don't go for cherry picking.

Daisy M

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would meet with her but I would be leading towards avoiding complicating things and wouldnt want to lead my child down a road of confusion if it can be avoided.

Ultimately it's your call. But Im black and white about these things, the child is family or s/he isnt, I don't go for cherry picking.

I agree the child is the most important person here and everything the op does should be with his best interests at heart. Having said that she needs to be as sure as she can that any decision she makes does not backfire on her in time. She doesnt want to end up been the bad guy who stopped her son getting to know his silbling or be the one who exposes him to been hurt by the cold hearted man who is his father. I would definetly meet her I dont think I would write a letter as I would be afraid that in time it could be used out of context against me, I would however drop the sister into conversation every now and again and possibly allow birthday and christmas cards, (if after meeting the girl I was certain she too had the childs best interest at heart). The thing is op you can only control this situation for a certain period of time, he will more than likely end up on one of the social network sites in a few years and could end up been contacted through that, I definetly wouldnt want something like that to happen to my child without them knowing that it was a possibility could be too much of a bolt from the blue.

up for anything

Meet with her and get a feeling for what she is like. It will never be wrong to introduce your son to someone who wants to get to know him and love him for the right reasons. So what if the rest of her family have no interest. Maybe her family haven't been that wonderful and if so he will come to realise that he didn't miss out on too much.

ppink

If I were you I would meet with her and explain to her what you feel about this.....ie that your son is a little too young to understand everything and you feel it would be too much pressure for him at this stage. she is 23 so should understand this.
i agree the rest of her family dont matter and if you do totally deny him the right to know his sister he may not thank you for it later. on the other hand he is very young to be learning that his Dad loves his daughter and could not give a toss about him!
I know someone who had to deal with a very similar situation and it was not easy at all on the spurned child.

magrat

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

metrovelvet

magrat wrote: »

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

Why can it only be good?

LegacyUser

magrat wrote: »

I would meet with her and build up a personal relationship with her myself. Have a coffee with her every now and then. Keep the door open.

It can only be good for you son to have some form of contact with a blood relative of his. By building up a relationship with her yourself you will be in a much better position to judge when the time would be right to allow them to start building on their own relationship.

I think I will arrange to meet her myself alright - she said some lovely things about her memories of me (when I was with her dad) - how she always liked me etc - and apologised for not getting in touch sooner, but that things had been difficult with her dad. It used to sadden me that none of his dads family wanted to know him - but as he got older and I began to settle into motherhood myself, I realised that he was much better off without people in his life, who didn't want to know him and I accepted that long ago. He has grandparents on that side who he's never met. He's never asked about them though, so it's not something I've brought up with him. I sometimes ask if he'd like to chat about his dad and he doesn't seem at all interested...but I've tried to keep the lines of communication open with him in that regard.

MrTsSnickers

Justask wrote: »

10 is far to young I aggree! A few more years wont put her out if she is serious about wanting to get to know him!

After saying that do you want to upset your "nice relaxed lifesyle"
Are you best to leave well alone....

Let us know what you decide i'd be intrested to know

10 is not too young to know his own mind. He may be a little young to make a fully mature decision, however, you should certainly ask his opinion on the situation. He already knows about his sister and that his dad has a relationship with his sister, if he finds out that you held him back from a possible relationship with her when he's older, he might be really annoyed. He's old enough to have input. You could meet her yourself first and make it clear that your child is not to have any contact, whatsoever, with the other side of the family, unless they contact you first and you and your son go from there.

missyb

Hi, this situation sound errily similiar to the situation my ex was in. As long as I knew my ex, he was always very angry with his mother and his dad (who he never really knew). For obvious reasons with his dad, but his mum had always done her best from what I could see, but my ex explained to me that he had an older brother (same dad) that had tried to contact him when he was about 13 and wanted to get to know him.
The mum declined in no uncertain terms and did not leave the door open for any kind of contact. He didnt know until years later that the mum had several times shunned all attempts at contact from the brother at this stage. I dont remember the finer details, other than neither seemed to know where the other was by the time he found out from his mum. Though I know my ex, just before we split ,was thinking of ways to find out where his brother was.

Maybe it was his own misdirected anger but he was furious as he felt his mum took her anger at his dad out on the brother and deprived him of the right to choose. It caused a serious rift between them though maybe they have sorted things out now I dont know. All I can say that my ex really resented that the option was taken out of his hands, he talked about it openly and he was not really the sort to wear his feelings on his sleeve.

Maybe ten is too young, I dont have kids myself ,but maybe keep a door open so your son can decide for himself at some point. He already has had the chance to get to know his dad taken out of his hands, so if you do the same with his sister (who clearly, at least, has a bit more too her than the dad), he may not thank you for it?

hurling_lad

missyb wrote: »

Hi, this situation sound errily similiar to the situation my ex was in. As long as I knew my ex, he was always very angry with his mother and his dad (who he never really knew). For obvious reasons with his dad, but his mum had always done her best from what I could see, but my ex explained to me that he had an older brother (same dad) that had tried to contact him when he was about 13 and wanted to get to know him.
The mum declined in no uncertain terms and did not leave the door open for any kind of contact. He didnt know until years later that the mum had several times shunned all attempts at contact from the brother at this stage. I dont remember the finer details, other than neither seemed to know where the other was by the time he found out from his mum. Though I know my ex, just before we split ,was thinking of ways to find out where his brother was.

Maybe it was his own misdirected anger but he was furious as he felt his mum took her anger at his dad out on the brother and deprived him of the right to choose. It caused a serious rift between them though maybe they have sorted things out now I dont know. All I can say that my ex really resented that the option was taken out of his hands, he talked about it openly and he was not really the sort to wear his feelings on his sleeve.

Maybe ten is too young, I dont have kids myself ,but maybe keep a door open so your son can decide for himself at some point. He already has had the chance to get to know his dad taken out of his hands, so if you do the same with his sister (who clearly, at least, has a bit more too her than the dad), he may not thank you for it?

Just an observation to add to the above: some people on here have recommended that the OP should tell this girl to wait for the boy to get a bit older before she will introduce her to him, but there's always the chance that the girl might not make contact again if she e.g. emigrates or starts her own family.

This could be a one-off opportunity for the OP's son to meet his older sister and I honestly can't see how a child could be better off not having a relationship with his only sibling rather than having one.

LegacyUser

hurling_lad wrote: »

Just an observation to add to the above: some people on here have recommended that the OP should tell this girl to wait for the boy to get a bit older before she will introduce her to him, but there's always the chance that the girl might not make contact again if she e.g. emigrates or starts her own family.

This could be a one-off opportunity for the OP's son to meet his older sister and I honestly can't see how a child could be better off not having a relationship with his only sibling rather than having one.

OP here - I take your point. But my fear is that when he realises she has a relationship with her granny and her grandad and her dad and he doesn't, he will feel their rejection in a much more pointed way more than he does now (he doesn't seem to feel it at all now).

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

OP here - I take your point. But my fear is that when he realises she has a relationship with her granny and her grandad and her dad and he doesn't, he will feel their rejection in a much more pointed way more than he does now (he doesn't seem to feel it at all now).

Yes he will.

And as an adult when he has kids and his half sister has kids, his will also be rejected as hers will not. She will het inheritance, he will not.

I cant see what good can come of this myself.

If their father were behind this, it would be different. Also, the accepted protocols are the relationships with one side of the famly are conducted via the parent that connect them. IF that link is broken then what is the point.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes he will.

And as an adult when he has kids and his half sister has kids, his will also be rejected as hers will not. She will het inheritance, he will not.

I cant see what good can come of this myself.

If their father were behind this, it would be different. Also, the accepted protocols are the relationships with one side of the famly are conducted via the parent that connect them. IF that link is broken then what is the point.

Actually, he will get inheritance from his dad - I have previously spoken to a solicitor about this and my son is as entitled to his estate as his daughter is (he is divorced from his first wife and currently single). But I digress...

I disagree with your last paragraph - I believe that this girl is his half-sister, no matter what interest the rest of them have in him (or not as the case may be). I believe he is entitled to some sort of relationship with her, despite their shared father who treated has not been a father to him. However, I also feel he's too young to deal with what could be the emotional consequences with the fallout.

cynder

My brothers son contacted him a few months ago via facebook, my brother hasnt seen him since he was a baby. they chat weekly over facebook and he even befriended my mom (his nan) my brothers ex has now also joined facebook and they all have regular contact.

My moms coming over from the uk in august and she will see her grandson for the first time since he was a baby. The young lad was 13 when he contacted my brother all is turning out quite well. There is no pressure from either side.

How long are you going to wait till your son decided to contact his other family members, you have the opportunity now to be in control, I personally think it would be good for your son to know his sister (if she is of good character). Just because you son doesn't ask about his dad or sister they must be times he thinks about them and probably even fantasises about meeting them.

cynder

unregistered wrote: »

, I also feel he's too young to deal with what could be the emotional consequences with the fallout.

Or what could be the beginning of a great relationship, if in 5 years time he finds out that he had an opportunity to see his sister and mommy said no, it could bite you in the butt.

metrovelvet

grindelwald wrote: »

My brothers son contacted him a few months ago via facebook, my brother hasnt seen him since he was a baby. they chat weekly over facebook and he even befriended my mom (his nan) my brothers ex has now also joined facebook and they all have regular contact.

My moms coming over from the uk in august and she will see her grandson for the first time since he was a baby. The young lad was 13 when he contacted my brother all is turning out quite well. There is no pressure from either side.

How long are you going to wait till your son decided to contact his other family members, you have the opportunity now to be in control, I personally think it would be good for your son to know his sister (if she is of good character). Just because you son doesn't ask about his dad or sister they must be times he thinks about them and probably even fantasises about meeting them.

Your brother didnt reject his child and insist he be left out of it. If your brother rejected the child then chances are your parents would have also. That is why your parents are only meeting the child now, because your brother in involved.

This is a different scenario altogether.

ash23

The child will feel rejection by his father whether his sister is in his life or not. Because his father DID reject him. My exs family are very good to my daughter but she still feels rejection from him.
It will possibly be difficult for him to know that his sister is part of his fathers life while he is not (although OP indicated she doesn't see his extended family much).

OP, personally I would take this for what it is. A young girl looking to get to know her sibling. My nieces older half sister contacted her mother recently and asked her could she contact my neice (who was 12), My sister agreed and they've chatted online a few times. The father is rarely mentioned as my neice wants nothing to do with him.
But she now knows her older sister and she's happy enough about that. No great sibling relationship came of it but no harm came of it either.

If I were in your position I'd broach the issue with my child and get their opinion, perhaps without coming out and saying the sibling had been in touch. If they reacted positively I'd probably then talk to/meet the sibling and then arrange a meeting for them.
I think 10 is old enough to have an input into this as essentially this girl is his family.

cynder

metrovelvet wrote: »

Your brother didnt reject his child and insist he be left out of it. If your brother rejected the child then chances are your parents would have also. That is why your parents are only meeting the child now, because your brother in involved.

This is a different scenario altogether.

My point being at some point in the child will go look for his family with or without moms consent. At this point in time there is an opportunity for siblings to get to know each other on moms terms, not on her sons or the other girls terms. One should make the best out of a bad situation.