Older sibling wants contact?

achmairt

unregistered wrote: »

She's 23 now.

My gut feeling is that my son is too immature to handle this situation just yet. He understands that he has an older sister, but I never explained the ins-and-outs of that to him. I never explained that when he split with his wife and his daughter was 2, he became the most wonderful father to her - bringing his then ex to court for custody of her and gaining joint custody. So she spent 50% of her time with him.

and then my son comes along and nada. As opposite a story as you could possibly imagine.

He's doing really well - we have a nice relaxed lifestyle and I'm unsure what to do about this. I rang rainbows to see if they could offer any advice. They suggested we run to her with open arms (practically) and look at this as a way that my son could possibly get contact from his dad. There's no way Im doing that - no way I'd look on this in that way - I personally think their advice was completely wrong, although I'm sure they're good at what they do.

I would agree that your son is far too young to have to deal with this now. I would wait until HE starts asking questions. Leave well enough alone at this point in his life.

psycho-hope

Hi Op, I just want to give you an opinion from the otherside so to speak. My mother raised me on her own after my "father" wanted nothing to do with me or her, he went on to have 2 other children with his current wife who are about 5-6 years younger than me now, up untill recently it never bothered me but after some serious thinking lately ive made the decison to write a letter to my father giving him the option to tell my half brother and sister about me for 2 reasons 1. I'm an only child and have always wondered what it would be like to have brothers and sisters, 2. and this is the biggie, the town( typical small irish town) where i would socialise is the same town my father and his family live in and i would hate for his son and daughter to have someone come up to the them in one of the local pubs and point at me going " thats your sister". Maybe your sons half sister has come to the same conclusion, even if you decide that its not the right time for you son to know about this girl, please at the very least explain you reasons to her, you never know she might see things from your point of view

sorry for the essay:o

nkay1985

I think your son is probably old enough to have some input on this OP. Just find out how he feels about the idea of meeting someone who is his half-sister. I think the fact that she's initiating it purely of her own accord is a good thing.

And I think that your son might be better getting to know her now rather than later to protect him from the intense rejection you fear. As a 10 year old, he probably won't get too deep into the connection he and his half-sister have and how much contact she has with everyone. As they get to know each other better and he gets older, he'll gradually learn this stuff. Let's say you wait a few years and your son is 15 when first meeting her. He'll be a hormonal teenager and will want to know exactly what the state of play is from the start which could hurt him more then.

dark crystal

Can you not broach the subject with your son? Ask him hypothetically if he would be interested in meeting his sister. 10 year olds are a lot cannier and self aware than we sometimes give them credit for!

The girl in question obviously wants to get to know her estranged brother and sounds like a lovely girl - you only get one go at life and missing out on knowing his 'other' family would be an awful shame for everyone involved.

Personally speaking, I would regret not trying to bring them together. I understand your misgivings completely, but I think your son at least deserves the choice. He may not even want to meet her yet, but it would be great for him to know she wants to get to know him (and spoil him, I'm sure ) at least.

Best of luck on whatever you decide!

sparkling sea

I am not really sure what the exact problem is. Why exactly are you worried about your son meeting his sister, this girl is after all your sons' sibling, why wouldn't you want him to know his own sister?

I note that some people are suggesting that your son is too young to deal with this - what exactly is he too young to deal with - rejection from his father; he already deals with it, its part of his normal daily life.
Young children get to know all sorts of different people as they are growing up - its part of growing up, they don't read all the possible problems into situations in a way that adults do because in most cases the problems don't materalise.

If you stop them having a relationship, you can never give them back the time they will have missed together and that is likely to cause some resentment down the line no matter how you try to justify your decision.
Your son is already missing out on a relationship with his father because of a decision made by his father. Do you really think your son will thank you for missing out on a relationship with his sister because of decision made by you -thats the question you need to answer honestly and truthfully - what is the justification for stopping your son getting to know his sister?

We all want to protect our children from harm but we have to be sure about who may be causing the harm and what exactly we are trying to protect them from?

deisemum

I've seen it time and time again where a parent usually the mother has stopped the other parent or members of other parent's family having contact with the child and then in a matter of years when the child is an adult or older teen and finds out it has backfired on the parent who prevented the contact and the child no longer has a relationship or an extremely strained one with that parent.

I think the OP's son is old enough to discuss it and decide for himself.

stargazer 68

Maybe Im missing something here but your son already knows he has a half sister so why shouldnt he meet her if he wants to? 'He is too young to deal with all this'? All what? He doesn't need to know the ins and outs of your relationship with his father etc.

LegacyUser

Im unsure why some of you are 'unsure' about my concerns. My concerns are that this girl has a relationship with her father, her aunts, uncles and grandparents - it might not be a good relationship, but she has it, nonetheless. My son is happy enough with his lot and it hasn't clicked with him that he may have aunts and uncles and grandparents who don't want to know him - he's never ever asked about them, and I've never felt the need to bring up the subject. They all live within a 5 mile radius of us by the way.
I'm not saying it would be a bad thing if he got to know his half-sister - I'm saying that it will open up a whole world of rejection to him - he's plodding along nicely. I sometimes ask if he'd like to know more about his dad and sister and he's like 'Meh'...

anyway, I asked him again last week - I said that his half-sister had been in touch and was asking how he was. This opened up a whole discussion about where she lived and what age she is etc.


Somehow, over the years, he has always assumed that she also lived with her mam, and didn't know her dad t(the same as him)... I always told him he had an older sister, he knows her name etc. But I didn't explain that she had a relationship with his dad...I didn't say she didn't either, but I just never went deep into conversation about it, as he wasn't interested...
Anyway, he got quite upset when he realised that his dad decided to be her dad...but decided not to be his dad....it's the first time in his life that this 'dad' issue has ever upset him...
I rang her and explained the situation and said I'd like to leave this for a while...I'll chat to him more about this over the summer, but for now, I'll do nothing...

sparkling sea

unregistered wrote: »

Im unsure why some of you are 'unsure' about my concerns. My concerns are that this girl has a relationship with her father, her aunts, uncles and grandparents - it might not be a good relationship, but she has it, nonetheless. My son is happy enough with his lot and it hasn't clicked with him that he may have aunts and uncles and grandparents who don't want to know him - he's never ever asked about them, and I've never felt the need to bring up the subject. They all live within a 5 mile radius of us by the way.
I'm not saying it would be a bad thing if he got to know his half-sister - I'm saying that it will open up a whole world of rejection to him - he's plodding along nicely. I sometimes ask if he'd like to know more about his dad and sister and he's like 'Meh'...

anyway, I asked him again last week - I said that his half-sister had been in touch and was asking how he was. This opened up a whole discussion about where she lived and what age she is etc.


Somehow, over the years, he has always assumed that she also lived with her mam, and didn't know her dad t(the same as him)... I always told him he had an older sister, he knows her name etc. But I didn't explain that she had a relationship with his dad...I didn't say she didn't either, but I just never went deep into conversation about it, as he wasn't interested...
Anyway, he got quite upset when he realised that his dad decided to be her dad...but decided not to be his dad....it's the first time in his life that this 'dad' issue has ever upset him...
I rang her and explained the situation and said I'd like to leave this for a while...I'll chat to him more about this over the summer, but for now, I'll do nothing...

Its not the kids fault that their father is an ass, or at least he sounds like an ass, he also appears to be the only person in this situation who isn't bothered about your sons feelings.

Your son didn't understand his full family situation but he obviously thought about it given that he came to certain conclusions; maybe disinterest is not the reason he hasn't discussed the situation with you, do you think this is a possibility.

He has come to conclusions that he didn't discuss with anyone, so maybe the dad issue has been an issue for him but he just hasn't been comfortable discussing for what ever reason.

Are you sure his extended family don't want to no him maybe his sister might be able to shed some light on this

LegacyUser

I don't know if the extended family want to get to know him, but to be very honest, they've had ten years to do that and have never bothered, so I doubt it.

I also doubt that he has any hidden thoughts about his dad that he doesn't want to discuss with me just yet. I could be wrong of course, but we all know our own children. He's not remotely 'deep' (as some of his friends are), he's very relaxed and casual (too relaxed sometimes!) - he really doesn't 'sweat the small stuff'... I'm always honest with him and open...and as I said, I've often said (when it's relevant) if he'd like to chat about stuff...
He's just not a deep thinker at all - I was a bit like that myself as a child, and as I'm the only person raising him, I guess it has rubbed off....but I'm under no illuision that the hormones may soon be kicking in and he may become deep & meaningful...

He said he never really thinks about his sister, but he just always assumed that she was out there somewhere, living the same life he's living, with just her mother raising her and no involvement from her dad..

For what it's worth, when he was about 2, I contacted an aunt of his (through a friend) to see if she'd like to get to know him. Her reply was that their relationship with their brother (his dad) was difficult, and had always been difficult and that she would be afraid to 'rock the boat' with him...so I never bothered after that...

implausible

I don't know about him being too young OP. I mean he's aware that he has a dad and a sister. I think that a gradual drip feed of information overseen by you (from you and his sister) might be better than a huge revelation when he is a hormonal teenager. The teenage years are difficult enough besides loading this onto him. I feel it'd be better if he came to accept as normal that he sees his sister every few weeks, for example, than working through the complexities of meeting a half-sister and feeling abandoned when he is older. Kids can be very accepting - "here is Mary, she's the sister I told you about". It might not be a big deal to a ten year old.

I think you're terrified of all the emotion it will bring back and of trying to explain to your son that he has been ignored by his dad for years if he meets his sister. But it doesn't have to be that way. This girl is 23 and obviously feels she should meet her brother. I'd imagine that she would understand if you asked her not to mention his and her dad and other relations to him.

At the end of the day, this situation is not the girl's fault or your son's. Painful as it may be, they are family and are entitled to get to know each other. If you only live five miles away from your ex, it's inevitable that someone somewhere will say something to your son (if they haven't already) and information is better coming from you than some loudmouth or school bully. Make sure that in trying to protect him you don't leave him open to future pain.

sparkling sea

unregistered wrote: »

I don't know if the extended family want to get to know him, but to be very honest, they've had ten years to do that and have never bothered, so I doubt it.

I also doubt that he has any hidden thoughts about his dad that he doesn't want to discuss with me just yet. I could be wrong of course, but we all know our own children. He's not remotely 'deep' (as some of his friends are), he's very relaxed and casual (too relaxed sometimes!) - he really doesn't 'sweat the small stuff'... I'm always honest with him and open...and as I said, I've often said (when it's relevant) if he'd like to chat about stuff...
He's just not a deep thinker at all - I was a bit like that myself as a child, and as I'm the only person raising him, I guess it has rubbed off....but I'm under no illuision that the hormones may soon be kicking in and he may become deep & meaningful...

He said he never really thinks about his sister, but he just always assumed that she was out there somewhere, living the same life he's living, with just her mother raising her and no involvement from her dad..

For what it's worth, when he was about 2, I contacted an aunt of his (through a friend) to see if she'd like to get to know him. Her reply was that their relationship with their brother (his dad) was difficult, and had always been difficult and that she would be afraid to 'rock the boat' with him...so I never bothered after that...

Family relationships can be very tricky sometimes alright.

You've told him what you can, he now knows his sister would like to meet him, he might need time to process all the information before he decides on anything. He might decide not to think about it at all and that's fair enough too.

No matter what your son is obviously the most important thing to you and he is very lucky to have you, you can only do your best and that's exactly what you seem to be doing.

greengirl31

I'd be wary cause in a situation like this there's a potential downside to any decision you make - You say no, your son finds out in a few years and you're the badie for not facilitating this relationship. You allow it, the sister and brother get on great but he starts to notice the extended family on his fathers side and starts to wonder why and like you say the feelings of rejection when you're any age can be shocking!! You said he got a little upset about it recently so I'd be inclined to leave it for a while ...

Just one other thing .... The sister is 23. Now I admit she's not a child but what are her motives for getting in touch ... Like I know she has a brother and wants to get to know him but I wonder does she fully understand the magnitude of this ... I'm not saying her intentions are bad - far from it, but you'd have to wonder, after the initial meeting, what would a 23 year old girl have in common with a 10 year old boy - They might have a father in common but if he's staying out of the whole thing, they won't have alot to talk about ...

LegacyUser

It's funny you ask about her 'motive'....when I spoke to her, she mentioned that her new boyfriend has an 8yr old son and she thinks it would be great if they could all go out together...and that he had really been encouraging her to get in touch..
I hung up the phone, hoping to god she's not a flighty youngwan, who is trying to 'rent-a-brother' in order to impress the new boyfriend - but you just never know....

Anyway, these events have been overtaken today as his team lost a cup final in school - he's pretty devestated (there were tears..) as he played quite well....
So I have made a decision to do nothing about this for now, and explained it to her, that he's just a bit young right now - if she is really THAT interested, she'll get in touch again...

cynder

Perhaps its the relationship that she sees with her partner and his son that made her realise what she is missing with her own brother.

You seem to be taking all this out on the 23 girl, she has dont nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

Perhaps its the relationship that she sees with her partner and his son that made her realise what she is missing with her own brother.

You seem to be taking all this out on the 23 girl, she has dont nothing wrong.

Where did you get that from? I'm not taking anything out on anyone! All I said was that she mentioned she has a boyfriend with an 8yr old and that I hoped she wasn't looking at my son as a way to impress him - its a pretty normal thought for me to have, given that she never said 'I realise what I'm missing when I see him with his son'.....
What she did say is that HE has encouraged her to make contact and that it would be great if the four of them could go out together on day trips...

I'm aware that this girl has done nothing wrong - nowhere did I say she has.

Babyblessed

Interesting.

My ex left me when I was 6 months gone (with my bestie but I digress). He demanded to go on the birth cert, which was fine at the time, so that he could INSIST on access. I had no probs but it became increasingly difficult for him to spend time with our daughter; my 'friend' felt threatened, and eventually when she was 5 months pregnant he simply stopped coming to see our daughter. I didnt force it, I was trying to get on with my own life. My ex had 2 children before his relationship broke down. Since about the age of 7 our daughter has known she has younger siblings, she is nearly 20 and her siblings are 19 and 16. They were never made aware they had a 'big' sister but I have kept in contact with various family members on my ex's side and also on my friends side.... I was VERY close with her sister in particular. About 3 years ago through FB the youngest one (female) requested my daughter, her sister. She wasnt aware of the link but they shared mutual friends. Eventually my ex was forced to explain the situation. He wasnt impressed but his entire family were finally removed from a hugely pressured situation, as he hated them having contact with our daughter.

We did hope that he might then allow the kids to be in contact but he wouldnt. They continued to write and FB and were patient. Earlier this year their shared paternal grandfather passed away and we went to the funeral (at the familys request). He ignored us (no probs!) but he tried to enforce the daughter to ignore us too. Eventually granny grabbed the 2 girls and 'permitted' them to hug... EVERYONE cried (except himself), it was a hugely emotional time but the fact 2 sisters got together at the time made it a really bitter-sweet occasion.

His family have been great in the last 5-6 years before that he tried to control the relationship by threatening them with contact with the other children. When the 2 girls wanted to meet before the funeral he told our daughter she couldnt have contact with her half sister until she had a relationship with him...... He has totally blown that now. By forcing the 2 girls apart he has upset his other daughter too. The eldest child has Aspergers and doesnt seem to understand the situation but then I really dont know.

What I suppose I am saying is that in a few month/years, your son may be interested. I agree with previous posters, you seemed to have had a fab relationship with this girl before her/their 'father' acted like an idiot. I'd be careful like you too but I'd meet for coffee on a regular basis; see if ye can rekindle your relationship. I found my ex's family had always wanted contacted but he made it difficult for them, I, in turn didnt make it easy. No-one understands the complexity of family relationships.

Sorry for the essay..... I have done post-adoption tracing and my experience is that boys are less interested on the whole. It interesting my daughters half-sis wants a 'sister' and her half-brother doesnt. Dont let your ex or his bad behaviour impact on a potential sibling relationship. She has made the 1st tentative steps to contact; it must have been hard knowing her 'father' isnt interested and their family less than supportive.

Good luck, you might even find you make an understanding friend from this situation.

Moonbeam

I would not be so sure that he would not like to meet his sister.Just because he has not told you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to.

I think you need to talk to him and meet her yourself with out him and discuss it.

Maybe contact onefamily.ie or treoir for advice?

LegacyUser

Moonbeam wrote: »

I would not be so sure that he would not like to meet his sister.Just because he has not told you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to.

I think you need to talk to him and meet her yourself with out him and discuss it.

Maybe contact onefamily.ie or treoir for advice?

I have been in touch with both of those organisations - while I found them quite useful, ultimately their message is that you know your own child, and you know what he/she is able to handle at a certain age. No advice they give is universal as each child is different and a parent should always trust their own instinct.

I'm quite rational when it comes to contact with his dad or his family - I always have been. I've always been of the opinion that if his dad got in touch, I'd facilitate that relationship as much as I could. No matter what hurt he caused me, I was always, and am still acutely aware that he is his father and their relationship won't be stopped by me. That's not to say that I would have welcomed the man back with open arms - but if he ever got in touch, I would always have taken baby-steps in order to build a relationship between them...

In my own family, I never knew my dads family and a few years back, found some of them. I was over the moon as was my sister - but my brothers had no interest at all. It was pointed out to me that women have more of a 'pull' towards family in general and that men/boys don't necessarily have that 'pull'. (there is some research to back this up, but I can't find it at the moment) So perhaps my son is just a typical boy who doesn't feel the need to get to know these people...or perhaps I'm in for a shock when he hits puberty, who knows.

I have broached the subject of his sister with him since she got in touch, and he really has no interest in getting to know her....

cynder

unregistered wrote: »

Where did you get that from? I'm not taking anything out on anyone! All I said was that she mentioned she has a boyfriend with an 8yr old and that I hoped she wasn't looking at my son as a way to impress him - its a pretty normal thought for me to have, given that she never said 'I realise what I'm missing when I see him with his son'.....
What she did say is that HE has encouraged her to make contact and that it would be great if the four of them could go out together on day trips...

I'm aware that this girl has done nothing wrong - nowhere did I say she has.

Hanging up the phone on her doesn't help, seems to come across like you want to hurt her like your ex hurt you and your son. None of this is her fault. Shes upset your little routine and it seems you dont like it one bit, it also seems your fighting her at every corner looking for the bad in it, all the negative things, try looking at the benefits, the good side.


i doubt very much a girl would get in contact just because he bloke has a son and want the kids to be friends when she has never even met her brother, i presume its an idea for the future. That if things work out between them , that they would all go out together and that way the kids wont be bored. For all she knows your son could be a little demon. She wants to get to know him and if he visits her he wont be bored because there is another little boy whos a similar age. She is just trying to be nice and in no way is it to impress her guy. Your just dont want to see that, that's why you hanged up the phone on her. Meet her over a coffee and talk to her face to face, in a coffee shop not at home, that way its on neutral territory.


Perhaps its not revenge you want but rather you resent her and your letting that cloud your judgement...... By your posts it does seem that way, perhaps I'm wrong but that's what I'm picking up.

metrovelvet

Im not picking up on what you are seeing grindelwald, maybe I have a biased empathy to the OPs position, but yes a pandora's box could be openned. One cannot expect this sibling to understand that, or maybe anyone who has not raised a rejected child to understand, the potential of disrupting a peaceful life tht has so far not been shadowed by paternal rejection, which could now be underscored by this girl suddenly pirouetting into their lives, now going to link this family with the father who shuns them.

No one here knows why she wants contact, it could be a flippant motive or it could have more depth. Anyone's guess. No point fantasizing.

implausible

unregistered wrote: »

It's funny you ask about her 'motive'....when I spoke to her, she mentioned that her new boyfriend has an 8yr old son and she thinks it would be great if they could all go out together...and that he had really been encouraging her to get in touch

That's funny, I was actually going to post re: her motive and suggest that maybe her friends have had babies and that is making her think more about family. Maybe this boyfriend has given her the kickstart she needed to initiate contact with her family.

I really don't like this questioning of motive - what motive does a person who is adopted have to seek out his/her family? In my mind, it's pretty much the same thing.

Perhaps I'm overly optimistic, but I can see his sister making contact as nothing but good. He has a whole other family out there and maybe his sister can break the ice with your ex's family. Doesn't your son deserve that?

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

Hanging up the phone on her doesn't help, seems to come across like you want to hurt her like your ex hurt you and your son. None of this is her fault. Shes upset your little routine and it seems you dont like it one bit, it also seems your fighting her at every corner looking for the bad in it, all the negative things, try looking at the benefits, the good side.


i doubt very much a girl would get in contact just because he bloke has a son and want the kids to be friends when she has never even met her brother, i presume its an idea for the future. That if things work out between them , that they would all go out together and that way the kids wont be bored. For all she knows your son could be a little demon. She wants to get to know him and if he visits her he wont be bored because there is another little boy whos a similar age. She is just trying to be nice and in no way is it to impress her guy. Your just dont want to see that, that's why you hanged up the phone on her. Meet her over a coffee and talk to her face to face, in a coffee shop not at home, that way its on neutral territory.


Perhaps its not revenge you want but rather you resent her and your letting that cloud your judgement...... By your posts it does seem that way, perhaps I'm wrong but that's what I'm picking up.

You're wrong.

Firstly, I never hung up the phone on her???? If you read that sentence again, I was referring to my attitude towards her when I hung up the phone - I didn't actually hang up on her!

Secondly, I've already said that I've decided to do nothing for now - she understands completely.

I don't resent her - I'm only thinking of my child here so I don't know where you are getting this all from.

Dodd

I'm lost with most of this thread.

A 23yo girl would like to meet her 10yo brother.
It has nothing to do with the dad/aunts/grandparents ect.
What can possible be the problem with her calling to your home to see him for a few hours every other week.

Btw if it was an older brother he would be saying he wants to meet him
and tell kids in school about his big brother.

I am a friend

OP, you dont seem to have taken onboard any of the advice given.... For what its worth, I think you are doin your son a dis-service by not allowing him meet his sister.. Maybe she is legit and you are wasting precious time by stalling here...

God forbid anything happened to you - wouldnt he be best off having as many family members around as possible??

metrovelvet

I am a friend wrote: »

OP, you dont seem to have taken onboard any of the advice given.... For what its worth, I think you are doin your son a dis-service by not allowing him meet his sister.. Maybe she is legit and you are wasting precious time by stalling here...

God forbid anything happened to you - wouldnt he be best off having as many family members around as possible??

He is not a member of this girl's family. He is a half sibling. There is a difference.

"Member" being the important word in your sentence. Think about what that means, think about membership, inclusivity, etc. He is the banished son.

People are being harsh on the OP imo.

Dodd

Total **** imo.
It is a girl wants to see her brother.
People are thinking far to deep into this.

I hate to think when the lad wants to have a girl friend or boy friend.


Poor kid.

LegacyUser

Dodd wrote: »

Total **** imo.
It is a girl wants to see her brother.
People are thinking far to deep into this.

I hate to think when the lad wants to have a girl friend or boy friend.


Poor kid.

Which bit do you not get?

It's a girl who wants to meet her half-brother, who she has never met.
She has a relationship with her father, her aunts, her uncles and her grandparents. These people are also his father, his aunts, his uncles and his grandparents (most of whom have passed me by with him in the buggy, or toddling along beside me over the years)..None of them have ever made contact with me, to get to know him from the day he was born, even though I made an effort when he was two, and was greeted with 'his dad could make things difficult for us'.
What do you think my sons first question will be? Do you think they can honestly have this relationship exclusively without my son wanting to get to know the rest of his family, only for them to reject him in real terms? It's one thing for them to have known about him and chosen to ignore him all of his life - how do you think he'll feel if he asks his half-sister can he meet them and she - says 'Em no, they don't want to know you - actually, your (our) father doesn't ever want to know you, but hey, it's alright because I'm your half-sister....'

sparkling sea

unregistered wrote: »

Which bit do you not get?

It's a girl who wants to meet her half-brother, who she has never met.
She has a relationship with her father, her aunts, her uncles and her grandparents. These people are also his father, his aunts, his uncles and his grandparents (most of whom have passed me by with him in the buggy, or toddling along beside me over the years)..None of them have ever made contact with me, to get to know him from the day he was born, even though I made an effort when he was two, and was greeted with 'his dad could make things difficult for us'.
What do you think my sons first question will be? Do you think they can honestly have this relationship exclusively without my son wanting to get to know the rest of his family, only for them to reject him in real terms? It's one thing for them to have known about him and chosen to ignore him all of his life - how do you think he'll feel if he asks his half-sister can he meet them and she - says 'Em no, they don't want to know you - actually, your (our) father doesn't ever want to know you, but hey, it's alright because I'm your half-sister....'

It might be better to deal with this one issue at a time - none can predict the future and your son may not be interested in his extended family for quite some time ( by then the hormones will have kicked in and he will have other things to think about )this should give you ample time to drip deal with the other issues. Lots of children have families who are odd because people are odd and selfish, your son will encounter people like this through out his life and you need to teach him the skills to cope with these situations - don' feel angry feel pity, they are the ones who are missing out. The only thing your son is missing out on is having to deal with negative people but he is getting a chance perhaps to have another positive person in his life, his sister

Your son does know all of this already - he may not think or talk about it but he do does realize it - its not affecting him probably because he has a trusting and stable and (hopefully) open relationship with you. Don't leave the past ruin the present.

He has a sister who wants to get to know him, it doesn't have to be stressful, upsetting. etc. You are not going to let your son go off with a stranger that neither you or he really know.
The girl could call to see both you and your son for half an hour and have a cup of tea or what ever. Obviously the building of any relationship will be a slow process - but if you control it and don't turn it in to a circus then it wont become one.

Your son doesn't need a sterile setup to get to know his sister, she and you should really be getting to know each other first, in an informal manner, she could call round - no pressure. Or perhaps ye could meet up for a McDonald's or go to the cinema. You would want to know he will be safe with this girl before you let her take him anywhere.
The ball is in your court, your can control how they meet, where when at the moment but that will not always be the case so it might be an idea if she becomes part of your family, so he (and by extension you) don't have to worry about becoming part of hers.

LegacyUser

sparkling sea wrote: »

The ball is in your court, your can control how they meet, where when at the moment but that will not always be the case so it might be an idea if she becomes part of your family, so he (and by extension you) don't have to worry about becoming part of hers.

Thank you for that very sensible message - as I said, I've told her we'll do nothing right at this moment. He is starting his summer hols next week, and I'm always very aware how they grow up over the summer months. I've kept in touch with her (via text) since we spoke - it's all very open and positive so they will meet at some point...just not right now...thanks again.