hello bipolar and confused

annamarina

hello
i just heard that my application for disability for bipolar will take another year. at the moment i live on benefits. my psychiatrist says i should only work part time. every day i look for part time work, nothing. it has been forever. my cv is really bad. i tried volunteering and was too depressed to go. emabarrassing and awful i know, but i want to be honest here otherwise people will not understand. i am constantly running out of money for food for me and my son 4 years old. i borrow money from friends, just little bits, to afford food several days in the month. if i find a part time job it wont be enough to live on. i will have to keep being on benefits and give my part time job money to benefits. i hate being on benefits it is depressing. most of the time i have a messy house and no enthusiasm to clean. it got so bad i employed a cheap cleaner to help otherwise i wouldnt cope. my son is getting to the age where he will remember things. i am happy some days but it is like i am sleepwalking through life most days.

i dont know what to do. sometimes i think stop looking for work. i get so many rejections. i am scared that if i find a job i wont be able to do it. and that i will stop turning up. its happened before. i am on medication and stable, but am really tired in the mornings. i hate this but my son plays on his own when he first wakes up because i cant get out of bed. this is a cry for help someone please help me understand what to do, what to focus on.

there is more i guess but i have to go out to meet someone now. my ex pays support and i see a psychiatrist, a good one, once a week. the money i get from my ex goes to the benefits office. i am fed up of being poor. i have nightmares of being a horrible role model to my son, on benefits and always broke etc when he is an adult.

thanks for letting me share.

loconnor1001

annamarina wrote: »

hello
i just heard that my application for disability for bipolar will take another year. at the moment i live on benefits. my psychiatrist says i should only work part time. every day i look for part time work, nothing. it has been forever. my cv is really bad. i tried volunteering and was too depressed to go. emabarrassing and awful i know, but i want to be honest here otherwise people will not understand. i am constantly running out of money for food for me and my son 4 years old. i borrow money from friends, just little bits, to afford food several days in the month. if i find a part time job it wont be enough to live on. i will have to keep being on benefits and give my part time job money to benefits. i hate being on benefits it is depressing. most of the time i have a messy house and no enthusiasm to clean. it got so bad i employed a cheap cleaner to help otherwise i wouldnt cope. my son is getting to the age where he will remember things. i am happy some days but it is like i am sleepwalking through life most days.

i dont know what to do. sometimes i think stop looking for work. i get so many rejections. i am scared that if i find a job i wont be able to do it. and that i will stop turning up. its happened before. i am on medication and stable, but am really tired in the mornings. i hate this but my son plays on his own when he first wakes up because i cant get out of bed. this is a cry for help someone please help me understand what to do, what to focus on.

there is more i guess but i have to go out to meet someone now. my ex pays support and i see a psychiatrist, a good one, once a week. the money i get from my ex goes to the benefits office. i am fed up of being poor. i have nightmares of being a horrible role model to my son, on benefits and always broke etc when he is an adult.

thanks for letting me share.

Have you thought of taking up a CE Scheme? Its only 20 hours a week and you get your full social welfare payment plus 20 euro extra. I too am bipolar, I am heavily medicated and highly depressive, I also suffer from severe anxiety which I take Xanax for in addition to the cocktail of meds Im already on. I manage the 20 hours a week fine. When things aren't fine I put on a smiley face space out and pretend things are fine.

Your post is actually irritating me. You have to do what you have to do. Bipolar is a disorder but you shouldnt look at it as a disability. I know all about it, I know its hard to hold down a job, I know its hard to get out of bed. I know all of these things believe me I do. Im not going to give you that bull**** line about how getting out of bed will make you feel better because it won't, but you have to get on with it. There is no other choice besides death and Im assuming that isn't an option for you or you would already be dead.

Im not trying to get down on you, but if you are stable, then you should try to sort something out, I know the job situation is dismal which is why I suggested a CE Scheme. You can also keep all your secondary benefits while on a scheme and depending on how long you have been unemployed and your age etc. you could be kept on for I think up to 3 years. I know its not a permanent thing but the way I look at it is that it is 1 year of my life that I dont have to worry about social welfare, and all the other **** that comes with it.

annamarina

thanks a lot for your reply loconner.
i am thinking maybe you are in the states, i am in europe and there is no ''cs scheme'' in the country i live in. maybe it wasn't clear in my post but i do actually look for work every day, quite a lot. i apply for full time and part time. i want part time and this is advised by my psychiatrist but i am finding nothing. really nothing at all. 20 hours per week is a goal and i search for that every single day.

i do want to change and i do want to work. so to you and others is it simply a question of just keep looking for work all the time until i find 20 hours per week? loconnor did you spend any time on benefits? ideally i would have an income part time and disability pay the difference so that i can afford to live.

i am really really underqualified. i live in a country where i am not fluent in the language (but have good knowledge) so that hinders me. then i have huge gaps in cv. i have been fired from jobs because i wasn't good enough (i am not very good in office / secreterial /receptionist roles even though i try really hard) i think the best kind of job for me is waitressing or cleaning or shop assistant in big chain... nobody seems to hire at 20 hours per week.

just fed up today think tomorrow will be better

loconnor1001

annamarina wrote: »

thanks a lot for your reply loconner.
i am thinking maybe you are in the states, i am in europe and there is no ''cs scheme'' in the country i live in. maybe it wasn't clear in my post but i do actually look for work every day, quite a lot. i apply for full time and part time. i want part time and this is advised by my psychiatrist but i am finding nothing. really nothing at all. 20 hours per week is a goal and i search for that every single day.

i do want to change and i do want to work. so to you and others is it simply a question of just keep looking for work all the time until i find 20 hours per week? loconnor did you spend any time on benefits? ideally i would have an income part time and disability pay the difference so that i can afford to live.

i am really really underqualified. i live in a country where i am not fluent in the language (but have good knowledge) so that hinders me. then i have huge gaps in cv. i have been fired from jobs because i wasn't good enough (i am not very good in office / secreterial /receptionist roles even though i try really hard) i think the best kind of job for me is waitressing or cleaning or shop assistant in big chain... nobody seems to hire at 20 hours per week.

just fed up today think tomorrow will be better

I live in Ireland. A CE scheme is a community employment scheme funded by FAS. Yes I have been on benefits since 2009, and took a CE scheme last January. You need to be on the dole for 12 months to qualify. There are also quite a few FAS courses (some of them aren't great) But again its giving you your full benefits, and in your case if you are under qualified then it is giving you skills. I understand that you look for work, so did I for nearly 2 years.
I didn't mean to sound horrible, Im just trying to say that whatever your psychiatrist advises, might be what they suggest, but it might not be what you need to do to survive.
I too have lost jobs because of my bipolar disorder, but with things as bad as they are I just have to choke it up and do what I have to do in order to pay the bills and eat. Ideally I would love to get disability and work part time as well, but unfortunately that probably isnt going to happen anytime in the near future.
Seriously you should have a look at the FAS website and check out what they have going for CE schemes in your area.
The people that I work with are very understanding, and I only work 2.5 days a week for my full pay. I like to work my hours in as few days as possible, but some people do 4 days (5 hours) because they have kids and what not. I find that I can get on with anything for 2.5 days a week. Especially if you are stable right now.
Again, please accept my apology if I came off as cross, I wasn't trying to be.
Hope tomorrow is better for you

katiebelle

Can I just say that you don't sound stable, you sound depressed. Maybe you should at a medication tweak ??? Just because you are not manic or hypomanic does not mean you are stable. Please tell your psy that you find it difficult to get out of bed ect. Good luck with the job search and dont give up hope. Things change when we least expect it to