Bullies & building self-esteem

goodomens

I have read somewhere that the bully sees (at an unconscious level) insecurities in the victim, which remind him of himself. In other words, he sees an image of himself in the victim and feels compelled to hurt in attempt to banish those inner problems.

Makes sense? What are your thoughts?

I for one have seen this right throughout my life, bullies would just look at you in a certain way, in disgust and just feel compelled to bully, in whatever form. Thankfully now that I'm working on my self-esteem and confidence, I will rarely if ever have a problem with bullies ever again, which made life so difficult. I found them everywhere.

1995sarah

Yeah, bullies can smell you out like a rat. Their everywhere, even here on this website. Some are good at what they do, others ain't so good.
What is the saying, the uneducated fight with their fists,
The educated fight with their mouths.
Both can by bullies, just use different tactics;)

robman60

I don't think the bully sees something which reminds them of themselves, necessarily. I think the bully just sees a vulnerable point in the eventual victim, but I think the whole essence of bullying involves the highlighting of something which the bully feels the victim should be ashamed of.

In my opinion, a bully will not expose this perceived fault if it is present in themselves, even if the bully has attempted to conceal the "flaw" in themselves. I think it is usually something that the bully feels does not affect them, and therefore, the victim's pain can serve as consolation for the bully.

wayhey

I think it's too hard to apply a sweeping statement such as "Bullies bully because they perceive their own weaknesses in a victim". I think bullying happens for a multitude of reasons.

Yahew

I thought the whole "bullies are insecure" was debunked. Bullies are often - more often than not - very confident.

Torakx

I used to get bullied alot growing up,purely because of my religion.
I dont think those kids did so because they werent happy with their religion which allowed them to pretty much live a normal life,compared to me who could not do so.
I think because i was different, it was seen as a threat to the less intelligent or close-minded kids and so they found an outlet fro their issues in me.
Its easier to hate or act out on a percieved enemy or easy target outside the home or the self, than aknowledge the issues within the family or in your head.
Alot of those kids had troubled family lives or missing parents an stuff.
I also had friends who had alcoholic dads and acepted me as i was.
I presume they just dealth with these issues in different ways and maybe were more secure in themselves,now that i think about it they were all in local sports clubs(which i was not allowed attend).
That may be why they learned to deal with stuff better than the kids who were just let lose.

I think at a base level bullying is an outlet of agression or emotions toward an easy target.
I think it may come from an unwillingness to look within ones self and aknowledge pain or suffering.
Alot of posters who bully i do notice too are mostly loading their ego which to me seems like the same kind of thing as above,but in another form and more subtle.

As we are in the anthropology forum i will also say i think we as humans are inherently tribal and so anyone not fitting in so well is seen more so as an outsider.
Through our history "outsider" has alot of the time be known to be associated with danger,caution,change.

With all that said i think sometimes too that people for example who bully or tease and slag homosexuals with an obvious intent, may have conflicting issues in that area and are worried accepting them would be aknowledging it in themselves especially when with a group of pers who are thinking the same thing about themselves.

It seems to me a group of like minded lads like this would constantly be trying to convince each other they arent gay and so thinking on such things so much may cause them to aknowledge the elephant in the room unconsciously, more so than if they had accepted others for who and how they are.

Torakx

Yahew wrote: »

I thought the whole "bullies are insecure" was debunked. Bullies are often - more often than not - very confident.

Actualy i sometimes question this too.
Confidence can be seen in many ways.
I am confident about my sporting abilities because i played alot of sports and experienced for myself my own skills compared to others.
The polar opposite of that for me is i am socially not so confident.
Because of my experience with being bullied etc i have learned that to open up is to leave an opening for someone to take advantage.

I think myslef anyway that a bully can be insecure about many things and still be socially confident.They may for example have learned as a child that hitting another child will make him go away.But still be insecure about having friends and trusting them.
If this is reinforced over the years he will most likely learn that acting out physically or with verbal abuse will ussually protect him from his insecurities.And maybe the realisation that that is his power will continue to use this as a form of defence.
I think thats why groups of similar lads go together sometimes when they bully.Its because they all think the same and share a likeness that isnt ever openly aknowledged.
But the action is a pack like behaviour it seems to me.

With that in mind i think alot of egotistical posters have alot of self esteem issues and seek constant self aknowledgment or whatever word suits the raising of ones ego.
I have alot of ego issues for example.Low self esteem means i value praise so highly that i am embarrassed to ever recieve it lol
The only reason i dont bully people on an intellectual level is i had respect drilled into me growing up and also i am very aware of my self,maybe from being an introvert that is natural.

Maybe most bullies at least socially are more extroverted and less self aware?

I really think self awareness and self acceptance is one of the major keys to helping kids who are in the early stages of becoming "bullies".