Single Mothers

Mommylove22

I am single mum of a baby girl, Alexus. My partner and I did not continue a relationship after my beautiful baby was born over a year ago, and so far I have been completely on my own.

I thought I would begin a thread for any single mums who would be interested in having a support group or who are in a similar situation as myself, and for anyone wanting to discuss the joys of being a mum.

Justask

WEll done you

Being a single mum is not easy but its the most rewarding thing in the world..

You can turn around at every special event you little one is involved in and say 'I did that, on my own'

Im one of those mums that everyone hates I go on all the time about how proud I am of my son and how wonderful he is and I make no appoligies for it.

If you set up something let me know.
But stay here for support about things. I find it great.

Again Well done you

Fittle

Might be setting the cat amongst the pigeons here but I find there is very little joy in parenting alone! Yes, I find tremendous joy in parenting - and I adore my son more than I ever imagined I could - but the challenges and the struggles are doubled, because we are doing it alone, without support from their other parent.
In the early years, I found it the most unrewarding and boring of jobs - I was lonelier than I had ever been in my whole life, despite the fact that I had lived alone for long periods of my life (before I had him)...even though I had this other human being in my home with me.
Even now, 9 years later, there are days when I am just fed up doing this on my own - and yet, I love this boy more than life itself - so I find I am in constant conflict with myself - loving this child so much that I would die for him, and hating the situation we (I) find myself in.

I never bought into that 'I get all the cuddles while his dad gets none' to be honest - I think it's an excuse we tell ourselves. Every child deserves two parents to love them and there is little reward in knowing that your childs father (or other parent) doesn't love him the way you do.

I would love a support group that revolved around honesty - not negativity, nor moaning - but just being honest with each other about the challenges we face ever minute, as people who are parenting alone. The responsibility of every aspect of their lives that can't be shared with another person - the juggling of childcare when it is only you who has to arrange everything - a group that would offer practical support around other issues also.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood today and I apologise OP, if this was not the response you wanted - but I just wanted to be honest and admit that there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone - for me anyway!

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

Might be setting the cat amongst the pigeons here but I find there is very little joy in parenting alone! Yes, I find tremendous joy in parenting - and I adore my son more than I ever imagined I could - but the challenges and the struggles are doubled, because we are doing it alone, without support from their other parent.
In the early years, I found it the most unrewarding and boring of jobs - I was lonelier than I had ever been in my whole life, despite the fact that I had lived alone for long periods of my life (before I had him)...even though I had this other human being in my home with me.
Even now, 9 years later, there are days when I am just fed up doing this on my own - and yet, I love this boy more than life itself - so I find I am in constant conflict with myself - loving this child so much that I would die for him, and hating the situation we (I) find myself in.

I never bought into that 'I get all the cuddles while his dad gets none' to be honest - I think it's an excuse we tell ourselves. Every child deserves two parents to love them and there is little reward in knowing that your childs father (or other parent) doesn't love him the way you do.

I would love a support group that revolved around honesty - not negativity, nor moaning - but just being honest with each other about the challenges we face ever minute, as people who are parenting alone. The responsibility of every aspect of their lives that can't be shared with another person - the juggling of childcare when it is only you who has to arrange everything - a group that would offer practical support around other issues also.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood today and I apologise OP, if this was not the response you wanted - but I just wanted to be honest and admit that there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone - for me anyway!

Hey Fittle.
I found your post so honest and maybe a little sad.
Every child does deserve 2 parent to love them of course, but not all parents want to love the child... I have never asked or begged my sons father for aa thing least of all to love his son.
He is the adult and if he can decide to turn his back on his own flesh and blood tbh hes not a parent in my eyes!
I think a very important thing is when your on your own with a chld to make sure you get a break from them.

But as for there are few joys to parenting! I totally disagree sorry.

We should set up some sort of mum group. Most Mother groups like that are for mums and toddlers and mine is way past toddler

RedXIV

^^^^^ with regards to Fittle's post above, and forgive me if I sound blasé, but why not start one? seriously?

Find a community hall or something, or even start it out of someone's house first and then invite people to join it? I know technically my girlfriend isn't a single mom but she too gets annoyed being at home all day, and I'm sure would welcome a haven where women could even just sit down and have a cup of tea with another adult.

Again, I really don't want to come across as flippant but most of what you need to organise could be done online, and if you're in on your own in the evening, you should be able to do this?

P.S. I think single mom's are fantastic. my girlfriend was a single mom when I met her and I always was impressed by her independance

Morag

Gingerbread Ireland used to run support groups for lone parents, I know someone who used to facilitate them. Gingerbread merged into http://onefamily.ie and they have help and support for those who are parenting alone.

Fittle

Justask wrote: »

But as for there are few joys to parenting! I totally disagree sorry.

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

Fittle

Sharrow wrote: »

Gingerbread Ireland used to run support groups for lone parents, I know someone who used to facilitate them. Gingerbread merged into http://onefamily.ie and they have help and support for those who are parenting alone.

They are a great organisation Sharrow, I agree.

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

My mistake sorry

Cavehill Red

Fittle wrote: »

They are a great organisation Sharrow, I agree.

Great for single mums. For single dads, not quite so much.
Roll on the day there's a single fathers representative organisation funded to the hilt by the taxpayer.
Actually, scratch that, Just equity in law would be nice.
Anyhow, on-topic, single mums seeking support should find they get a great hearing from the above mentioned organisation.

Justask

In an ideal world there would of course be a mum and dad in a childs life.

This is not an ideal world obviously.

I suppose im different from some parent but I enjoy been on my own with my child, maybe i've got used to it cos im doing it so long. And I will make no apoloies for it.

im not saying single mums/dads have a walk in the park, no parent does.


But of course that just my opinion.

Fittle

Justask wrote: »

I suppose im different from some parent but I enjoy been on my own with my child, maybe i've got used to it cos im doing it so long. And I will make no apoloies for it.

I've read some of your posts, and you do seem quite upbeat in general. I've been doing it for 9yrs now and I'm also well used to it - can't say I enjoy doing it alone though. What do you enjoy about parenting alone exactly?

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

I've read some of your posts, and you do seem quite upbeat in general. I've been doing it for 9yrs now and I'm also well used to it - can't say I enjoy doing it alone though. What do you enjoy about parenting alone exactly?

Thats a hard question to answer directly.

I enjoy when people tell me im doing a good job, thats hes a great funny kid and brillant company.

Our days out, our meals together. The things he says.

Dont get me wrong when he has his room in a state and has his kevin and perry moment I could dance on him.

I suppose I am really lucky that he has never given me a oz of trouble, maybe if he was giving me trouble i'd be different.

I just love being a mum.
Im not sure that answered you

Dodd

I'm not mum but I did bring up my son from age 6.
What helped a lot was getting interested in the stuff he was interested in.
I had no interest in rugby but when he did then I learned the players names
and watched it with him.
I played the computer games with him when I had time and I read the instructions as I knew he wouldn't have.:)

Anyway he is all grown up now and we still watch soccer and rugby matches
together.

Fittle

I do all of that - he is football mad and we've started to go to our local sports club on a sunday to watch a Man U game (they do a nice carvery too:))...I bring him to the Aviva for matches etc. I've realised that my life is dictated by him for now, and will be, for another few years. He's very lucky in that I love football myself, having grown up in a house full of older brothers;) My lad is also a dote, never gives me an ounce of bother and I would have ten of him, if I could.

Still doesn't take away from the fact that I'd rather not be doing it alone - and that for his sake, he had a father in his life who loved him in the same way that I do.
What you are talking about Justask is parenting - every parent enjoys those things - it's parenting alone that's somewhat different.

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

What you are talking about Justask is parenting - every parent enjoys those things - it's parenting alone that's somewhat different.

Yea your right

I just love been a mum, I suppose thats the best answer I can give

Sorry im not great at putting words together

greengirl31

I think parenting is hard - Full stop!! It doesn't matter if you're doing it alone or you're partner because both situations has different challenges. I am the only single parent among my friends and I've seen the struggles they go through - Like the resentment that sets in cause hubby doesn't do enough around the house, Doesn't play with the kids, "can't" go to the parent teacher meeting etc etc etc ... The mother in ANY household takes the lead when it comes to parenting I think.
However, I love being a Mum. My little is only 3 and we have great fun together!! we go to the park, on our little adventures and when she turns around at bed time and tells me she had fun with me today, my heart melts! Don't get me wrong, the nights she's kicking off I could throttle her but I honestly don't know how having her dad around at times like that would make things better cause It'd be grating on my nerves anyway !!

hacked

If you're setting up some sort of support group, I'd be really interested. I am a single mother to a 15 year old girl. My fiancèe and i split while i was in the first trimester and I have done it alone from the start.

I love being a mommy, my little girl is a complete joy in my life, but it can be tough and rather isolating by times. I wouldn't change it for the world, my daughter is the best part of me and I just love spending time with the little odd ball. It would be nice to meet others like me though, sometimes it can be really hard to talk to my friends or my boyfriend about how i feel because they ust can't understand.

chirogirl

Hi,

I'm about to be a single mum to be. My baby is due to born in July. The Father of the baby doesn't want to be involved in the childs upbringing etc. I've accepted this and feel I have moved on. I've been looking online for single parent support groups, but there appears to be little out there.

Morag

I'd suggest that you get in touch with http://onefamily.ie and ask.

Fittle

There are many organisations out there who support single mothers, particularly during pregnancy. You should also try http://www.treoir.ie/ who can provide you with very practical information around maternity benefit, your options should you decide not to return to work etc. You should also contact your local community centre - I found a huge amount going on at local level that I had no idea about. Where do you live?

bulmersgal

I've been a single mum since I was 6 weeks pregnant, my daughter is going to be 15 months soon.

I can see both the pro's and con's of being a single mum, sometimes i'd love somebody there to help with the day to day, somebody to get opinions of when there sick as you are never sure if your over or under acting. Or when i go out not having to worry about organising babysitters.

On the other hand i'd have 2 babys to look after if I was still with my ex, I wouldn't of gotten any help on the things listed above as he would of been out cheating on me. So i'm better off without him.

I love my freedom, I love having my daughter all to myself, I love how strong i've had to become since I found out I was pregnant.

As much as I love my life at the moment, I do however hope to fall in love and have a bigger family at some stage. Also I don't think i'd love my life if I didn't get such great support from family and friends.

I would be very interested in support group or even just people to meet during week for tea and chat. If anybody is interested in meeting during the week i'm free most days besides thursday.

hacked

haha i just made a huge typo! 15 month old! not year old!

Bulmers...i remember you from the prengnancy forum days Wherebouts do you live again? Would love to meet up with the girls sometime, they are the same age!

bulmersgal

Hi Hacked yeah I remember you to from pregnancy days god that feels so long ago now. I would love to meet up. I live in Celbridge but have car so can drive wherever. I'm free most days during the week, but we should be nice for girls to play together. Even though Elisha will prob spend the whole time running around like i've given her 2 red bulls beforehand

lolli

I have much respect for you Ladies that are doing it alone. Well done girls!

Oh and ye are very welcome to come to Wexford

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

If you re-read my post, you will see that I said there are few joys to parenting when you are doing it alone.

Of course there are joys to parenting - I smile at my lad every day and am thankful everyday that I have him - I sometimes wonder where life might have brought me if it weren't for him.

Of course my post is a little sad. How can it not be sad that a person who created this child with you, doesn't give a toss about them? How can you not look at your child and feel that they deserve the love of a father, and a mother? Of course it's sad.

That's not to say I am sad every day - far from it. Nor would my lad have a clue I even feel like this. But I never bought into this joys of parenting alone - there are few joys when you're doing it solo - unless of course someone can point some out to me?

with all due respect fittle, nothing is quite so black and white. everyones situation is different. i for one am glad i am a single parent as the other alternative (to still have my ex in our lives) would be devastatingly bad.
of course you can say parenting alone is harder but certainly not in my case.

metrovelvet

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

Fittle it could be a lot worse.

Personally I would not be interested in a support groups for single mothers, but that is because I get tired of the category and I dont want it consuming all parts of my identity.

TheMilkyPirate

greengirl31 wrote: »

I think parenting is hard - Full stop!! It doesn't matter if you're doing it alone or you're partner because both situations has different challenges. I am the only single parent among my friends and I've seen the struggles they go through - Like the resentment that sets in cause hubby doesn't do enough around the house, Doesn't play with the kids, "can't" go to the parent teacher meeting etc etc etc ... The mother in ANY household takes the lead when it comes to parenting I think.
However, I love being a Mum. My little is only 3 and we have great fun together!! we go to the park, on our little adventures and when she turns around at bed time and tells me she had fun with me today, my heart melts! Don't get me wrong, the nights she's kicking off I could throttle her but I honestly don't know how having her dad around at times like that would make things better cause It'd be grating on my nerves anyway !!

That's a bit unfair and not necessarly true.

ash23

This "who has it harder" thing bugs me.

It's not what support groups are about. it's not competition as to who has it harder. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is hard. Parenting with a hostile ex is hard. Parenting with a co=parent is hard.
Each has it's own issues and problems and there is nothing worse than where someone comes and says they are struggling or finding it hard or not liking it and someone else tells them they find it easy or that they are wrong to feel that way.
Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and preferences and personal situations.

This is why I always hated single parenting groups as I always found them full of people just looking to win the "who has it worst" competition.
In fact, I quite dislike the idea of a parenting group specifically for single parents. I find it ironic that many complain of feeling out of place in a regular mother and toddler group and then go on to set up a support group which excludes people in relationships.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

You've never experienced option A so how can you say it's better or worse or that you'd prefer it?

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Fittle it could be a lot worse.

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

This "who has it harder" thing bugs me.

It's not what support groups are about. it's not competition as to who has it harder. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is hard. Parenting with a hostile ex is hard. Parenting with a co=parent is hard.
Each has it's own issues and problems and there is nothing worse than where someone comes and says they are struggling or finding it hard or not liking it and someone else tells them they find it easy or that they are wrong to feel that way.
Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and preferences and personal situations.

This is why I always hated single parenting groups as I always found them full of people just looking to win the "who has it worst" competition.
In fact, I quite dislike the idea of a parenting group specifically for single parents. I find it ironic that many complain of feeling out of place in a regular mother and toddler group and then go on to set up a support group which excludes people in relationships.


You've never experienced option A so how can you say it's better or worse or that you'd prefer it?

I dont lik the idea of a particularised terminology. Married mothers are just mothers,but unwed mothers, the mothers of children out of wedlock get a deviant terminology, and I'm not going to validate it by ghettosing myself into a 'support' group for a particularised group.

Yes, I get that people crave and need empathy, it is the huge step to moving forward, to getting through things, just to hear an understanding voice, but the thing is, there is no guarantee you will get this from these groups when everyone is starved for the same human need, like ash says, it can turn into a sufferring competitition, because everyone is starved for the same thing. So I'd rather go to a shrink myself rather than seek nourishment from other starved individuals.