Single Mothers

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

You are absolutely right, it could be and it should be. But it isnt. Why pipe dream? It sucks, its not right, its an injustice, totally with you on all of it.

The only way out of the abyss of this is to look at what you do have, what your child has and to come to accept it.

It violates all we grow up with, all we have learned that a parent doesnt always love their children. It seems monstrous and abhorrent because its such an anethema to most of our values, but the truth is you cant make one person love another, even if they are family. And instead of feeling deprived about it, the only choice I feel I have is to move through it, accept it, and count my blessings. That is the only way out for me. Otherwise, I could sink in it.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont lik the idea of a particularised terminology. Married mothers are just mothers,but unwed mothers, the mothers of children out of wedlock get a deviant terminology, and I'm not going to validate it by ghettosing myself into a 'support' group for a particularised group.

Yes, I get that people crave and need empathy, it is the huge step to moving forward, to getting through things, just to hear an understanding voice, but the thing is, there is no guarantee you will get this from these groups when everyone is starved for the same human need, like ash says, it can turn into a sufferring competitition, because everyone is starved for the same thing. So I'd rather go to a shrink myself rather than seek nourishment from other starved individuals.

But you do it too. You might not realise it but you did it in your last post, telling fittle she doesn't have it as hard as you do.
I wouldn't think to tell someone who has a co-parent that they have it easier, nor would I think to tell someone who is married that they have it easier.
They do in certain aspects but not in others.

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

It could also be alot better. Our children could be growing up knowing and being loved by their absent parent, as well as the one who is present.

its all a bit fantastical sounding to me.

yes, my child could be growing up with her mammy and her father, but that would be a much worse situation than the current one.

the reality of it is that my ex was not a good parent or person, so i look at it from a realistic pov. i'm not one to get swept up in fantasies where he is a good parent and how things could have been different because it does no good.

i'm not having a go fittle btw, i dont know your current situation, maybe the father of your child was/is a good man and you would be better off with him still in your life.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

You are absolutely right, it could be and it should be. But it isnt. Why pipe dream?

I'm not dreaming at all. My dreaming days were over years ago.

I just also think this 'it could be worse' lark is another excuse we tell ourselves to get past the pain.

I agree with ash about the parenting groups - I have found supports through school and friends I have made there over the years. I think to join a Parenting Alone Group would be to victimise ourselves (and by default, our kids).

I do understand the OP's first post though - I felt exactly the same when my child was tiny - but I think, as they got older, we realise alot of our 'woes' are the woes of all parents, and not just those who are parenting alone.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

But you do it too. You might not realise it but you did it in your last post, telling fittle she doesn't have it as hard as you do.
I wouldn't think to tell someone who has a co-parent that they have it easier, nor would I think to tell someone who is married that they have it easier.
They do in certain aspects but not in others.

Where did I tell her that? I never told her I had it harder than she had. I just said it could be worse, which it can. You could have a child with cancer for example.

I dont mean to demean or devalue someone's experiences by saying those things, it's just something I focus on.

RachaelVO

Gotta say, reading through this thread, I don't envy any single parent out there. I have two (2 and 4), and they are the absolute light of my life, but I'm glad I have my hubby at the end of the day! I am with them the majority of the time, but at least towards the end of the day I can have an adult conversation!

I think the idea of a boards single parents group is a great one, we all need a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, a decent cuppa and every once in a while a chocolate biccie to go with it. Not to mention the fact that it's just good to have someone to natter with!

greengirl31

baraca wrote: »

That's a bit unfair and not necessarly true.

It was a general statement and it is my opinion. I have often found that the mother will take care about the littler things that Dad would not really think about ... They support each other but find the the mother usually takes the lead ... I'm not saying it as a bad thing I just think it's the way it is !!

But I know that is not true in all cases but I've found it to be true in the majority ....

Fittle

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

its all a bit fantastical sounding to me.

yes, my child could be growing up with her mammy and her father, but that would be a much worse situation than the current one.

the reality of it is that my ex was not a good parent or person, so i look at it from a realistic pov. i'm not one to get swept up in fantasies where he is a good parent and how things could have been different because it does no good.

i'm not having a go fittle btw, i dont know your current situation, maybe the father of your child was/is a good man and you would be better off with him still in your life.

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

Where did I tell her that? I never told her I had it harder than she had. I just said it could be worse, which it can. You could have a child with cancer for example.

I dont mean to demean or devalue someone's experiences by saying those things, it's just something I focus on.

Parenting alone is hard. Parenting alone with a hostile other parent who doesnt parent but wants to destoy you is even harder. I would take option A.

You said given the choice between what you have and what she has, you'd choose what she has, ergo you have it worse.Thats very dismissive of what Fittle was saying about how she feels about being a single parent. I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone saying how they feel with a "could be worse". if goes against the whole idea of a "support" group.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

I know what you are trying to say - and yes other people's woes certainly do not fill the bog void left by an absent parent. There is no doubt about that. You dont sound woe is me at all, and there is nothing wrong with acknowedging that the whole thing is not right, because it isn't right.

But, then what do we do with that? I feel that with all of that, I have no choice but to find a creative solution to it, to find the luminosity in it-whereever it may be- and weave it together into something that will be good for my son. What other choice is there?

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

I know you're not having a go;)

And I know my posts might be coming across as a bit 'woe is me' - which isn't my intention at all!! I 100% agree that in my own case, my child is who is is because of me - I know all the good stuff, I really do. But I think we often try to get ourselves through the hardship by coming up with these expressions....and I think particularly when the kids are tiny, it's difficult not to wallow in the sadness of having a child who's other parent doesn't love them (I'm referring to the OP here).

One of my best friends has a husband, two children, three homes, a fabulous job and 3 cars (don't ask!). And hand on heart, I would not swap my life with hers for one second. Her husband is the most un-supportive idiot of a man I have ever had the displeasure to know - he has no interest in his children, expects a round of applause if he so much as buys them a McD's etc. So I know life could be worse, as I see it every day in her life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say....anyway, sorry OP - I don't know if you got much support for your single mothers support group

you see i never seen it as a hardship at the time, looking back i can see that i didnt really have much of a life for myself and would never have another child and go back to that but tbh, i just didnt find it that difficult. i know i am very lucky with a great family as support though, so maybe thats it.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

You said given the choice between what you have and what she has, you'd choose what she has, ergo you have it worse.Thats very dismissive of what Fittle was saying about how she feels about being a single parent. I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone saying how they feel with a "could be worse". if goes against the whole idea of a "support" group.

No I never said that. One because I never said I had option B myself. I just said between these two options one is harder than the other. You assumed that I have option B.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

No I never said that. One because I never said I had option B myself. I just said between these two options one is harder than the other. You assumed that I have option B.

I don't assume. It's what you have, going on other posts you've mentioned it before. You've often said you'd rather have no parent involved than a parent who flits in and out etc.
And I disagree that one is harder. Each has it's own advantages and disadvantages.

Fittle

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

i just didnt find it that difficult. i know i am very lucky with a great family as support though, so maybe thats it.

Yep, there is a huge difference if you have family support - monstrous. I have a friend who had her child around the same time as mine, she regularly compares our lives as women who are 'on their own' etc and genuinely believes we have the same lifestyle!!

She spends her days in her mothers house, works p/t while her child is in school (so has no childcare costs), has 3 sisters living in close proximity so has never paid a penny for babysitting and can go anywhere and everywhere without even attempting to think about who will mind her daughter. I envy her lifestyle and genuinely wish I had anything remotely like it!

So yes, it's hugely different if you don't have family support.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

I don't assume. It's what you have, going on other posts you've mentioned it before. You've often said you'd rather have no parent involved than a parent who flits in and out etc.
And I disagree that one is harder. Each has it's own advantages and disadvantages.

Oh ash 23, you are confounding things terribly.

Having been on both sides of option A and Option B I can say that that having no parent involved than one trying to destroy you is definitely easier. Secondly, having another adult trying to destroy you is not the same thing as a flit in and out other parent. Not the same at all. Im not talking about flit in and out parents, Im talking about something else, things which could be worse, like a child with cancer.

we'llallhavetea_old

Fittle wrote: »

Yep, there is a huge difference if you have family support - monstrous. I have a friend who had her child around the same time as mine, she regularly compares our lives as women who are 'on their own' etc and genuinely believes we have the same lifestyle!!

She spends her days in her mothers house, works p/t while her child is in school (so has no childcare costs), has 3 sisters living in close proximity so has never paid a penny for babysitting and can go anywhere and everywhere without even attempting to think about who will mind her daughter. I envy her lifestyle and genuinely wish I had anything remotely like it!

So yes, it's hugely different if you don't have family support.

ah, ok, that is massively sh!tty alright. i dunno how she can compare her situation to yours tbh, if my family and friends were gone in the morning i honestly don't know how i would cope. so, er, i am done with the badgering now

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

Oh ash 23, you are confounding things terribly.

Having been on both sides of option A and Option B I can say that that having no parent involved than one trying to destroy you is definitely easier. Secondly, having another adult trying to destroy you is not the same thing as a flit in and out other parent. Not the same at all. Im not talking about flit in and out parents, Im talking about something else, things which could be worse, like a child with cancer.

Right whatever...so everytime something happens to someone we'll say "it could be worse, your child could be terminally ill". Get over it, you could be dying.
It makes no sense to support someone by telling them things could be worse. I mean obviously things could be worse. We could all be living in a third world country, watching our kids starve to death.

I find it a total insult to tell people who are posting for support that it could be worse. Thats not advice and it's not support. It doesn't do anything for the person other than make them feel guilty for being concerned about their own problems.

Personally you found one option easier than another. I have a different experience. i don't presume to say you're wrong to find one easier. you've your own issues and experiences. But I just dislike the whole "could be worse" as a form of "advice".
It's not supportive, it's dismissive.

I hate single parenting. It's crap and I don't like it. Of course it could be worse but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it any more than I do now.

RachaelVO

Wow, in a few short posts this thread is really starting to degenerate. Lots of sniping going on! I think some of the "sniping" posts are going off topic, and the thread will end up closed if ye don't stop, and I don't think that's too fair on the OP and some of the other posters!

greengirl31

This is what I don't like about single parents "support" groups/threads ... Eventually it turns into a "who has it worse" situation, be it between mothers and fathers or other mothers.

Personally, I don't like being labelled as a single mother - I'm a mother, and I don't think I should be treated any different to any other mother. I think single mothers an element of being a victim and I don't like to see myself as a victim. I do have alot of family support though and I might have a completely different attitude if that was not the case but I digress ...

In an Ideal world, me and my ex would still be together (and he wouldn't be the spineless twit that he is), My daughter would have the love and support of both her parents and everything would be wonderful. But, there are 2 parent families where one parent does the lions share of the parenting and we all know a family like this ...

For me though, I would like to have a boyfriend/partner, but not to share the parenting - I can do that all my myself. I'd like one for me - As support for me, to share my life with, Maybe it'll happen some day but for now, I'm happy with my lot :-)

hacked

WOWWEEE! I think some of the posts on here are really really harsh to be honest with you.

As for the single parenting thing. Yes, its very hard that my daughter doesn't get to grow up with a dad that loves her, but so what? It's actually not the worst thing in the world. I grew up with a dad, and you know what? I would have been much better off growing up in a one parent family! Growing up with a father who was no good was more damaging that not growing up with one at all.
And besides, i wont be alone forever. Someday i'll meet someone and get married, and when that happens I would like to think he could adopt my daughter, and we could have a proper family. Maybe not conventional, but one full of love I hope. With that said, it might never happen, but we all know theres more than one way to have a family!

Yes, I'm a single parent, no I don't regret it or find it so hard i feel teh need to whine all the time. I don't think most single parents feel that way (at least not the ones ive met!) ACTUALLY, its the parents who aren't single that make it this big ordeal. When I talk to them they treat me with special care sometimes, act like i must have it so tough, ask about her father etc. I Don't want to talk about that any of that. I love my life, i love my daughter. The only little complaints i have are the same ones every parent has...single or otherwise....the house always being a mess, feeling tired, always being busy!

I think a single parent group would be great. I do attend normal mother toddler groups, and i enjoy them, but there IS a difference. Some people do feel sorry for you, they do go oooh that must be so hard, and no, they don't understand where you are coming from sometimes because they dont have the same situation. It can make you feel a little off at times, not that thats a bad thing. I woiuld never exclude those groups, as its all for the benefit of my daughter.

I don't see how we're pigeonholing ourselves. All I Would like to do is meet other people in my situation where I can just go along and feel COMFTORABLE and know people will understand they i dont want to talk about situation and the whole long story about what happened with my daughters father!! If people are goingto be going to moan and cry and swap sob stories, they are looking for the wrong thing. I would just like to meet some cool people in similiar circumstances i can be friends with and just hang out....

greengirl31

hacked wrote: »

WOWWEEE! I think some of the posts on here are really really harsh to be honest with you.

As for the single parenting thing. Yes, its very hard that my daughter doesn't get to grow up with a dad that loves her, but so what? It's actually not the worst thing in the world. I grew up with a dad, and you know what? I would have been much better off growing up in a one parent family! Growing up with a father who was no good was more damaging that not growing up with one at all.
And besides, i wont be alone forever. Someday i'll meet someone and get married, and when that happens I would like to think he could adopt my daughter, and we could have a proper family. Maybe not conventional, but one full of love I hope. With that said, it might never happen, but we all know theres more than one way to have a family!

Yes, I'm a single parent, no I don't regret it or find it so hard i feel teh need to whine all the time. I don't think most single parents feel that way (at least not the ones ive met!) ACTUALLY, its the parents who aren't single that make it this big ordeal. When I talk to them they treat me with special care sometimes, act like i must have it so tough, ask about her father etc. I Don't want to talk about that any of that. I love my life, i love my daughter. The only little complaints i have are the same ones every parent has...single or otherwise....the house always being a mess, feeling tired, always being busy!

I think a single parent group would be great. I do attend normal mother toddler groups, and i enjoy them, but there IS a difference. Some people do feel sorry for you, they do go oooh that must be so hard, and no, they don't understand where you are coming from sometimes because they dont have the same situation. It can make you feel a little off at times, not that thats a bad thing. I woiuld never exclude those groups, as its all for the benefit of my daughter.

I don't see how we're pigeonholing ourselves. All I Would like to do is meet other people in my situation where I can just go along and feel COMFTORABLE and know people will understand they i dont want to talk about situation and the whole long story about what happened with my daughters father!! If people are goingto be going to moan and cry and swap sob stories, they are looking for the wrong thing. I would just like to meet some cool people in similiar circumstances i can be friends with and just hang out....

That's exactly what I was trying to say but you've put it much better than me :-)

Justask

ash23 wrote: »

I hate single parenting. It's crap and I don't like it. Of course it could be worse but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it any more than I do now.

Would it be ok to ask why you hate 'Single parenting'?

Justask

hacked wrote: »

WOWWEEE! I think some of the posts on here are really really harsh to be honest with you.

As for the single parenting thing. Yes, its very hard that my daughter doesn't get to grow up with a dad that loves her, but so what? It's actually not the worst thing in the world. I grew up with a dad, and you know what? I would have been much better off growing up in a one parent family! Growing up with a father who was no good was more damaging that not growing up with one at all.
And besides, i wont be alone forever. Someday i'll meet someone and get married, and when that happens I would like to think he could adopt my daughter, and we could have a proper family. Maybe not conventional, but one full of love I hope. With that said, it might never happen, but we all know theres more than one way to have a family!

Yes, I'm a single parent, no I don't regret it or find it so hard i feel teh need to whine all the time. I don't think most single parents feel that way (at least not the ones ive met!) ACTUALLY, its the parents who aren't single that make it this big ordeal. When I talk to them they treat me with special care sometimes, act like i must have it so tough, ask about her father etc. I Don't want to talk about that any of that. I love my life, i love my daughter. The only little complaints i have are the same ones every parent has...single or otherwise....the house always being a mess, feeling tired, always being busy!

I think a single parent group would be great. I do attend normal mother toddler groups, and i enjoy them, but there IS a difference. Some people do feel sorry for you, they do go oooh that must be so hard, and no, they don't understand where you are coming from sometimes because they dont have the same situation. It can make you feel a little off at times, not that thats a bad thing. I woiuld never exclude those groups, as its all for the benefit of my daughter.

I don't see how we're pigeonholing ourselves. All I Would like to do is meet other people in my situation where I can just go along and feel COMFTORABLE and know people will understand they i dont want to talk about situation and the whole long story about what happened with my daughters father!! If people are goingto be going to moan and cry and swap sob stories, they are looking for the wrong thing. I would just like to meet some cool people in similiar circumstances i can be friends with and just hang out....

I wish I could put it the way you do...Thank you

ash23

Justask wrote: »

Would it be ok to ask why you hate 'Single parenting'?

Because I find it crap.

It's lonely, it's hard going trying to juggle full time work and a child without feeling like you're giving the kid a raw deal. That even though I'm working, with only one wage coming in to pay for everything I'm always broke, that trying to get a sitter I can afford is like looking for hens teeth, that I have to answer very hard questions about why my daughter hasn't got a daddy like her friends, mopping up tears when someone teases her about not having a dad, having a guy who was chatting me up act like I've scalded him when I mention my child, having to do heavy duty lifting, carrying and assembling on my own, sitting in alone nearly every single evening with only the tv for company once my child is in bed, racing around town on my lunch trying to get all the jobs done (like bank, post office) because I have to use my entire annual leave over summer to cater for the holidays and then praying she doesn't get sick for the rest of the year because I can't take more time off. The prospect of never having a sibling for my daughter and the constant requests for one, the pitying looks and comments and the assumptions made about me because I'm a single mother......there's LOADS of reasons I hate being a single parent.
Some of these may be the same if I were in a relationship although from my own experiences, most weren't an issue until I became a single parent.

For me the pride of doing it on my own isn't worth the stress and loneliness and the impact it has on my child.

Fittle

I haven't experienced the tears nor the rejection from a man, when they found out I had a child - I know we have different situations ash.
For me, I hate the fact that there is no one to share his achievements with. There is no one else in this world who loves him the way I do - no one else is interested in the medal he won for soccer last week - no one else is interested in his great school report this year and so on. I would love to be able to share those tit-bits with someone and to come home from a good day at a match, and for him to tell his dad how great he is, and to get a a hug from his dad...(not the actual person 'his dad' is...I mean a dad who loves him the same as I do)...

I know I am enough for him...I know he doesn't want these things like I do, and for that, I'm grateful...but I still hate that bit of parenting alone...all of the practical, day to day stuff, I just get on with, but that bit about not being able to share him with anyone, really pi**es me off sometimes:mad:

Justask

Fittle wrote: »

I haven't experienced the tears nor the rejection from a man, when they found out I had a child - I know we have different situations ash.
For me, I hate the fact that there is no one to share his achievements with. There is no one else in this world who loves him the way I do - no one else is interested in the medal he won for soccer last week - no one else is interested in his great school report this year and so on. I would love to be able to share those tit-bits with someone and to come home from a good day at a match, and for him to tell his dad how great he is, and to get a a hug from his dad...(not the actual person 'his dad' is...I mean a dad who loves him the same as I do)...

I know I am enough for him...I know he doesn't want these things like I do, and for that, I'm grateful...but I still hate that bit of parenting alone...all of the practical, day to day stuff, I just get on with, but that bit about not being able to share him with anyone, really pi**es me off sometimes:mad:

But do you not feel proud that you got your little dude to where he is on your own?
Well done on the medal btw

Fittle

Justask wrote: »

But do you not feel proud that you got your little dude to where he is on your own?
Well done on the medal btw

Of course I feel proud...but not necessarily of me...of him!! I've been told I'm 'strong..and great to be doing all this on your own..and he's a credit to you'...and so on. But all of those things are only true because of the situation we found ourselves in when I was pregnant.

In the maternity hospital all those years ago :eek: there was a girl called Marie in the bed next to me. We were the same age and technically, had similar circumstances. We were both going solo.

However, the one difference was that she had come out of a 10yr relationship and her ex never wanted kids. She went up north and had artificial insemination and had made a decision to become a parent alone. I often wonder about her, and wonder how her child is 9yrs later...
Perhaps if I had also made a conscious decision to get pregnant, knowing I would be doing it alone, my outlook would be different. Perhaps if I felt more in control in those early years, these thoughts wouldn't even enter my head.

I would really like to add that I am (generally) happy with our lot - I don't spend my days thinking 'Oh, I'm alone' or that I have a crap life!! My little fella is also a very happy kid and makes me smile every day... This thread seems to be bringing out the moan in me though...I must stop;)

Justask

Ok well if anyone want to set up some kinda maybe monthly coffee afternoon to talk about everything ....shoes, movies, books, and how hot the waiter is that just served us our coffee :pac: Not just single mums all mums...we all have one thing in common which is our kids but we also have brains and can talk about a wide range of things and can get together for a chat and a giggle

bulmersgal

What ages are everybody kids? Elisha is at the age where its hard to keep her sitting in buggy so if we could go to activity place or playground it would be great get rid of some of her energy before a cuppa.

Are we all in and around dublin? I would be interested in a meet up, weekends not great as her dad has her few hours on sat and usually do family outings on sundays.

ash23

Fittle wrote: »

I haven't experienced the tears nor the rejection from a man, when they found out I had a child - I know we have different situations ash.
For me, I hate the fact that there is no one to share his achievements with. There is no one else in this world who loves him the way I do - no one else is interested in the medal he won for soccer last week - no one else is interested in his great school report this year and so on. I would love to be able to share those tit-bits with someone and to come home from a good day at a match, and for him to tell his dad how great he is, and to get a a hug from his dad...(not the actual person 'his dad' is...I mean a dad who loves him the same as I do)...

I know I am enough for him...I know he doesn't want these things like I do, and for that, I'm grateful...but I still hate that bit of parenting alone...all of the practical, day to day stuff, I just get on with, but that bit about not being able to share him with anyone, really pi**es me off sometimes:mad:

My parents adore my daughter so I suppose I do have someone to share all that with. Whenever something good like that happens the evening is spent on the phone or laptop with her telling everyone about her achievements so that side of it doesn't bother me.

I find the practical day to day stuff fine most of the time but it can get wearing after a while. Also the being with her 24/7 with no reprieve other than work can wear thin after a few months so I try to get rid of her the odd weekend to get some time away from each other because it's not good for us. We're like an old married couple if we spend too much time together