The dreaded question.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Basically im looking for advice here from anybody who has experienced this. I had one brother and one sister, my brother died about a year and a half ago.

Basically my problem is that i always dread people asking me ''how many brothers or sisters do you have?'' i have been asked a few times since and normally i just freeze! I just feel incapable of answering this. I'm just wondering if anybody else has had this issue and how do you overcome it?

Thanks in advance

Midnight_EG

Tell them you've got a brother and a sister, they both live on inside you

Doogieboogie

I'd just be honest and say you have a brother and sister - if asked about them further, you can explain that your brother has passed on. I get this all the time when meeting new people - ''are you married?'' I just say, widowed actually. A few people get flustered and don't know what to say, most just say, I'm sorry to hear that. I decided a long time ago that I'm not going to censor myself to spare other people slight discomfort - my need is greater than theirs.

I'm sorry you lost your brother x

Dimitri

I worked with a man when asked how many kids he had would reply that he had 4 but they lost one along the way.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, my main concern about telling people was making them feel awkward. I think doogieboogie sums it up nicely.

I am a friend

I was wondering the same thing as I recently lost my only sibling... I am just worried that if I say 'yes I have a brother', they will ask where he lives, works etc and that I will get upset....

fataltragedy

I find now, almost a year later, that I'm experiencing the same - I've made a number of new friends (through older friends) and never know if they know about my sister passing away last summer, or how I should bring it up, or what I should say.

And for the number of siblings - I used have three sisters. Now, I sometimes say two, other times it's three - on occasions I've said three, people have looked at me strangely, and I know by that that they know about her and are wondering what I'm up to. But .. she's still my sister. nothing could take that away.

But, if you think that questions will upset you on the topic, I would advise to say you have a sister. It sounds cold, and like you're cutting someone out of your life, but sometimes it's better to protect yourself rather than be 100% open with people that don't know you that well, and risk upsetting yourself too

The Dagda

Them: how many brothers and sisters have you?
Me: I have one sister but she died 4 years ago.
Them: oh i'm sorry to hear that
Me: that's ok you didn't know and I like to talk about her :-)

IvyTheTerrible

I never know how to answer that question, it's happened several times but it still throws me.

I end up saying I have 2 brothers and 1 sister but my brother died.

MissFlitworth

I used to just say I had a brother & a sister but people ended up asking (completely well meaning & polite & conversation make-y) questions that I couldn't answer. What does your brother do & where does he live stuff so now I just say I've a sister & a brother but my brother has passed away. Can be a little awkward for a minute but not as awkward as people I don't know trying to talk to me about him while I blink back tears

Chocchipcookie

I still say i have 4 brothers, even though one has passed. He is and always will be my brother. If people are interested enough to ask about your family, they shouldnt get embarrassed or flustered if they find out what happened.
so sorry for your loss x

leinster_fan

Hi,
I would def let people know that you had x brothers / sisters and that one passed away if they ask about your family.

I had a bad experience years ago when someone (lets call her Wench!) asked me. I said that I was a twin but my brother had died about a year before...what followed was like an inquisition with loads of really insensitive questions (even me getting upset didn't stop the questions)

Because of that, when I started my current job, if anyone asked about families, I didn't tell them about my bro. I always felt absolutely sick afterwards like I was trying to forget him.

After a couple of months I decided to tell them, and I have to say, it was such a relief. I didn't have to feel guilty about not telling them or watch what I said about my family anymore and they were all really lovely about it.

Now if I meet someone new and they ask about brothers / sisters, I always say I'm a twin. It makes it easier for me to be able to talk about him, and 99.99% of people are lovely and won't give you the third degree!

nesbitt

I understand how this question throws you. It is a simple question that reminds you of the loss of your loved one. When asked this I simply say, 3 brothers, 1 sister but my older brother has sadly passed away. Sometimes I feel more upset than others as it is 3 years now but as his death was suicide it will always wrench my heart.

LegacyUser

Reading your post just made me think of something.

I worked with a guy for a few years before he told me he had a sister who had died as a teenager (all boys left in the family now so it was even more significant to hear about her). Once he had made it open, I found he started to talk about her alot and we all loved hearing his stories about her. I think it is a great thing to talk about your close ones who have passed on. Its all part of the healing/grieving.

If you are ready to talk about your brother, I would include him when talking about your siblings. I think it is respectful to their memory and you'll feel better for it.

killeoinisback

Hi Everybody,
Can I just start by saying that I found some of the posts here heartrenching. I am so sorry for everybody who has suffered loss and my thoughts are with you all.

To offer my bit of advise I really believe that as long as you are comfortable with your response then it doesn't really matter. To give a little insight into my situation I lost my sister (11 months younger than me) five years ago. This particular question is one
that really caused me problems in the past. People not knowing me would question do I have brothers or Sisters. Not knowing what to say I always blurted out (this is the best way I can describe it) that I didn't. What would follow then is a barrage of talk about how spoilt I must be, being an only child and how lucky I am in that I come from a farm and have no one that I have to share it with.

Naturally, these people meant no harm but none the less I would feel very upset after it. Now If anyone asks I just tell them that my Sister has died. Normally people are taken aback and seem somewhat disstressed, however my view is that its a part of my life and its something that I shouldn't hide from or need to protect other people from.

Can I again emphasise how brave everyone on this thread is and thank them for sharing their experiences.