Post Natally Depressed

LegacyUser

Hi - sorry for the really long message. I'm at my wits end here. I don't what to do (i've gone unreged for this)

We had a baby girl 5 weeks ago. She has been getting on great, gaining loads weight. Public Health Nurse says she is thriving. Mother is breastfeeding and caring for her all the time, as I work 50-60 hours per week (The type of job I have means I can't get time off unless I request it quite far in advance and I have huge responsibilities that I can't just leave behind, my job is very important to us, and it affords us the lifestyle we have, and have grown used to - therefore cutting back hours or days or taking paternity leave or time off can't happen). My girlfriend has a son from a previous relationship. She is a great mother and is very patient with both kids.

Recently (the last 3 or 4 days) I noticed she started getting more impatient. Having more of a tough time and just getting agitated more easily.

Due to work, there wasn't (isn't) a whole load I can do to relieve the pressure. I try to take the baby for a while when I get in, in the evening time, but being absolutely shattered from a full days work myself and because of the fact that baby is being breastfed, its not long before mammy has her again.

Yesterday was my weekly day off. Mid-morning my girlfriend sent me a text (she can't discuss things in person, has to be by text!) explaining how she has been feeling, that she has been feeling depressed, feels that I can do simple things like go to the toilet or shower without having to ask someone to mind baby whereas she can't. She said she thought she would have more time to herself especially on a Sunday but she doesn't.

She says she loves baby and its mostly a pleasure minding her but she is beginning to have feelings of resentment towards her. She feels she isn't giving her son enough time anymore even though she promised him and herself that she would. (i think he was getting way too much attention beforehand, but that's a different matter)

She says she wants to give up breastfeeding to allow herself some more time and opportunity to get away for an hour or two, but if she does, she will hate herself for not sticking with it for longer. She doesn't want to ask either granny to mind the baby either as she'd feel like she was dumping her on them (they are both dying to mind her)

This morning she sent me a message saying baby is being a whinger all morning and she cant cope. She wanted to go and meet one of her friends but it has taken her more than an hour to try and get ready. She asked me to take a week off work to help out. (It really doesn't suit for me to do this, but I can if absolutely needs be)

I asked her to contact public health nurse, she said she can't because she doesn't want to talk to a stranger about her problems and that if she called the public health nurse to tell her something is wrong then she would be "a failure". (her words)

She says she doesn't want to go to doctor for same reason (doctor is useless anyway). She says she thinks she will feel better if she leaves the house (now says she hates the house because she is unhappy there - the house we are paying a fortune for, because we love it)

metrovelvet

If you are with a baby all day and night, why wouldnt you be depressed?

Sleep deprivation. No head space. Constant attending to demands. No time to care of yourself.

Morag

My advice would be take the week of work.
Right now she is snowed under and needs help asap.

Her body is struggling right now to reset after the birth and hormonally she will be all over the place and the sooner she has her first period post the birth then things should settled down some more.

Would you consider ringing family members yourself and asking them to give a hand on the QT? to just call around and spend some time?

cynder

Phone the PHN yourself and ask for advice. The PHN if aware can call round a little more often and speak to your girlfriend (she doesn't have to mention that you called her) your girlfriend might voluntarily say that she is finding it hard.


I would also suggest you take the week off, but who is to say the week after things will improve, they might get worse. If she doesn't want to continue breast feeding dont push it, you can help out with the bottle feeding then.

LegacyUser

Sharrow wrote: »

My advice would be take the week of work.
Right now she is snowed under and needs help asap.

Her body is struggling right now to reset after the birth and hormonally she will be all over the place and the sooner she has her first period post the birth then things should settled down some more.

Would you consider ringing family members yourself and asking them to give a hand on the QT? to just call around and spend some time?

Yeah, I have requested it, but it'll take at least 2 or 3 weeks for me to actually get the time off. Even with that, i'll still have to work from home for an hour or so per day.

My plan is to just be as supportive as possible. Not be judgemental or opinionated at all. I'll ask her to express some milk tonight and ask 0her to sleep in spare room to get a good nights rest.

Maybe ask her to express more tommorow and head to the cinema with the boy.

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

Phone the PHN yourself and ask for advice. The PHN if aware can call round a little more often and speak to your girlfriend (she doesn't have to mention that you called her) your girlfriend might voluntarily say that she is finding it hard.


I would also suggest you take the week off, but who is to say the week after things will improve, they might get worse. If she doesn't want to continue breast feeding dont push it, you can help out with the bottle feeding then.

She won't give me the PHN numbers because she knows I want to call them. (can I get them somewhere)

I can't call her mother either, as she will without a doubt tell her that I told her. I called my mother and asked for advice. My mother works a lot also as she is an ID nurse, she plans to call down and suggest taking the baby for a walk for an hour or two later in the week.

I have told her from the very beginning that the decision to breast feed is hers and hers alone. I never pushed it and I encouraged her to stop breastfeeding as soon as she wants. She knows I would never be judgemental over something like that.

Morag

There is a big difference when you have a second child.

After the birth of the first you can stay in bed in the morning and sleep when the baby sleeps and not have to do anything other then tend to the newborn and eat and rest,
which is what is needed when you are breast feeding.

Second time around that is just not possible, you have to try and heal, tend to the new born, breast feed and still keep up the routine that the other child has. No naps, no staying in bed when you have had sod all sleep the night before. It can be rough esp when the eldest is an active kid or one used to play with Mammy all the time and can't play by themselves for 15 mins.

New parent need help, family should be calling around if they can and giving a hand even if it's to hold the baby so she can have a shower or to hang out washing or to take the other child to the park so she can have a nap.

I've always laughed at people who said sure two is as easy as one, it's not, esp for the first year. esp when you can't get out of the house for a walk or to by a pint of milk due to the time it takes to get everyone ready, use to be I be ready to head out the door after changing the baby for the 3rd time and after delays from the eldest and realise that the baby would be due to be fed in 40 mins time.

Sound like she is struggling with feeling trapped, it's not a nice place to be in and sure people the world over have kids and if you admit your not coping then your a failure.
Which is a pack of lies and very damaging to parents.

I suggest you pick a forumula and send her off for a few hours on her own, to a movies, to get her hair done a break, even 4 hours with out having to deal with the kids and one feed from a bottle won't do any harm and see how she is after that.

How Strange

OP, you pretty much described me at 5 weeks after giving birth. I thank my blessings every day that I didn't get post natal depression because it seems to be a terrible thing. I was however at my wits end on many occasions. Your partner is under a huge amount of pressure and if, as you say, you can't take time off to support her then she probably feels completely overwhelmed.

Breastfeeding is natural but its by no means easy or instinctive. It takes so much effort at the beginning and remember she is still at the beginning. 5 weeks may seem like a long time to you but in the bigger picture its only a very short space of time. I remember feelinging totally trapped in the early stages. I couldn't get out by myself for more than two hours and while I love my son to his bones I did resent him at times.

I also resented my husband who was/is fantastic because he could go anywhere, do anything, have a nights sleep etc etc. I was exhausted physically and psychologically, pretending I felt fantastic because really no-one wants to hear you moan about your lot when you've in fact got a healthy baby.

Definitely ask her to express milk so she can get a few extra hours sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you really can't even think straight when you haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. I'd suggest that you agree to do some of the night feeds at least twice a week during the week and at weekends let her lie on in bed and you take the baby to the living room.

Sharrow wrote: »

I suggest you pick a forumula and send her off for a few hours on her own, to a movies, to get her hair done a break, even 4 hours with out having to deal with the kids and one feed from a bottle won't do any harm and see how she is after that.

As a breastfeeding mother, I'd say definitely don't do this as all you're doing is undermining her choice to breastfeed. The decision to stop breastfeeding and move to formula has to be hers alone. If my husband had brought home a tub of formula I'd have been devastated as it would've shown that he thought I'd failed as a mother to feed my baby. Bottom line, its an emotive subject and one where you as the partner have to be 100% supportive but let her lead the way in any changes.

There have been many days and nights where I've cried and declared that breastfeeding is finished and we were moving onto to formula the next day, as soon as the supermarket opened. My husband wisely empatised and did nothing else.

Its hard to see it now but you will all turn a corner. Once the baby goes past 6 weeks she will probably start sleeping longer and as soon as that happens everything seems a little better and brighter.

caprilicious

I had PND though at 4/5 months & I can understand her not wanting you to contact the PHN. I found it so hard to accept help at the time, because I felt in doing so was proving that I couldn't cope.

I think when your/her mum come to visit; get them to ask your partner if they can take baby off for a walk in such a way that it is because they want to spend time with baby;not because they think she's not coping.

I think even the fact you've booked the week off should make a big difference & your suggestion to get her to sleep in the spare room so you can look after baby at night is brilliant.

My mum did this one night for me not long after my daughter was born & it was amazing the difference it made having one full nights sleep after so many weeks of broken sleep.
My coping abilities were much better.

Those first few weeks are a major rollercoaster of sleepless nights. Hopefully as baby starts to sleep more things will get easier for your partner.

Fittle

Firstly, I am amazed that no one has commented on the OP's diagnosis of his wife of PND, with no medical input.

PND is a form of clinical depression and can only be diagnosed by a doctor - what you are describing OP could possibly be that, but you can't say that it is definitely PND!!

Your wife is basically parenting alone for most of the week - with the best will in the world, you can only do so much, but what she needs is a second pair of hands to hold the baby while she has a bath/shower, to feed the baby while she uses the toilet and so on! There are very practical everyday things that still need to be done and it's very difficult to keep it all going, when you have a newborn to consider.

Have you thought of hiring a nanny OP? Before going down the road of diagnosing your wife, I'd consider the option of hiring some day-time help, so that she can get to the shops without it being an 'event'...

And other posters are correct - sleep deprivation is a huge factor in how she's feeling - when baby starts to sleep, things should improve.

Morag

Baby Blues is 4 weeks to 8 weeks, the normal cycle that women go through as the hormoanes are in flux before the first post-partum period most women go through it, it's not Post Natal Depression but if it goes on for more then a handful of weeks then it's time to see the dr about it.

Morag

How Strange wrote: »

As a breastfeeding mother, I'd say definitely don't do this as all you're doing is undermining her choice to breastfeed. The decision to stop breastfeeding and move to formula has to be hers alone. If my husband had brought home a tub of formula I'd have been devastated as it would've shown that he thought I'd failed as a mother to feed my baby. Bottom line, its an emotive subject and one where you as the partner have to be 100% supportive but let her lead the way in any changes.

I breast fed both mine and taking a break and giving a feed from a bottle is not the heresy that some lactivists would try and make out.


His partner has already said she is going to stop breast feeding all togehter,
a break may be all she needs, even for just one or two feeds. I know I did when I was worn out and had two cracked nipples.

Having two small bottles and 2/3 cartons of new born feed in the house can take of a mountain of pressure, which can be all is needed to lower the stress level and increase milk flow.


Where a new mother is worn out can't cope and if breastfeeding is just not working it is so the right of the new Dad to talk about options and what is best for his partner and the baby.

How Strange wrote: »

Its hard to see it now but you will all turn a corner. Once the baby goes past 6 weeks she will probably start sleeping longer and as soon as that happens everything seems a little better and brighter.

The first 9 weeks are rough, I'd not do it again, but hopefully ye will get through it safe and sound.

cynder

You can contact your local health board and they will tell you which public health nurse your wife and child are under, or the number can be found in your child's orange book. it would be worthwhile to talk to someone who deals with this on a day to day basis than with a bunch of do gooders on the the Internet. PND has not diagnosed, but it could head in that direction, your first port of call would be to the Public Health Nurse. if all came to all and you cant get the phone number dial directory inquires.

I my-self had 3 kids.

Skadi

When my husband comes home in the evening he sits down on the couch with baby and either just talks to her or lets her sleep on him. That way I can go do things and know that I don't have to keep an ear out for baby. Maybe if you did this your girlfriend would feel like she had a little time to herself.

Moonbeam

When I had 1 baby,she came to the bathroom with me,I bought her bouncer in and had showers.I didn't let her out of my sight or leave her for the 1st 8 months,then it was time to go back to work so had no choice.
Roll on 2 years now I have 2 and although they are not easy to leave it is a lot easier.
I can understand that it can be hard especially on maternity leave when you are used to going to work and having your lunch hour.Daddy is out all day,has lunch time and commuting time all to himself,can have a shower in peace,can use the loo with out a child crying.

Are there local mother and baby groups?does she have many friends around?
How does her son feel about baby?

or if she really misses her freedom maybe an au pair?

How Strange

Op, just read your post again and you said you try to take the baby for a while when you get in from work but you're also shattered. You HAVE to take the baby in the evening so your partner can have that hour or whatever to herself everyday. You can do the bed time routine or something like that.

I described the feeling of minding a baby full time to my husband as being like a very very stressful day in work where you're running around all day, you don't get a chance to eat your lunch or have a cup of tea but the stressful day never ends. There's no clocking out at 5.30.

You may be very busy in your job but a new baby is a hugely stressful change for a couple so it's really important that the partner who goes off to work (outside the home!) takes over in the evening and gives the other a break.

I've found for my own sanity we have to get out every day and go for a walk or do something. I started doing it at about 5 weeks and at 5 months if we have a day where we stay at home I'm crawling the walls by 6pm.

Ayla

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly, I am amazed that no one has commented on the OP's diagnosis of his wife of PND, with no medical input.

PND is a form of clinical depression and can only be diagnosed by a doctor - what you are describing OP could possibly be that, but you can't say that it is definitely PND!!

Out of fairness to the OP, he said his girlfriend's post natally depressed, not that she had post natal depression. In my opinion (and it might be splitting hairs here) but those two "labels" are not the same.

After having a baby many many many women go through a period of being depressed. Whether it be hormonally driven, or simply because of the massive transition in their lives, being depressed & feeling anxious, unhappy & resentful can be a natural reaction. That does not necessarily mean they have PND, but simply that they are currently depressed. PND needs medical evaluation, diagnosis & intervention; being depressed needs loving support & time.

OP - you be supportive to your girlfriend & your new family however you physically and emotionally can be. It is hard, on everyone, but together you can all work through anything. I can understand her fears of looking inadequate & not wanting to "share the load" with family members, but whatever you can decide - together - will be for the best. Don't undermine her, thus feeding fuel to her fire, by working behind the scenes - talk openly & honestly (and not by text for cripes sake!)

ppink

Can you not get (pay) a student to help her out for a few hours every day?
They could mind the baby while she at least gets her shower and everything together and help her with other household things.

Minxie123

Hi OP

I can totally empathise with you your partner and I'd say my husband could deffo empathise with you! I think it was around the 5 week mark that I rang him and ate the head off him when he said he was going to be home from work a half an hour later than originally planned. The poor fecker, you'd swear he was off drinking cocktails and not working his arse off for me and the little one. It's such a tough time and I honestly thought I was going to crack up. I remember thinking all the time "this isn't how I thought it was going to be" and just feeling so upset. Pure sleep deprevation. I genuinely couldn't understand how people have 2 children but now 6 months on things are soooooo much easier and I could deffo see myself having one or dare I say it 2 more.

I know you're knackered as well but what really helped me was the following:

Husband would come home from work and weather permitting take the baby out for a walk or chill out with her on the couch. This gave me time to have a long shower and just freshen myself up and come back re-charged. Sometimes I wouldn't bother with the shower and just lie down for a while. Either way I got some "me" time.

I also breastfeed so I used to pump off a few ounces every day and store them up for the weekend. On the Friday night I'd head off to the spare room and get a full nights sleep while my husband did the night feeds and the first feed in the morning. I'd feel like a new woman after that.

The biggest help he was to me was being a great listener and walking on eggshells around me when I was clearly being an irrational lunatic. I kept him awake one night giving out about how unfair my life was and how I wanted to move house so that I could be nearer my mother etc. Patience of a saint I tells ya.

Just remember, OP, it won't be like this forever. Just give her as much support as you can and it WILL get better. Best of luck

Cottontail

this brings back memories. My son is 1.5 years old now but when he was born, it was so tough. People laugh about sleepless nights, but they are no joke. Just like the OP's wife, I breastfed too, a decision I will never regret and intend to do it again for my second. However, it was HARD. Especially as it was only me that could do it, my husband couldn't help out. Yet, if he ever suggested giving a bottle, I'd actually break down crying... sounds mad I know but it made me feel like I was failing. I became completely worn out and was just exhausted all the time, I felt like I'd never leave the house again or have time to do anything at all that didn't involve the baby. I felt incredibly jealous of my husband getting to go off to work for the day - in a way I felt like he was able to escape for a few hours but that I was 'trapped'. He was also able to sleep at night, whereas I was awake feeding the baby - he was quite colicky for the first 4.5 months and literally slept for about 20 mins at a time. Some days I felt like I was losing my mind.

What helped was the support of my family. Luckily my Mum and Dad live locally and would call over every day and bring me over some lunch. Sometimes I would ring my husband during the day and more than once he just unexpectedly arrived home, much to my relief!

OP - keep a close eye on this. Your wife may not have PND yet, but it could easily develop. Give her as much support as you can and have family members just 'drop by' if this is possible - sometimes just having adult company helps so much. Also, someone mentioned that the baby will settle down more after about 6 weeks, this isn't necessarily the case (in our case it was 4.5 months) and sometimes it can make you feel like you are doing something wrong when the baby is crying as much at 10 weeks as he is at 5! just bear with it and you will get there, but just keep an eye on the situation.

moley

Firstly - this is common and she needs to fully understand that how she feels is okay and that you understand/support her. Having gone through PND myself I know that you can feel almost ashamed that you aren't coping as it feels like you should be which makes you feel even worse.

Those first few months really are the hardest, it does get better. Co-sleep, if she isn't comfortable with baby in the bed get a bassinet bedside so she can very easily do nighttime feeds without a big fuss. Keep breastfeeding, it does help regulate the hormones postpartum AND it ensures that she gets into deep, restful sleep faster. Let her know she's doing a wonderful job, offer to help with everything other than feedings (I know that even the gentle insistence that the baby should have bottles really upset me and made me feel like I wasn't doing enough) like laundry, meals (make or buy plenty of ready-made so she doesnt need to fuss), keeping the other child entertained, paying attention to mom while she's nursing is a wonderfully supportive thing to do too. Expressed milk is a wonderful idea occasionally, formula feeds can impact her supply and make her physically uncomfortable as well since formula takes 1-2 hours longer to digest it really can disrupt breastfeeding. Having done it both ways, breastfeeding is a lot easier, having to bring formula, water, bottles everywhere we went, then having to wash and sanitize bottles, having to get up and make bottles at night ... I wont ever do formula again if I can help it. Especially at night, nursing is so much easier than fussing with formula.

See if she is interested in babywearing, I know having a sling for the baby and my hands free made me feel a hundred times better - I know exactly what she means about not being able to go to the toilet, it's all the littlest things that are the most frustrating.

Be supportive, understanding and keep affirming it will get better very soon. Encourage her to get out of the house with the baby, being in the house makes you feel more trapped. With my second baby I had a sling, nursing cover and was out and about in 2 weeks, I swear it made all the difference.

LaLucy

Wow I remember breastfeeding in the early days and found it to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Just the pure exhaustion, feeling trapped, feeding on demand and when the baby would feed for literally hours non stop some evenings or when going through growth spurts. It's so so hard. There were many times I wanted to give up but just wouldn't. I also found expressing milk utterly. I reckon your wife just needs a little tlc. Could you possibly get a mobile hairdresser to call in?
Maybe get a cleaner in so she can concentrate on the baby. Would it be possible for you to mind the baba every morning while she gets a quick shower? Encourage her to put on make up and get dressed every day. She Will feel million times better for it.

She is still recovering after pregnancy so i wouldn't be so quick to label her postnatally depressed.

You should definitely take time off work. Just do iturage her to put on make up and get dressed every day. She Will feel million times better for it.

She is still recovering after pregnancy so i wouldn't be so quick to label her postnatally depressed.

You should definitely take time off work. Just do it

LaLucy

LaLucy wrote: »

Wow I remember breastfeeding in the early days and found it to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Just the pure exhaustion, feeling trapped, feeding on demand and when the baby would feed for literally hours non stop some evenings or when going through growth spurts. It's so so hard. There were many times I wanted to give up but just wouldn't. I also found expressing milk utterly. I reckon your wife just needs a little tlc. Could you possibly get a mobile hairdresser to call in?
Maybe get a cleaner in so she can concentrate on the baby. Would it be possible for you to mind the baba every morning while she gets a quick shower? Encourage her to put on make up and get dressed every day. She Will feel million times better for it.

She is still recovering after pregnancy so i wouldn't be so quick to label her postnatally depressed.

You should definitely take time off work. Just do iturage her to put on make up and get dressed every day. She Will feel million times better for it.

She is still recovering after pregnancy so i wouldn't be so quick to label her postnatally depressed.

You should definitely take time off work. Just do it

Have tried to edit my post, sorry it won't work. have a new phone touchscreen one and its hard to use!

Wantobe

Sounds like she needs help, has asked you for it. Up to you now to step up to the plate.

If you can't take time off, get someone to come in for a couple of hours a day for a few weeks or maybe two/three mornings a week.

Encourage her to express milk- rent a medical grade breast pump- that makes it much easier. Or if breast feeding is just too much she should give it up- look I breast fed my two children but there's no medals for it- in my opinion a happy mother makes a happy baby, breast feeding is an optional extra!

This is a tough period but it gets easier relatively quickly- however it is now she needs the help, not in a few weeks.