Not sure how to cope

LegacyUser

Maybe this isn't the place for this and if so then Mods delete this.

My mother was diagnosed with Cancer in the lung a while back which is terminal and I am an emotional mess at the moment. I am trying to keep a brave face to those closest to me but really Inside I am finding it very hard that she will be gone soon. I am finding myself very snappy at people sometimes over silly and trivial things but also over issues that are serious in their lives. At the moment nothing seems serious to me unless you are faced with the fact that you are about to lose your mother (I am not a total selfish man and I do understand that people still have life problems and are faced with challenges every day but I just feel like I snap at anything and I hate myself for it).

My father has been crushed and I hate seeing them both so vulnerable and afraid. I guess why I am writing this is cause I am just looking for advice on ways of helping myself and those around me through this time as I know things are only going to get worse down the line.

Thanks.

Ickle Magoo

I think its the perfect place for your post.

I hope you get some valuable insight from those who have been through similar.

All the best.

cats.life

mymam wrote: »

Maybe this isn't the place for this and if so then Mods delete this.

My mother was diagnosed with Cancer in the lung a while back which is terminal and I am an emotional mess at the moment. I am trying to keep a brave face to those closest to me but really Inside I am finding it very hard that she will be gone soon. I am finding myself very snappy at people sometimes over silly and trivial things but also over issues that are serious in their lives. At the moment nothing seems serious to me unless you are faced with the fact that you are about to lose your mother (I am not a total selfish man and I do understand that people still have life problems and are faced with challenges every day but I just feel like I snap at anything and I hate myself for it).

My father has been crushed and I hate seeing them both so vulnerable and afraid. I guess why I am writing this is cause I am just looking for advice on ways of helping myself and those around me through this time as I know things are only going to get worse down the line.

Thanks.

hey op, to you this is not normal way of nature, you are not suposed to see your parent suffer like this, parents are suposed to look out for sons and daughters, my hands are shacking so much typing this is unreal..its not easey to no how to react, every one are different. are you able to chat to your mum? your dad might be feeling the same as you, look up cancer care in your area, they helped me when i got the word that i have breast cancer few weeks ago. they are brilliant. my center is cancer care west..op my heart is breaking for you. it might be easer to chat to a stranger other than family right now. they are all in shock still. of course you are afraid, every thing stops . life stoped for you all when bad news was told. as i said contact cancer care centre near you. thats what they are there for.

Doogieboogie

Hi OP,

I haven't lost my mam, but I have had loss in my life, and I think being snappy at people is perfectly normal, given what you're going through. I know I roll my eyes whenever I hear people moaning about trivial things these days - if only they knew what a real problem is, eh?

I agree with Cats life - contact Cancer Care, or the Irish Cancer society. My close friend lost her Dad to cancer three years ago. When he was sick, she found it very hard to cope, and more so when he took the decision to stop treatment. She saw a counsellor from the Irish Cancer society regularly over this time, and she was helped enormously by it. It didn't change the outcome, but it helped her cope with the very tough decisons that faced her and her family and gave her an outlet, so that she was able to deal with other stuff easier. Give them a call. I'm sorry you are losing your mum x

Irish Cancer Society Counselling

The Princess Bride

Hi OP.
There is no 'normal' way to feel when you're given news like this. As a family ,you are probably more vulnerable now than you've ever been before,and you need all the support that you can get.
Please please make contact with the Irish Cancer Society www.cancer.ie
helpline@irishcancer.ie ,1800 200 700 , info@irishcancer.ie they have some info booklets; "Lost for Words-how to talk to someone with cancer", & "A Time To Care", don't know where you live but some counties have Cancer support groups.All this info is at the back of above booklets.

Take care of yourself and PM me if I can be of any further help.

Optimus Caesar

Hi OP,

I lost my mum to lung cancer two years ago.
She had a tough two year battle with it and all through that, what kept me going was that no matter how tough I thought I had it, it was nothing compared to what she was going through and I did everything I could to help my parents at the time.
There's no right or wrong way to deal with it. Just do what feels right for you and your family.
I found the home care team to be excellent - not only for the care they gave my mother but for the job they did in advising and comforting my father (who I had never seen looking so vulnerable until my mam was diagnosed).

Take care and take all the help that is offered.

Chocchipcookie

so sorry about your mam. it is an awful think for you to go through. my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and has since passed. looking back now, it seems, and i dont mean to sound cruel or harsh, i am glad he is gone, in that he is no longer suffering. he would have wanted to die with dignity, which he did. it was an awful time for us all. it was the waiting. the knowing he was going to die and not being able to do anything about it. I dont know what stage your mam is at, but just make the most of your time with her. i'm sure the people around you understand what you are going through and dont mind you snapping. i was like that too. I'm sure people were p*ssed off, but they held their tongue and just gave me the space and support i needed. St Francis Hospice have a good councelling service, if you're near one of them.

LegacyUser

Hey guys OP here again. Thanks to all who replied to me when I created this thread. My mother passed on the 12th of september and It was a terrible time and everything that reminds us of her and knowing she wont be there for so many things is even worse than the actual death itself for me. I have dealt with the death as best as I can so far by supporting my dad and sisters as much as I can and keeping busy but I am also quiet and like my time to myself too. So thanks for the words of advice from people as I came back to read the thread during the week of the funeral.

I have a question that maybe someone can answer. The only picture in my head of my mam is when she was in the coffin before we closed the lid. She looked great but this is all I can see when I think of her and I don't want that for both her and myself. Is it stupid to think to myself and wish that I dream of her and see her in a better time? Do other people in the same situation dream about those they have lost much?

Taltos

OP it is still very recent so it will take some time. I cannot remember how long it took me but it does get easier.

In my case each time I caught myself thinking of the coffin I forced myself to think of some other memory. At the same time my OH got hold of a photo of my folks and put it up in pride of place in our home - it's still there.

Just give yourself sometime and what you are experiencing right now is perfectly normal. In terms of your dreams - no-one can say we are all different. In my case though it took years for my dreams of my dad to be happy - for the longest time I think my sadness followed me in (not good in my case as my dreams are like real life and it is not always easy for me to tell them apart).

Finally - don't bottle in these feelings - share with someone - and even better laugh at some of your good memories - that really does help believe it or not (once you learn to deal with the guilt/anger).

teachertrixibel

mymam wrote: »

Hey guys OP here again. Thanks to all who replied to me when I created this thread. My mother passed on the 12th of september and It was a terrible time and everything that reminds us of her and knowing she wont be there for so many things is even worse than the actual death itself for me. I have dealt with the death as best as I can so far by supporting my dad and sisters as much as I can and keeping busy but I am also quiet and like my time to myself too. So thanks for the words of advice from people as I came back to read the thread during the week of the funeral.

I have a question that maybe someone can answer. The only picture in my head of my mam is when she was in the coffin before we closed the lid. She looked great but this is all I can see when I think of her and I don't want that for both her and myself. Is it stupid to think to myself and wish that I dream of her and see her in a better time? Do other people in the same situation dream about those they have lost much?

I'm so sorry for your loss mymam. I lost my own mum 9 years ago and like that I couldn't get that picture of her in the hospice and then in the coffin out of my head. Dig out all the lovely pictures of your mum and keep some with you - in your wallet, in the car and everytime you think of her in the coffin, pull out a different photo and eventually the coffin picture will fade.... Talk about her/your memories with your Dad and your sisters. I found that we all shared so many stories about my mum over the years and it definitely helps. In fact I learned some things that I never knew about my mum. It's very therapeutic. It took me a year to grieve and when it really hit me I completely fell apart. Allow that to happen to you - you need to grieve - be it now or at a later date. Mind yourself xox

kelle

OP, I only came upon this thread for the first time today. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

In your opening post, you describe the exact same scenario I faced back in September 2004. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer on the 13th, followed by my mother on the 21st. The feelings you describe were exactly the same, it was horrible watching them both so frightened, but I spent my time trying to keep everything positive and letting them believe everything would be fine - while rearing 2 small children then crying myself to sleep every night.

With 5 months they were both dead - within 4 weeks of each other. We didn't really grieve for Dad as we had to help Mum fight her cancer (which she was determined to do!). She said she could see Dad the whole time - he kept encouraging her. We tried not to be creeped out by this, especially when she told me he was walking with me through a car park at a specific time and I really was in a car park at the time - Mum could not have known this as she was in hospital 40 miles away at the time! Sadly she died of a blood clot 4 weeks later - apparently she was anxious for an hour beforehand but told doctors and nurses she was fine. We reckon Dad was calling for her to join him, but she was reluctant to go - and the doctor looking after her agreed with us. Even he was so shocked, he said she was doing so well on her chemo - he had to agree with us that what happened was beyond medicine.

I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling on, but I wanted to say all of the above so I could answer the question in your more recent post. For 3 months I had no memory of her face, I couldn't visualise it. Then I started dreaming about her, and she looked drawn and miserable in my dreams. It took another while before I would have conversations with her, and she would tell me halfheartedly she was ok. I feel it was to do with my thoughts that she really wanted to stay on earth as she had so much to live for (she was only 58), but her love for Dad superseeded everything.

Next I started having more cheerful dreams about her and Dad. I would be saying in my dreams "Oh - I can't believe we went to the fuss of having a funeral for you both and now you're ok!" and they would laugh. Then I would wake up and realise it was all a dream, and sometimes I'd be upset for the day! Weird, I know!

Eventually the dreams stopped. I believe it's a sign that she is now at peace and that they are both happy together.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but a lovely lady who was diagnosed with cancer in very early stages a few months before Mum and Dad, was there to advise them what to do during chemo - was basically a rock for them. Sadly, after successful chemo and years of remission she lost her battle this morning - may this wonderful lady Rest In Peace.

Mental Mickey

kelle wrote: »

OP, I only came upon this thread for the first time today. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

In your opening post, you describe the exact same scenario I faced back in September 2004. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer on the 13th, followed by my mother on the 21st. The feelings you describe were exactly the same, it was horrible watching them both so frightened, but I spent my time trying to keep everything positive and letting them believe everything would be fine - while rearing 2 small children then crying myself to sleep every night.

With 5 months they were both dead - within 4 weeks of each other. We didn't really grieve for Dad as we had to help Mum fight her cancer (which she was determined to do!). She said she could see Dad the whole time - he kept encouraging her. We tried not to be creeped out by this, especially when she told me he was walking with me through a car park at a specific time and I really was in a car park at the time - Mum could not have known this as she was in hospital 40 miles away at the time! Sadly she died of a blood clot 4 weeks later - apparently she was anxious for an hour beforehand but told doctors and nurses she was fine. We reckon Dad was calling for her to join him, but she was reluctant to go - and the doctor looking after her agreed with us. Even he was so shocked, he said she was doing so well on her chemo - he had to agree with us that what happened was beyond medicine.

I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling on, but I wanted to say all of the above so I could answer the question in your more recent post. For 3 months I had no memory of her face, I couldn't visualise it. Then I started dreaming about her, and she looked drawn and miserable in my dreams. It took another while before I would have conversations with her, and she would tell me halfheartedly she was ok. I feel it was to do with my thoughts that she really wanted to stay on earth as she had so much to live for (she was only 58), but her love for Dad superseeded everything.

Next I started having more cheerful dreams about her and Dad. I would be saying in my dreams "Oh - I can't believe we went to the fuss of having a funeral for you both and now you're ok!" and they would laugh. Then I would wake up and realise it was all a dream, and sometimes I'd be upset for the day! Weird, I know!

Eventually the dreams stopped. I believe it's a sign that she is now at peace and that they are both happy together.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but a lovely lady who was diagnosed with cancer in very early stages a few months before Mum and Dad, was there to advise them what to do during chemo - was basically a rock for them. Sadly, after successful chemo and years of remission she lost her battle this morning - may this wonderful lady Rest In Peace.

Bloody hell - that must've been awful??


I lost Mam recently too. She died in June after an almost 7 year battle with cancer. Sometimes I find it tough, and sometimes I am ok. It's the different occassions that are tough(birthdays etc), when you suddenly realise that that person is not there, and is gone for ever.........

I was recently doing a simple task at home(drying the bloody delph!), and I suddenly thought that I heard her speaking to me. She said something like "Hi ****, are you okay?". I didn't know what to think??? IIRC, I was alone in the house at the time.

It's been just over 4 months since my Mam died. I haven't gone to counselling - I am confused about how it works out with my job etc.......

I also just returned to work after being out sick for a couple of weeks. I think it was down to stress - I found myself thinking of occassions that were coming up, and I must've been stressing myself out over it.....? Also, work is a bit up in the air atm too - that obviously isn't helping........

teachertrixibel

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Bloody hell - that must've been awful??


I lost Mam recently too. She died in June after an almost 7 year battle with cancer. Sometimes I find it tough, and sometimes I am ok. It's the different occassions that are tough(birthdays etc), when you suddenly realise that that person is not there, and is gone for ever.........

I was recently doing a simple task at home(drying the bloody delph!), and I suddenly thought that I heard her speaking to me. She said something like "Hi ****, are you okay?". I didn't know what to think??? IIRC, I was alone in the house at the time.

It's been just over 4 months since my Mam died. I haven't gone to counselling - I am confused about how it works out with my job etc.......

I also just returned to work after being out sick for a couple of weeks. I think it was down to stress - I found myself thinking of occassions that were coming up, and I must've been stressing myself out over it.....? Also, work is a bit up in the air atm too - that obviously isn't helping........

I think the thing about grief is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve and some things hit us at different times....

I remember one month after my mum died, I was in bed - it was a Sunday night/Monday morning and I had just had my work Xmas party on the Sunday night. At 7am in the morning there was a knock on my bedroom door. I opened it and it was my mum - standing in one of the nightdresses she used to wear. She looked exactly the same. the only difference was that her hair was completely white - she had died with mousy brown hair. She hugged me and I cried....and cried. When I eventually tried to speak to her, I woke up in my bed and she was gone. I had tears streaming down my face. It was so real, it was unreal! It's never happened since but I believe she came back to me one more time to say goodbye....

It's an experience i will always treasure...
Trix
x

Mental Mickey

teachertrixibel wrote: »

I think the thing about grief is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve and some things hit us at different times....

I remember one month after my mum died, I was in bed - it was a Sunday night/Monday morning and I had just had my work Xmas party on the Sunday night. At 7am in the morning there was a knock on my bedroom door. I opened it and it was my mum - standing in one of the nightdresses she used to wear. She looked exactly the same. the only difference was that her hair was completely white - she had died with mousy brown hair. She hugged me and I cried....and cried. When I eventually tried to speak to her, I woke up in my bed and she was gone. I had tears streaming down my face. It was so real, it was unreal! It's never happened since but I believe she came back to me one more time to say goodbye....

It's an experience i will always treasure...
Trix
x

I think I had an experience like that too!!!!!??? I can't remember how it happened exactly, but I remember waking up on a Saturday morning, and I almost immediately started sobbing - not crying loudly, and had tears streaming down my face for at least half an hour. Must've had a dream about her that time........?

horsemeat

RIP to your mom op.
I hope you find the peace and comfort you need.
xxx

I am a friend

mymam wrote: »

The only picture in my head of my mam is when she was in the coffin before we closed the lid. She looked great but this is all I can see when I think of her and I don't want that for both her and myself. Is it stupid to think to myself and wish that I dream of her and see her in a better time? Do other people in the same situation dream about those they have lost much?

OP, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are getting by...

My only sibling died suddenly this year and for some reason and I dont know why, it doesnt freak me out at all to think of them in the coffin. I dont think there is anything wrong with having that picture in your head as its a reminder that they are at peace. Maybe if you put up some new pictures of her around the place, it will jog other memories.

A friend of mine is Buddist and she said a lovely thing to us at the time. She said that to mourn and wish it didnt happen stopped the 'soul' or person moving on to the next plane.. That when we wish they were still here, they stay around to mind us rather than moving on to perfect peace...

I am not religious but I found it comforting and my parents who are very religious funnily also took great comfort from it. Its so much easier to wish the person was here with you but sadly they are not and they never will be so maybe our jobs to help them on their way is to free them to move on... Just a small piece of guidance which helped us a lot.

Mind yourself.