Still Waters No Longer Running, Derp.

lazygal

Galvasean wrote: »

I'd say he was awesome in school. "Write a 2,000 word essay on what you did on your summer holidays", ordered the teacher.
Of course, as anyone with a modicum of forsight could have already told you, the little aspiring writer come journalist that was John Waters had already, and with a degree of relative ease which borderlined on nonchalance, accumulated almost as many words merely describing, with an intricate detail not usually associated with children of his particular age bracket, the brushing of his own pearly white and calcium rich dentition which he had only recentky recieved a professional and cost effective whitening from the local and well respected orthodontic surgeon whom John's litany of interesting and opinionated neighbours referred to, both casually and in the strictest of business sense, as the best darn tootin' dentist the quaint little town of Hobbiten had seen this side of the much overbloated, but great fun nonetheless twentieth anniversary of the Proclamation of Emancipation, which the tearaway Waters had duly and respectfully attended several long and happy years ago.

....you forgot the part where it was all the fault of feminism/rise of atheism/anyone who didn't agree with his superlative and substantial point of view.

Bannasidhe

lazygal wrote: »

....you forgot the part where it was all the fault of feminism/rise of atheism/anyone who didn't agree with his superlative and substantial point of view.

by which lazygal, possibly as she is indeed aptly named being both slothful and female is making reference to is the undisputed fact as evidenced by even a casual perusal of your pathetic attempt to capture the essence of John's genius and superlative syntax is that you failed utterly due to your you neglect to include, allude to, or even touch upon how the insidious, gradual and cumulative rise of feminism and it's immoral comrade atheism has led to an inexorable decline in and the decay of the mental facilities of an impressionable generation resulting....

I can't do this - it hurts too much...

The Black Oil

I think neither Jessica Fletcher, Columbo, nor Hercule Poirot (non, non, non, mon ami) can solve the mystery of John Waters.

Turtwig

It occurred to me that John Waters would ace through Nanowrimo in no time. In fact, I'm going to take a leaf from this prose for the next few days. (Don't worry it'll be the dialogue of a despicable character.)

robindch

Bannasidhe wrote: »

I can't do this - it hurts too much...

I'm with you -- I've no idea whether listening for many years to Alistair Cooke's polished, careful and urbane poisoned my ability to bear the turgid and the inept, but for me, trying to make my way through Waters constantly-jarring missteps of reason, language and tone produces a pain which is little short of physical.

fisgon

As to the substance of what JW is saying, he seems to have a complete irony bypass. His point is that there is a conspiracy among the media to exclude points of view like his. We have heard the same in various guises from David Quinn and Breda O´Brien.

The irony is that Waters hasn´t been off the airwaves for the last two weeks. It's been wall to wall Waters on RTE radio. And where was he writing his particular diatribe? Was it in Alive, or the Irish Catholic? No, it was in the f**king IRISH TIMES! In his weekly column there! Oh yeah, John, you're so marginalised, so ignored, the liberal conspiracy has really done a number on you. You've only got a weekly platform in the national paper of record to peddle your nonsense.

Of course when we read the same stuff from Breda or Quinn, it's in one of our national newspapers, or we hear it on our national broadcaster. Whinging about media bias while on the very platform you claim is so exclusionary.

goose2005

an unelected, shifting group of ideologically motivated commentators that drives the public agenda in the guise of commenting upon it.

Did John just refer to agenda as "it"? But John, it's the plural of "agendum"!! I hope you don't fall into the trap of using "foetuses" next week - in Latin the plural is invariant.

This referendum was distinguished in particular by the manner in which the very statement of the exercise became a form of advocacy, the amendment’s content being semantically all but inextricable from the grip of its description. This enabled both political establishment and media to imply that any contrary voice was ipso facto anti-children.

Which is entirely different from the use of the phrase "pro-life"
Also ipso facto means "from the fact" and should not be applied to a person, but to a piece of information. "Necessarily" would have done.

Although things improved somewhat as polling approached, the tone of the media coverage in the early stages of the campaign implied that this was something to which only lunatics and extremists could object.

Unsurprisingly, politicians and media actors have been working overtime since the referendum to explain away the No vote as relating to, variously, household charge refusnikism

Refuseniks were Russian Jews and others who weren't allowed to leave the USSR; the word makes no sense in this context and is just there to inter alia per post quem sub judice make the writer appear clever.

Ellis Dee

I saw a sign outside a bookstore in Helsinki a few weeks ago. It said that John Waters was there signing copies of his book "Shokkiarvo" (which means "Shock Value").

I must say I felt tempted to go up to him and stick the head in him, but when I got closer I saw that he looked like a decent sort, chatting away with the people whose books he was signing - and he was speaking in a distinctly American accent rather than a thick Roscommon bog one. Then I realised he couldn't be our John Waters. There are actually two of them. You learn something new every day:):)

Here's a picture of the one I saw in Helsinki. If anyone has a picture of the Roscommon fellow choking the chicken, please post it.;)

Bannasidhe

From satirical site The Mire

Waters outraged as Caesarian study excludes men.

November 13, 2012
By Donal Conaty

A report on the number of Caesarian section procedures carried out in Irish public hospitals has been criticised for focusing on women.

The Mire’s maleness correspondent John Waters said men should not have been excluded from the report simply because of their gender.

“Where are the men in this report? It’s all women, women, women,” he raged. “Are we invisible? Can you see me?”

Mr Waters said future reports on Caesarians would have to focus exclusively on men to counter the imbalance.

lazygal

Can we play cliche bingo with his piece for next week? I predict within the first paragraph the following phrases will appear:
Militant feminism
Pro abortion agenda
Liberal media bias

PopePalpatine

^ Not long-winded enough. :pac:

Bannasidhe

PopePalpatine wrote: »

^ Not long-winded enough. :pac:

Slothful female

Sarky

"sum totality of the mysteries of reality" will be in there. Not a trace of irony. Calling it right now.

Hotblack Desiato

Ellis Dee wrote: »

If anyone has a picture of the Roscommon fellow choking the chicken, please post it.;

Well, there's an unwanted mental image that will live with me for some time :eek:

Nodin

lazygal wrote: »

Can we play cliche bingo with his piece for next week? I predict within the first paragraph the following phrases will appear:
Militant feminism
Pro abortion agenda
Liberal media bias

...and the article will contain at least one "materialism".

Turtwig

Ok feck it. I'm going to assume you heathens have nothing better to do over the coming week. So given that:

a) We've a very strong inkling as to what the subject matter of Mr Waters next article will be.
and
b) We've a decent idea of how long the article is going be.

How about folks here (who have the time!) attempt to produce this week's parody article worthy of the quality and name of Mr Waters. It'd be A&As version of the Photoshop competition thread with our heathen psychic powers added in for measure.:)

Corkfeen

I have an essay due for Friday(although I could incorporate it into the essay) :P but i'll happily go on a rant about the liberal media the following week. :pac:

Hotblack Desiato

Jernal, you used the word 'quality' and the proper noun 'Waters' in the same sentence. My language interpreter segfaulted at that point.

Turtwig

ninja900 wrote: »

Jernal, you used the word 'quality' and the proper noun 'Waters' in the same sentence.

I know, my brain hasn't stop haemorrhaging since.

The Black Oil

The internet, then, the saviour of modern youth, represents a failure of imagination and leap backwards for mankind. John 'Waffle' Waters

When I started working for the man, there was an understanding that keyboards were used to further our civil discourse, to grow a sense of duty essential to a culture contingent on engagement and intelligence. Now, instead, we find that these instruments no longer further anything but the warped agenda of ego massagers intent on undermining our core values through a subsystem of disquieting quasi-matrix Latin alternatives.

Deep within each of us there lies the need to write for the Eurovision, and yet, those on the liberal side of the argument want to ban this event from our national airwaves in an attempt to transform the media into a slavish, man hating beast. This attempt, at a paradigm shift, will be put to a referendum, but militant feminists have struck first, revealing their true pro-Mamma Mia, anti-beard agenda, and asserted that only those who have adopted their ideology can participate. This group's public narrative has been one of "inclusion" and "equality", but in reality, their aim is to obliterate, deceive, inveigle and obfuscate the masses, whilst those of us who, are already ignored, are pushed further into the detritus of total nothingness and anti-Euro-theism.

Next time, there will be no voting. No interval act. Not even a lovely horse.

lazygal

Anyone else disappointed today?

Bannasidhe

lazygal wrote: »

Anyone else disappointed today?

No. But then I don't read him.

The Black Oil

Leaving Cert 2013 - English Paper 1

'Write a column in the style of John Waters'.

/cue mass exodus from exam centres countrywide.

Sierra 117

The Black Oil wrote: »

Leaving Cert 2013 - English Paper 1

'Write a column in the style of John Waters'.

/cue mass exodus from exam centres countrywide.

The students would still get full marks though, since even a blank page has more to say than Water's bloated ramblings.

Hotblack Desiato

I think they get 3.5 hours, wouldn't be enough!

goose2005

ninja900 wrote: »

I think they get 3.5 hours, wouldn't be enough!

More like 15 minutes to dictate it on the toilet.

Hotblack Desiato

..and another four hours running the draft through a thesaurus making the language as obscure as possible

robindch

ninja900 wrote: »

..and another four hours running the draft through a thesaurus making the language as obscure as possible

For his own good, he should chuck his copy of Microsoft Word - he seems incapable of picking the right synonym.

Honestly, his dreadful prose borders on the autistic for me.

Delirium

robindch wrote: »

For his own good, he should chuck his copy of Microsoft Word - he seems incapable of picking the right synonym.

Honestly, his dreadful prose borders on the autistic for me.

And there I was thinking I had your Christmas present sorted :pac:

Links234

Ellis Dee wrote: »

I saw a sign outside a bookstore in Helsinki a few weeks ago. It said that John Waters was there signing copies of his book "Shokkiarvo" (which means "Shock Value").

I must say I felt tempted to go up to him and stick the head in him, but when I got closer I saw that he looked like a decent sort, chatting away with the people whose books he was signing - and he was speaking in a distinctly American accent rather than a thick Roscommon bog one. Then I realised he couldn't be our John Waters. There are actually two of them. You learn something new every day:):)

Here's a picture of the one I saw in Helsinki. If anyone has a picture of the Roscommon fellow choking the chicken, please post it.;)

I would've thought more people knew who the real John Waters is?

If you don't remember, this guy: