Teenage Crisis

marzipan1

Okay where to start I have 4 children, all teenagers over the age of 13. My 15 year old daughter has gone off the rails. She refuses to go to school. I just about got her to sit her junior cert but she is refusing to go back in September for Transition year. I have tried everything...being nice, taking things away but, nothing works. She was a sweet kid, but, for the last year she has completely changed she drinks smokes and recently i found out she is taking drugs. We have a stable family, the other teenagers are doing well and enjoy school. I am married, but, my husband seems to have taken a back seat on this, leaving me to deal with the situation. I am cracking up, as i dont know what to do. She got a JVO for shoplifting recently despite my giving her money to do her shopping on that occassion. I dont know how much more I can take, I just cant seem to get through to her...please help...

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

Hi there OP, this is the parenting forum, you'll get good advice here. :cool:

mariaalice

Have you taken her to the doctor to get a referral for one of the services that deal with teenage mental health problems.

Did you speak to he career guidance/ counselling teacher in her school.

Did you get the community liaison guard to talk to her.

Have you asked her what her plan for next year is.

RedXIV

Not sure how feasible it is OP but can you do a complete lockdown? Keep her in the house 24/7 for the holidays? I find with most teenagers, they seldom go off the rails alone, there is generally a group. If you can seperate her from the group and let her know WHY she's being seperated, it may be possible to get through to her.

At 15 its time to start hammering home some truths about life, number one being that no one will support someone who doesn't appreciate it. You're giving her money, why? what has she done to EARN it? Is she paying for her own phone? no? then take it off her. Thats a privilege she should respect and therefore if she doesn't, remove it.

Did she react at all in a way that showed remorse with the shoplifting? embarrassment even? If so, maybe the law enforcement route is the way to go, if you catch her smoking, bring her to the shop she got them and make her give them back without getting her money back, same with drink. If you catch her under the influence of drugs, bring her to the local garda station. My dad used to run a small village one and he'd take young people in and lock them in for the night, let them sweat about it till morning and let them go after a blistering lecture.

This is an example in life where being a thundering bitch will stand to you This is the toughest part of parenting, but if you waver at all, you've lost. Make sure she knows you've an iron fist and don't be afraid to back up ANY threat or she'll walk all over you.

Best of luck OP, this will be tough but do it right and you'll be fine

marzipan1

thanks for the advice. Yes I have tried all sorts, I made numerous appointments with councellors and parental advice centres. She runs away whenever there is an appointment made. We tried to ground her so she wouldnt see her friends, she climbed out of the window on one occassion on another when my husband tried to stop her going out she called the garda and told them we where abusing her! I dont give her money for credit, somehow her circle of friends seem to give her what she needs.

RedXIV

Do they have a regular hang out area? Somewhere they tend to meet up? If they are doing drugs, tell the gardai where they meet and say you are concerned since you discovered they have given your daughter drugs.

This is basically a power stuggle OP and it depends on how far you are willing to push it. I can't speak for what the majority says is right but If I grounded someone and they thought it was acceptable to climb out the window, i'd lock the windows. Failing that, I'd put the money into getting a couple of bars on it. That may sound over the top but i wouldn't be willing to let her think she can get away with that behavior.

Maybe I'm clouded by the fact I don't like to lose or give ground on things I've already decided but if she's not going to school, that would be too much for me.

marzipan1

her hang out area goes accross the county as in she regularly goes to Kildare to hang out. (I dont give her bus fare, she seems to find it somehow) I believe she owes money there now, so really worried i might have drug dealers knocking on my door any time soon. I know this is a power struggle, i get that. But, it doesnt make it any easier. i cannot police the door all the time, so if she wants to get out she will find a way. She has about 50 friends all over the place who seem to want to help her whenever she needs a place to stay, God knows what she tells their parents, but, i am guessing because its the summer hols, that they are letting her stay as it isnt a schoolnight etc., i would phone the garda if I knew who was supplying her, but, as it stands, despite numerous investigations i dont know who half these people are...

RedXIV

I've an 11 month old daughter who makes a dash for everything she's not allowed in the house once my back is turned. If your daughter is acting like a baby, treat her as such. We have a stair-gate and keep doors locked. You don't need to police a room with locked windows and doors

Ayla

A strange idea, but do you have any family or friends in another country? Somewhere where she'd be sent for a few months to break the cycle she's in & get her away from the habits she's forming.

Although part of me agrees with the complete lockdown idea, I'm having a hard time seeing the long term benefit of it. If she's in house arrest for a few weeks/months, what will her reaction be when she gets out? Would she see the right path, or would it cause her to rebel completely & disappear?

marzipan1

I have relatives in England, Her nanny wants to take her in for a bit, but, my husband has said no. He says we would be passing the responsibility to someone else if we do. My mam is 73 so I dont think she would be able to cope either...

Ayla

Agree, this would not be a good time for your daughter to be in the care of a (well intentioned) 73 year old woman.

Other relatives/friends - preferrably with balanced/healthy kids of similar ages?

And your husband's concerned about passing the buck? How about he step up & be active in the management of this situation?

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

A strange idea, but do you have any family or friends in another country? Somewhere where she'd be sent for a few months to break the cycle she's in & get her away from the habits she's forming.

This is a very good idea

Ayla wrote: »

Although part of me agrees with the complete lockdown idea, I'm having a hard time seeing the long term benefit of it. If she's in house arrest for a few weeks/months, what will her reaction be when she gets out? Would she see the right path, or would it cause her to rebel completely & disappear?

Well the point is to do it as she breaks a rule. She breaks a rule, she spends a day inside. she runs away for 2 days, she spends 2 days inside. Explain why she's being punished and make sure there is nothing in the room to distract her so she can actually think about it. the OP sounds pretty reasonable and considering she had 3 other kids with no problems, she's hardly a tyrant. The child needs to realise that those paying the bills are the ones in charge

marzipan1

I think its a good idea too, but, my husband is not budging on it. Although he is taking no responsibility in this matter, he doesnt like my family and will not let her go, despite my mam asking him several times, to let her go over. I have spoken to a psychologist, she sais its not a mental problem. I have spoken to the guidance councellor who says she has no fear of authority, so how can I make her listen if she just laughs in my face?

Ayla

I honestly have no idea, but god do I feel for you! This is a really scary time for you, and everything seems to be in the balance right now.

Do you go the lockdown method (thus hopefully knock some sense into her, but possibly causing her to freak out altogether & completely flip once she tastes freedome again)?

Or do you go against your hubby, who clearly doesn't feel responsible for your daughter's well being, and ship her off to someone else (change of scenery & hopeful break of cycle, but possible nightmare for receiving family)?

Or do you surrender all other job/family responsibilities you personally have, and take your daughter out to the backwoods of beyond for time away (change of scenery & little chance of her running away, but the grouchiest camping companion you could hope for!)?

Or do you call the guards, tell them what she's doing & insist that someone somewhere lock her up (boy would that make you the baddy!)

I am sorry, honestly I don't know what I'd do. All I can say is that you're doing the best you can for her, and if I were you I'd completely flip on the husband - how dare he back away from this & let you take the responsibility & potention fallout for it all!

RedXIV

If she laughs in the face of authority, she doesn't take it seriously.

Take something of hers she likes and break it. Seriously.

My mam did this to me and my brother with our playstation and we never forgot it. learned our place very quickly.

An unfulfilled threat is as useless as a chocolate oven

Ayla

See I don't think - in this particular situation - that that approach would work. I think the daughter has networked herself a lot of "friends" who will give her money, provide her lodging, get her drugs/smokes/drinks. These "friends" are the most dangerous kind - the type who will give freely, but look for return with interest.

If the OP breaks something (phone, for example) the daughter will likely go & get another from these "friends." If she's already reached the point that she will call the guarda & lie to them against her parents, she's hardly going to feel rebuked by being grounded/locked in her bedroom.

marzipan1

Ayla, I agree with you, but, my husband is running scared after she called the garda that time, he was convinced they would believe her and would end up in prison, despite my explaining that we have no history of that or abuse or anything in our family so they would not believe her. The garda in fact told us that they would not get involved as it was a domestic thing, in fact everyone i have spoken to in authority has blamed me for not being tough enough with her. I am crying as i write this as i feel such a failure and my nature is a soft one, so i find it hard to be aggressive to any of my kids...

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

See I don't think - in this particular situation - that that approach would work. I think the daughter has networked herself a lot of "friends" who will give her money, provide her lodging, get her drugs/smokes/drinks. These "friends" are the most dangerous kind - the type who will give freely, but look for return with interest.

If the OP breaks something (phone, for example) the daughter will likely go & get another from these "friends." If she's already reached the point that she will call the guarda & lie to them against her parents, she's hardly going to feel rebuked by being grounded/locked in her bedroom.

Thats the point though. If she's under lockdown, she can't contact these friends. Every parent - child relationship works because the parent provides for the child. There is always something the child needs that the parent provides, so once thats identified, remove it. Make her realise she's not in for an easy ride


Also, as pointed out, your husband needs to man up. you don't pick and choose when to be a parent. Now is the time for intervention

Ayla

Can you think of anything specifically she enjoyed doing before she got messed up in all this? Any sports? Music? Are there any sort of camps you could send her to that will help her remember the good stuff?

Do you know someone who can play the hard ball who will take her camping for a week & not put up with any crap from her?

Ayla

RedXIV wrote: »

Thats the point though. If she's under lockdown, she can't contact these friends...Make her realise she's not in for an easy ride

Normally I would 100% agree with you. But, imagine, after lockdown is done (be that after 2 days or 2 months), what is this particular kid going to do? Do you think she'll have learned her lesson? Would she be repentant? Or do you think she'd have spent that time stewing on how horrible her parents are to do this to her, and then take the first opportunity to run away & disappear?

OP - if you think your daughter would react negatively to lockdown, you need to do something else. You don't want her to get smarter with her ways of hurting you.

marzipan1

Ok firstly last time my husband tried to stop her going out she created a struggle and tried to hit him with a brick. She called the garda who said it was a domestic and couldnt help. He was terrified that he would get arrested despite us having no history of child abuse or domestic violence. He was really freaked out and has refused to get involved ever since. I feel alone and all the authority figures i have dealt with have basically blamed me...i am so upset that i am crying as i write this...I love my children and would do anything for them but, i just cant cope anymore...

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

Normally I would 100% agree with you. But, imagine, after lockdown is done (be that after 2 days or 2 months), what is this particular kid going to do? Do you think she'll have learned her lesson? Would she be repentant? Or do you think she'd have spent that time stewing on how horrible her parents are to do this to her, and then take the first opportunity to run away & disappear?

OP - if you think your daughter would react negatively to lockdown, you need to do something else. You don't want her to get smarter with her ways of hurting you.

Honestly, i see where you are coming from, but when you've nothing in the room to do, no tv, no music, no books and all you can do is think, honestly, how long can you stew for? Even in my most tempermental stages, I could do it for about 2 hours before I realised "I'm being a idiot". There is literally going to be a lightbulb moment when she realises "this isn't worth the effort" and then you're laughing. but its hard as hell until that stage

RedXIV

marzipan1 wrote: »

Ok firstly last time my husband tried to stop her going out she created a struggle and tried to hit him with a brick. She called the garda who said it was a domestic and couldnt help. He was terrified that he would get arrested despite us having no history of child abuse or domestic violence. He was really freaked out and has refused to get involved ever since. I feel alone and all the authority figures i have dealt with have basically blamed me...i am so upset that i am crying as i write this...I love my children and would do anything for them but, i just cant cope anymore...

Are any of your children older than her and able to reign her in?

Ayla

Red, I don't think you're really seeing how serious this situation is. The OP's child is not going through a stage of typical teenage rebellion. Taking away her phone & computer is not going to "snap" her out of this. For that to work, the child has to have some sense of right & wrong, and some respect for authority. This is not something that can be solved that easily.

She's out on the streets, getting drugs & doing god knows what. This is not something that a timeout will solve. Do you honestly see her coming out clean after a lockdown?

OP - I'm practically crying for you, this is heartbreaking. You have to do something though. If your husband's scared of her now it's your responsibility. Find someone, do something. A sport camp? A hardcore family friend who can take her somewhere? A youth project? A centre for troubled teens? Anything, but you have to do something - this will not get better on its own.

znv6i3h7kqf9ys

Your daughter will thank you some day for a heavy handed approach. You may have to wait 10 years for this though so be prepared for war not battle. This is a power struggle. What is concerning though and it seems to emerge in a couple of your posts is where is she getting the money from. If she is shoplifting and involved with drugs, prostitution is not far down that road. Maybe this will kick your husband into action.

Quandary

Very tough situation OP.

You sound like you have tried the softly softly approach; this hasn't worked obviously. She is 15 which is old enough to be able to discuss problems, if not with you then with someone. Is there a relation in the family she gets on really well with? if so maybe they could have quiet chat with her in a more tactful way.

If all other options have been exausted, you need to be much tougher with everything imo. The gardai have already said they wont get involved in the domestic so I would literally stuff her into her room and bolt the door and window. Take her phone, internet access, anything that will enable external communication.

The situation simply cannot be allowed to continue, if your husband wont get involved then you need to tackle the problems on your own unfortunately.

She is 15 now - if this continues for a few years she will be 18 and free to do as she pleases.

Really hope the situation starts improving for you.

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

Red, I don't think you're really seeing how serious this situation is. The OP's child is not going through a stage of typical teenage rebellion. Taking away her phone & computer is not going to "snap" her out of this. For that to work, the child has to have some sense of right & wrong, and some respect for authority. This is not something that can be solved that easily.

She's out on the streets, getting drugs & doing god knows what. This is not something that a timeout will solve. Do you honestly see her coming out clean after a lockdown?

OP - I'm practically crying for you, this is heartbreaking. You have to do something though. If your husband's scared of her now it's your responsibility. Find someone, do something. A sport camp? A hardcore family friend who can take her somewhere? A youth project? A centre for troubled teens? Anything, but you have to do something - this will not get better on its own.

Think about it. She doesn't respect authority. The only reason people don't respect authority is because they haven't experience the power going along with that. Thats the main battle here. Its not nice, it certainly won't be easy but at the end of the day, its going to take a massive stand for the OP AND her family to fix this.

For example, she tried to hit her father with a brick? Bring her down to the garda station and get her to make a statement. Report the assualt. If you don't, she'll think its fine to do it again. Let her cry abuse all she wants, thats why we have tests. To prove her wrong.

I don't envy you OP but you HAVE to be strong in this. Any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

Ayla

Quandary wrote: »

so I would literally stuff her into her room and bolt the door and window. Take her phone, internet access, anything that will enable external communication.

But for how long? You can't leave her locked in forever. At some point you will let her out, and what has been brewing as resentment in her mind will explode into full blown hatred towards her parents. She'll bolt and disappear into this dark world.

Under normal misbehaviour issues, I would completely support lockdown. I just don't see it turning out well in this particular situation.

Ayla

RedXIV wrote: »

For example, she tried to hit her father with a brick? Bring her down to the garda station and get her to make a statement. Report the assualt. If you don't, she'll think its fine to do it again. Let her cry abuse all she wants, thats why we have tests. To prove her wrong.

The OP has already said multiple times that the guardi are not getting involved (domestic disturbance).

Jagle

you need to find out what drugs she is taking for a start, there is a big difference between each one, but i wouldnt be too concerned, understand almost every young person in this day and age has access to/ or would try drugs.

Your daughter sounds like a complete brat, im sorry to say, and i know it must be hard for you as a mother to see this happening, but that doesnt change the fact that your daughter has clearly no respect for you, your husband or the family as a whole, and so i feel its time to stop respecting her, she needs to know its not acceptable.

I agree that older siblings/cousins can help straighten her out, put some sense into her, but i would seriously consider removing access to any phone/pc/tv/facebook anything, leave her with nothing for a start.
When i acted up as a teenager, i hated my parents for what they did, but as soon as you mature you realise that they did it for your own good.

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

The OP has already said multiple times that the guardi are not getting involved (domestic disturbance).

Attacked by a brick is not a domestic disturbance. Go back down to the guards and make a statement, if they send you away, demand to speak to a sergeant, my dad's a guard, and he spent half his life at domestics, the guards don't just suddenly pick and choose what they do any more