Teenage Crisis

LegacyUser

Hi,

I really feel for you and can clearly see your concern from your posts. I myself am a secondary school teacher and have seen teenagers change in this way with every year group that passes through our doors.

First thing to say is that this is not your fault, in reality there is more than likely nothing you could have done to prevent this. In my experience a lot students who change like this are having some personal difficulties- perhaps lack of self confidence, body image issues or bullying. They turn to a large group of often older teenagers for protection and reassurance. Drugs and alcohol are obviously a way of fitting in or escaping whatever is troubling her.

You could try sit down with your daughter and ask her if she doesn't want to go back to school what does she want to do. This simple question could be a way of opening up dialogue. I imagine at the moment she feels that you are the enemy trying to "hold her back" (she doesn't see it from an adults point of view). If you try opening a positive dialogue this may help get things going.

There are obviously reasons why her friends are giving her money and sex could be one. I know it may be hard to think of this but it is a real possiblity.

Overall, you need to stay calm, shouting and arguing will make her feel that you are against her. I think constant communication with Gardai and school are also important.

While the suggestion to send her to a camp or relative may seem like a good idea in reality if she doesn't want to go she won't stay and will run away.

Again, I really feel for you and wish I could be more helpful......

Quandary

Ayla wrote: »

But for how long? You can't leave her locked in forever. At some point you will let her out, and what has been brewing as resentment in her mind will explode into full blown hatred towards her parents. She'll bolt and disappear into this dark world.

Under normal misbehaviour issues, I would completely support lockdown. I just don't see it turning out well in this particular situation.

The only thing she seems to want is complete freedom. She is not old enough to handle that yet.

Her freedom needs to be taken from her until she is prepared to agree to talk to somebody. However long it takes, 2 days, a week, more? Seriously, worse case scenario she wrecks the room in a fit of rage, let her. If you are working OP I would take a week of work if possible if i was you and try the lock down approach. If you don't try it then you wont know whether or not it will work.

Also, do you know the friends she is hanging around with? try get in contact with their parents to see if they are going through something similar? strength in numbers and all that

Ayla

OP, all you can do (and have done) is your best.

Sure, try the lockdown if you think it'll help. I disagree with Quandry, though, that the worst that'll happen is that she destroys the room. That's small peanuts to me. I've said before that I think the worst (and, imo, more probable outcome) is that she'll be smart, pretend to be repentant, then disappear at the first opportunity.

I truly think the best option for you at this time is to seperate her from all that she knows and the routines that she's forming. She needs to experience something different, remember what fun some activities can be. She needs to meet new/healthier friends. None of that will happen in lockdown.

marzipan1

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

Jagle

marzipan1 wrote: »

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

honestly that was great, her attitude stunk but you did very well.

perhaps ring social welfare and question if they could take her off you, just to turn around to her tell her youve spoken to them and they will put her in a foster home for the next 2 years, might scare her a bit.

please make sure while she is up in her room she doesnt ahve phone/computer/tv anything to distract her from why she is in there

RedXIV

marzipan1 wrote: »

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

Thats a FANTASTIC start. really, you should be proud of yourself. I know it hurts hearing things like that but unfortunately, you will probably hear them for a while. But serious, big hats off to you for taking a step up in this. It does get easier the more you do it so DON'T back down now and keep the tough stance for a while.

bulmersgal

I'd drag her down to where she can see the biggest load of junkies and ask her is this the way she wants to grow up like. I think you need to be firm, when i was younger I lived in rough area and the sight of all those poor junkies scared me silly, I was terrified to touch drugs incase I ended up like them.

Is there such a thing as Narcotics anonymous? Maybe bring her to one of those classes and listen to people who started out the way she did.

You did the right thing by confronting her and being strong on outside. Its so hard when you can see somebody throwing there life away. Hopefully she sees sense soon

Ayla

bulmersgal wrote: »

I'd drag her down to where she can see the biggest load of junkies and ask her is this the way she wants to grow up like. I think you need to be firm, when i was younger I lived in rough area and the sight of all those poor junkies scared me silly, I was terrified to touch drugs incase I ended up like them.

Good idea!

OP - great job! As the others said, she's going to say (and probably mean) that she hates you, but that's ok for now. Let her hate you all she needs to, but you are the parent & you are doing this for her good. Stick to it!

Quandary

Well done OP, that's a great start!

She is old enough to understand that she can't continue behaving like this. Also make sure that your husband doesn't undermine your rules by giving in to her.

mariaalice

I had problems with my youngest daughter when she was a young teenager, noting like as bad as your describing, she turned out fine in the end, and at 18 is grand has a boyfriend, friends, she has just finished school and is going to college things can turn out all right. She was about sixteen and a half before things took a turn for the better.

If she agrees to go back to school don't make her do forth year let her go in to fifth year and get out of school as quick as she can, tell her all you expect is that she pass her leaving cert.

It was noting in particular that worked for my daughter I think she just grew up, but her dad my ex husband is the kind of man that people describe as having presence and his attitude to her was my will is stronger than yours and you will not get the better of me.

I feel so sorry for you its so stressful to deal with.

marzipan1

yep that has been a bit of a problem in the past, you know good cop bad cop scenario,me being the bad cop or so it seems, i do find this hard sometimes and when i tell him he gets narky with me, the trouble is she took an overdose last year and i suppose he is worried about that side of things, God! I hate being a parent sometimes, thank God my other three are stable and only go off the rails as most teenagers do sometimes....thanks for all the advice, I will keep you posted...

Justask

First thing to do is contact the education welfare officer, I know someone who was in your shoes and they contacted them because the last thing you right now is the hassle of them knocking on your door about her absent from school. Its you they will come after not her. So you need to inform them of your situation.

Havent read all the thread yet bit this is an important thing to do.

Justask

You seem to be doing all you can, you hubby really needs to cop on and give you more suport, you dont need a battle with him aswell.


This might be worth a look....

http://www.bbbsireland.ie/

marzipan1

I already contacted the welfare officer, i was a bit scared first of all, but, she turned out to be really nice, but, they cant really help in this situation or so it seems. they cannot make her physically go to school. recently i started marching her to the school but, she would leave as soon as the first lesson was over in transit to the next, the school basically said they are not a prison and cannot keep an eye on her all the time. Grounding her this time has been for going on a bender for the last few days on a drugs and alcohol binge, I dont know if this is going to help overall with the school thing, or if things are going to change, but, i have to do something as the situation is heartbreaking at the moment..

LadyMayBelle

In my honest opinion OP, I would ring social services, right this minute and make an urgent referral and tell them you cannot handle your daughters behaviour anymore. I have come across a very similar family situation recently where the parents are terrified of their daughter because she verbally, physically and emotionally abuses them and has made horrific threats, which she then carries out.

The talks haven't worked. The gardai haven't done anything (except they should have made a referal based on the age of your teen). Lockdown may/may not be working. Shut off the internet/phones, and do NOT switch it back on.

Yes there are issues that need to be addressed in you and your husbands parenting styles, and you can have them addressed through a social services intervernion, be it be attending skills groups or whatever.

If you admit you cannot handle your daughter's behaviour, and she needs help, they will have to step in and yes if that means time away

LadyMayBelle

From a qucik read of the posts, it strikes me how scared you are of her behaviour and that makes me think, wow what must it feel like for your daughter to have that power; as great as it seems, it's scary!!

As well as all the normal ups and downs of teenage life you daughter is experincing, she has a shed load of issues and bad attitutides, which can be sorted and helped, WHEN she is ready to face up. Where you are at now, I think is crisis point, where you need external help and you cannot back down. You are the parent.

I imagine, that things will fizzle out a bit, but erupt again in a massive crisis, so act now. You'll hear horrible things like she hates you and never wants to see you and wishes you were dead, but stand firm and don't act back in anger.

You're not 'giving' up because you phone social services by the way, you're reaching out because you need help and cannot do it alone.

marzipan1

I agree it seems to go good for a little while and when i think she is okay again it all sparks up again, and then POW! back to square one with it. I have a social services lady who is going to contact me tomorrow, but, i am scared of this too, I dont want my daughter taken away, I grew up in a big family with a tough mother who beat us regularly and this is why i probably went the other way, I feel a failure as a parent for not being able to sort this out. My heart is breaking from all the hate aimed at me today. But, I know now its for the best, yet still I dont want her taken away from me, I love her...

Justask

marzipan1 wrote: »

I agree it seems to go good for a little while and when i think she is okay again it all sparks up again, and then POW! back to square one with it. I have a social services lady who is going to contact me tomorrow, but, i am scared of this too, I dont want my daughter taken away, I grew up in a big family with a tough mother who beat us regularly and this is why i probably went the other way, I feel a failure as a parent for not being able to sort this out. My heart is breaking from all the hate aimed at me today. But, I know now its for the best, yet still I dont want her taken away from me, I love her...

STOP...you are not a failure as a parent, far from it. The last thing they will do is take her away from you that will be a very very last resort. You contacted social services which is a massive difference then been reported. Its worlds apart.

Maybe it will give her a fright, one she needs!! My heart is going out to you it truely is.

Aye Bosun

Locking down a 15 yr old girl is only going to make her more angry and push her away from the family unit. I speak from experience as I was that 15yr old girl some 15 years ago. I was smoking, drink and taking drugs, angry with the world, no time for school just my friends, if my parents even spoke to me I'd fly off the handle. There is no point in trying to stop your daughter from see her friends, she will find a way somehow and in reality she is nearly an adult (she is an adult in her own eyes) and you need to address this situation accordingly.
Some good advice is breaking the cycle for your daughter and showing her a new perspective on life. I don't know if you have ever heard of sail training (you don't have to be into sailing to take to part), and the benefits it has on young people, it is a life changing experience. You are thrown into an environment that you are unfamiliar with, with a bunch of people your age, from all walks of life. You have to learn to work, live and play together. You quickly learn you cannot do it on your own and need the help of those around. I was sent off on the Asgard II to when I was 16yrs, I will never forget that experience for the rest of my life. When I walked out the door of my family home I was a B*tch when I arrived home 2 weeks later I was different person, according to my mother I actually looked different, but inside I was more confident in myself and realised that I made the choices in my life but I had to live with the consequences also. I know this all sounds a little too good to be true, but if you know anyone out there that has gone through sail training they will tell you the same. There are no more sail training boats left in Ireland after the Asgard sank, but if you google Sail Training International or Sail Training UK you will find lots of info about.
If you want to know more about, feel free to PM me.

LadyMayBelle

You situation is so, so hard and it’s natural for you to feel devastated…but you need to keep strong and remember that you need to protect and do what is best for you and your family. Social service involvement is a lot, lot different from your childhood experiences, which sound so sad. You’re not a failure, no way Jose! But you need to take back the control your daughter has taken.

Ayla

Aye Bosun wrote: »

ever heard of sail training

+1

That's the kind of activity I was trying (rather pathetically) to suggest for your daughter. Those types of "camps" really can change people.

OP, I agree with those saying Social Services will do anything & everything possible before going down the route of removing your daughter from your home. They don't need another child on their books, and it's not in your child or your family's best interest. That will be a last resort only, so don't let the fear of that keep you from using their help as much as possible.

Best of luck with it all - it's going to be a tough road but stick with it!

Justask

marzipan1 wrote: »

I agree it seems to go good for a little while and when i think she is okay again it all sparks up again, and then POW! back to square one with it. I have a social services lady who is going to contact me tomorrow, but, i am scared of this too, I dont want my daughter taken away, I grew up in a big family with a tough mother who beat us regularly and this is why i probably went the other way, I feel a failure as a parent for not being able to sort this out. My heart is breaking from all the hate aimed at me today. But, I know now its for the best, yet still I dont want her taken away from me, I love her...

Th big brother big sister is a brilliant organisation...its worth a call.
They deal with these kinda things everyday.

marzipan1

the big brother thing sounds good, I will look into it, I am so glad I came on this site, you have all been such a huge help in this matter...smiling for the first time today

Justask

marzipan1 wrote: »

the big brother thing sounds good, I will look into it, I am so glad I came on this site, you have all been such a huge help in this matter...smiling for the first time today

Aww bless ya.. really wish we had more answers for you.

Just try to keep strong and give your hubby a kick in the bum to get his ass in gear

cocokay

op, did you say she tried to overdose? did something happen to her or in her childhood that is making her flip out? or did she do something she is feeling guilty about?
tell your husband to grow a pair, he is equally responsible for her! ask him does he want to be a grandad at his age? that should shock him into doing something.
my father said to me, if you want to drop out of school go ahead. get a sh!tty job. but you'll be out of here cause i'm not supporting you and having your mother cooking n cleaning for you. it shocked me into copping on - where was i gonna live? my "friends" (who were evil little b!tches, i just didn't have the strength to walk away) weren't gonna let me move in with their parents, where would i get money? i'd end up cleaning toilets or something not having any experience in the real world.
say to her her "listen, you want to be a grown up then cop on and stop with your attitude. i am asking you a valid question, if you don't go back to school in september, what ARE you going to do?" and if she says get a job say good luck with that, and i won't be supporting you while you search so you better get looking asap and find a place to live as well.
call her bluff.
best of luck x

the_syco

Best she learns the hardway now, or she'll nose-dive into drugs & prostitution when she hits 18.

Also, check out; http://www.irishsailtraining.com/News/tabid/412/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/2669/language/en-US/Sail-Training-Ireland-launched-by-Chairman-of-Sail-Training-International.aspx

marzipan1

when she overdosed she would not say why to anyone. I believe someone told her that if she tried it, she would be able to do what she wanted after. I cannot see any clear reason for her to do it. As i said we have a stable home apart from my husbands cowardice at dealing with things. Since my last post she has gone again, running off in her pyjama bottoms. I am at dispair again, my husband will be home soon, and I am dreading telling him, as he will blame me...Crap...what a mess...

Ayla

NOOOOOO!

First, not good that she ran off. Can you think of where she'd go?

Second, I want to smack your husband upside the head! Blaming you?! When he's too scared of your daughter to have any sort of responsibility? THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! :mad:

Justask

When she runs off whats the longest she stays out for?

Justask

Ohhhhh ur husband needs to grow up....

Heres another link for you,

http://www.parentline.ie/


Have you got support of other people other then ur husband??