Teenage Crisis

the_syco

marzipan1 wrote: »

my husband seems to have taken a back seat on this, leaving me to deal with the situation.

marzipan1 wrote: »

I am at dispair again, my husband will be home soon, and I am dreading telling him, as he will blame me...Crap...what a mess...

If he blames you, go nuclear meltdown on him.

marzipan1 wrote: »

Since my last post she has gone again, running off in her pyjama bottoms.

Wearing pyjamas are a "fashion" at the moment, so she's probably dressed normally underneath it.

LadyMayBelle

marzipan1 wrote: »

when she overdosed she would not say why to anyone. I believe someone told her that if she tried it, she would be able to do what she wanted after. I cannot see any clear reason for her to do it. As i said we have a stable home apart from my husbands cowardice at dealing with things. Since my last post she has gone again, running off in her pyjama bottoms. I am at dispair again, my husband will be home soon, and I am dreading telling him, as he will blame me...Crap...what a mess...

The overdose, whatever it is bugging her and making her upset and acting out/the stable background/inconsistent parenting is all secondary all this point...it will be looked into as part and parcel of an assessment of her and the family.

You agreed Marzipan that she goes up and down, and it will continue to do so until a point there is a very, very serious crisis. Overdosing is a cry for help. Her risk taking behaviour and extreme boundary pushing to us as parents seems like rebellion, to your daughter is is probably a combination of a cry for help and her struggling with the tranistion from childhood into adulthood.

All I can say is *try* be empathic to her mood if she returns tonight, telling her how you feel rather than giving out to her as hard as that sounds (it gets people's defense up massively when we say 'you shouldn't/won't etc'), and when the social worker comes tomorrow be honest and not allow yourself to be blinded.

Good luck

sparkling sea

This is a awful situation and very difficult to handle, sometimes its only the passage of time and luck that brings about a change in behaviour. Other times a good counsellor can get to the route of this destructive behaviour - but its very hard to get a good counsellor.
There is usually something thats happened, know matter how small, that sparks off this kind of behaviour, bullying by so called friends, trying to impress a boy who may turn out to be a really bad influence, something.

One thing your husband and yourself know for sure is that what ye are doing now is not working, so ye will have to change tack. The other thing is that both of ye need to be united in your disappointment with your daughters behaviour or she will play ye off against one another and this will make the situation even harder to deal with.

In my opinion you need to be very careful with the Garda, your daughter is still very young and there is very little the Gardai can do for you or your daughter.
You have to be careful she doesn't get labeled by them because of the long term effects this can have for her.
If you are lucky enough to have come across a helpful JLO when your daughter received her caution, did the JLO offer any help; eg, supervision, diversion? I know the JLO's are overrun with cases but they might have given you some help?

With regards to social workers, it would seem that where there are caring parents involved they really just don't want to know - they have enough to deal with, with children whose parents dont give a toss about them - I know this isn't what you want to hear but it seems to be the truth.

You could try searching the internet for expert advice in this area - but you do need to be very careful and make sure anyone offering advice is an actual expert.

What you know for certain is that your daughter is suffering from very low self esteem, for what ever reason and you need some expert advice on how to help her and you through this nightmare. Good luck but its very tricky

Justask

You need to know you are not alone going through things like this.

I've a teenager and i've seen some of his peers behaving in this way...

Sorry for all the links but if even one of them can give you a little bit of hope its worth it.

<snip>

LadyMayBelle

Justask wrote: »

You need to know you are not alone going through things like this.

I've a teenager and i've seen some of his peers behaving in this way...

Sorry for all the links but if even one of them can give you a little bit of hope its worth it.

<snip>

Just please, please be careful with diagnosing ODD..it'a used far too often these days and I see kids everyday with 'ODD' and they get 'undiagnosed' years later. A lot of your daughter's beahviour is normal teenage behaviour, but a lot of it is to the absolute extreme. You need to know that you and your daughter can most def be helped and her behaviour will improve but it needs to come from you, with outside help if necessary.

The many whys/whens/what's are historical and can be dealt with through assessment and therapy, but again it's about what you need to do now.

Justask

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Just please, please be careful with diagnosing ODD..it'a used far too often these days and I see kids everyday with 'ODD' and they get 'undiagnosed' years later. A lot of your daughter's beahviour is normal teenage behaviour, but a lot of it is to the absolute extreme. You need to know that you and your daughter can most def be helped and her behaviour will improve but it needs to come from you, with outside help if necessary.

The many whys/whens/what's are historical and can be dealt with through assessment and therapy, but again it's about what you need to do now.

It was a link for this lady to have a look at
Diagnosing ODD needs to be done by a pro....

sparkling sea

You could try ringing somewhere like a Squashy Couch, who might be able direct you to a teen psychologist.

They may have recommendations (re psychologist or counsellor) from other teenagers who have gone through similiar issues as your daughter. There is alot of choice out there but your daughter really needs someone who will be proactive in helping her now and a good recommendation by teenagers is worth its weight in gold

Another thing you might consider is family mediation as I would think the whole family is affected by this crisis. Obviously this is not about attacking your daughter or your husband and its not about them not understanding the pain you are in. It can be very helpful in giving parents and children a plan to work from and stick too, but everyone has to be open and honest for this to work

Amazotheamazing

First and foremost yourself and your husband need to sit down and come up with a plan you can both get behind. Present a united front so she can't play ye off each other. Explain to your husband how you feel he's failing to deal with the situation and how in turn that's increasing the pressure on you. Then decide what can be done. If you can get her onto one of those courses then do so, I did something similar and it changed my perspective on things.

I think you're being quite hard on yourself and honestly, it's awful to read what you've been through. I think you've done everything you could do so far.

LadyMayBelle

Justask wrote: »

It was a link for this lady to have a look at
Diagnosing ODD needs to be done by a pro....

Yup, I know, and I wasn't saying you were trying to do anything other than help!! Just throwing in my word of caution that's all!

lace

Hi OP! First off I just want to say that your daughter's problems are not your fault. It's nothing to do with your parenting skills. From what you've posted here you're trying to do everything right by her. A bad parent would just let her off to do whatever she wants (and many do).

I know it's tough when she's directing a lot of anger towards and saying hateful, hurtful things but you have to remember it's just the phase she's going through and the terrible teenage hormones etc. I was an absolute b*tch to my mother when I was a young teen but I realize now I was just complete and utter fool.

If you want to kick your husband into action I suggest you employ some scare tactics with him also. Another poster has suggested letting him know that a life of alcohol, drugs and crime can often lead to prostitution and I'd have to second that. This may be the wake up call he needs. Make a rough estimate of how much money she goes through in a week/month in terms of travel, credit, cigarettes etc. and drive home the fact that this money has to be coming from somewhere. Tell him you don't want her catching all sorts of STI's or landing you with a grandchild she's not prepared to look after.

Perhaps starting with getting him to do small things - research on certain drugs or treatment centres or something - so that he can feel he's helping without actually having to confront your daughter.

Do you have anyone else - sisters/aunties/cousins/close friends - who can offer you support?

Could your other children possibly keep an eye on her or try to find out who she's hanging out with and where they're going? If she has a Facebook account I suggest you get your other children to have a good snoop (if they haven't done so already) for clues as to who these friends are. You may even be able to recognize places she's hanging out from the backgrounds of pictures she's been tagged in.

Finding out who this group of "friends" without making yourself obvious is going to be difficult. Perhaps you could talk to the Gardai or locals in Kildare (you mentioned she goes there to hang out) and explain that your daughter has been hanging out with a group of others - probably causing trouble and using drugs - and see if it rings any bells.

Breaking contact with this group is really important but taking her phone away or locking her in her room won't work. If possible, sending her away to some sort of camp seems like a good idea. If her "friends" don't hear from her for a while they'll just forget about her and move on. I know it's a drastic measure, but it's something you could look into as a last resort.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/yorkslincs/series2/bootcamp_children_discipline_delinquents_juvenille_behaviour.shtml

http://www.bratcamps.com/brat_camp_locations.html

January

Justask wrote: »

You need to know you are not alone going through things like this.

I've a teenager and i've seen some of his peers behaving in this way...

Sorry for all the links but if even one of them can give you a little bit of hope its worth it.

<snip>

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Just please, please be careful with diagnosing ODD..it'a used far too often these days and I see kids everyday with 'ODD' and they get 'undiagnosed' years later. A lot of your daughter's beahviour is normal teenage behaviour, but a lot of it is to the absolute extreme. You need to know that you and your daughter can most def be helped and her behaviour will improve but it needs to come from you, with outside help if necessary.

The many whys/whens/what's are historical and can be dealt with through assessment and therapy, but again it's about what you need to do now.

Justask wrote: »

It was a link for this lady to have a look at
Diagnosing ODD needs to be done by a pro....

**Mod Note**

I think we'll refrain from mentioning any type of disorder the OP's daughter may have, it's against the forum charter.

Moonbeam

How do her siblings feel about the situation?
Call a family meeting, order pizza and all sit around the table and let everyone vent their issues.
Maybe you could try do some mother daughter things with your 15 year old? gain her trust and she might open up to you.

marzipan1

firstly thanks for all the advice in my absence she has texted me to say she is staying with a friend as she is hurt and angry at me. I the friend says she will not being doing anything bad just watching a movie. My husband was his usual self, blustering that social should take her away, my oldest daughter is not impressed with his attitude either she is like, why does he tell her off and not the 15 year old. My other daughter who is 14 says she hates the 15 year old now after yesterday. My son is saying nothing just wants a bit of peace from this. I cant help thinking that nothing has changed, in fact it seems worse. If she comes back tonight nothing will have changed, the chances are she will stay away for the weekend. The friend is a new friend who I dont know only the first name. The issue of her going back to school has not changed, I cannot find a common ground with her, everything I Suggest that we do together she laughs at, she says she would prefer to be taken away rather than live with a family she hates. I dont get it, I dont understand it. I have seen and heard worse mothers who beat their kids and swear at them, on our estate a lot of the mums are drunks who dont know where there kids are and yet they cope, and have normal kids, so why is this happening to me?

LadyMayBelle

Great your daughter is communicating her feelings to you. Look at it this way; she is verbalising to you that she feels hurt and angry..as opposed to just acting out..now she needs you to listen to her...we all hate not be listened to right?

For now please try forget about whatever was done/was not done in the past, and focus on the now, the present, as you will get caught up in feeling sad, bad, shame, guilt, and listen to her. Acknowledge that you can see she is angry, upset and hurt and verbalise to her how you feel; no judging statements; tell her it saddens you and upsets you, and you want to do what is best for her.. if she is asking to live with another family, to report her to the social, do it. She is asking, forget about the sentimentalities, because now nothing else is working. Look at it like this; she is reaching out, maybe in a manner we all don't like, but it's possible that she won't reach out again.

Your other two children are tellig you that they can't handle it anymore either; listen to them as well. For the good of all your family and most of all your daughter.

Please try not to focus on you for the min, as hard as it is, and youre doing your best, I am sure (and you sound lovely). Listen to her please, verbal and non-verbal. Good luck with the SS visit today. Be hoenst and tell them you are really concerned about her wellbeing, her safety and explain that she is extremely vulnerable and you need support.

LegacyUser

Hi, I am 15 also and was just going to suggest a few things, I don't know if any of it will help but I'll post them anyway.
I have a sibling who was in sort of a similar situation to your daughter. My parents think he took drugs one time and that is what set him off (he was quite vulnerable). He actually had depression I think and threatened suicide all the time. He was quite aggressive and would have a major tantrum (would have a full on fight with my brother/try with my dad) over the smallest things. He always had money somehow and I didn't like him, we were always just waiting for him to flip etc. My parents got a JLO (I think that's it - junior liason officer - I think that they have a warning and if they do anything bad again something happens). He stopped going to school around 4th year. My parents tried a lot, and like yourself have a stable family. My reaction was similar to your 14 year old daughters reaction.
Anyway to get on to my suggestions;
1. You could get a pretty tough, big garda to come and talk to her ie. be really tough on her and say they are watching her and if she doesn't clean up her act she'll be hearing from them or something.
2. Get some pretty bad pictures of the effects of drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. There was an article and photo sometime ago (only heard about it though) of a woman who was a heroin addict and was told that if she didn't stop she would have to have her arm amputated. She got help and is fine now with a family I think. Try get really bad ones to really scare her.
3. Bootcamp as others have suggested.
4. I saw on a tv programme where a teenager was acting really badly so one of the parents said they were washing their hands off of her and they were no longer 'with' her. It worked, but this was fiction so I don't know if it would work.
5. I was watching supernanny a while ago and this child was pretty bad (she was 9) and she suggested have a mum and daughter day out together every so often. It might help her get closer and talk to you maybe? She might be feeling like no one loves her.
Don't let her see you in despair or you talking to your husband about her. Make sure you seem calm all the time. Any chance you could send her to boarding school for a year/term? You could send her to France even to a strict boarding school (lots of people go to learn french in transition year).

As I said I don't know if any of this will help but hopefully it will and I hope everything starts to get better for you.

smelltheglove

Great advice above.

I knew someone once who had a drug problem, got in with the wrong crowd. This person was past the teens too and living away from home and his parents actually somehow got him to their house where they did a lock down. Cold turkey in a room completely locked up, like what we saw in Emmerdale recently. He went on to run a pretty succesful business too.

OP you clearly are not going to give up on your daughter no matter what and fair play to you, it may be a hard road but get a hold of it now and save more hassle in the future. You have been given fantastic advice here and hopefully you will start to see a turn around soon. Maybe try and take a few days away just you and her, maybe one of her sisters, just get away down the country somewhere where there is nothing but each of you and the fresh air, go back to basics and see if you can rebuild on that.

Da Shins Kelly

OK, I've read through this, and although I'm not a parent myself, I have been in the situation your daughter is in.

I really think the lockdown idea is best. And when I say lockdown, I mean serious lockdown for at least the rest of the summer. Lock her in her room, with the windows and doors locked. Raid her room for any communication devices. Take out any computer that is in there, take away the iPod and smash her mobile phone (and I mean smash it). You need to cut her friends out. Teenagers like her feel emboldened around their friends; they're braver, they feel more capable of taking on anyone in authority if they have a social circle that is backing them up on every move. You're being way too soft on her. She doesn't have any respect for you at all. You have to instill the fear of God in her, or she's going to continue to walk all over you. I really don't think she'll be that angry when she gets out. She'll have had time to think, and she'll be away from her friends, who I'd say are completely poisonous. With kids like her, it is often the friend group that are the big problem. If she's locked up for a long period of time without contact with her friends, they'll probably move on without her, and when she gets out they won't be her friends anymore. Friends like that are not real friends. They hang out with her to have the 'good times', not because they actually care about her. They will more than likely, have moved on to other people by the time she gets out. If she's a ringleader in the group, a new leader will more than likely emerge while she's away. If possible, I would find out who the key 'friends' are in the group, and go to their parents and tell them you don't want their children around your daughter anymore. The friends really are very important in situations like this. Cut them out, and you've cut off her support base, she'll have no one to turn to except you.

You also need to have a serious conversation with your husband. You need to be seen to be putting up a united front on this. She needs to see that you're both taking her on together and supporting each other. He needs to back up any disciplining that you do. It's harder for her to take on both of you at the same time. She's walking all over you both because she knows she can - she knows you're soft and she knows your husband is refusing to take responsibility. You need to come down on her like a tonne of bricks. I know you were told that she has no fear of authority, but that is simply because she doesn't know the full wrath of authority. If she attempts to assault anyone in the family, you march her right down to the Garda station, and you turn her in for assault. If there's a possibility of having her locked up for the night, do it. Get the Gardaí on side with this.

Your daughter is a b*tch, I'm sorry to say, and you're just gonna have to give as good as you get. Take her on, and do not give in until you win. You have to keep plugging away until she matures, otherwise she will never respect you, or understand the importance of respecting others or authority.

Good luck.

Justask

Da Shins Kelly wrote: »

Your daughter is a b*tch, I'm sorry to say, and you're just gonna have to give as good as you get. Take her on, and do not give in until you win. You have to keep plugging away until she matures, otherwise she will never respect you, or understand the importance of respecting others or authority.

Good luck.

While I agree with a couple of things you have said, calling this ladies daughter a 'b*tch' is not helpful.
At the end of the day she is a teenager who has obviously lost her way and I totally agree a firm chat with her partner is very much needed.

sparkling sea

Da Shins Kelly wrote: »

OK, I've read through this, and although I'm not a parent myself, I have been in the situation your daughter is in.

I really think the lockdown idea is best. And when I say lockdown, I mean serious lockdown for at least the rest of the summer. Lock her in her room, with the windows and doors locked. Raid her room for any communication devices. Take out any computer that is in there, take away the iPod and smash her mobile phone (and I mean smash it). You need to cut her friends out. Teenagers like her feel emboldened around their friends; they're braver, they feel more capable of taking on anyone in authority if they have a social circle that is backing them up on every move. You're being way too soft on her. She doesn't have any respect for you at all. You have to instill the fear of God in her, or she's going to continue to walk all over you. I really don't think she'll be that angry when she gets out. She'll have had time to think, and she'll be away from her friends, who I'd say are completely poisonous. With kids like her, it is often the friend group that are the big problem. If she's locked up for a long period of time without contact with her friends, they'll probably move on without her, and when she gets out they won't be her friends anymore. Friends like that are not real friends. They hang out with her to have the 'good times', not because they actually care about her. They will more than likely, have moved on to other people by the time she gets out. If she's a ringleader in the group, a new leader will more than likely emerge while she's away. If possible, I would find out who the key 'friends' are in the group, and go to their parents and tell them you don't want their children around your daughter anymore. The friends really are very important in situations like this. Cut them out, and you've cut off her support base, she'll have no one to turn to except you.

You also need to have a serious conversation with your husband. You need to be seen to be putting up a united front on this. She needs to see that you're both taking her on together and supporting each other. He needs to back up any disciplining that you do. It's harder for her to take on both of you at the same time. She's walking all over you both because she knows she can - she knows you're soft and she knows your husband is refusing to take responsibility. You need to come down on her like a tonne of bricks. I know you were told that she has no fear of authority, but that is simply because she doesn't know the full wrath of authority. If she attempts to assault anyone in the family, you march her right down to the Garda station, and you turn her in for assault. If there's a possibility of having her locked up for the night, do it. Get the Gardaí on side with this.

Your daughter is a b*tch, I'm sorry to say, and you're just gonna have to give as good as you get. Take her on, and do not give in until you win. You have to keep plugging away until she matures, otherwise she will never respect you, or understand the importance of respecting others or authority.

Good luck.

Wouldn't go with the lock down cause you don't know what causing the insecurity. A whole host of reasons from something tiny to something huge could be the catalyst for all this upset. Lockdown addresses nothing, you need to get to the core. You don't know that lockdoewn is keeping her safe because you dont know what the problem is.

Again the Gardai can only criminalise you child - think long and hard before you subject her to all the reprecussions this may have - look at all the alternatives.

Your daughter may not have or may be testing boundries but that doesn't make her a bitch, it dose make her unsure and lost.

Get proper help

Da Shins Kelly

Justask wrote: »

While I agree with a couple of things you have said, calling this ladies daughter a 'b*tch' is not helpful.
At the end of the day she is a teenager who has obviously lost her way and I totally agree a firm chat with her partner is very much needed.

I've been in this situation too, and I was a complete b*tch as well. Of course she's got issues, but she is behaving like a b*tch. You need to see it for what it is. There are ways of dealing with problems, and the way she is dealing with them is wrong. I understand that she's just a kid, but teenage girls really are the worst for this kind of sh*t. They are far more b*tchy than boys. I've been there, I've seen girls like this too. We were all b*tches. Thankfully, most of us have grown up and grown out of it. I don't consider myself a b*tch anymore, but I certainly was then.

sparkling sea wrote: »

Wouldn't go with the lock down cause you don't know what causing the insecurity. A whole host of reasons from something tiny to something huge could be the catalyst for all this upset. Lockdown addresses nothing, you need to get to the core. You don't know that lockdoewn is keeping her safe because you dont know what the problem is.

Putting her on lockdown means that she's separated from her friends, who are probably encouraging her behaviour. It gives the mother a chance to first of all get her under control, which is the main problem at the moment. This woman seems to be having a problem even keeping the child in the house right now. If she's locked in, then there's very little chance that she can escape and go back to these so-called 'friends'. It means the mother can have a chance to actually have a sit-down with the daughter, away from the bad influences and without the possibility of the daughter fleeing. She's more likely to be able to talk to her this way. The lockdown is just a means to keep her in the house. Once she is under control and has her means of communicating with her friends cut off, then I think there's a better chance she'll open up. She won't stay hostile for the entire amount of time she's kept inside. Keep her in and away from her friends (and be completely firm about this, DO NOT waver on this, especially in relation to the friends), but still show some kindness - cook her some nice meals or get some DVDs or something that you can watch together. This will show her that you're not completely horrible and it may also give you a chance to get some dialogue going. She will probably be resistant at first, but I suspect over time she will begin to soften, and that's when she's more likely to open up and tell you what's really bothering her. Then you can ease up on the totalitarianism.

However, right now, you need to first of all get her under control. You need to parent her, not be her friend. She won't be angry forever, and she will thank you. This is what my Dad did whenever I acted out - he just ruled with an iron fist, and it worked. It taught me some respect, and I learned how to deal with my anger in better ways, rather than taking it out on my parents. This is what your daughter needs, and while I appreciate it may be difficult to come down so hard on her, it is for the best in the long run, and it will be easier to address the issues she may have going forward.

Whynotme

Your story is very similar to something I went through with my youngest daughter a few years ago. Like you I tried everything to no avail. She took a knife to me, cursed me from a height etc. However, she didn't do drugs, just was so angry all the time. So basically I sat her down, couldn't cope with it any longer, and told her that while I loved her, I really didn't 'like' this person and we had to do something. So we went to the doc and got her on the pill, one that also balances out hormones etc. And the difference. Eventually we were able to sit down and properly discuss what was going on with her. It turns out there were a number of things, major bullying in school which had spread to outside school so she would only go to certain places where she knew she wouldn't run into the bullies. She also refused to go back to school for 6th yr. She also really wanted to live with her dad and up to then he couldn't/wouldn't have her. Fortunately (!) around that time he split with his partner and my daughter went to 'mind' him. And stayed. She got into a new school, expanded her friend base where she is now living. And is so happy and content the girl is unrecognisable. What I am trying to say is once we sorted the hormones out, the rest fell into place.

My bro also has a problem with his daughter, same age as yours and she too is a nightmare. He eventually called to the local garda station and spoke to the Community Garda and asked him to speak with her. They called to the house and gave her a rude awakening. They told her if they picked her up again for ANYTHING that it wouldn't be the parents they would call, it would be social services, foster care, basic comforts etc. This was 2 months ago and since then she is much better. Once she was told the bare facts of what would happen, and this was with having a loving caring family, she seems to have copped on. So please talk to your Community Garda. They would rather talk to you now than when your daughter is in serious trouble, danger or worse.

Bally8

How are things now marzipan 1? I hope things have calmed down somewhat to let you get your head straight. I have been going through something similar with my daughter and had been thinking of starting a thread when I came across yours. I rang a social worker on Friday and am now waiting to hear back from the Duty Social Worker. The woman I spoke to was very good, I thought she would dismiss me or tell me they were too busy but she was very supportive and said that there were a range of measures to look at for help. We are thinking of going down the route of respite- sending her to a foster family for short term stays when things get too crazy for her to stay in our home. Our girl is much younger though 12.

Hope you are feeling strong and well.

LegacyUser

I was quite like your daughter. I would wonder why she hit your husband with a brick, there is clear anger there. I used to lash out at my mother because I felt she hadn't protected me from a close family member who sexually assaulted me (hindsight and therapy being good and all I can see it wasn't her fault now).

I'm not saying this has happened to your daughter, however, there IS a reason for her behaviour. She is not doing this for the craic. Your daughter is struggling with something, I suggest the two of you (just the two of you) sit down , make sure you won't be interrupted and she can speak freely and you tell her you love and support her no matter what but you need to know what is wrong. Be patient but do not leave until you find out what it is. It may not be a big thing it just may seem big to her, but be prepared to hear things that may be distressing for you. Explain how you feel to her, don't hold back (but don't row), don't treat her like a child she won't respond well if you do. Good luck.

Sleepy

OP, I feel for ya, you're going through my worst nightmare right now however what everyone's saying is right: you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks right now (and your husband needs to grow a pair and be a father instead of a whimpering little pussy).

Maybe show him this thread? Mightn't do any harm to make him angry at himself. It's not social services job to be a father to his child. It's his and it's a job he can't quit. It only ends when he, or she, dies. At present, which is more likely? Does he really want to outlive his daughter?

I'd go for complete and utter lockdown with privileges such as showers, favourite meals, DVD's etc. having to be earned back with good behaviour. She'll scream, hit, scratch, bite and try everything to escape and when (not if, no-one's perfect, ye will slip up) she does, you need to drag her back and start over. Why haven't you gone around to this friend's house to drag her home btw?

reeta

Sleepy wrote: »

OP, I feel for ya, you're going through my worst nightmare right now however what everyone's saying is right: you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks right now (and your husband needs to grow a pair and be a father instead of a whimpering little pussy).

Maybe show him this thread? Mightn't do any harm to make him angry at himself. It's not social services job to be a father to his child. It's his and it's a job he can't quit. It only ends when he, or she, dies. At present, which is more likely? Does he really want to outlive his daughter?

I'd go for complete and utter lockdown with privileges such as showers, favourite meals, DVD's etc. having to be earned back with good behaviour. She'll scream, hit, scratch, bite and try everything to escape and when (not if, no-one's perfect, ye will slip up) she does, you need to drag her back and start over. Why haven't you gone around to this friend's house to drag her home btw?

OP, please ignore this dangerouse advice and attack on your husband. A lock down will not sort out this problem, only make it worse. My now 16 year old daughter was a nightmare last year.. We brought her to the doctor who put her on the pill and the difference was unbelievable !! That and coming down on her i.e. rules, boundaries, made all the difference. Locking her in a room will not get to the cause of the problem only make it ten times worse !! Teenage girls are a species all of their own. You need to find out what is happening with her, because something is very wrong. Remain as calm as you can and dont despair you will get her back. As for the constant attacks on your husband, yes he should be helping you a lot more, but you having to read the above reply only makes it worse. By all means show him these messages !!!

Sleepy

reeta, her husband deserves to be called to task. He's failing in his duties as both a husband and a father.

How is the OP supposed to come down on her daughter with rules and boundaries when her daughter has no respect for the authority with which they're being laid down? She's trying this and failing already.

Likewise, how is she supposed to get through to her daughter to find out what her problems are when the child won't stay in the house? Ideally a lock-down shouldn't be necessary but ideally the OP and her parents wouldn't have lost so much of their control of the situation by now either.

reeta

Sleepy wrote: »

reeta, her husband deserves to be called to task. He's failing in his duties as both a husband and a father.

How is the OP supposed to come down on her daughter with rules and boundaries when her daughter has no respect for the authority with which they're being laid down? She's trying this and failing already.

Likewise, how is she supposed to get through to her daughter to find out what her problems are when the child won't stay in the house? Ideally a lock-down shouldn't be necessary but ideally the OP and her parents wouldn't have lost so much of their control of the situation by now either.

I agree her husband needs to be taken to task, but I just feel the last thing OP needs is a constant attack on her husband, which seems to be the case with the majority of replies. I'm going by my experience with my daughter, if I had of locked her up (and believe me I really wanted to) I would have got nowhere.. Instead I just kept trying to reason with her and telling her what she was doing to the family. When I noticed her extreme moods coincided with "the time of the month" I brought her to the doctor who put her on the pill, and the difference was amazing. Once she calmed down I was then really able to talk to her and found out how unhappy she was at school. When you are arguing with a teenage daughter it is like banging your head off a wall, that is why you need to stay patient but strong and not back down. Again I agree with your view about the husband, he is making it a lot worse but I feel so sorry for OP having to cope with her daughter and lack of support from her husband.

Babyblessed

OP,

I feel your pain.

I have almost the same problem only my daughter is nearly 18. Lock down hasnt worked for us, she just climbed out another window and over her young sibling. The Gardai are worse than useless; but their hands are tied. The just said 'domestic disturbance' and turned the other way. Social Services were even worse. I am despairing at the moment. My big concern is my 2 younger children who are being disturbed and distressed by my daughters obviously destructive behaviour. My older daughters are confused by her behaviour; yes they had the usual teenage issues but nothing like this. Interestingly my OH is taking a similar attitude to yours!
All this has been going on at its current intensity for nearly 7 weeks now and I have had enough. I have tried everything and exhausted all resources. Much as I love her, I dont like her current behaviour. Its not fair on my youngest as he simply doesnt understand.

I hope you find a resolution. Your daughter is young enough to get support from Social Services, unfortunately it seems that as my daughter is nearly 18 she falls outside the realms of any help and I feel SS are simply waiting for her to turn 18 and then she none of their business; in the mean time they want me to 'put up' with her behaviour.......... I cant do that anymore as she is endangering her siblings.

If you want to talk pm me!

Whynotme

Following on from my previous response....
When my bro had the problems with his daughter I went to mine and asked her what I could have done differently to stop things getting as bad as they did. I also had done the confiscations, withdrawal of priviledges, pocket money etc. Her response was.....absolutely nothing. In fact she told me that all the above had in fact made things worse cos she felt that I really wasn't seeing or hearing what was going on.

I think personally, looking back, if I had stepped back, timed the swings, (moods), behaviour, who she was mixing with and avoiding, we would have sorted things much quicker. But hindsight is a wonderful thing, so maybe take some of the advice given, adapt to your own case, and you will get to the real answer sooner rather than later.

It is a sad and lonely process to go through on your own, so make dad take his proper role. Even if that means you have to go away with the other children for a few days and leave him to deal with your child.