Mother keeping me from son

alcomoholic

well,

im 23, young fella is two years of age and honestly feel at my wits end at this stage.

we had broken up a few months before she got pregnant, were still sleeping together. we broke up because of my drinking but after my son was born it got seriously out of control, a few drinks to celebrate and wet the babys head ended up turning into a ten day bender, you get the idea. however it came to a head when i was minding him one afternoon and i had had a few tins and i ended up passing out. he choked on a piece of lego and only that my mother was visiting the house at the time the poor crater would be six feet under atm. tbh that was the stray that broke the camels back. i went to rehab and got clean last year but she wouldnt hear a word of it. im able to control my drinking now and dont drink anywehre near as much as i used to. the problem is my ex wont let me see him at all. ive only seen him once in the last 18 months. even at xmas i called over to drop off a few presents and she wudnt open the door to me. ive no money to fight her in court or to even hire a solicitor. have any of ye any advice how i could persuade her to let me start spending time with him again. ive got my saucing under control and even completed my degree recently so its not like im a downbeat smackhead or anything. i just want to see my son and spend time with him and learn to be a good parent. any advice?
thanks

Toots

Could you check your local citizens advice centre and see could you get some info there? TBH, I can see why she'd be slow to let you see your son after he nearly died in your care, but it might be in the child's best interest to have some sort of relationship with his father. Also, you say that you are still drinking, albeit not as much as you used to. You'd probably be better off if you gave up the 'sauce' altogether. I'd say if you get any sort of access it'll be supervised and for a short time only. From the sounds of it I reckon you'll have to go down the legal route though, your ex will only have your word to say you've changed and it probably won't be good enough for her.

January

You might be entitled to free legal aid, try www.flac.ie

To be honest though, I can see where she is coming from. You have to prove to her that you have been responsible, and still drinking is probably not proving anything to her.

Zulu

You mention you've your drinking "under control". I'm guessing this means you're still drinking.

I'd imagine if you give up the drink entirely, she might be more amenable.

metrovelvet

You nearly killed the child. It is only by pure fluke that child is not dead.

Getting your drinking under control is not the same as recovery. That tells me you are still drinking and haven't done rehab properly. ITs an addiction no different to heroine or any other drug. Stopping means Stopping!

See if you can get supervised access.

And I suggest you take a pediatric health and safety course. If I were this child's mother I'd want to see the certs from the class and from the rehab center, before I even entertained the notion.

RedXIV

Sorry OP, I'm with the rest here, Giving up the drink would be what I'd expect from someone coming from rehab, not "getting it under control"

the_syco

alcomoholic wrote: »

i had had a few tins and i ended up passing out. he choked on a piece of lego and only that my mother was visiting the house at the time the poor crater would be six feet under atm.

alcomoholic wrote: »

ive got my saucing under control

The crux of the matter is that you were drinking before, and the child almost died. You are still drinking, and yet expect to be allowed to see your son? I think you know that you'll have to give up the drink entirely if you want to see your son again.

Craven99

From this thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=73328149

where you quite happily recount your appalling drinking habits you have obvioulsy in no way, shape or form, your drinking under control. You have a very seriouls problem and I believe you should seek immediate professional assistance. No court in the land would grant a person with this sort of drinking problem access to a child.

Please seek help

metrovelvet

Not only that, but the choking incident happenned under supervised access, which I find double worrying.

dark crystal

Wow - from that thread it seems like you have a serious problem OP.

The problem with alcoholics is that the drink takes priority over everything else and until you decide to put your child over your desire to get pi**ed, your ex is absolutely right not to let you anywhere near your son.

You are missing out on so much - this is time you will never get back with him. You really need to properly sort yourself out and realise what is really important in life.

sparks24

alcomoholic wrote: »

well,

im 23, young fella is two years of age and honestly feel at my wits end at this stage.

we had broken up a few months before she got pregnant, were still sleeping together. we broke up because of my drinking but after my son was born it got seriously out of control, a few drinks to celebrate and wet the babys head ended up turning into a ten day bender, you get the idea. however it came to a head when i was minding him one afternoon and i had had a few tins and i ended up passing out. he choked on a piece of lego and only that my mother was visiting the house at the time the poor crater would be six feet under atm. tbh that was the stray that broke the camels back. i went to rehab and got clean last year but she wouldnt hear a word of it. im able to control my drinking now and dont drink anywehre near as much as i used to. the problem is my ex wont let me see him at all. ive only seen him once in the last 18 months. even at xmas i called over to drop off a few presents and she wudnt open the door to me. ive no money to fight her in court or to even hire a solicitor. have any of ye any advice how i could persuade her to let me start spending time with him again. ive got my saucing under control and even completed my degree recently so its not like im a downbeat smackhead or anything. i just want to see my son and spend time with him and learn to be a good parent. any advice?
thanks

Craven99 wrote: »

From this thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=73328149

where you quite happily recount your appalling drinking habits you have obvioulsy in no way, shape or form, your drinking under control. You have a very seriouls problem and I believe you should seek immediate professional assistance. No court in the land would grant a person with this sort of drinking problem access to a child.

Please seek help

op this is a bit of a joke to be fair you seriously have to get your act together

crazygeryy

Op I wouldnt give u a dog to look after never mind a child.give up the drink u might have some chance.

mikemac

I was reading your post and figured you'd given up drink but it seems you are still drinking

wet the babies head, sauce, saucing, bender

Yeah these are terms we all know but even with rehab I wonder how seriously you take your drinking. You are young but you still sound like a teenager.

In time you'll regain the trust but you'll have to work for it. It's five months until Christmas and I think that's a good achievable target for now.

sparks24

alcomoholic wrote: »

i'm very sorry links.
when i transitioned i went through a similar disagreement with my parents.
for months after i told them they were horrible to me. i was literally like i was the spawn of satan.
in the end i had to move out.
that was three years ago and i havent spoken to any of my relatives in that time.
and it was the hardest thing thats ever happened me. losing my family through their prejudice and hatred.
but you know what, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, take your head out of the gutter, and wipe those tears form your eyes.
things like this in life dont break you, they make you.
you will get stronger, you will move past this and you will make a life for yourself with or without your family in it.
i've gone back to college, completed my transition and now have a man ive been dating for 5 months who loves me for exactly who i am.

it gets better hun, there's a whole world out there, and the opinions of two people aint gonna a bit of difference to you or to the rest of the world. take life by the scruff of the neck and start living it, cause gurl, you only get one shot.

hugs, PM me if you want
x x x x x

did the stress coming out as gay cause your drinking? this maybe the issue you have to tackle with your family to help with the drinking

metrovelvet

mikemac wrote: »

I was reading your post and figured you'd given up drink but it seems you are still drinking

wet the babies head, sauce, saucing, bender

Yeah these are terms we all know but even with rehab I wonder how seriously you take your drinking.
In time you'll regain the trust but you'll have to work for it. It's five months until Christmas and I think that's a good achievable target for now

This woman and child might actually end up saving your life.

Lola92

OP, I have to say I agree with the above posters.

The fact of the matter is your child almost died while IN YOUR CARE. Clearly any trust your ex had in you is long gone. If you want to earn back the right to see your son then you need to show some serious responsibility.

The kind of drinking described in the post linke by Craven is far from being under control. You need to clean up your act and that means no drinking. A return to rehab and possibly joining an AA group would be steps in the right direction.

I would do a child safety and first aid course, as suggested by metrovelvet above, and also a general parenting course.

If you are not already paying child support then I would arrange to do so ASAP.

If you are serious about being a real father to his kid then you would take the steps suggested by myself and other posters.

If you have been sober at least 3 months and your ex still will not allow supervised access then at least you will have a bit of a leg to stand on in court.

AG2R

If you want to see your child, give up the drink.

January

sparks24 wrote: »

did the stress coming out as gay cause your drinking? this maybe the issue you have to tackle with your family to help with the drinking

*Mod Note*

Please do not drag the authors posting history into this forum. He's asking for advice on how to get access to his son, it has nothing to do with him being gay.

The Rook

It's worrying that you come on to this forum and say you've got your drinking under control and you're at your wits end because you can't see your son, yet at the same time you're on the other Beer Guts and Receding Hairline forum saying things like "probably about 10 glasses of the captain/vodka/jacky with mixer depending on whats taking my fancy."
and then you say "**** me you gotta love being 23 and nothing in the world in front of you but shagging and boozing"

It all just makes me think that you're in complete denial of your problem ...... you need to check in to rehab again, quit drinking completely (not just curtail your activities) and prove that you can be a good dad under controlled circumstances before you get access to your son.

Craven99

Hi January,

Please feel free to delete this post if you need to within your MOD role. I did check the posters history as the writing came across as almost looking for a reaction. Now I am not accusing the OP as a troll. But in reading through his post history I do see several big inconsistencies. If anyone wants to check themselves they will see what I am talking about. There are posts which directly contradict each other in relation to their personal history.

If it is not trolling what I believe may be the issue here is that the OP has a genuine drinking problem. They may be looking for sympathy, or some advise or just to connect with someone but I believe the best advise (as echoed here) is to seek professional help.

bastados

Better to keep on drinking till you're utterly alone in 10-15 years time with serious health issues and massive depression...she made the only decision she could.

sparks24

Craven99 wrote: »

Hi January,

Please feel free to delete this post if you need to within your MOD role. I did check the posters history as the writing came across as almost looking for a reaction. Now I am not accusing the OP as a troll. But in reading through his post history I do see several big inconsistencies. If anyone wants to check themselves they will see what I am talking about. There are posts which directly contradict each other in relation to their personal history.

If it is not trolling what I believe may be the issue here is that the OP has a genuine drinking problem. They may be looking for sympathy, or some advise or just to connect with someone but I believe the best advise (as echoed here) is to seek professional help.

completely agree

and i wasn't on about him being gay i was on about he's relationship with he's family that might be leading to he's drinking and the root cause of the problems with not seeing he's kid if he even has one, he is a troll read he's history

nesf

sparks24 wrote: »

completely agree

and i wasn't on about him being gay i was on about he's relationship with he's family that might be leading to he's drinking and the root cause of the problems with not seeing he's kid if he even has one, he is a troll read he's history

Report posts, don't just accuse people of being a troll on-thread.

Dublin_Gunner

OP, don't even bother attempting to go to a solicitor, free legal advice, court or anything until you have your own issues with alcoholism under control.

There is no point.

Not only will there [with any bit of luck] not be a hope in hell you'll get any sort of access on your own, but you're a danger to your son and to yourself.

If you really do feel that you want to do right by your son, and start seeing him again, give up the gargle, and sort yourself out.

Only then can you truly start to be a father.

You shouldn't come first anymore, the sooner you learn that, the better.

Do it for your son, if for noone else. And if you can't do that, well then in all honesty you don't deserve to have him in your life.

CrazyRabbit

With your current level of 'controlled' drinking, I wouldn't even let you look after a 15 year old, never mind a 2 year old toddler.

Seriously...you need to stop drinking completely. And then as suggested above, complete a child safety and first aid course.

If you are serious about being a part of your son's life, then this is something you should be willing to do. Parenting is hard work, and there is a lot of self-sacrifices to be made.

If you can't stop drinking then you'll never be a good parent and your son is better off without you. Sorry, I know that sounds cruel, but it's the truth.

crazygeryy

Post deleted

*mod note*

Please do not taunt other posters on this forum.If you do it again it will result in an infringement.

Moonbeam

Whynotme

Why would you want to get involved in your child's life when it looks like you are on a crash course to get 6ft under? :rolleyes: Like others have advised, give up the drink, do the necessary to show that you are capable of looking after yourself first before you even think of looking to have your child with you.

tinkerbell

I wouldn't let you in charge of a goldfish nevermind a child.

I just saw your other thread that the others linked to where you mention that you drink 6 cans of Bulmers Mon-Thurs and then go on the total lash Fri & Sat night. How can you say in this thread that your drinking is under control so she should allow you access? Unless you have miraculously quit drinking since your post 2 days ago, then there is no way this is possible.

Now I don't like referring to poster's history but I think in this case it is required since you say you've got your drinking under control here so she should let you have access, yet in another thread you're talking about your wild booze binges.

And it's better for your child for you not to be involved because that amount of drink = alcoholism. Oh and not to mention that you already let your child almost die in your care. There is no way in hell the child's mother is ever going to trust you with her beloved child. Maybe if you did a major stint in rehab and actually acted responsible and gave up the drink and if you prove yourself, then in the future she might let you have access, but if she's even got one brain cell, she's not gonna let you within 10 feet of her child right now.

mrsbyrne

If you have any fatherly feelings for this child, and/or any respect for his mother, youll just leave them be till you can present yourself, clean and sober, with honesty and humility. If you look for access, the childs mother will object ferociously, and I dont blame her. You lost your automatic right to be a part of this childs life when you nearly killed him through neglect. Now you will have to work like a madman to prove you have changed. If you genuinely want to be in his life, you will get the help and advice you need. www.treoir.ie is a good place to start. If it is just a fleeting fancy on your behalf, or selfish bitter feelings of resentment towards the childs mother, you will just give up.