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Do I have a right to grieve?

  • 22-07-2011 1:22am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My dad died when I was two years old. I don't remember him. My mother had a house full of small kids and when asked, all she ever said was your dad was a lovely man. I think she was grieving and couldn't handle the questions.
    I've met his family a few times over the years and they invited me to ask anything I wanted to know, but I was too afraid of crying to ask anything.
    Now I'm in my thirties and a friend has suggested that I should pursue this missing piece. Can a child as young as I was be affected by the loss? How can I grieve for someone I didn't know?


Comments

  • #2
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    You are probably grieving because you didnt get the opportunity to know him,and thats ok.
    :)


  • #3
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,159 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    lookingfortheanswers wrote: »
    [....] How can I grieve for someone I didn't know?

    Well, if you are, you are. Whether it "makes sense" or not, that's how it is. You don't need to have known him to feel a hole in your life.

    I'm no expert but I would say that it's always better to know. You probably need to find out about him to get a sense of closure.

    Good luck in your quest.


    EDIT: You said you're afraid of crying. I would be worried if you didn't at some point. You should cry if you need to, and lean on your family for support.


  • #4
    kingelmo
    Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭kingelmo


    Hi OP

    My dad tragically died when i was two also. My mother was left with 5 small kids to mind which looking back must have been terrible and i dont know how she coped.

    Your lucky in a way that they are willing to answer your questions, my family seem to bottle up everything that happened and wont let me in on what kind of man he was, and honestly i feel it everyday. I miss not having a dad, i want to be "daddy's little girl", i really want to picture his face, hold his hand etc.

    You certinaly have a right to grieve, at the end of the day he's your dad, i think its the not knowing that makes it worse. I would truely love if someone would sit down with me and talk to me about him and yes its going to be hard and there will be tears shed but you will hopefully find that comfort your looking for.

    I have only one picture of my dad, and its when i was just born in his arms and thats it, there are no more. I cant even picture his face, i go to bed at night hoping to dream of him but it doesnt happen.

    Sorry OP for my rant but i think you should ask the questions, i think it will be better for you. and remember your not alone :)


  • #5
    BostonB
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,056 ✭✭✭✭BostonB


    Otis Driftwood wrote: »
    You are probably grieving because you didnt get the opportunity to know him,and thats ok.
    :)

    +1,

    I'd be surprised if you remembered much from being 2. But its all the years between that you missed him. I certainly waste no time in talking to his family about him. You get to know him that way. Which I expect would help.


  • #6
    ZENER
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,163 ✭✭✭ZENER


    My dad died when I was about 3, I have no recollection of him at all but it never stops me wondering what he was like and how I would have gotten on with him. Would he have been proud of me, been a mentor, gone out with me for a pint once a week. More importantly, how would he have viewed my parenting of my own kids. Would he have shared my respect for him. Would he have still been with my mother today if he were alive.

    These are probably strange questions to those who are lucky enough to have experienced their folks till at least their formative years. To those who have kids and lost a parent at a young age you may well wonder "If I experienced how they dealt with me at this age would I be better able to deal with my own kids in a given situation" We draw from our experiences as sons or daughters when we try to deal with out own children. How did my man/dad deal with me when I did this or that. Truth is you try to think of how you would have liked them to deal with it and follow that path. When you lose that link you need to adapt and try to draw on others experience.

    It's not easy regardless of how much you remember of your dad, even if you knew him till you were 20 something !! But the fact that you still think of him must mean you have some respect for him and his ideals and love for you.

    Try to find out as much about the man as you can and craw strength from the positive memories of his brothers and sisters and your mam in dealing with what life throws at you. He may not be here now but his short presence in this life has left a legacy for you to inherit and embrace.

    I hope all goes well for you :)

    Ken


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