Baby's Dad doesnt seem to care :(

Manda21

im 16 weeks and im feeling really down and alone... me and the babys dad were only seeing each other a month when i got pregnant it was such a shock 4 both of us... he wanted me to get an abortion at 1st but when he realised i was totaly against it he came round and said he couldnt let me go through with it. he said he would be there for the baby and i would not be alone but yet he says he doesnt want a relationship... he is 27 and im 21. we are both young and neither of us are ready for this. he txts me maybe twice a week asking how we are yet when i suggest we meet up he always has an excuse... he doesnt come to any doc appointments or scans. my parents want me to forget about him and have nothing to do with him as they are a great support to me and baby but they dont understand i care so much for him and he is the father of my unborn child and i believe every child should have their father in their life. iv told him how i feel about him but he never shows any affection towards me and its really affecting me. maybe when the baby is born he will show some support but if he isnt showing it now im afraid he may not show it then... any advice wether i should show him the road or give him a chance.

MagicMarker

You need to forget about having a relationship with this man other than as a mother and father, he's already made it clear he doesn't want to be romantically involved with you.

If he didn't care then he wouldn't be contacting you a couple of times a week to see if everything's okay, he should be making an effort with scans and stuff but tbh I can see why he'd be reluctant when you feel the way you do.

Cat Melodeon

I replied to you on the other thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=73544925&postcount=560

mud

Manda21 wrote: »

im 16 weeks and im feeling really down and alone... me and the babys dad were only seeing each other a month when i got pregnant it was such a shock 4 both of us... he wanted me to get an abortion at 1st but when he realised i was totaly against it he came round and said he couldnt let me go through with it. he said he would be there for the baby and i would not be alone but yet he says he doesnt want a relationship... he is 27 and im 21. we are both young and neither of us are ready for this. he txts me maybe twice a week asking how we are yet when i suggest we meet up he always has an excuse... he doesnt come to any doc appointments or scans. my parents want me to forget about him and have nothing to do with him as they are a great support to me and baby but they dont understand i care so much for him and he is the father of my unborn child and i believe every child should have their father in their life. iv told him how i feel about him but he never shows any affection towards me and its really affecting me. maybe when the baby is born he will show some support but if he isnt showing it now im afraid he may not show it then... any advice wether i should show him the road or give him a chance.

I know you are feeling overwhelmed right now and everything seems huge and urgent but you need to stop and take stock of what is happening right now and not worry about the future.

He has made it fairly clear that he isn't ready to be a full partner to you but he is willing to be a prospective father. I think you need to accept that and move forward with things straight in your head.

Are you sure about moving home? It may seem attractive now but you are thinking in terms of how things used to be when you lived there before, this time you will be pregnant and a few months down the line will be bringing a new person into the equation. Are you sure your parents are ready to let you be a mother? Or will they be expecting a big say in how the child is reared?

I know a situation where the girl came home to have her baby and ended up with what was more a baby brother rather than her son as her parents took over as soon as he was born.

Not saying at all that this would happen in your situation, just think long and hard before giving up your independence.

All the best, the very best and hope things work out for you and your little one x.

Frank Black

girlygirl1989 wrote: »

Hi Manda21,

I am really sorry about what is happening with your baby's father I'm sure the pregnancy came as quite a shock, but I am glad you decided to keep the baby as you will be glad in the long run when you have a little baby to hold and hug, there precious.

I know you say you's are young but having a baby can make you grow up pretty quick, you have taken the responsibility on of this child but it seems that he is avoiding growing up and taking responsibility for this baby.

Huni, if he isn't showing affection now I doubt he will, he seems childish and selfish, there are men out there that would give anything to be a father and him showing no interest in your pregnancy is downright wrong. You need someone who will be there for you listen to your concerns and hold your hand every step of the way.

He doesn't seem like he wants to grow up, give him perhaps one more chance to become involved and if he doesn't show him the road you dont need anyone in your life that will mess you up. It is important though that if he is not in your life that he will be in your child's life, which you have pointed out.

Wish you all the luck xxx

Mybe you should lay-off the man-bashing. Why is he childish and selfish? He made it clear at the time the OP became pregnant that he would prefer the OP terminated the pregnancy and that he was not interested in a romantic relationship with the OP.
OP made a decision that she wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy (as is her right), and now this guy will most likely be legally responsible for paying maintenance for the child. Pretty unfair if you ask me (and most other men).
Regarding the OP’s original question as to whether to ‘show him the road’, by which I presume you mean whether to cut off all contact with the father. I think you need to wait and see what happens after the baby is born. He will most likely want some involvement with his own child and you will most likely need as much support as you can get. If you can disentangle any romantic feelings you still have for him from the fact that he is the child’s father and come to an arrangement with him once the baby is born so much the better. There are plenty of people in a similar situation to you and many of them are able to make it work. Shutting the door on any involvement he may want with his child would be a very bad idea IMO.

KnocKnocKnock

girlygirl1989 wrote: »

you have taken the responsibility on of this child but it seems that he is avoiding growing up and taking responsibility for this baby.


Huni, if he isn't showing affection now I doubt he will, he seems childish and selfish, there are men out there that would give anything to be a father and him showing no interest in your pregnancy is downright wrong. You need someone who will be there for you listen to your concerns and hold your hand every step of the way.

He doesn't seem like he wants to grow up, give him perhaps one more chance to become involved and if he doesn't show him the road you dont need anyone in your life that will mess you up.

How is he being childish and selfish? If you read the post again you'll see that they were only together a month when they got pregnant and it certainly wasn't planned. The man said he would be there for the child but doesn't want a relationship with her. That's fair enough. He has no responsibility towards her, only towards the child and he shouldn't have to stay with her just because she got pregnant. How is he not showing any interest in her pregnancy? He asks her how things are going a couple of times a week which shows her it's on his mind and he's interested.

Unless her concerns are to do with the welfare of the baby, I don't think he should have to listen to them or support her through them. She should go to people who love her for that, like her family or friends.

Although it's tough if you have feelings for someone, why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? If someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you why would you continue to expect affection from them? In fact, I think this atmosphere of the mother pining after the father and being rejected will damage the child much more than if the parents just had a friendly and balanced relationship. I think it's a bad example to set. The only thing he should do is make more effort to go to the scans despite how awkward it would be or what the OP might do/say.

girlygirl1989 wrote: »

It is important though that if he is not in your life that he will be in your child's life, which you have pointed out.

He's already said he wants to be in the child's life and texts her a couple of times a week asking how they are doing. The OP just has to separate the concepts of "boyfriend" and "dad" when it comes to this man.

girlygirl1989

Sorry if I cam across the wrong way , I meant he is being childish in the fact he has stated he wants to be there for the child, but yet is not showing up for scans or doctors appointments

Yes she should forget about having any relationship with him as he clearly does not want that, but he should ,make the effort in going to scans despite the awkwardness of the situation.

MagicMarker

I don't think going to scans or appointments has anything to do with ''being there for the child''. The child doesn't care who's there. The most important thing is he's there for the child once it's born.

qwertytlk

Unfortunately it doesn't see,s as tho this guy wants a relationship with u an to be honest if that's the way he feels u are better off being alone than being in a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be there, trust me.. It wouldn't work and u would both be miserable. Alot of men aren't great during pregnancy as its different for them than it s us as we are the ones carrying the baby and feeling them kick and move and grow , whereas they dont. But once the baby comes and he meets his son or daughter he will probably feel alot different. As for u, when u meet ur beautiful baby and hold it in your arms for the first time, and have it look into your eyes, all the things you have been worrying about will just melt away and not seem so important anymore. And when you are busy looking after your baby he won't seem so much o a distraction anymore because you and your baby will be most important. Im not saying the dad uisnt important as they are so even though this is hard now, the most important thing you can do right now is look after yourself and your baby and try and enjoy your pregnancy regardless of his involvement. Good luck with everything.

LegacyUser

I am in a similar position, in that my babys daddy is not on the scene (has vanished into thin air) but I was in a relationship for a good bit more than a month, I am older than u and my parents are no help.

My advice as a most likely single mam to be - take your parents offer of help, be it temporary or permanent - its all very well for those with an 'OH' or 'hubbie' to offer advice but ye have someone to help you out after a long day by yourself, give you a break to go for a walk, have a bath or just get some sleep.

Initially you will need all the help you can get, you are young, resilient and will bounce back from this guy - give him an opportunity to be there but only if his support is financial as well. If it works out that he's not there, don't worry, your baby will have a father figure, a father (or mother) is a biological fact but the love, compassion, guidance and grounding may come from a non biological source - I am living proof of that - my 2nd mother is the best! I will not make the same mistakes my mother made!

A father's love is irreplaceable but his rejection is damaging to the core - you only compound that if you let this guy have the effect he is having on you.

All the best.