What is your reason for getting married?

emmabrighton

I don't think this is appropriate question for the relationships forum because, well, its a quandry more so than a real relationship issue... but then, maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, a friend asked me the other day why I was getting married... my response was because I am in love with my OH and want to be in a committed relationship and share this with family and friends...

But thinking back, that seems a bit shallow. I can love someone without marrying them, after 8 years its obvious that were committed and isn't it a tad bit insecure that you have to share your union with your family and friends... I mean, you never have in the past...

So, because these aren't good enough answers, I want to know what the right answer is

Cheers

emmabrighton

emmabrighton wrote: »

I don't think this is appropriate question for the relationships forum because, well, its a quandry more so than a real relationship issue... but then, maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, a friend asked me the other day why I was getting married... my response was because I am in love with my OH and want to be in a committed relationship and share this with family and friends...

But thinking back, that seems a bit shallow. I can love someone without marrying them, after 8 years its obvious that were committed and isn't it a tad bit insecure that you have to share your union with your family and friends... I mean, you never have in the past...

So, because these aren't good enough answers, I want to know what the right answer is

Cheers

"because we want to"

mathie

For the presents?

Dyr

Won't somebody please think of the Mammies?

biko

To jinx a wonderful relationship.

L'prof

You're getting married because society says it's a natural progression and you desire social acceptance of your relationship, moreso from your elders rather than your peers.

FatherLen

i am not married....

Tax breaks.

mcdoogle

Tax purposes....

CardBordWindow

So I can stay in the country!

Frank Black

So you can claim a portion of your partners tax credits if one of ye isn't working obviously.

YouTookMyName

Pregnancy?

pebbles21

Her father threatened to stop sending the cheques!

py2006

Heteronormativity

mcdoogle

Deleted User wrote: »

Tax breaks.

If only I'd been logged in already I'd have been the smug one and not looking like a tool!

py2006

who said romance was dead?

watna

because I love him - I want to stand up in front of our friends and family and vow to love and look after each other. Also, we liked that there is a day to celebrate your relationship, there's so much badness in the world, weddings are happy, joyous occasions and I like that you get to share the day with your friends and family. I understand that not everyone feels that way though and I get why.

On a more practical note, I'm in NZ on a partnership visa, we're classed as de facto and we don't need to be married for me to be allowed to live and work in NZ. It's not so easy to get that in Ireland (although they have recently introduced a de facto visa). So if we want to come back and live in Ireland it'll be easier if we're married. I'm also a US citizen so again, it makes it easier for him to live and work in the US with me, if we want. That's not why we're doing it but it is a factor.

Angeles

I'd do it for the legal obligations and security. It wouldn't change a thing about the relationship or love i have for my partner, it would just provide the knowledge of knowing should something happen to me, all my possessions would go directly to my wife without complication and as the current system in play, marriage is the best way to do that.

FloatingVoter

...because you're hoping her daddy won't pull the trigger on the shotgun.

orourkeda

Marriage is for suckers

Happyzebra

I agree with Angeles. it gives your partner and you more legals rights over each other and your possessions. Romantics may say that's shallow but I think allowing someone to have the right to determine 'turn off the life support it's what she would have wanted' if you were after a serious accident for example is a profound statement of trust and commitment. My example is a tad dramic I know but all I can think of at the mo!

emmabrighton

Happyzebra wrote: »

allowing someone to have the right to determine 'turn off the life support it's what she would have wanted'

Awwwwww! that ones made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

Tho, that and the tax breaks seem like the most sensible reasons IMO

wild_cat

Happyzebra wrote: »

I agree with Angeles. it gives your partner and you more legals rights over each other and your possessions. Romantics may say that's shallow but I think allowing someone to have the right to determine 'turn off the life support it's what she would have wanted' if you were after a serious accident for example is a profound statement of trust and commitment. My example is a tad dramic I know but all I can think of at the mo!

Yeah I don't think a lot of people are aware of that.

borderlinemeath

The legality of everything is the main reason for me.

I'm with my OH over 10 years, and everything we do is shared, ie we're personal and business partners. At the moment we have a lot of our dealings tied up with solicitors in deeds of trust but even our solicitor says we should get married for our own sake. There's a coldness about it but if one of us dies suddenly there would be a lot of red tape.

I'm not the type of person who wants to stand up in front of everybody I know and tell them how much I love my OH, as long as we both know then it doesn't really matter. So much so we were thinking of going abroad with immediate family of about 10 people and just getting it "over and done with".

Caraville

I don't get why there's so much negativity towards marriage. It's probably a bigger (or at least as much of a) commitment to buy a house with someone but people don't seem to bad mouth that.

I know you don't need it to tell someone how much you love them, but I would (for legal reasons, as well as other reasons) want the person I love most to be my family officially. Even if we were never to have kids, I would want to have a husband rather than a "partner" (plus I hate that word and there's only so long you can call someone your boyfriend)

I totally understand why people give out about the cost of weddings or not wanting the traditional church wedding or hating the idea of a big wedding not knowing half the people there- but there's nothing stopping 2 people just going away and getting hitched without the big fuss. But yeah, I really don't know why marriage is looked down upon by so many.

Guill

We were going out 10 years, had a baby and a mortgage already.
We got married for us and also to throw a party for our family and friends who helped us along the way.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

we were thinking of going abroad with immediate family of about 10 people and just getting it "over and done with".

Can I just ask (personal reasons for asking this, no worries if you don't want to say)- why abroad? Is it a case of just wanting to go somewhere nice and making a holiday of it?

I sometimes feel in Ireland if people want to have a small wedding, there's almost this feeling of "we have to go abroad to avoid Aunty Mary getting offended or feeling like we've to invite all the neighbours".

I dunno, maybe I'm particularly patriotic but I just think there are so many beautiful places in Ireland, it's a shame for people to feel that abroad is their only option for a small wedding. (Not saying that's the situation with you, but I have heard these reasons from other people).

emmabrighton

Caraville wrote: »

I would (for legal reasons, as well as other reasons) want the person I love most to be my family officially.

That one makes the most sense to me, you are already close but you want to be closer and i hate the term partner too. Thats my reason from now on.

Thanks!

Craven99

Myself and my partner had never any thoughts to get married. Never saw the point in it one way or the other for us. In the end when we had our first child and I started to look into the leagal side of things I found as a fathr I would have been in a very precarious position in relation to guardianship if anything had happened to my partner. Also the solicitor we went to said to us that she would never advise anyone to get married for tax reasons but......
And since we had no objection to it and really didn't think it made any difference to our relationsship we decided to get married. €13 or so at the registery office I feel was money well spent!
We still don't celebrate the anniversary of that (we are 6 years married now I think but 20 years together) we celebrate the day we met instead as we always did.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

Can I just ask (personal reasons for asking this, no worries if you don't want to say)- why abroad? Is it a case of just wanting to go somewhere nice and making a holiday of it?

I sometimes feel in Ireland if people want to have a small wedding, there's almost this feeling of "we have to go abroad to avoid Aunty Mary getting offended or feeling like we've to invite all the neighbours".

I dunno, maybe I'm particularly patriotic but I just think there are so many beautiful places in Ireland, it's a shame for people to feel that abroad is their only option for a small wedding. (Not saying that's the situation with you, but I have heard these reasons from other people).

Absolutely so as not to offend extended family on both sides. We both have a lot of extended relatives and friends that would expect an invite if we got married at home. If we snuck away and literally had parents/siblings then that would be more than enough.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

Absolutely so as not to offend extended family on both sides. We both have a lot of extended relatives and friends that would expect an invite if we got married at home. If we snuck away and literally had parents/siblings then that would be more than enough.

But would they not be offended anyway that ye went away and didn't have the big wedding at home? I just think that it's sad that people have to feel almost chased out of the country to avoid offending people- f**k the begrudgers I say, and do what ye want to do!

Now having said that, I was at one wedding abroad in Italy and it was fabulous, really remote, food was gorgeous. The older I get, the more the idea of a smaller wedding appeals to me- but I just wouldn't go abroad myself personally.

stovelid

It doesn't have to be justifiable to others.

Caraville

stovelid wrote: »

It doesn't have to be justifiable to others.

+1

Absolutely. If you want the big traditional wedding, go for it. But if you just want to be married, no big fuss, just to actually be married- do that. I honestly don't understand people who invite 300+ to their weddings, for example, but if that's your idea of the perfect wedding, go for it, who cares what I think.

(Now having said that, I do think if you're inviting people that obviously it's important they enjoy the day because weddings are expensive for the guests as well as the couple.)

smallerthanyou

I'm not getting married, but if I was it would probably be for money..

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

But would they not be offended anyway that ye went away and didn't have the big wedding at home? I just think that it's sad that people have to feel almost chased out of the country to avoid offending people- f**k the begrudgers I say, and do what ye want to do!

Now having said that, I was at one wedding abroad in Italy and it was fabulous, really remote, food was gorgeous. The older I get, the more the idea of a smaller wedding appeals to me- but I just wouldn't go abroad myself personally.

I've been at a few weddings abroad as well and they don't necessarily follow the same protocol of church/hotel/bar/drunken relatives embarrassingly dancing, it's far more relaxed and there's less stress all round.

I've been at too many weddings in Ireland that have been just awful.

At one of them 2 guests got into a fistfight before the meal. At the same wedding there was a rugby "scrum" that fell onto a table and one of the guests needed glass removing from their back.

One (family member) who married into a fairly posh family that literally looked down their noses at our family. And we wouldn't be "howayas" at all, just regular. Put it this way, the wedding was in "the Berkeley Court" because only the best would do.

A friend of mine got married and nearly had a nervous breakdown due to her bridesmaids (sisters) rowing constantly in the run up to the wedding. It rained on the day as well and she had an open top car so she got soaked. Some of the guests including my OH got food poisoning from the smoked salmon that was served.

One of my OHs cousins got married and there was a family row over an unsuitable girlfriend that the brides brother brought as a guest. Cue mother of the bride in tears for most of the day.

Another one of my OHs family members is gay and came out just before another family wedding. He brought his partner to the wedding but they had a big fight over "inappropriate flirting" and his partner beat the crap out of him. Police were called to the hotel and he was taken away in cuffs. They broke up.

And finally, we were at a friends wedding not long after we met (11 odd years ago) and my OHs friend was mistaken as Trevor Deely by a hotel guest. (Trevor Deely missing person back in 2000, never found). The police were called to the wedding, much to the embarassment of our friend and the bride & groom and their parents.

I have been to a few ok weddings in Ireland but to be honest the bad ones outway the good ones. And my OH has far too many in his extended family that would take issue with not being invited if it were local. If it was abroad they wouldn't mind so much as most would be (hopefully) unwilling to travel to it.

saa

Not a good sign if you're really struggling with this one...

Dravokivich

For the road frontage.

Dudess

emmabrighton wrote: »

because these aren't good enough answers, I want to know what the right answer is

emmabrighton wrote: »

That one makes the most sense to me, you are already close but you want to be closer and i hate the term partner too. Thats my reason from now on.

Why do you need approval from others? Shouldn't the "right" answer be decided only by you?

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

And finally, we were at a friends wedding not long after we met (11 odd years ago) and my OHs friend was mistaken as Trevor Deely by a hotel guest. (Trevor Deely missing person back in 2000, never found). The police were called to the wedding, much to the embarassment of our friend and the bride & groom and their parents.

I know I shouldn't have laughed at that but it just sounds so ridiculous! In fairness that's a fairly unusual occurrence at a wedding! The poor families involved- and the fella who was mistaken for the missing person must have been mortified!!

I have been to a few ok weddings in Ireland but to be honest the bad ones outway the good ones. And my OH has far too many in his extended family that would take issue with not being invited if it were local. If it was abroad they wouldn't mind so much as most would be (hopefully) unwilling to travel to it

.

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

Why stay in Ireland though? I'd go abroad, if I was getting married, except my boyfriend's mother won't fly :rolleyes:

Caraville

Malari wrote: »

Why stay in Ireland though? I'd go abroad, if I was getting married, except my boyfriend's mother won't fly :rolleyes:

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

I suppose another reason would be the fact that Irish weddings have such a "drink culture" about them. Myself and the OH barely drink, but our families would be typical Irish, love a few pints/vodkas/wine what have you.

At every wedding it's all about the drink and whether it's a free bar or not. The last wedding we were at it was an open bar which was drunk dry and the caterers had to go and get more alcohol for the guests. I had about 3 glasses of wine all day and that did me just fine.

At the weddings I've been to abroad, (2 in Italy, 1 in Cyprus) it was much more centred on the food, (particularly Italy) the entertainment, then necking every bottle of wine that was left on the table.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

I suppose another reason would be the fact that Irish weddings have such a "drink culture" about them. Myself and the OH barely drink, but our families would be typical Irish, love a few pints/vodkas/wine what have you.

At every wedding it's all about the drink and whether it's a free bar or not. The last wedding we were at it was an open bar which was drunk dry and the caterers had to go and get more alcohol for the guests. I had about 3 glasses of wine all day and that did me just fine.

At the weddings I've been to abroad, (2 in Italy, 1 in Cyprus) it was much more centred on the food, (particularly Italy) the entertainment, then necking every bottle of wine that was left on the table.

I agree totally, Irish weddings and drinking seem to go hand in hand. I think an open bar, while extremely generous, is just asking for trouble. I know people should have the cop on not to take advantage, but unfortunately, people don't.

I still don't see why though 2 people can't go and get married in somewhere small in Ireland and just go to a nice restaurant for dinner and leave it at that. If your guests want to stay out on the piss then fine, but you've done your bit at that stage.

Dyr

watna wrote: »

I like that you get to share the day with your friends and family. I understand that not everyone feels that way though and I get why.

How is it sharing if I'm paying but youse are getting all the presents? :mad:

emmabrighton

Dudess wrote: »

Why do you need approval from others? Shouldn't the "right" answer be decided only by you?

Jaysus I don't, I just think too much about my own comments and in my own head they sound... i dunno, contrived. If I had a tangible reason for why we are getting married, then I would bottle it and sell it and become a billionaire. :eek:

I just dont konw how to articulate my reason and was wondering if anyone else could... I think the "family comment" is the closest to the way i feel.

That is all :cool:

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

Yeah, it would be scenery and good food and lovely locations AND weather I'd be looking for

If we ever did it, we'd have to have his parents there, so I think it would be a marriage in Ireland and a wedding abroad, which would be very easy to organise. Essentially just a fantastic meal in a good restaurant in a warm, scenic place. I can't think of any more than a dozen people I'd like to be there. If they can't make it, no bother. We'll just go on honeymoon instead.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

I agree totally, Irish weddings and drinking seem to go hand in hand. I think an open bar, while extremely generous, is just asking for trouble. I know people should have the cop on not to take advantage, but unfortunately, people don't.

I still don't see why though 2 people can't go and get married in somewhere small in Ireland and just go to a nice restaurant for dinner and leave it at that. If your guests want to stay out on the piss then fine, but you've done your bit at that stage.

I'm sure 2 different people could, but it's just not for us.

There are elements of both sides of the family that would be hugely put out by not being invited. It's one thing pissing off friends, but family are different. I know for a fact that if we extended invitations to all my OHs cousins that only 2, maybe 3 out of about 30 would go to a wedding abroad but all of them would get the hump if not invited to a wedding in Ireland - and also expect the usual Irish wedding drink, meal, drink, dancing, drink procedure.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

Well then why the need to high-tail it out of the country on a plane? If the "essentials" aren't your thing then surely the only essential is that ye get married- so why does it matter where ye do it?

By the way, I totally think that if ye'd be happiest going abroad then go for it, because the most important thing is that ye do what ye like. But I personally don't understand the need to go abroad that so many people have, when we have so much to offer here right on our doorstep.

It's funny though- if an Irish couple go abroad to get married, people just accept it. If an Irish couple go to somewhere 3 hours down the road to get married, people think "That's weird, why didn't they just get married at home? Or go abroad?" You can't win!

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well then why the need to high-tail in out of the country on a plane? If the "essentials" aren't your thing then surely the only essential is that ye get married- so why does it matter where ye do it?

By the way, I totally think that if ye'd be happiest going abroad then go for it, because the most important thing is that ye do what ye like. But I personally don't understand the need to go abroad that so many people have, when we have so much to offer here right on our doorstep.

It's funny though- if an Irish couple go abroad to get married, people just accept it. If an Irish couple go to somewhere 3 hours down the road to get married, people think "That's weird, why didn't they just get married at home? Or go abroad?" You can't win!

I am completely failing to understand your issue with people going abroad to get married. Or have a wedding. Do you think people should only holiday in Ireland too?

You can sample the pleasures of Ireland anytime, it's nice to do something different for a wedding, presumable a once-off occasion in life.

For one thing, it was 14 degrees when I left the house this morning, in late July. If I want to get married or have a party I want to be able to wear a nice dress and not have to cover it up with a coat and hat and umbrella.

7sr2z3fely84g5

borderlinemeath wrote: »

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

i think alot want the big wedding to show the dress they wear for that day and never wear it again.