Empty Nest Syndrome

martinn123

Hi Folks,

first venture into this Forum, so feel free to Ban, Delete, Execute, if I am in the wrong place.

So the story is this, after 30 years, our second, and last, offspring is about to depart the nest.

Firstborn left 3 years ago, at 27, he only went as far as Galway, so he turns up every 3/4 weeks, to empty the fridge, and get his ironing done.

Second, now 27 is off, to Switzerland, and herself is starting to panic.

Its just going to be the two of us.:eek:

So what can we expect.

OK the finances will improve dramatically, but what will we talk about.

We are both out all day, trying to make a living, but I hate her Job, and she hates mine, so not much of ''How did you get on today'' chat.

Any and all tips appreciated, from any Oulways, n, Oulfellas, who have gone through this

Thanks

Martinn123

Rubecula

Find something to do together, camping, walking, visiting places is a good place to start. Maybe go to some kind of sporting event you both like.

Go to music festivals or concerts. Take up gardening in your spare time and work together.

Redo all the things that brought you together all those years ago but this time take the time to smell the roses. Try laughing together.

Things like this will stand you in good stead for when you are older and both are retired.

Remember, once at home the office door is shut so no need to even think about work when you are together.

Not great advice perhaps but it is all I have to give.

Jellybaby1

We are empty (almost) nesters. Ours are spending more time with their girlfriends/boyfriends than at home. I actually find that I talk to myself vocally now, and sometimes walk aimlessly from room to room, unable to tidy their rooms as they haven't technically left home yet so their stuff is still here and untidy so I daren't touch. I suppose you'd say we are in the twilight zone at present! It feels so weird. And himself and myself have to learn to call each other by our Christian names again without calling each other 'mam' or 'dad'. Funny that!

martinn123

martinn123 wrote: »

Hi Folks,


Its just going to be the two of us.:eek:

So what can we expect.


Thanks

Martinn123

It takes a bit of getting used to, - I always thought I'd welcome the day when my kids would go their own way, but I never realised what it does to you when the last one leaves. Both partners change is so many ways over 30+ years and its not the same as when you started out together. I dont think I can give you any advice as I'm still coming to terms with it myself.

chucken1

Well if its any consolation..they keep coming back

My mam used to say "they leave in ones and come back in threes"

Bless her..:rolleyes:

They go,They come back. The world is very small now.

Just when we think we have the house :pac: not happening just yet.

Dont despair..but may I suggest Ryanair flights to places you would never dream of going??

WE did it..still at it.

martinn123

Thanks for all the replies. So he's gone since Tuesday, and the house is so quiet, this is our first week-end on our own, nothing really planned, hope it rains as I am now in charge of the grass cutting. Wonder where he left the lawnmower.

So he hadn't landed in Switzerland and herself had the laptop out checking flights.
Looks like we are going out mid Sept, excuse is that we have to bring out stuff he needs, and could not bring, weight restrictions etc.
At least as its a duty free flight, I can buy tobacco, duty free, both ways.

have been looking at something called Skype, the eldest put it on the laptop, not working yet as the traveller, has no internet connection where he is staying.

In all honesty, the hardest part was the trip to the airport, herself would not go, and I am glad I had the Sunglasses, never want to do that again, ever.
So thanks for comments so far, please post any advice, as we are obviously only starting out on this journey
Thanks

Spread

Hi martinn123! If you've no skype try NONOH. Just google it and follow instructions. I ring Ireland three or four times a week from here and it's FREE. I lived down in that part for about 7 years and RyanAir fly to Fredricshaven from Stanstead. You can get a ferry across the lake and you're in Switzerland. They may be flying to a more local airport now. So much cheaper than Swissair or Aer Lingus. And the ferries and local transport link up.

Jellybaby1

Skype is great! We used it a lot when our daughter lived in London. When she came home we didn't have much catching up to do as we had done it all on Skype every week while she was away.

looksee

Skype is wonderful, I chatted for about an hour with my eldest daughter in the US today as she told me about the car she is planning to buy and sending me links as we talked. We also both looked at Google maps to see where in China she might end up as her boss is talking about sending her there for a year.

The last chick has left the nest, she is just finishing university, but I know that, unless there are really serious employment problems, she will not be back, except to visit. She is in the UK. Nearest is a son and daughter-in-law about an hour or so's drive away, they have a young family so their separate life is well established.

I can't tell you what to expect, its different for everyone depending on circumstances, and many of these are not entirely under your control. The only thing I can suggest is, get out, find things to interest you both at home and socially. Do things together and do things individually. See the positive side of everything, look around and enjoy the day, the weather, the satisfaction of a cleared out cupboard, the pleasure of a trip away.

And it is very true, if you let them go, they will come back, in multiples! They will always be your children, but they have their own lives to live, and you have yours, enjoy it!

policarp

martinn123 wrote: »

Hi Folks,

first venture into this Forum, so feel free to Ban, Delete, Execute, if I am in the wrong place.

So what can we expect.

Ban and Deletion possible.
You'll have to supply more information for the Execution though. . .

There are loads of special offers at the moment for Mid-Week and
Week-End breaks all over Ireland and I'm sure you could find many to
suit your interests. There are hotels and guesthouses close to golf
courses, nature trails, museums, places of natural beauty, historical
sites, the gaeltacht, music pubs, etc. Something for every month of
the year.
If you avail of some of these and when you have your Skype set
up both ways, you'll find that you will have no trouble chatting on-line
for ages. You will have loads of stories to tell of your adventures and
won't be stuck talking about the weather or what the dog had for
breakfast. And you won't be asking questions all the time.
That's what my In-Laws tell me, and they're even building a small
kitchen extension to cater for next generation.

jos28

I posted on this subject in the parenting forum a few months back when my 23 year old baby left home. Like your wife Martinn, I was too upset to go to the airport (and mine only went to the UK !). Those first weeks were very tough, I missed him and worried about him constantly. I hated the empty house, I missed his friends calling in. For many of us the empty nest syndrome coincides with the loss of our parents, it's the natural order of things I suppose. When my son left I spent a lot of time thinking back to happier times when my children were young and my Mam and Dad were still around. I had to give myself a serious kick in the a*se and stop looking back. I had to accept this new stage of life and move on. Yes the house is emptier but the food bill has dropped drastically
So now when the hubbie suggests going out for breakfast at the weekend, I say yes. We are free to go away for weekends and going to visit our son is great fun. We are heading over next month on cheap flights (19.99 each) and we will enjoy spending time with him. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary recently and I suppose I now really appreciate the fact that we are still together. We have achieved a lot in those 30 years and still enjoy each others company. I am sure that like us, you and your wife are very proud of the strong independent adults that you reared together. Now if only we could stop worrying about them.....but that would fill an entire forum. Take things slowly, make an effort to go out more. Try not to slump in front of the tv every night (like me if I was let). Go to the cinema, go for a meal. This is not my favourite part of life but it ain't all bad, it does have its advantages

martinn123

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post here. So its two weeks now, last week-end was our first totally on our own. So herself took off on Sat with her sisters for some retail therapy,

On Sunday instead of the usual Brunch, we jumped in the car and went out for lunch. Had a great day out, and just a light supper to cook that evening.

You should see what she is still buying at the supermarket, came home last week with big bag of chocolate bars, ( i don't eat chocolate ) I asked who they were for and she mentioned our niece's 3 year old, later she admitted she just put them in the trolley as usual:D

We got the Skype yoke set up, and on Sat I had a long chat, great invention.

As I am self-emp, we had not planned a holiday this year, but we booked flights to Switz, middle Sept. going out on Thurs/Mon so we will travel around and link up with the traveller on Sat/Sun.

Getting used to the quiet house, and having control of the Sky Remote.

He has settled in very well, and linked up with some mates, so there was no reason to be worried on that front, he even made me a ''friend'' on facebook, whatever that means, will have to look into that.

Things have changed so much on the communication front, when I was 25 I went to Africa for a year, the only method was a weekly letter to my Mum, and the odd phone call, on a very shakey line, now you can talk over a laptop, text, mobile etc,etc.

Thanks again for your interest and advice.

Jellybaby1

martinn123 wrote: »

He has settled in very well, and linked up with some mates, so there was no reason to be worried on that front, he even made me a ''friend'' on facebook, whatever that means, will have to look into that.

Oh ya lucky dog ya! Ours don't want to know us on Facebook. We don't have an account yet but we have been promising/threatening to set it up and be their 'friend' - they didn't seem too happy about it for some reason!!

martinn123

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Oh ya lucky dog ya! Ours don't want to know us on Facebook. We don't have an account yet but we have been promising/threatening to set it up and be their 'friend' - they didn't seem too happy about it for some reason!!

The theory seems to be, facebook is not a place you want your parents hanging around, reading messages, and looking at pic's.

You don't really want to know what they are up to, do you.;)

Jellybaby1

martinn123 wrote: »

The theory seems to be, facebook is not a place you want your parents hanging around, reading messages, and looking at pic's.

You don't really want to know what they are up to, do you.;)

Problem is, their friends tell their parents what my gang are 'up to' so our friends know more about our kids comings and goings than we do - bit of an irritation for us. Why would you tell the world on Facebook all about your life and not tell your parents? Anyway, I know they aren't 'up to' anything bad, but I think the main problem is we really aren't happy with bad language and I think Facebook might be a bit difficult for us because of that. Am I right? I know its old fashioned in these modern times but we manage to live our lives without it very well.

DeVore

Have more sex than anyone is comfortable talking about on a discussion forum...


DeV.

martinn123

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Problem is, their friends tell their parents what my gang are 'up to' so our friends know more about our kids comings and goings than we do - bit of an irritation for us. Why would you tell the world on Facebook all about your life and not tell your parents? Anyway, I know they aren't 'up to' anything bad, but I think the main problem is we really aren't happy with bad language and I think Facebook might be a bit difficult for us because of that. Am I right? I know its old fashioned in these modern times but we manage to live our lives without it very well.

From my very limited experienceon facebook, I do not think bad language is a feature.
It seems more where they can share events, pictures, meetings, etc.

You should set up an account, and send a reguest to become a ''friend'' they have to reply to allow this to happen.

I did this a month or so ago, and casually mentioned the request, at first it was ignored, and before our son left, he arranged a session with all his mates in a Dublin Pub, he definately did not want his folks turning up for that, once that was out of the way, he allowed me to become a friend.

Since then its a way of letting everyone know in general terms what is going on, I suppose the more personal stuff is still by text.

DeVore

Google+ use "circles". Brilliant for compartmentalising information... well worth a look.


Plus, its not Facebook.

DeV.

Jellybaby1

Good idea martinn123, looks like the way to go all right. Will have a go and see what transpires. Wish I could see their faces when we pop up out of the blue.

De Vore that Google/circles yoke means zilch to me, but will check it out.

Jellybaby1

Well, we are on the cusp of losing our final chick. I feel empty and without any reason to live get up in the mornings. How are ye all getting on? Does it get any better?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

After the initial loneliness it actually gets great. We now enjoy the visits from family. We love to see them doing so well out there in the big world. The house was very quiet at first but we have come to enjoy the time with just the two of us here. Life moves on and we move with it

Jellybaby1

Mariana Uptight Rim wrote: »

After the initial loneliness it actually gets great. We now enjoy the visits from family. We love to see them doing so well out there in the big world. The house was very quiet at first but we have come to enjoy the time with just the two of us here. Life moves on and we move with it

I can see you're one of the lucky ones. But I don't have that to fall back on unfortunately, and that's a big problem, I can see an old age full of worry still. Ignore me, I'm just feeling really miserable right now.

Rubecula

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

I can see you're one of the lucky ones. But I don't have that to fall back on unfortunately, and that's a big problem, I can see an old age full of worry still. Ignore me, I'm just feeling really miserable right now.

Massive hugs of sympathy fot you JB. I live on my own and I think I have become used to my own company. But I can sympathise with folks who have not yet got used to the peace and quiet.

Jellybaby1

I'm usually running around hither and yon. Today the house was terribly quiet, and I seemed to just wander from room to room aimlessly. You get used to certain noises, even if its just the shower running or the loo flushing upstairs. I gotta pull myself together or I'll go bananas!

Rubecula

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

I'm usually running around hither and yon. Today the house was terribly quiet, and I seemed to just wander from room to room aimlessly. You get used to certain noises, even if its just the shower running or the loo flushing upstairs. I gotta pull myself together or I'll go bananas!

Any hobbies?
Astronomy may suit you for an evening.

looksee

Hi JB, I am in the house on my own now. Up till April my husband was here but his circumstances meant that we were not able to do things together for a good few years. On balance I am content to be here on my own, though I do have lots of interests that get me out, and family nearby that come in.

Could you look around and see what needs to be done in the house? There is usually one room that you could redecorate or change. Could you make better use of one of the rooms - one of mine has become a sewing/ ironing// computer room and it is great. How about doing a job on the garden? Something to focus on and give you an interest.

You need to get out and do stuff, but you also need to have your house as a place where you want to be. It does of course depend on your circumstances and it may not be worth the hassle to try and make changes (been there...) but it is your home and you should be content in it.

If your house is like most of them when the chicks have flown, you have cupboards full of their 'stuff' that is too important to be thrown away, but not important enough to take with them. Have a sort out, chuck the genuine rubbish and put everything else into bags or boxes to be sorted by the owners. I could tell you to be ruthless, but I have only been a bit ruthless I admit, in spite of a lot of complaining. Sorting stuff does clear your head. Be patient with yourself though, its a bit of a life-change, give yourself time to get used to it.

Jellybaby1

Yes, I have quite a few interests, but its summer time and most things I attend have stopped until September. Can't get back into crafting at the moment. I'll be busier in a few weeks time. House decorating is sort of started already, and the garden is needing a lot of attention and more muscle than I have to give it but it will get done slowly as my bones don't like what spades do to them. Regarding clearing out their stuff, that's a no-no as I'm under instructions not to touch any of their stuff. But I will have to do something about it at some stage. It occurred to me to take in lodgers or students but himself wouldn't be happy with that and me too I suppose at the end of the day. I'm just feeling low but I'm sure I'll bounce back.......sometime.......soon-ish. Sorry to hear you are on your own now Looksee.