Death(a bit morbid I know!!)

bronie82

Hey my mother died nearly two years ago and im still not over it i cant seem to move on with my life it seems to have left a void that i cant seem to fill. im just wondering if its normal, not being able to move on from this I feel that i should be able to "get over it" its affecting my relationships with everyone else in my life

Spear

Moved from N&F.

marley123

I fully empathise with you. My Dad passed away 10mths ago & I still struggle to cope day by day. No one close to me would realise that , I keep a brave face on with 2 kids... no one seems to realise those " tough times" first birthday without etc.... I just get through it but am crying inside & no one that hasnt been through it understandsxx

Rubberlegs

Hi there, so sorry for your losses. Losing a parent is one of the toughest things you'll ever experience. I lost my Dad 9 months ago, it's just so surreal. I find as time goes on I keep forgetting he's gone, and think I can't wait to tell him something. It must be because the bad memories of his illness and death have mostly faded away, but it leaves me feeling so empty when I remember he's not there anymore. I just hope in time I can cope with it better, but I suppose it's a huge adjustment to have to deal with. In a way I'm glad to have got the first Christmas, his birthday and Father's Day over with, just the first anniversary now in November. I think as long as I live though, I'll miss him and think about him every day.

Chocchipcookie

Its 6 months since my mam died and i am still devestated. i feel like i will never be happy again. I have no joy in my life, even though I'm still getting on with everything, nights out, holidays etc. at the end of the day i still cry in bed and feel so low. I've been told that i'll feel better, but it will take time i know. I just want you to know that you are not alone and you can always get in contact with me here if you need to xx

raz86

i lost my dad 11 months ago today. i feel like i will never be happy again. i feel like everyone around me has just moved on and i am stuck, like time has stopped. i wonder will i ever be able to come to terms with what happened (he died in a very tragic accident). one thing i can't stop thinking about is all the time i have left without him. i am nearly 25. he will never see so many things i will do in my life. i just feel completely empty. i can't really talk to anyone about how i feel. nobody will understand until they lose someone they love themselves.

Taltos

bronie82 wrote: »

Hey my mother died nearly two years ago and im still not over it i cant seem to move on with my life it seems to have left a void that i cant seem to fill. im just wondering if its normal, not being able to move on from this I feel that i should be able to "get over it" its affecting my relationships with everyone else in my life

I lost my father 12 years ago.
You never (at least I never) get "over it".
You hopefully learn ways to cope though, try not to dwell on the loss, focus on the good memories - but again when your mind starts spiralling to your loss shake yourself out of it...

Zen65

bronie82 wrote: »

.....I feel that i should be able to "get over it" ....

Often we think that getting over something means forgetting about it or not thinking about it, but I believe that is not the case for most people. You can no more forget about your parents than you can forget about an arm or leg of your body. The loss of a parent is a physical loss of some part of your identity, some part of your connection to who you are.

Both of my parents have passed away; my father died before I was a teenager and my mother died six years ago. Throughout the decades when only one parent was alive I would have momentary lapses when I was unable for an instant to recall which parent had died, because the sense of absence was stronger than the ability of recall. Even now I still have flashes when I think I must check on my mother to ensure she is OK, only to remember that this is no longer necessary. The grief is no longer there, but the vacancies are unfilled. This is how it should be.

I think that for me, getting over it means embracing that absence. I would not wish it to fill in, because that absence provides the space through which my mind can wander and recall memories of both parents (though my memories of my father are hazy now). I think of the sense of absence as being a garden in which I plant the flowers of happy memories, of forgiveness (like many people, I also have many memories of my parents which are far from idyllic), of understanding and of hope (that I may pass onward the love I received from my parents to my own children, but be better at it!!).

Embracing the absence for what it is, rather than grieving for what is gone, is not about being without feelings. It is choosing which feelings to bring with you. In their lifetime your parents loved you, and that love is no less important to you now that they are gone. As my own children grow I have a better understanding of why my mother & father may have sometimes acted as they did, which at the time I interpreted in more negative terms due to my lack of maturity. Each time I experience these realisations I smile a little, revisit that garden of absence in my head, and re-live the experiences from a more adult perspective. I will never be able to go back and say "I understand now" to them, but this is not important, because I get an insight into how my own children will feel when they understand something about me after I am gone, and in my head the circle completes.

A life without death would be cheap and without value. It is the brevity of our lives that makes them so precious, and every day I remind myself that this life, however imperfect and containing so many moments of sorrow, is in fact a richer experience for us all because some day it will end. Embracing the inevitability of that end is sufficient for me to release the pain of what has past, and carry forward only the satisfaction that over the remainder of my life I will encounter many more moments of satisfaction as I experience these circles becoming complete. It reminds me to ensure that I live my own life in such a way that the circles will complete easily for my children when they experience my absence.

Bronie82, do not try to get over your mother's departure. Instead try to remember those feelings of warmth you experienced in the comfort of her living years, and take them with you to pass on to others so that the love that she shared with you can be shared between you and those special people in your life, even those you have not yet met. The feeling of grief will pass because in her lifetime your mother must have brought you more love than grief, and the best way to experience that love again is to share it with others.


Be at peace,

Z

SlimCi

I lost my dad over 30 years ago and as an only child lived at home with my Mum until she remarried in my twenties. She died 4 years ago this October and I have to say I am still heartbroken, miss her in all aspects of my life and my son's life. I was really really devastated to the point of medication for depression etc but around the 2 1/2 year mark I started to pull out of it. If I hadn't had my son and husband I don't think I would have survived it. It was made all the worse by the way she died really and the mistakes/accidents in the hospital and over that I still feel guilty every day that I didn't stand up for her more but I just didn't really know what was going on around me. She is with me always in my heart and my head but there is no doubt about it, she took a piece of my heart with her:)