smacking children.

Mc Kenzie

Today i was out browsing the shops, needed the loo, as i was washing my hands i heard a wird whale of a sound from the toilet that drowned out some girls chatting. it was a child crying and the next thing i heard was a slap and the cchilds cry again. me and the girl beside me looked at each other, like what the hell.

I know iv prob got a few smacks as child, but i really found this..disturbing...i could still here the childs crying down the hall,

maybe i should have done something.

anyone any thaughts on this.

Paulw

You might be better off posting this in the parenting section.

Personally speaking, I see nothing wrong with a parent smacking their child, as long as it's not physical abuse (more than just a smack).

As you said, you were smacked as a child and I'm sure it did you no harm. In fact, I'd say most over 25 yrs old were probably smacked as a child.

Society is too soft these days.

Mc Kenzie

to be honest in my opinion i think it did more harm than good.

Goldenegg

+1

I got a smack when I was younger if I was acting up. Now I'm not talking beatings just a smack on the back of legs etc. It didn't do my siblings or me anyharm, even though at the time it probably felt like the worst thing in the world.

I don't have any children yet but when I do, I will be raring them as I was. A little smack (as a last resort) if they are bold.

Paulw wrote: »

You might be better off posting this in the parenting section.

Personally speaking, I see nothing wrong with a parent smacking their child, as long as it's not physical abuse (more than just a smack).

As you said, you were smacked as a child and I'm sure it did you no harm. In fact, I'd say most over 25 yrs old were probably smacked as a child.

Society is too soft these days.

FreudianSlippers

Paulw wrote: »

You might be better off posting this in the parenting section.

Agreed. Moved to Parenting.

nesf

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

to be honest in my opinion i think it did more harm than good.

You don't know the context of the situation and as such are not in a good position to judge whether it did more harm than good.*

*Unless you are one of those people who think a slap always does more harm than good, in which case I won't bother wasting my time arguing with you as we'll never agree.

Tayla

My OH was working in a shop one Christmas and a woman smacked her toddler really viciously across the face, he went down to the security guard and they got the incident up on the security camera and phoned the police who did indeed take it very seriously but I don't know if they ever found the person. My OH was very upset to witness it.

CathyMoran

Personally I feel that it is never right to hit a child - I have two children under 17 months of age and will never hit them. Our eldest does throw temper tamtrums at the age he is but we just put him im a safe place to work through it himself. OP, I would have reported the parent.

RustyNut

Don't mean to be flipant but for me it's a case of monkey see monkey do, so what you are teaching your kids by using physical force is the way to deal with issues is with force rather than reason,but each to their own.

CrazyRabbit

Smacking should be a very last resort. However, for many parents it is the only discipline that they use and it's therefore abuse.

Which is better? A child that only acts good whenever a parent is around due to a fear of punishment, or a child that has the self discipline not to misbehave even when there is no parent/adult around? That's what makes smacking self defeating...as the child becomes a teen, that fear which kept them in line when younger, is diminished.

emo72

RustyNut wrote: »

Don't mean to be flipant but for me it's a case of monkey see monkey do, so what you are teaching your kids by using physical force is the way to deal with issues is with force rather than reason,but each to their own.

How do you reason with a toddler? I don't think they have a concept of reason.
Smacking is harmless. Abuse is a different thing altogether.

stovelid

It's important to distinguish between witnessing an assault against a child and a parent using light smacking.

The latter is - frankly - none of your business; the former requires at the least an adult intervention.

Nanazolie

stovelid wrote: »

It's important to distinguish between witnessing an assault against a child and a parent using light smacking.

The latter is - frankly - none of your business; the former requires at the least an adult intervention.

Agree. I don't hit my children and hope I'll never loose my wit and do it. Because let's be honest, smacking is always an adult losing their cool. I find it disturbing when I witness it, because obviously you teach your children not to hit others but you allow yourself to hit them, something is wrong there. I too got a few slaps as a child, and while they didn't hurt as such, they didn't teach me anything else that if you do something naughty, it's best to lie. I don't want to teach my children that violence is an educational tool, or that it's okay for an adult to hit someone who is half their size.

But the way people raise their children is their choice and none of my business. I would of course report some abuse and a child being beaten, but not a slap or a smack. And the above is my view on education, like the way I dress or feed my kids. I don't want anyone to interfere with that so I don't do it to other parents

RustyNut

emo72 wrote: »

How do you reason with a toddler? I don't think they have a concept of reason.
Smacking is harmless. Abuse is a different thing altogether.

As a toddler we praised good behaviour and generally either ignored bad behaviour or removed them from the situation that led to it, unless it was dangerous when a stern talking to worked and as they get older explaining why a behaviour was not acceptable worked, but that's just what worked for us.

Nanazolie

emo72 wrote: »

How do you reason with a toddler? I don't think they have a concept of reason.

It's what I thought before having kids. In fact, babies realize from very early on what pleases their parents and what doesn't. So, say an 8 months baby keeps touching something you don't want them to touch, you repeat "no" firmly, remove the object from their reach, etc... They'll very quickly get it. I guess people have different opinions on what's good or not, so for instance some people won't mind if their child plays with the cat's food while others will teach the child not to do so.
An 18 months old might not understand why you don't want them to go on the road, but they will know that they are not allowed to. A young child will not stay on the bold step, so my way is to remove whatever they are playing with. When my son (18 months) throws things in a temper, I take his snuggy away. At first, he would just cry but after a few times he understood the connection between his acts and my reaction and will now pick up the objects, hand them back to me and ask for his snuggy back

It's actually quite a funny experiment: in a room full of toddlers, say "hin hin" in a loud and cross tone. Watch them all stop whatever they are doing and turn to you with a guilty look on their face

JDD

I agree with the above posters, there's a difference between abuse and an occasional smack. Usually people only witness it when they're out in public, and usually a parent will only resort to a smack while out in public because you can't send a child to "time out" in a supermarket/city street, and the option of going home straight away is not always available.

I was smacked as a child, and honestly I can only remember two occasions when it happened and one where I was in fear of it happening. I never hit another child, nor have I hit anyone as an adult. It didn't teach me anything negative. The benefit of it I suppose was that the threat of being smacked was enough to teach me to behave, and it was an immediate consequence, rather than "you'll have no dessert/no television/no toys when you get home". A consequence that was more than an hour away never even registered in my mind.

Having said that, I am now pregnant with my first and will not employ smacking as a disciplinary measure if I can at all avoid it. The "time out" method does seem to be more effective and I do think our generation have more tools at their disposal than our parents' generation did. We are also, in general, older and therefore should have a little more patience. I won't judge someone who does smack a child who is clearly misbehaving, I know how frustrating a screaming child can get and it is sometimes used as a last resort.

Abuse is clearly a different matter, and I would hope that I would be able to notice the difference. I have to say I would be against a parent repeatedly smacking a child, smacking a child older than five, or someone who smacks them on the head/face. That would lead me to believe that the smacking is used far more than just as a last resort and would show that the parent is having parenting difficulties. In those cases I would have no problem making a comment or reporting them.

kelle

Threads like this make villains of parents from 70s and 80s - when there was no Supernanny to teach alternatives. All my friends and I were smacked as children, yet we aren't vicious and none of us hit others children. We have grown up into law-abiding adults - and we never smack our children.

However, I'm pleased corporal punishment was abolished from schools. Teachers only carried it out on the weaker or the shy children - never the disruptive or nasty ones. It didn't force knowledge into the heads of those that just needed a better explanation, nor did it teach confidence to those that were afraid to speak in front of others. Humiliation was the order of the day, I still shudder at the memories.

Nanazolie

kelle wrote: »

Threads like this make villains of parents from 70s and 80s - when there was no Supernanny to teach alternatives. All my friends and I were smacked as children, yet we aren't vicious and none of us hit others children. We have grown up into law-abiding adults - and we never smack our children.

However, I'm pleased corporal punishment was abolished from schools. Teachers only carried it out on the weaker or the shy children - never the disruptive or nasty ones. It didn't force knowledge into the heads of those that just needed a better explanation, nor did it teach confidence to those that were afraid to speak in front of others. Humiliation was the order of the day, I still shudder at the memories.

Not necessarely so. My parents were very good parents IMO, yet on a few occasions they just lost their cool because - let's admit it - I was sometimes a real handful. But what I got from that experience (personal, everyone has different circumstances and background) is that if I knew I had done something stupid and I'd risk a smack, I would just deny it. Not that it worked much :P That didn't stop me from doing anything in the first place. What did, however, was when my parents explained the why and how...

My husband was never smacked in his life, yet we were born the same year and he had 3 brothers and sisters who never got smacked either. So it shows that even then, some parents managed without it.

And.... I don't have TV, and never got into Super Nanny or any parenting book. In fact, the only one I read was Gina Ford, which I didn't like or could relate to. The real reason why I decided not to smack (if possible) my kids is that once, my first child escaped on a busy car park and out of fright I gave her a smack on her bum. It felt so wrong, because I'm nearly 6 foot tall and she was only small, I thought "hang on, what will she learn from this?". Decided it wouldn't teach her anything and I want to be respected, not feared.

jackie1974

I dont judge a parent that uses smacking as a form of discipline and I certainly wouldn't want it to be made an offense to smack but it's not for me. I have smacked my oldest, shes 18 now, when she was small but felt guilty which then led me to be more lenient the next time she misbehaved so the discipline was inconsistent. I had to find ways to discipline that didnt make me feel guilty. Also I feel that smacking can become habitual and escalate as the child grows. I mean if you give an eight year old a smack on the ass they'll laugh at you so must you hurt them ?

stovelid

kelle wrote: »

Threads like this make villains of parents from 70s and 80s - when there was no Supernanny to teach alternatives. All my friends and I were smacked as children, yet we aren't vicious and none of us hit others children. We have grown up into law-abiding adults - and we never smack our children.

My mum sometimes expresses guilt for smacking us although we all turned out fine as it seemed like much the norm. When I was a kid, it seemed that the same censure and judgment that exists today re: smacking existed for parents that spared the rod.

I have lightly smacked my (very strong willed) boy (and privately anguished about afterwards it like most) but quite rarely as timeout and explanation works in most cases. I'm hopeful that as he gets older, I'll have more strategies to use as well, such as withholding treats, trips, toys etc.

Akrasia

emo72 wrote: »

RustyNut wrote: »

Don't mean to be flipant but for me it's a case of monkey see monkey do, so what you are teaching your kids by using physical force is the way to deal with issues is with force rather than reason,but each to their own.

How do you reason with a toddler? I don't think they have a concept of reason.
Smacking is harmless. Abuse is a different thing altogether.

A child too young to understand reason is certainly too young to understand why mammy or daddy is deliberately hurting him. I have a 2 year old. if he cats up at home or in public the very last thing i would do is hit him. He's a very well behaved child who has never been treated with anything resembling violence.

emo72

emo72 wrote: »

How do you reason with a toddler? I don't think they have a concept of reason.
Smacking is harmless. Abuse is a different thing altogether.

I find this post quite disturbing. You are on the one hand saying that a toddler wouldn't understand basic reasoning. And yet you think it's ok to smack them? I am actually kind of dumbfounded by this logic.

Toddlers don't understand, so smack them? that'll learn 'em?

That, in my head, makes zero sense.

emo72

Deleted User wrote: »

I find this post quite disturbing. You are on the one hand saying that a toddler wouldn't understand basic reasoning. And yet you think it's ok to smack them? I am actually kind of dumbfounded by this logic.

Toddlers don't understand, so smack them? that'll learn 'em?

That, in my head, makes zero sense.

its not really disturbing is it? thankfully i think i only smacked my kid once. never had to do it again. my kid probably thought he was getting murdered but i know it was a light slap.

anyway he learned a lesson cos i never had to slap him again. hopefully it stays that way. he was caught doing something wrong a couple of times, he was warned verbally, didnt respond, 3 or 4 years old. when he was caught again smack on the bum and problem solved.

i suppose as a parent you do what you think is right.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

That, in my head, makes zero sense.

In your head, and in many others.

But you might as well try to plait the rain as explain it to the people who think hitting a child makes sense.

Adults slap children because they can, and for no other good reason.

emo72

Deleted User wrote: »

Adults slap children because they can, and for no other good reason.

is that line really true? ".....slap children because they can...."

if that was the case wouldnt i be doing it all the time? because i can?

stovelid

Deleted User wrote: »

Adults slap children because they can, and for no other good reason.

Horseshit.

emo72

emo72 wrote: »

is that line really true?

Yes. It's nothing but the truth - although perhaps it's not the whole truth. Throw in a dash of impatience and a spoonful of insecurity, and you're getting closer to the whole truth.

emo72

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes. It's nothing but the truth - although perhaps it's not the whole truth. Throw in a dash of impatience and a spoonful of insecurity, and you're getting closer to the whole truth.

and maybe a tad holier than thou for yourself?:p

emo72

emo72 wrote: »

and maybe a tad holier than thou for yourself?:p

But only a tad.

People have very different (and somewhat entrenched) views about this, and the debate isn't helped by the fact that it's somehow not socially acceptable to criticise others for their parenting. In my view, it would be helpful if we could get to a point where it was just as socially unacceptable to hit your children, but I suspect that's some way off.

I'm an average parent, and I'm not a patient man. All the same, I simply don't buy any of the arguments people make for slapping children. I'm sure the arguments make sense to the people making them, but they don't make any sense to me, and IMO they don't stand up to anything approaching rigorous scrutiny.

RedXIV

Deleted User wrote: »

But only a tad.

People have very different (and somewhat entrenched) views about this, and the debate isn't helped by the fact that it's somehow not socially acceptable to criticise others for their parenting. In my view, it would be helpful if we could get to a point where it was just as socially unacceptable to hit your children, but I suspect that's some way off.

I'm an average parent, and I'm not a patient man. All the same, I simply don't buy any of the arguments people make for slapping children. I'm sure the arguments make sense to the people making them, but they don't make any sense to me, and IMO they don't stand up to anything approaching rigorous scrutiny.

Really? There was one here a little while ago about a grandmother who slapped a childs hand away as he went to reach at a hot stove. Is that wrong? If the child can't understand the obvious danger of placing a hand on red hot metal but understands the threat of a smack if he tries, is that not preferable?

I remember my little sister being fascinated by the fire when we were kids and used to try to get at it constantly until she got a smack one day for trying. Reasoning hadn't worked there but a smack did. Is that wrong?

Nanazolie

RedXIV, obviously, for the child's safety it's best to get a slap on the hand than third degree burns. We had another approach here because like all the kids, ours were fascinated by the oven and wouldn't take "no" for an answer. So I turned on the oven, waited until it was hot enough but not so hot as to burn, I touched it, saying "hot, hot, it burns, ouch ouch!", and started crying (for real). It worked for both my kids, the now 3 years old and the 18 months old, they never touch the oven. I understand that it might not work for all kids, however