Should I contact her again??

Fittle

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated thanks...

Briefly, I'm a single mum to a 9yr old boy. Dad has never been involved (his choice). I get court ordered maintenance. When I met him, he was separated with a 6yr old daughter who he adored. He still has a relationship with this (now 20yr old) girl...

About 3yrs ago, I contacted her mum as my then 6yr old was asking about his half-sister. The response I got back was that the girl would feel 'disloyal' to her dad if she saw her half-brother, and that perhaps in a few years she would have matured etc. Although her mother at the time was quite enthusiastic that they eventually meet, I told her I'd leave it with her and she'd know where to find me...she didn't get back in touch.

Roll on 3yrs and my now 9yr old has become obsessed with the thoughts of this 20yr old half-sister and keeps asking when he's going to meet her. I keep answering that I don't know and that she knows where we live, and if she wants to meet him, she can...he has now asked if we can go to her house or if he can write to her.....

I don't know what to do.

Given that both she and her mum know where to contact him, it's pretty obvious she won't be getting in touch with him anytime soon! And yet, I can't find an answer for my lad that will put this notion of meeting her to bed for him (for now anyway!)...any ideas??? Should I even bother contacting her mother again (I didn't contact her directly last time as she was under 18 then..)

BTW, I am 'friends' with the mum on FB although we never 'chat' etc - and the daughter is easy enough to find also (not that I'd do it that way, but just saying they are easily contactable)

Edit: I should add that his dad now has a 3yr old boy and is living with her mother...this 20yr old has a relationship with this boy too...(I can really pick 'em, can't I!!!)

The Lovely Muffin

Personally, I would contact the mother again and explain about your son.

The 20yo shouldn't feel disloyal to her father though, it was the fathers choice not to be involved with his son, if the 20yo wants to get to know her brother and possibly have a relationship with him she should be able to do so.

Fittle

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

Personally, I would contact the mother again and explain about your son.

The 20yo shouldn't feel disloyal to her father though, it was the fathers choice not to be involved with his son, if the 20yo wants to get to know her brother and possibly have a relationship with him she should be able to do so.

I agree with you - however, her mother made it very clear that her (their) dad could make things difficult for her if she chose to see my boy (he's a difficult man, to say the least:rolleyes:).

There's also the issue of the 3yr old...I only found out about him recently and haven't mentioned him to my son just yet (don't want the 'why did he want to be HIS dad, and not mine?' just right now....)....

As he's 9 now, I'm almost tempted to let him write to her himself...but then he'll be waiting for a reply and (probably) won't get one which will break his heart....

He's mature in some ways, but quite a baby in others...I don't quite know when to stop protecting him from this stuff...:(

we'llallhavetea_old

feck it fittle, i think you should contact the mother again, just explain the situation to her. you can approach her in such a way that she understands you are not putting the pressure on, just that you were wondering if she would be interested in a meet up yet.
i cant see any other way to do it tbh. you won't know til you try. good luck, hope it all works out

The Lovely Muffin

Fittle wrote: »

I agree with you - however, her mother made it very clear that her (their) dad could make things difficult for her if she chose to see my boy (he's a difficult man, to say the least:rolleyes:).

There's also the issue of the 3yr old...I only found out about him recently and haven't mentioned him to my son just yet (don't want the 'why did he want to be HIS dad, and not mine?' just right now....)....

As he's 9 now, I'm almost tempted to let him write to her himself...but then he'll be waiting for a reply and (probably) won't get one which will break his heart....

He's mature in some ways, but quite a baby in others...I don't quite know when to stop protecting him from this stuff...:(

Apologies, I misunderstood your first post.

It's a shame the children's father is like that.

I know if I was in that position, I would tell him to mind his own business and if I wanted a relationship with my siblings I would have one regardless of him and what he wanted/though, but then, I won't tolerate anyone interfering in my life or any decisions etc I make.

I can understand where you are coming from with not wanting your son to as about his younger brother, unfortunately though, the time will come when he will find out and will ask questions, especially if he gets to know his 20yo sister.

Does the brother know about your son?

I definitely wouldn't allow your son to write to her yourself because as you say he probably won't get a reply and will be heartbroken.

I would write to their mother yourself and explain the situation. Would it be possible for yourself and their mother to meet up (just the two of you) to have a talk about this and decide where to go?

Good luck with this, I hope it all works out for you, it's a difficult situation.

Fittle

Thanks for replies.

To answer your questions purple - I doubt the 3yr old knows about my son. I contacted his dad a few years ago too, again, just a one lined note to say if he ever wanted to contact him, this was our new address (we had moved alot, I finally bought my own home a few years ago;)). I got a solicitors letter in reply stating that I was harrassing him- that he felt he was doing his duty by paying the (court ordered) maintenance and would not now, and will not ever be interested in having a relationship with the boy (almost direct quotes there, letter is burned and binned long ago).

So to say his dad wants nothing to do with him, is an understatement.

When the questions began about his dad, I always explained to my lad that it's not that his dad doesn't want HIM, because he doesn't even know him and of course, if he knew him, he would want to be his dad;) He seems well adjusted about the whole 'dad' thing - I often ask if he wants to talk about him and he's never bothered.

I think this whole big sister thing has come on-stream this summer as he met a load of new friends in a summer project over the past few weeks - 3 of whom have big sisters. I heard him telling them all about his own big sister one day......

The 3yr old is a whole other issue - as I only found out about him myself recently, I've decided to say nothing for now - Yes, I'll tell him in time, but will tell him that I only found out myself at that time...

As I said, he's a really well adjusted kid - has never 'acted-out' because of any of this situation....

nicowa

Would it be possible to get in contact with the girl herself? She might feel differently if she spoke to you directly rather than just to her mum.

Fittle

I suppose that would be possible - however, I know someone who knows her and she's currently in the throes of her first love, is out every night in his house etc etc. I remember being that age myself and am not sure I would have had much interest in a 9yr old...I thought if I did it through her mum, she might 'talk some sense' to her...but of course, I could be wrong.

Shelli2

I would tend to think of it the other way, if she's all loved up at the moment, she's more likely to be in a good mood most of the time and in a good 'head place' to think about it. Also, she would have someone she's currently very close to (who's outside the situation and not emotionally involved in it), to talk about it with, rather than her mother?

Most people I know, if they weren't tied up or related to the situation, would tell the girl to meet her brother, that whatever the father's issues are that the child should not suffer.

Fittle

Perhaps you're right.

I have a few nieces around her age and none of them can believe she has also chosen to ignore him - but then none of us knows what goes on inside closed doors - I've no idea the relationship she has with her dad, her dads current partner or that little boy - perhaps she hasn't been in touch because she feels she would ruin that whole relationship. She has no idea what I'm like now - she may remember me from old, and we had a decent relationship, though her dad kept her pretty much to himself (we didn't meet up much when he had her back in the day) as he preferred to keep her out of our relationship.

I dunno what to do - I almost emailed her mum last night, then backed out for fear I'd get the same reply as I got a few years ago...

LittleBook

I know how you feel. I've stuck my neck out over the years to facilitate a relationship between my daughter and her father's family, they're nice people (and her Dad is fortunately nothing like your ex!) but they have their own lives and get on with them. They literally don't know what they're missing.

The losers in these situations are the kids who actually want to know their family ... my daughter, your son.

I would definitely try again but I wouldn't say anything to your son just yet, not lying, just omission.

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to say I tried my very best for her, that's all you can do.

Good luck!

Fittle

Actually, they are the thoughts I've had about his fathers family from the first day - I've always thought I'd like to be able to tell him (when he's older) that I did the best I could to facilitate a relationship with them.

I might send that email so...I guess the worst that can happen is that she's 'not ready' to see him...no doubt I'll think up some excuse for my lad if/when he asks again. Thanks.

Edit; Message sent.

Shelli2

My heart goes out to you, I hope everything works out for the best.

Tayla

Fair play to you Fittle, I hope everything works out. Your son wants to meet her so all you can do is try to respect his wishes, if she doesn't want to know then at least you've tried but I believe the decision is your sons to make.

Speaking as someone who discovered I had an older half sister when I was 20, I have to say I was very angry that noone told me , it's not the same situation and I don't speak to my sister now but I was very very annoyed that my parents made a decision for me that I believe was mine to make and in particular I thought it was very cruel to my half sister as she knew about me all along and asked to meet me repeatedly but our dad refused.

CIARAN_BOYLE

Best of luck. It sounds like a ****ty situation.

Fittle

Cheers folks.

Well the mum replied that she'd ask the daughter last night, but not to hold my breath as the daughter has a very misguided loyalty to her dad.

When I heard that of course, I regretted even asking the question and I was going over and over it in my head last night and it's killing me that I feel 'beholden' to this bloody 20yr old now...I feel like I'm almost begging her to see him and I'm really annoyed at myself.

No reply as of yet but I've decided as she'll probably say no, I'll tell my lad she's emigrated and that should stop the questions for another few years until he's old enough to understand the awful choice his mother made in ever even having a relationship with such a horrible man back in the day:mad::mad:

LittleBook

Fittle wrote: »

Well the mum replied that she'd ask the daughter last night, but not to hold my breath as the daughter has a very misguided loyalty to her dad.

It's a shame the mum doesn't appear to have the will to work with you on this, it feels like she'll ask once and pass on the response. If I was her I'd be working with my 20-year-old daughter to teach her how to think for herself, outside of her father's influence.

Once you know you have family, do you automatically have any duty to them? I'm not sure. But I can't imagine the mentality of having a little brother who wants to see me and refusing to see him. It's just ... petty.

Fittle wrote: »

When I heard that of course, I regretted even asking the question

No regrets Fittle, you're doing the right thing, end of.

Fittle wrote: »

I was going over and over it in my head last night and it's killing me that I feel 'beholden' to this bloody 20yr old now...I feel like I'm almost begging her to see him and I'm really annoyed at myself.

No reply as of yet but I've decided as she'll probably say no, I'll tell my lad she's emigrated and that should stop the questions for another few years

Or until she finally cops on. Anything could happen which would finally trigger an understanding of the fact that she has family, a half-brother, that she's rejecting. She's clearly still in her father's sphere of influence but she's still young. All that could change.

Fittle wrote: »

until he's old enough to understand the awful choice his mother made in ever even having a relationship with such a horrible man back in the day:mad::mad:

Eh, I wouldn't quite put it to him that way

Fittle

Well, I do berate myself (not so much now, but in the early days) about my bad choice back then - he was a wonderful father to that child at the time (I of course, had no kids) and fought her mother in court to gain full custody (he didn't get it mind you, I think he enjoyed the battle though...perhaps I should have seen that side of it then:(). And now (I believe) he's a great dad to this other child...

I understand that his hatred of me (because I chose to go ahead and have my son, as opposed to a termination) and the fact that he sees his son as a financial burden and nothing more, is the reason he won't see the boy - I have long since given up on that idea. But now, for his hatred to continue onto his adult daughter...when they don't know my boy at all - it really annoys me.

Then I went home last night and my lad had won an award at the summer camp he's on - 'Best Boy in Camp' after a few weeks with 29 kids....and HE won it (for behaviour, overall good mood all the time etc) and I was reminded that he's not missing out on anything at all and I'm a great mammy:D

Tayla

Can I also just add that when my half sister got in contact with me, (I was 20, she was about 30) I found it extremely uncomfortable and I felt guilty due to the fact that my dad wanted nothing to do with her (even though he had had contact up until the age of 18)

As I mentioned earlier, we don't speak at all now, (major personality clash) and I found her to be very immature even though she was 10 years older than me but at the time I always felt very guilty and like I was responsible for his actions as when I asked him to see her he wouldn't and left it up to me to tell her.

If I had been put in the same position with a young child I think it would have broken my heart.

Fittle

When you said earlier Tayla that your dad refused to let her meet you (even though she asked repeatedly), how did he control that - like when she was 20 and you were ten, was she interested in meeting you? And how did he stop that?

Justask

Hi Fittle

YES you are a great mum and well done to your little dude on his award

20 year old now a days are not what they were when i was 20, they are still very imature. I have a 20 year old niece and all she cares about is herself.

I wonder is your sons dad and my sons dad brothers LMAO

you have done what is right for your little man and sod anyone if they are put out.

My son said to not so long ago 'Why do i need a dad like tat when I have a mum like you'

Cyber hugs to you

Fittle

I agree about the 20yr olds nowadays Justask - I also have a few nieces that age and they are very selfish of their time. They have little time for their own younger siblings, their cousins (my son) or anyone else for that matter.

When I was that age, I had a load of nephews and nieces and practically reared half of them - I loved bringing them to the cinema with me or for sleepovers when I moved out of home:D Thanks for the hugs;)

PCPhoto

apologies for jumping in - I tried to read all of the thread but concentration is kind of lacking.

Does the 20yr old know that she has a 1/2 brother ? (dont want to stir things up) but if you had legal battle with the mum over custody, is it possible that the mum is not telling her daughter about her 1/2 brother - for the sake of her own family ! (putting on a sympathetic routine for you so you will think she is doing her best).

I would let it for now to be honest but - next time - contact the daughter directly, an actual letter (by post) - people dismiss emails and having a physical letter addressed to her will make her think - you could always put your email in there for her to reply if she wants to.

all I can say is well done fittle - so far you appear to have raised a gem of a little lad.

Fittle

She knows she has a brother - she 'met' him for a few weeks when he was newborn, when his dad decided to see him. She adored him at that time and even had pics of him on her wall. However, this was in the weeks leading up to our first maintenance case (my lad was 9weeks old) - I was delighted that having ignored me through the pregnancy, his dad was now 'on board'. We went to court and (fool that I was then) I told the judge that maintenance didn't matter as he was seeing the child and all I ever wanted was that my son had his father in his life...however, the judge ordered 20e a week maintenance anyway. We walked out the door - his dad said he wouldn't be seeing the boy again after that day, and he hasn't.

I brought him back to court and got a significant increase, but despite 2 notes to him in 9yrs, he has stuck to his word and won't see his son.

I'll do no more. I haven't heard back from the mother today, but as she told me yesterday not to hold my breath, I won't.

Thanks for the nice words:)

Tayla

Fittle wrote: »

When you said earlier Tayla that your dad refused to let her meet you (even though she asked repeatedly), how did he control that - like when she was 20 and you were ten, was she interested in meeting you? And how did he stop that?

She always knew about us, my dad had lived with them until she was 5 or 6, I never knew anything at all about her, I only found out when she found me on a social networking site.

He used to write her letters telling her all about me and my brother and she always begged him to tell us but he always made excuses and wouldn't arrange a meeting. She even showed up a few times at the house unannounced to tell us herself but me and my brother weren't there. My dad refuses to see her now and refuses to discuss her with me.

My mother also knew and didn't tell me either even when my half sister asked her to.

If it was me i'd contact the daughter directly, personally i'd probably drop another line to the mother and just say you're going to send the daughter a message yourself and that you just wanted to let her know first (not that it should matter because her daughter is an adult but some people can be funny like that)

Fittle

The mother hasn't gotten back to me at all, so I'll leave it at that, but thanks. I do think issues like your and men are alot to do with men (particularly) who can't deal with emotion of any sort so they have a tendancy to block it out - how they do that successfully is anyones guess, but there are many boys like my lad I'm sure, who's dad have just continued to live their lives completely ignoring the fact that they have a son/daughter 3 miles away.

Anyway, I'm on 2wks hols from today and we've loads to look forward to;)

Fittle

Well, she contacted me and said that her daughter said no, she can't meet him.
so I've done what I can. Oh well:mad:

Tayla

Aw that is a pity, do you know this womans personality well enough to know if she really did ask her?

I know it sounds strange to suggest that maybe she just 'pretended' to ask her but I know from experience how weird people can act in these situations.

Fittle

Tayla wrote: »

Aw that is a pity, do you know this womans personality well enough to know if she really did ask her?

I know it sounds strange to suggest that maybe she just 'pretended' to ask her but I know from experience how weird people can act in these situations.

Good question, and the answer is no, I don't. We have only ever been in contact via email with 2 phonecalls over the years. However, I know she had a pretty bad relationship with her ex (my ex also) and hasn't spoken to him in years (they weren't talking when we were in a relationship either) so I can't imagine she would not ask the girl. I suppose she might be lying, but I've no way of proving it.

Tayla

Fittle wrote: »

Good question, and the answer is no, I don't. We have only ever been in contact via email with 2 phonecalls over the years. However, I know she had a pretty bad relationship with her ex (my ex also) and hasn't spoken to him in years (they weren't talking when we were in a relationship either) so I can't imagine she would not ask the girl. I suppose she might be lying, but I've no way of proving it.

Ah it's such a hard situation for you to be in but you're right, the fact that she has a bad relationship with her ex would suggest to me that she would have no reason to lie to you.

Enjoy your 2 weeks holidays Fittle!

Dilbert75

Just remember OP that if you hadn't had your relationship with your son's dad, you wouldn't have your son. So something good came out of it. Probably not much more by the sounds of it!:o

Also, its easy to forget that he has probably spent the last number of years poisoning his daughter's mind against you. If he wanted you to have a termination, and you refused and eventually pursued him for maintenance, he will probably have resented not getting his own way and will have made sure everyone knew about it.

Unfortunately she's probably still a bit immature to see it that way and, if she has a relationship with his youngest, she's probably concerned that he will cut that off if she goes against him.

So its possibly not as straightforward as it seems from your point of view. But its nasty all the same. I guess its hard to explain to a 9 year old how people related to him have no interest in knowing him and why he can't fit in with his friends who have siblings.

Hopefully some day she'll see sense and/or he'll become comfortable with the fact that its outside his (and your) control and is neither your fault nor your choice - its just the way it is.