Should I contact her again??

The Corinthian

Fittle wrote: »

Well, she contacted me and said that her daughter said no, she can't meet him.
so I've done what I can. Oh well:mad:

I'm sorry to hear that. I would still suggest to him, when he is older, to try to contact her directly for two reasons:

Firstly, she is twenty and at that age she's barely an adult. As has been pointed out people are not only still dreadfully narcissistic at that age, but also have not lived long enough to start seeing their parents as the flawed individuals that they are.

I've also known people in this situation and they've admitted that there is an element of being uncomfortable with the idea of having a half-sibling. While some never grow out of this, I have heard of others who have.

Secondly, my suspicion is that your relationship with her father, which by the sounds of things was both belligerent and bitter, may well play a part in her attitude towards your son. While you remain involved in any meeting, she'll have to deal with you to have any contact with him and her feelings towards you may end up effecting her relationship, or lack thereof, with your son.

However, once he is old enough to contact her directly, you're effectively out of the picture. She may always continue to hate you for what you "did" to her father, but it becomes a lot more difficult to damn your son by association when he has become an independent entity.

As a caveat however, there is another reason why it may fail even then, which is that sometimes people are quite cold-blooded about these things; inheritance can be a consideration for her, in that facilitating an 'entry' into the family could in the long term result in her losing out financially. Not a very noble viewpoint, but more commonplace than you'd imagine.

Tayla

The Corinthian wrote: »

As a caveat however, there is another reason why it may fail even then, which is that sometimes people are quite cold-blooded about these things; inheritance can be a consideration for her, in that facilitating an 'entry' into the family could in the long term result in her losing out financially. Not a very noble viewpoint, but more commonplace than you'd imagine.

That's a very good point, my own father actually said that to me in regards to my half sister, that he was trying to protect me financially.....just to point out that that didn't actually influence me because I tried to encourage a relationship with them but it's still a good point and could be a big factor in her decision.

Fittle

Hi all, I've had a well-earned break away from the internet;) You should try it sometime, it's great!
thanks for replies. I told himself that his bigger half-sister had moved to America - I didn't mention it at all to him until the questions started again over this weekend. I just said she had to go there for a job and I didn't know when she'd be back. There are times when the odd white lie is ok, in my opinion.

I agree with you corinthian that of course the girls reluctance is down to whatever she's been told about my relationship with her dad.

As regards the inheritance - my solc already spoke to me about that a few times - according to him, my son is entitled to an equal share of everything if/when his dad dies (he is divoreced from the x-wife and currently living with a new g/f and child). So technically, he should be entitled to one-third of his dads estate - my solc mentioned something about us being able to prove that as he didn't provide for him equally during his life, and that my son might even be entitled to more than a third upon his death.

Anyway, not sure how I'd even find out about his death....but it's a battle I'll fight on behalf of my son, if I have to!!!

The Corinthian

Fittle wrote: »

I agree with you corinthian that of course the girls reluctance is down to whatever she's been told about my relationship with her dad.

In fairness, I don't think it's simply down to whatever she's been told about your relationship with her dad - it seems pretty clear that the relationship is quite belligerent on both sides, to even the casual observer, and naturally this would cause her to side with her father.

As regards the inheritance - my solc already spoke to me about that a few times - according to him, my son is entitled to an equal share of everything if/when his dad dies (he is divoreced from the x-wife and currently living with a new g/f and child). So technically, he should be entitled to one-third of his dads estate - my solc mentioned something about us being able to prove that as he didn't provide for him equally during his life, and that my son might even be entitled to more than a third upon his death.

Well, if his daughter is aware that you are making such enquiries (especially about getting a greater share) a few times, I'm not surprised that she's less than friendly.

TBH, he can easily circumvent such inheritance rights if he wants to, and if he knows you're likely to pursue the issue legally upon his death, he's probably done so already.

Honestly, I genuinely think that your son has the best chance of mending bridges when he's old enough to do so without you in the picture. Until then, there's too much bad blood for it to succeed, from what I can see.

Koltashe

Fittle the girl in question is in her 20's you say, and she knows about your and your little guys existance so wouldn't it be safe to say that if she wanted to meet you guys she would've already done so. At 20 kids these days are very resourcefull and if she wanted to get in touch she would've found you by now. She is entitled (regardless of how painfull it is for you to admit) to not want to meet your son or have any sort of a relationship with him.
It really sounds like you keep building up yours and your sons hopes and expectations, but so far time has shown that she and her family are not interested in keeping in touch with you guys. And it is simply their right. Maybe its time to forget about them, and move on with your life? Do you really need/want them in your life. Rejection is always hard to deal with and accept so maybe stop setting yourself and your lad up for it?

Tayla

Koltashe wrote: »

At 20 kids these days are very resourcefull and if she wanted to get in touch she would've found you by now. She is entitled (regardless of how painfull it is for you to admit) to not want to meet your son or have any sort of a relationship with him.
It really sounds like you keep building up yours and your sons hopes and expectations, but so far time has shown that she and her family are not interested in keeping in touch with you guys. And it is simply their right. Maybe its time to forget about them, and move on with your life? Do you really need/want them in your life. Rejection is always hard to deal with and accept so maybe stop setting yourself and your lad up for it?

Koltashe, I don't think it is fair what you have posted there.

Fittle's son approached her and said he wanted to meet his sister, doesn't she owe it to him to approach the sister on his behalf? Do you think she should have instantly said to "no way, i'm not going to ask her".

What if she had asked her and she had said yes? It was her sons decision and she tried her best.

I don't know where you've gotten the impression from Fittles posts that she's 'setting her son up for disappointment ' Did you not even read Fittles posts?

Koltashe

Tayla wrote: »

Koltashe, I don't think it is fair what you have posted there.

Fittle's son approached her and said he wanted to meet his sister, doesn't she owe it to him to approach the sister on his behalf? Do you think she should have instantly said to "no way, i'm not going to ask her".

What if she had asked her and she had said yes? It was her sons decision and she tried her best.

I don't know where you've gotten the impression from Fittles posts that she's 'setting her son up for disappointment ' Did you not even read Fittles posts?

Yes I did read Fittles posts and from them I can see she has tried and tried and tried yet again to have a relationship with the boys father and sister and every single time she received the one and only answer: No. Quotes from Fittles posts:

I contacted her mum as my then 6yr old was asking about his half-sister. The response I got back was that the girl would feel 'disloyal' to her dad if she saw her half-brother, and that perhaps in a few years she would have matured etc
I contacted his dad a few years ago too, again, just a one lined note to say if he ever wanted to contact him, this was our new address (we had moved alot, I finally bought my own home a few years ago[IMG]file:///C:/Users/Jean/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]). I got a solicitors letter in reply stating that I was harrassing him- that he felt he was doing his duty by paying the (court ordered) maintenance and would not now, and will not ever be interested in having a relationship with the boy
I was delighted that having ignored me through the pregnancy, his dad was now 'on board'. We went to court and (fool that I was then) I told the judge that maintenance didn't matter as he was seeing the child and all I ever wanted was that my son had his father in his life...however, the judge ordered 20e a week maintenance anyway. We walked out the door - his dad said he wouldn't be seeing the boy again after that day, and he hasn't.
but despite 2 notes to him in 9yrs, he has stuck to his word and won't see his son.


And Fittle herself said here numerously that she doubts that the girl will get in touch now or ever, again quotes:



Given that both she and her mum know where to contact him, it's pretty obvious she won't be getting in touch with him anytime soon!
I'm almost tempted to let him write to her himself...but then he'll be waiting for a reply and (probably) won't get one which will break his heart....

So if each attempt to contact these people ends up in pain and hurt to herslf and her son, and frankly she does not expect them to respond differently would it not make sense to just stop trying, and spare herself and her son all the pain?

Tayla

Koltashe wrote: »

Yes I did read Fittles posts and from them I can see she has tried and tried and tried yet again to have a relationship with the boys father and sister and every single time she received the one and only answer: No. Quotes from Fittles posts:



And Fittle herself said here numerously that she doubts that the girl will get in touch now or ever, again quotes:



Given that both she and her mum know where to contact him, it's pretty obvious she won't be getting in touch with him anytime soon!
I'm almost tempted to let him write to her himself...but then he'll be waiting for a reply and (probably) won't get one which will break his heart....

So if each attempt to contact these people ends up in pain and hurt to herslf and her son, and frankly she does not expect them to respond differently would it not make sense to just stop trying, and spare herself and her son all the pain?

2 notes to the dad in 9 years and 2 to the girl, 1. when she was still a teenager and now another one when she's 20 is hardly going over the top is it.

She was trying to respect her sons wishes. I don't think parents have a right to decide to deny their childrens own wishes, her son asked, she tried her best, unfortunately it didn't work out.

I don't think Fittle cares about her own feelings in this, just her sons.

Koltashe

Fittle wrote: »

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated thanks...

Tayla, those were my thoughts no need to argue if my oppinion is not the same as yours.

Tayla

Koltashe wrote: »

Tayla, those were my thoughts no need to argue if my oppinion is not the same as yours.

I'm not arguing with you, read my posts again, where did I argue with you? I just find it mind boggling that you would take what Fittle did and try to make out that she's the one setting him up for disappointment.

Koltashe

The girl and her father made it very clear long ago where they stand, and if they change their mind Fittle made it very clear where and how to find her and her son. So far the lot of them chose not to do so. Thus in my oppinion trying to contact them and getting hopes up that they might respond differently is setting one up for disapointment. I did not say Fittle is causing the disapointment, she is not, the father and the girl are, but she is setting herself and her son up for it when she tries to contact them.

Tayla

The dad will probably never change but the girl is still young and may change her mind.

She guarded her son from the truth as best she could by saying that the girl was gone travelling.

What were her other options?

1. Tell him she doesn't want to know, I don't think that that is approapriate for a 9 year old and I also think it would do more harm than good.

2. Refuse to contact the sister, I've said before and i'll say it again that I don't think a parent should do that, what if they both wanted to meet each other but it had been the parents stopping that from happening, that's not right.

I think Fittle made the best out of a bad situation and as she mentioned it'll probably buy her a few more years rather than having to tell him that she doesn't want to know.

nesbitt

After reading through the posts here. I know that OP kind of came to her own conclusion by telling her young lad that the half sister had moved to America...

However I wonder if the 20 year old half sister has ever really been told by her mother about the request to meet up. After all, was contact not made through her mother? Perhaps the mother has lied and said that the 20 year old half sister does not want to meet. Just struck me that could be the case.

I have dealt with a similar situation for my eldest daughter. Some of her friends have 'no Dad', others have absent Dads, others have Mam & Dad together unhappily, some have Mam & Dad together seemingly happy. She is matter of fact about this and does not seem to dwell on a 'correct' type family unit.

OP, I know it may seem a bit of a 'Barney' comment but really at the end of the day the most important relationships to your son will be the loving ones he has already. Firstly you and your family and friends. Please build on what you have and forget the corrosive selfish people from your past.

Fittle

The Corinthian wrote: »

In fairness, I don't think it's simply down to whatever she's been told about your relationship with her dad - it seems pretty clear that the relationship is quite belligerent on both sides, to even the casual observer, and naturally this would cause her to side with her father.

Well, if his daughter is aware that you are making such enquiries (especially about getting a greater share) a few times, I'm not surprised that she's less than friendly.

How on earth do you think the daughter would have a clue I was enquiring about this??? It was my solicitor who brought this whole thing up, not me! I didn't 'enquire' - I was told about it.

Fittle

for the record anyway guys, I've given up the ghost on this completely.

I won't be contacting any of them ever again - I've done as much as I can do, thinking it was the right thing to do in each case.

All numbers/fb contacts have been deleted etc - so that's it, time for us to move on! Not that it's something he or I have 'hankered' after - but when he mentions it, it becomes an 'issue'.

thanks again guys.