invasion of privacy for no reason

username123

sunflower27 wrote: »

Indeed. I think for most people that do decide to cut a family member out of their life, it is not a knee-jerk reaction, but a case of 'the final straw'.

This is an excellent point Sunflower and would go a long way to explaining why the OP felt so upset at their privacy being invaded. Its usually a very 'final straw' decision to cut contact with family, not a decision taken lightly, and would come with a massive amount of gut wrenching emotions, guilt, fear, hurt, anger etc.... Its not easy to get over this kind of trauma, and for the very people who caused this trauma in the first place to suddenly appear with the landlord and try to gain access to your home would definitely explain a strong emotional response.

Its not rocket science, if you have been hurt enough by your family to cut contact, any contact they try to force is going to be upsetting.

I am a friend

confusedandshocked wrote: »

think she was determined that day to break into my home no matter what and create a conflict situation with her best friend there as an audience, and not to mention my neighbours and the landlord being there. I just can't believe what a thoughtless, selfish bitch she is and I honestly didn't realise just how much until this.

Has she acted like this before?

C-J

Most confusing & mental threads i've read in ages! Family differences aside, how can somebody 'break into your home' when you answered the door?! Even the thought of going legal with this is craaaazy! I used to live in a busy street in galway, and if i took every student that knocked on my door in the early hours to court I'd be sitting on a nice wad of cash in my own caribbean island! The fact you can't eat or sleep is also puzzling, it's a non issue imo

tinkerbell

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I really don't think there was anything dodgy at work here- she did try to call her several times during the day. My first reaction would be that there was something wrong?

The OP had got a couple of missed calls from his estranged sister earlier that day - ONE day. A normal person does not suddenly freak out and show up at someone's house because the person did not answer their phone that day. It would be different if the OP was being contacted by someone who is in touch with him every day and would find it odd if the OP did not respond to a phonecall / text / whatever.

This case is entirely different. It sounds to me like the sister doesn't have her head screwed on right if she just shows up at her estranged brother in the middle of the night trying to break into his house.

Lollipops23

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree with this.

If something was wrong, the sister could have left a voice message saying please call urgently. To get the landlord involved after so long being out of touch is very odd behaviour - especially when no voice message was ever left.

I agree it wasn't the smartest thing to get the landlord involved (especially as he probably didn't realise the specifics of the situation), and most people would give it a day or two before freaking out.

But what's really leaping off the page at me is how caustic the OP is about it- now, I don't know why you fell out with your family, and I'm not suggesting you try to mend fences when you clearly don't want to. But you're getting extremely defensive just because people are trying to explain your sister's side.

Please stop freaking out at people. Let your sis know it's not ok behaviour and move on.

Swampy

OP, you obviously have issues. If you never speak to her sister, how can you know is she was lying. Perhaps she thought that you were in danger or something may have happened to you.
With no background that's all I can think of.

LegacyUser

Swampy wrote:

OP, you obviously have issues. If you never speak to her sister, how can you know is she was lying. Perhaps she thought that you were in danger or something may have happened to you.
With no background that's all I can think of.

I know she was lying because I heard her outside of my door when the LL asked when she'd last heard from me. She said "about 6 weeks", a complete lie as the last time I made any contact was a text I sent in reply about a year ago. And she had not made any proper contact since then either. There was one text from her in June just just passing on a message from someone else who was unable to text me themselves, but it didn't need a reply, so i didn't reply. Does this answer your question? Thanks for saying I have 'issues' though, before even asking your question.

LegacyUser

It's obvious from the initial post that your sister arrived with the landlord looking for access because she expected to find you dead, injured, or seriously ill. You're just very lucky she didn't arrive with the Gardai. How often do we read stories of some poor old dear found mummified in their apartment having been dead for weeks and we wonder did they not have any friends or relatives who cared and who would have been concerned.
But I do see your point about the lack of contact for 5 years and suddenly there's all of this commotion. If there had been regular contact and then silence for a few days then I'd understand her point in getting the landlord but in this case you say there was no contact for 5 years and then all of this commotion....I'm on your side and wonder what her motivation to get over excited about was. Maybe you are better off without such a drama filled family.

LegacyUser

please_find_me_alone_and_mummified wrote: »

It's obvious from the initial post that your sister arrived with the landlord looking for access because she expected to find you dead, injured, or seriously ill. You're just very lucky she didn't arrive with the Gardai. How often do we read stories of some poor old dear found mummified in their apartment having been dead for weeks and we wonder did they not have any friends or relatives who cared and who would have been concerned.
But I do see your point about the lack of contact for 5 years and suddenly there's all of this commotion. If there had been regular contact and then silence for a few days then I'd understand her point in getting the landlord but in this case you say there was no contact for 5 years and then all of this commotion....I'm on your side and wonder what her motivation to get over excited about was. Maybe you are better off without such a drama filled family.

But this is ridiculous! I'm a young healthy person, there's no reason for anyone to think otherise. And dead people don't pay their rent and have their phone ringing! My phone rang out that evening, was this not a clue that it was charged and switched on as it had been off when she tried it earlier? I mean does everyone who loses touch with someone in their lives at some point whether it's a friend or whoever, do you think the person must be dead now just because there's no contact?
What you don't seem to get is that this dramatic storyline you describe is exactly how she wanted it to look, I can say this because I grew up with this person and I know what she's like. And it's not about sides. I want to protect myself in a situation like this where a family wants to bully someone else who doesnt' want to know them, that's all I was concerned about.

Distorted

So you stopped contact with them, presumably because early on you realised the way they behave annoys you. (and possibly because you are the sort of person who has the ability to block people out like that, which not everyone can understand as you do sound quite emotionless, however its your choice).

Your family are the drama filled type who like nothing better than to play the blame game, insinuate there is something wrong with you and create a drama enhancing their "caring attitude" by doing what your sister did?

Is this right, do you think? If so, I think your sister stepped way over the line in doing what she did. Its clear they want some form of contact, but it seems to be on their terms, with you somehow made out to look as though you are at fault for stopping contact.

Anyway, you have to move forwards from it now. Inform your sister that what she did was OTT (she will no doubt disagree), stop contact again and warn your landlord about them. Thought I wouldn't be surprised to find them outside your door one day. I guess you could move and not inform them of your new address if it really becomes a problem?

I take it you had very good reason to stop the contact with them in the first place?

solovely

I've read this whole post since it started, and I am still as confused as I was at the start. It's nice to see you've got some more support since the beginning from people who understand your situation, but you really have done yourself no favours, and as Distorted points out, you paint yourself as emotionless.

Without providing us with any information whatsoever as to why you don't speak to your family, you also come across as a bit irrational, self obsessed and unable to look at things from outside your own perspective. That said, all of this may be justified if we knew the background, so I'm not judging you.

I know, I for one, could not accept your sister's behaviour not knowing why she did it. You seem to have no desire to understand why she did it, which I find very strange, except to point blame and look for justification for your anger. People have pointed out lots of reasons why she may have done what she did, unacceptable as it was, but you continuously either refute these, jump on the defensive or ignore it. I'm not sure what you came on here for, other than to have people tell you, yes you are right for getting angry with someone who did something unacceptable for which we have no understanding why? There are two sides to every story, and you appear intent on getting justification for yours without giving even a tiny bit of the other side.

Maybe a blog is where you should be venting, rather than in an advice forum?

That said, I'm glad you are finding help from other people's posts, and hope you can move past this and that your sister does leave you alone and lets you get rid of the bitterness and anger you are still holding. Best of luck

muboop1

Dude this is ridiculous.

You want to know what caused her to call to your door? You want to know her motives? Then ask her? You had multiple opportunities.

You state that if they need to contact you they know your number etc, but you don't even answer your phone!

You are being contradictory here...

You can't eat and sleep? Overreacting I believe. I do not know what you went through or what bad memories it brought up, but what if she had valid reason to contact you? Surely she would not have gone to such effort otherwise?

You are being very judgmental and frankly overreacting without even attempting to work out all the details first!

Taltos

OP - I am a little surprised but also not at some of the reactions you are getting here.

Something to remind yourself is that few (hopefully) know how badly a toxic family can impact someone.
I am glad you escaped yours.
Do what you can to protect yourself - free legal aid; registered letter; talk to the gardai - anything.

The whole situation stinks to be honest - but don't let what happened pull you back or lose the ground you had gained over the last few years.

Do what you can to stay calm and think this through - but at some point get that advice or do something - otherwise overthinking it all or getting opposing advice here including the well meant ones will just pull you down.

Wishing you all the best
T

Angeles

OP again wrote: »

But this is ridiculous! I'm a young healthy person, there's no reason for anyone to think otherise. And dead people don't pay their rent and have their phone ringing!

This is where your whole argument keeps tripping up and falling over, your providing a massive assumption that people don't act like this when it comes to the potential death of a family member!

In your mind they have to be crazy, but your completely ignoring how a thought works.

Lets say I'm your new best friend and i ask you how your family is?
you respond with, "ahh i don't keep in contact, not seen in such and such years."
I ask "have you spoken at all or heard anything?"
you say "no, no contact what so ever with any family i keep it this way"
So i ask, "what if your sister was in a serious accident, would that bother you?"

Now, unless you have some deep traumatic history with your sister to which you do actually wish death on the girl you very likely spent your childhood with.. you will think about this question and it will eat away at you like an itch, to the point you may feel the need to drop a call to provide that little scratch.

Ok no answer, sure phone might be off, will try in a few hours,
no answer again, keeps going to voice.
you will start to worry a bit

Now you might call around your family asking, just checking if anyone has heard anything, and the get the responses you don't wanna hear, but realize that it all could be nothing to worry about anyway, now this could go on for a couple of hours even days.

So you might take it a step further and call round to the house to which you have your scenario!

This is all normal human reaction about someone you still care about, even if you've not spoken to in years. Allot of people here understand this is a possibility and have replied in kind to which you have either misunderstood or deemed as crazy. To which has made you yourself come across as an unreasonable person with a strong lack of empathy.

Your landlord shouldn't be held responsible for anything in this case, your sister claimed to be your sister and probably has the ID to prove it.
The knock on effect is him also being human and maybe panicking a little over the news you might be in danger.

Granted everything here to you was all in the wrong, causing you to be truly outraged.. but your reaction is also another reason for concern.

If this theory is true, then you have told a very concerned sister to go and shove it before even putting a shred of concern as to the situation in the first place.

You have then sat down, thought about the whole situation and formulated a post which does everything to put her in the wrong. This shows a strong lack of basic humanity towards your sister a general hate, which is not mentioned by you, but shown in your reactions.

All of this can be read with a good level of empathy, which is a very strong quality in the posters on PI.

Before going down any legal routes
It is very clear you are cold and emotionless when it comes to them, which is also read as some serious underlying cause based on empathy.

So I would suggest following the advice of tallon in a post at the start involving sending a letter to your family to cut all contact, and treat this as a one off!

The fact this has not happened more then once in 5 years, logically suggests there is no further need for concern on your behalf.

neuro-praxis

Angeles, your post is typical of someone who thinks that because they have experienced small tiffs with family members they know what they are talking about.

When someone decides to cut their immediate family from their lives it is typically due to years of systematic abuse. Having made this decision and come to terms with it, you do not, then, lie awake at night wondering if the people you have painfully erected boundaries against in your life have been in a car accident. And if they have these kinds of worries about you, they make attempts, presumably, to reconcile. Not convoluted crap such as turning up at the house at night and spinning a yarn to the landlord.

I actually feel very angry on the OP's part that they are being told that they are cold and emotionless. Seriously, how dare you? Nobody here has any clue what this person has been through. The presumptions are really quite staggering. If a drop-in visit from a family member causes them such distress that they cannot eat and sleep then surely even the slowest people reading this thread can imagine what this family member may have put them through in the past?

OP remember that feelings are only feelings, and how you are feeling now will pass. You know what is best to do for yourself. Give yourself what you need to be calm and at peace with things, whatever that might be.

LegacyUser

solovely wrote: »

I've read this whole post since it started, and I am still as confused as I was at the start. It's nice to see you've got some more support since the beginning from people who understand your situation, but you really have done yourself no favours, and as Distorted points out, you paint yourself as emotionless.

Without providing us with any information whatsoever as to why you don't speak to your family, you also come across as a bit irrational, self obsessed and unable to look at things from outside your own perspective. That said, all of this may be justified if we knew the background, so I'm not judging you.

I know, I for one, could not accept your sister's behaviour not knowing why she did it. You seem to have no desire to understand why she did it, which I find very strange, except to point blame and look for justification for your anger. People have pointed out lots of reasons why she may have done what she did, unacceptable as it was, but you continuously either refute these, jump on the defensive or ignore it. I'm not sure what you came on here for, other than to have people tell you, yes you are right for getting angry with someone who did something unacceptable for which we have no understanding why? There are two sides to every story, and you appear intent on getting justification for yours without giving even a tiny bit of the other side.

Maybe a blog is where you should be venting, rather than in an advice forum?

That said, I'm glad you are finding help from other people's posts, and hope you can move past this and that your sister does leave you alone and lets you get rid of the bitterness and anger you are still holding. Best of luck

Why should I "provide you with information"? And what exactly do you want to know anyway? I have answered people's questions, I don't know how much more information I can provide. And then you suggest that I'm saying too much and that I should write a blog! Can you make up your mind?! If what I've said is not enough for you then maybe you should find your entertainment somewhere else because I don't think you're reading or posting to be helpful. As for your comment about being "self-obsessed", in case you haven't noticed this issue does concern me as the person who was affected and I'm telling it from my own point of view, so I don't know what else you expect. You don't even know me and yet you want to judge my whole character and throw words around without even realising what you're saying? I do post here myself sometimes as a registered poster and I would not see the point in responding to a PI if I had nothing helpful to say to the person, but each to their own. Although you say you've read the thread from the beginning, you have not understood anything, and that's fine, but why post then.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

So you stopped contact with them, presumably because early on you realised the way they behave annoys you. (and possibly because you are the sort of person who has the ability to block people out like that, which not everyone can understand as you do sound quite emotionless, however its your choice).

Stopping contact was gradual and intermittant through the years, and any contact there's ever been became toxic in some way. There are also other reasons going much further back which I'd prefer not go into. I am not emotionless, but I see how it could sound like that sometimes.

Your family are the drama filled type who like nothing better than to play the blame game, insinuate there is something wrong with you and create a drama enhancing their "caring attitude" by doing what your sister did?

That's it exactly, or a big part of it. I could add more to this maybe but I've just been accused of all sorts by other posters so best not to say anything. But I appreciate your insight, thank you.

Anyway, you have to move forwards from it now. Inform your sister that what she did was OTT (she will no doubt disagree), stop contact again and warn your landlord about them. Thought I wouldn't be surprised to find them outside your door one day. I guess you could move and not inform them of your new address if it really becomes a problem?

I will probably have to move, I don't think I can continue here knowing they know where I am.

BattleCorp

Lads, you are being a bit harsh on the Landlord. He did pretty much what anyone would do when a family member calls around and says that they haven't seen their Sister in six weeks and that they were worried.

How would the Landlord know the family history, that they were estranged.

Yes, technically what he was about to do was wrong. He didn't actually let anybody into the flat. He let them into the communal hallway. He was about to let them into the flat but was beaten to the door by the OP.

Wouldn't most of us have done the same?

I wouldn't be giving out crap to the landlord, a simple chat about the circumstances and your wish for privacy would be enough for him to ensure it doesn't happen again.

LegacyUser

please_find_me_alone_and_mummified wrote: »

But I do see your point about the lack of contact for 5 years and suddenly there's all of this commotion. If there had been regular contact and then silence for a few days then I'd understand her point in getting the landlord but in this case you say there was no contact for 5 years and then all of this commotion....I'm on your side and wonder what her motivation to get over excited about was. Maybe you are better off without such a drama filled family.

OP again wrote: »

What you don't seem to get is that this dramatic storyline you describe is exactly how she wanted it to look, I can say this because I grew up with this person and I know what she's like.

I'm beginning to change my mind on all of this, the OP clearly has tunnel vision and doesn't read beyond what she wants to read even when someone is supporting her (as above in quotes)......could this in fact be her attitude when dealing with her family.

thefeatheredcat

OP, tbh if someone from my past that had a negative affect on me that I thought was well clear of and would not expect to hear from turned up on my door unexpected and unannounced out of the blue I'd be freaked out. Completely. I've left a difficult past behind me that every once in a while has a habit of turning up in the present some how or other. And I would certainly be totally freaked out that someone who doesn't have my address has managed not only to show up at my door, but has contacted the landlord too and involved them in a very private matter (and I would be looking into how they got my residential address).

I think everyone has lost sight in the fact it's a family member/blood relation - it doesn't matter who they are, it is the negative effect they have had on the OP as a result of their actions that matters and how they accessed all this information.

Whatever she was there at the door for is irrelevant imo - it's the fact that she was there at all is the problem.

OP I would take on board what Taltos offered.... In your shoes, I'd be checking up on where my residential address is available publically, starting with the voting register. Then I would do whatever next to make sure those kind of details aren't available. I would contact the Gardai even if just to find out information on how I can protect myself, get legal advice, whatever it takes, I would do it.

From my own experiences with some rather dodgy people from my past, I wouldn't want them to know where I live, so I can live happily without that niggling feeling that they knew or looking over my shoulder as that made me very paranoid some years ago with a situation that arose, but it still kept me moving house several times and I never left a forwarding address, for the lack of trust of the person themselves and that information, rather than the neighbours/housemates/landlord in passing it on without realising the situation.

If you thinking moving is best OP, and will put your mind at rest and make you feel safe, do it (edit: as a short term solution to a long term issue, you shouldn't feel like you have to move or feel forced to do so). The main priority here is you feeling safe and protected again.

animaal

OP, a few things jump out at me. In the context of a visit from your sister, you talk about not feeling safe, protecting yourself, about not being able to sleep, about needing to move out.

Your sister's actions on this day appear strange, but we don't know her reasons. She was in the hall/lobby outside your flat, on one day in five years. In itself, that's not particularly threatening. The way you describe her reactions (complying with your wish that she leave), and the fact that the landlord was there too would make it appear that there was no aggression intended on her part.

If there's some history of physical abuse from your sister, then you're right to feel unsafe - it's definitely a matter for the guards. However, otherwise, I think you've been overreacting. I could understand annoyance, even shock. It may be that this visit has brought emotions to the surface that you've been suppressing.

midlandsmissus

You can't blame the people on this thread. I'd say it's nigh hard to imagine for most people the idea of being completely estranged from a family member.
They read the op's post and think of their own brother or sister just calling over.

But you can be complete strangers with members of your own family.

In my case I hadn't seen an immediate member of my family for 14 years, his choice, due to abandoning us basically, and after countless unanswered letters, I went over (to another country) and turned up on his door unannounced. Shocked the life out of him. But I was glad I did it just to see him and get some closure.

Your sister I would imagine is doing the same. You can be estranged for years and then just have a really strong urge to go and see them, to see how they are, if they're alright, you can be estranged but still think about them. Anyway your case is undoubtedly different to mine, but I'm just giving my two cents. I'd say she got hit by a strong "life's too short - I have to see her" urge.

Contact her, tell you're ok and you would prefer her not calling around again. You're in shock at the moment - my family member nearly keeled over when he saw me, it's very strange seeing close family who is also a stranger, I felt it aswell, it's such a weird feeling, but chin up and try learn from the experience .

looky loo

midlandsmissus wrote: »

You can't blame the people on this thread. I'd say it's nigh hard to imagine for most people the idea of being completely estranged from a family member.
They read the op's post and think of their own brother or sister just calling over.

But you can be complete strangers with members of your own family.

In my case I hadn't seen an immediate member of my family for 14 years, his choice, due to abandoning us basically, and after countless unanswered letters, I went over (to another country) and turned up on his door unannounced. Shocked the life out of him. But I was glad I did it just to see him and get some closure.

Your sister I would imagine is doing the same. You can be estranged for years and then just have a really strong urge to go and see them, to see how they are, if they're alright, you can be estranged but still think about them. Anyway your case is undoubtedly different to mine, but I'm just giving my two cents. I'd say she got hit by a strong "life's too short - I have to see her" urge.

Contact her, tell you're ok and you would prefer her not calling around again. You're in shock at the moment - my family member nearly keeled over when he saw me, it's very strange seeing close family who is also a stranger, I felt it aswell, it's such a weird feeling, but chin up and try learn from the experience .

The point being would you have gone to his landlord to try and gain access to his house if you couldnt get in?

I'm with the op on this, it would be different if you had gotten a text first to say 'hey Im worried about you/theres news in the family etc. But nothing, sounds like a scouting mission to gain access to her house for god knows what ends, burglary/nosiness/a place to crash for the nite. I would be very upset over it, nobody has a right to try to gain access to any persons place, regardless of family issues. Some families are toxic and in order to survive/maintain sanity you have to distance yourself from them.

LegacyUser

looky loo wrote: »

I'm with the op on this, it would be different if you had gotten a text first to say 'hey Im worried about you/theres news in the family etc. But nothing,

Well, it appears the sister called and the call was ignored, so that isn't "nothing".

confusedandshocked wrote: »

.....forgot to turn the phone off and there's a call - it's from my sister, I don't answer and go back to sleep. About 40 mintues later, while fast asleep, I'm woken by some noise and voices outside my door, to my shock I hear my sister's voice right outside and knocking on my door and calling my name out for everyone to hear, how did she get here, she's never been here before and we haven't met in about 5 years. I'm awake now wondering what's wrong, but I've no wish to see or speak to her, and not now anyway!

So I look at my phone to see what's wrong, but no texts, no calls, it doesn't make sense...

This doesn't make sense to me; either the sister called or she didn't.

Eric Cartman

OP just a few points on this

1) sounds pretty mental, I honestly have no idea what your going through and I wish you all the best dealing with this headcase of a sister you have

2) replying to others on the topic of the landlord, ok so most people are saying dont blame the landlord, well hes partially responsible , if your sister contacted him he should have contacted you himself first, or at worst case he should have gone into the flat alone and left your sister outside , she should never have been allowed in.

3) Id probably contact a solicitor and word your sister and family a very specific letter stating that you never want to be contacted in person ever again and only phone contact will be acceptable.

4) I dont know how crazy your sister really is , but as to why she wanted access to your flat is beyond me. If you think there may be any kind of fraud/theft/trying to find something out going on id do 2 things, get yourself a small safe and keep all your passport/bills/important stuff you need in there, also get a security shredder and shred any bills, receipts, invoices, letters with account numbers or personal return addresses before you bin them.

LegacyUser

Im with the OP on this too,

The OP Came on here to vent because she couldnt sleep after this had happened she just wrote what she was feeling straight up in a tizzy, She said she wanted to vent, not to have to explain her past or anything else, I am also not in contact with my family and have also grown more for the better since, i never lived with my Dad and my mother left when i was 18 sold our house and moved to another country she didnt care about me after that and ran after a new man as usual, she had been badly physically abusive and my Dad sexually abusive, the level of toxic behaviour robbed me of my childhood and my spirit for many years.... just because i want to open up about that doesnt mean the op has to.

There are many many people who do not get on with family members, i i have experienced sooo many people who just dont get why i am on my own with no parents and siblings in my life. I dont think i have to justify it to anyone anymore my truth is my truth and i have to take responsibility for myself and create the best life i can. Sounds like the OP is doing the same, and it can be very hard are festive times with no family its not easy and to create a good life takes a while with new people coming and going all the time.

MY sisters are very toxic, my older sister bullied me and abused me all my life, i had to live with her and her child when i was 20 and let her abuse me ohysically and mentally or she would not let me see my nephew who she was beating and not feeding or looking after properly, anyway she was one of those people who just doesnt know how to respect boundaries, she would barge her way into my places of home and she was always trying to hurt me. Eventually i cut all contact with her and managed to keep her out of my life, i was able to have head space to heal then. The OP may have just been distraught that night and came across this forum and decided to reach out for help, she may not be used to expressing herself like i have about the whole story and how things come about but i felt she was attacked and judged too harshly by people who have no experience of what she was going through, to me i have found it is one thing that many people just dont understand how you can be strangers with your family. The OP is not out there on drugs feeling sorry for herself she is trying her best to get on with things and i think she should be supported and commended.


If my sister turned up like that i would be shaken up as well and i would feel violated that she had done it and i would worry she would do it again, thats why the OP is talking legal terms and why the landlord came into question, she wants to protect herself at all cost, because it looks like no one else has ever feckin protected her and all she has is herself.


I wish you the best OP and i hope you feel better and safe soon

krudler

your landlord is in no way at fault here, if I was renting out a house and someone contacted me saying they were my tenants sister hadnt heard from them in 6 weeks or longer and were worried they were dead or something then I'd have done the same, I doubt the landlord was thinking "I better leave them outside in case they're estranged and my tenant doesnt want to contact this woman and let them in when I've found a dead body in there" your issues are with your sister, did you ask her what she wanted there and then? or are you just expecting random strangers on the internet to fill in the blanks for you?

OS119

krudler wrote: »

our issues are with your sister, did you ask her what she wanted there and then? or are you just expecting random strangers on the internet to fill in the blanks for you?

while i agree absolutely about the actions of the landlord, i have a problem with the 'why didn't you ask her why she was there?' camp.

if you had real, serious news (death, serious illness etc...) to give to an estranged sibling, would you quietly walk off after they'd said 'piss off', or would you have made some effort to tell them anyway? would you not have thought that a text (far more likely to be caught than a single phone call) saying 'i've got some news, could you contact me?' would be far more effective in actually generating contact - and civilised, renewable contact at that - than charging round to a place were you don't even know they'll be, and using a method (the deception) that is going to ensure that it'll all end in tears?

i simply cannot believe that any person with the ability to tie their own shoelaces could possibly have thought that this would be a 'good' way to pass on news, or to make any kind of contact that had anything to do with being concerned about the OP. so, given what i've written above, i do not believe that the sister had important news to tell the OP, or that she wanted to contact the OP to check they were ok, and possibly to renew contact on a more long-term basis.

i believe, from the way the OP has described the situation, that the sister had no motive other than 'how dare you live your life without us' - 'how dare you not come crawling back to us'. nothing in the way she built up to this incident, or in the way she conducted herself during the incident, could possibly indicate any kind of concern for the OP.

OP, i'd move. previously your family had observed the 'cease-fire' - each knew how to contact the other should that have been neccesary, but refrained from contact otherwise. this situation has now changed - if you believe that what i have surmised is probably reasonably accurate, you now know that at least your sister is prepared to continue whatever delightful family relationship that lead up to your estrangement. you will probably find that you no longer feel happy at your current address - probably you will feel exposed and crap yourself whenever the doorbell rings, or when a strange/familiar car parks in your road. move, find somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.

keep your current phone number for the moment, you may find other family members attempt to repair the damage, but obviously don't hesitate to avail yourself of Tesco's 99p SIM card if you start getting abusive or just unwanted texts and phone calls...

good luck.

BnB

Hi OP

I read your first post and I though to myself - Way OTT - She is your sister. She tried to ring you first. Get over it FFS...

But... I am very lucky in that I come from a close family and while we will p1ss and moan about each other as all family's do, they are all good people....So I suppose I find it hard to relate to where you are coming from. But the more I read through the thread, and hear from people who have found themselves in a similar situation to yourself, the more I have come around to your way of thinking.

You cannot just show up at someone's house and try to break in. Whether it's by breaking a window or spinning some yarn to a landlord, it is the same thing IMO, breaking in. What would she have done if you weren't there...? Poked around in your stuff....? Rooted through your fridge...? Looked for money...?

There were an awful lot of things she could have done before going to that level. I know she tried to ring you that evening and probably during the day when your phone was off. But she should have at least left a message. She could have texted you. She could have stuck a note through the letterbox for you when she had been there earlier. She could have e-mailed you.

Not knowing her and you - I don't know if her actions were driven by arrogance - in that she thought it was ok to do this - or was it just mis-guided - dumb but just a big mistake.

There is just one thing that I cannot still get my head around, and I know you are probably getting sick of hearing this, but I just don't understand it. That is why you are not even curious as to why she called around. Yes - she complete overstepped the boundary - by a country mile - but why ? Then again, if I was to be honest with you, I don't know if I want you to know..... or if I'd just really like to know myself..!!!!

Anyway, I hope you feel better. From your first postings, you were certainly very shook by the whole thing. I hope things work out ok for you.

september2

BnB wrote: »

There were an awful lot of things she could have done before going to that level. I know she tried to ring you that evening and probably during the day when your phone was off. But she should have at least left a message. She could have texted you. She could have stuck a note through the letterbox for you when she had been there earlier. She could have e-mailed you.

Not knowing her and you - I don't know if her actions were driven by arrogance - in that she thought it was ok to do this - or was it just mis-guided - dumb but just a big mistake.

There is just one thing that I cannot still get my head around, and I know you are probably getting sick of hearing this, but I just don't understand it. That is why you are not even curious as to why she called around. Yes - she complete overstepped the boundary - by a country mile - but why ? Then again, if I was to be honest with you, I don't know if I want you to know..... or if I'd just really like to know myself..!!!!

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I can understand why some people want to know the reason. But really, I don't think there was any good reason, not even from her point of view. My impression, from seeing her face for a few seconds, the texts she sent afterwards was that it was just like a previous poster said, it was some sort of scouting mission. I could tell you exactly what she said, but I don't want it picked apart on a public forum like this.
It's possible she may not have thought it through properly, and felt she had to act if someone gave her the landlords number, for appearances sake because she was not there by herself. Another reason could have been pressure from parents putting her up to it. Another reason I can think of is she wanted to look like she was 'the caring sister' in the eyes of her friends. I don't know what she would have told these friends about me, it's possible they may have asked about me at some point as we all went to the same school, even though that's a long time ago, but this would explain why she brought her friend along, whereas it would have been more honest and 'caring', if she'd arrived on her own, I might even have at least heard her out and if she'd gone about it properly, but then this would mean she'd have to be a different person. The previous poster is completely right in what he says that her motivations were not about caring or reconciliation, OS119, thanks a lot for your post, you have a lot of insight and made some things clear for me.

I don't have time now to answer all the replies, some are very understanding and thank you so much for taking the time, but also I just want to put this behind me as much as possible.