How do you handle friends who think they know what is "right for you"?

LegacyUser

Ma father passed away last month and my mother is going through the grief process. I'm home visiting her and she seems to be doing just fine. She's got her moments, but it is natural and normal to cry. They started dating in Junior High and were married for 55 years.

The problem is she really just wants to spend some time sorting through her finances, my father's things and being in her home. She doesn't want to be flitting about. But some of her friends are really on her case and won't leave her alone. They actually just show up at the house trying to drag her out.

She's not depressed, she's grieving. And she doesn't want to be rude to these people, but she says she's ready to buy a BB gun and shoot them as they come down her driveway ;-)

Any advice?

Chick

Napper Hawkins

I'd go with the BB gun!

LegacyUser

Napper, I love you!! These friends of my Ma's are just way too much!!

Doogieboogie

Hi Chickpee,

first off, my condolences on your loss. It must be so hard to lose a father and support your mum, too. I'm widowed, 18months, so I know what it feels like, and believe me, I wasn't ready to go out even to the shops for weeks and weeks. Socialising of any kind, even meeting a friend for coffee, took months, and when it started, it was done very much at my own pace. I'm only just starting now to go to nights out, and then only ones I think I can handle. I often cancel last minute.

These friends are only trying to help, but they are misguided. I think that a lot of people are uncomfortable with greiving. They would prefer to see your mum out and about and getting back to ''normal''. However, for your mum, losing her husband of 55 years means that ''normal'' is changed forever. If you can, gently tell these friends of your Mum's that what she needs right now is to be supported in doing whatever it is she feels is right - even if they think it's not right, that's not their place to decide. If they won't take gentle persuasion then firmer words are called for. Tell them that they will not be welcome if they don't let her be. It's great that they are there for here, but socialising at this early stage is just too much. Let them know ways in which they can be of use - helping your mum with domestic chores or the garden, helping her with her finances or legal stuff, cooking a meal and dropping round to share it with her, or just sitting with her with a cup of tea and letting her talk about your dad. These are all things that I found helpful in the early stages (if you substitute red wine for tea!)

I posted a thread called ''how you can help me'' on this forum, I got it off a widow's forum that I use. It's a really helpful letter/article that explains what someone needs when they lose their spouse. Have a read - I printed it off and put it on my fridge! It says it all, really.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056312651

easychair

We all have to try to cope with things as best we can. Your Mum's friends are just trying to make sure she is not lonely and left alone, and are thinking of her. Is she not able to explain to them that she wants to be in her house for a while and to sort things out?

Everyone is different, and my mother is a strong person, thankfully. When my father died, she said that she was too long in the tooth to want to sit at home alone and lonely. She has taken art classes, has made new friends and gets involved in her local community, and has made a whole new life for herself.

Everyone knows that the price of love is pain, and for most partnered people that means pain when one dies and leaves the other behind.