Gregory the Depressed Table - The Untold Story

Samuel Potatoes

Chapter 1

Gregory was standing in the kitchen waiting for his owners, the Softies as he calls them, to finish their breakfast. He was, as usual, pondering escape, when he decided on a plan. 'I'll have to discuss this with Terry the Teacup', he thought. So when the Softies left he called Terry over. 'So Terry, I was thinking about heading out tonight!.'
'What? You never go out.' replied Terry. 'The last time you left this kitchen was last year when the pub next door ran out of tables to make a giant Art Attack style picture'
'I know', said Gregory. 'But I've been watching the Television and I seen something called a nite-club. And I really want to go to one. I was thinking it might help with my overwhelming depression.... and yours.'
'What? We're not depressed, we're just not active. We're definitely not depressed. But anyway. That sounds like a good idea. Sure we'll head out tonight! What are you gonna wear?'
'I dunno. What about---- Sssshh the Softies are back!'

Later that night........

Gregory and Terry were walking down main street Knarlford looking for a spot to park their bikes when they spotted a lot of Softies heading into a club. 'Hey, maybe we should try here Gregory', said Terry, who was sitting on Gregory's shoulder. 'Yeah, Okay, sounds good'. So in they went and with surprisingly little hassle from the bouncer, given that they are a table and a tea cup going into a nite-club! When they got inside Terry ordered two Jameson's and Red. They moved over to a corner and sat looking at the fine birds that were walking past. And there they sat, and sat until Gregory said... 'Terry let's do something. I'm sick off people putting their drinks on me. And I wanna get chatting some of those girls'.
'Yeah okay, we'll go and dance now', replied Terry. 'Wait for a second. There's some guys fighting over there, I wanna see what happens.'
'For christ's sake Terry, Let's go now.' And as Gregory said that he looked in horror as one of the guys fighting came crashing toward them, after receiving a good thump in the face from the other guy. In what seemed like slow motion, he came stumbling backward, only to fall across Gregory. Gregory was frantic. 'Terry!!!', he cried. His eyes ran around the surrounding area looking for Terry.. only to find the poor fellow in pieces on the dance floor. 'How could this happen?' he thought. 'Why Terry? He had so much to give.'

And as he walked home after the worst night ever he thought of all the good times he had with Terry the Teacup. His right shoulder felt so bare. He felt more depressed than ever before. And through bitter and wooden tears he mumbled... 'You finally got to dance Terry... You finally got to dance!'


And what's the moral of this story?

Don't fight in Nite-Clubs... You've no idea who's lives you might affect.

---

More to come!

Samuel Potatoes

Chapter 2

For weeks after Terry the Teacup died Gregory was very depressed. He had hit so low he started slitting his wrists, but that made him feel worse because the Softies were blaming their son, little Adam. Oh how he got beat for trying to cut the legs of the table. Over all Gregory was at an all time low. The Softies seemed to have no intention of moving him. The Sitting Room... or even the Hall would do for a change. Just to boost his moral. But all they seemed to do was eat and watch info-mercials about cutlery. Which only made him think about Terry.
But one day, one glorious day, a new arrival... eh.. arrived into the house. A Red Sauce Bottle. Oh, Gregory wasn't sure what to make of him... but he was willing to try a friendship. So a few hours after the bottle arrived Gregory introduced himself!
'Hey', he said, with as much enthusiasm he could muster. 'I'm Gregory the Depressed Table. What's Your name?'
'Oh me?', replied the Red Sauce Bottle. 'I'm Rory the Randy Red Sauce Bottle. Pleased to meet ya! Say! Why you so down?'
'Ah I've always been like this', said Gregory. 'My best friend was killed at a nite-club a couple of weeks ago. And I'm just getting over it. So, where you from Rory?'
'I'm not sure. It's written on my back. Have a look there.'
'Ah, China. That's where most things are from. China must be a big place!'
'Eh.. I dunno. We moved when I was born. So, your friend die from Date Rape or what? Funny I always wondered what it'd be like to die like that. Uh.. never mind!'
'No he didn't die from date rape!' Gregory said as he looked at him weirdly.. 'He fell off me onto the dance floor and broke his neck, along with the rest of himself. So you like it here?'
'Oh me? Yeah it ain't bad. The daughter's pretty hot. Wouldn't mind! Anyway.. i heard the softies talking earlier... saying something about selling you to some relative abroad.'
'What!? I'll get to go abroad. Oh this is brilliant. When?
'Oh me? Tomorrow I think', said Rory. 'It'll be good for you. Pity I'll not see you again and we've only just met'
'Yeah, but maybe we'll see each other again. You'd never know. Anyway Rory, I'm gonna sleep. It's late'

The next day Gregory was on the plane on the way to sunny San Fransico. He had so many hopes for this new family. So many dreams of a caring family who didn't spill drinks on him and children who didn't carve their names in his back. 'Oh this is gonna be great', thought Gregory. A couple of hours into the flight he heard a rumble behind him... and one of his drawers opened up and who popped out only Rory the Randy Red Sauce Bottle.
'Rory!', He exclaimed. 'What the hell?'
Oh me? Heya Greg.. do you mind if I call ya Greg? I stowed away. I didn't want to break up our friendship. So I though I'd come with you.'
'Rory! You just stowed away in my arse' said Gregory
'Oh me?What? No way. I've always wondered what it would be like to stow away in a tables arse. Uh.. never mind. So ya happy to see me?'
'Well yeah', replied Gregory. 'But did you have to hide in my arse? I just thought I needed to take a crap'
'Oh me? Sorry amigo. It was the only place I could see. So you think there'll be some hot girls in this place. They don't call me Rory the Randy Red Sauce Bottle for nothing ya know.. Anyway.. this is gonna be great. Me and you and with the world in our hands. Nothing can stop us Greg!'
'Yeah you're right Rory. A whole new horizon..' And for once in his life Gregory the Depressed Table smiled. Things were good. Really good! 'I think I might grow to like this guy', thought Gregory as he watched Rory squeeze himself over and over.
'What you doing there, Rory?' asked Gregory
'Oh me? Just squeezing myself', replied Rory.. 'It's quite niccceeeee.....uuggghhhhh!!!!!! Oh man, that was good!
'Okay maybe his a bit wierd', though Gregory. 'Anyway, I've got a positive out look now!! Good times! And off they went.. into the sun!


What's the moral of this story...?

Red Sauce can cheer anyone up!

Samuel Potatoes

Chapter 3
Gregory the Depressed Table was flying over one of the coasts of America. And he and Rory the Randy Red Sauce Bottle were looking out the window down at the beaches, which were in clear view. They could see a lot of people and for some reason a lot of buildings, lying back, on the sand! Mostly banks Gregory noticed; AIB, Bank of Ireland, Ulster Bank, Permanent TSB.... they were all there!
'Why are all the banks lying on the beach?', asked Rory.
'Dunno. What day is it?', replied Gregory.
'Monday, I think', said Rory.
'Oh, that explains it, it's probably a bank holiday!'


After about 20 minutes the plane touched down and Gregory and Rory were brought to their new home. Gregory wasn't welcomed into his new home in quite the way he thought! Well first off, it was just two furniture moving men that brought him to the house. And secondly; the house was empty. It was only a new house and the furniture was only been moved in the now! After the men left Rory popped out of Gregory's arse.
'What the hell is this Greg?', he exclaimed. 'Where's the loving family? Where's all the people, man?'
'I don't know.. I don't know', cried Gregory! 'What's going on? Like, there's nothing here. It's all dusty. Oh Rory this is terrible. This is just terrible. What the hell are we supposed to do?'
'I'll tell you what we'll do! We'll have a blast. Think about it Greg. There's no one here but me and you.. we have an entire house to ourselves. We can invite some girls over, get some booze, bitta paint, spruce this place up nice. C'mon. Look on the bright side, man. I'll show you how to live.'
'Oh I don't know Rory, all this is just bringing me down. My expectations are just ruined. I think I'll just go to sleep'
'Suit yourself, man', said Rory. 'But I'm gonna go into town to pick up some paint and some women. Chat to ya soon!'

And off Rory went. He doddled down the road and into town. With women on the brain. While Gregory sat in the empty house all on his own. And he wept!
'Oh lament, I should never have gotten my hopes up', he thought. 'That's the last time I do that'. After a few hours he heard Rory come back. And he was not alone. He could hear a lot of girls down there. And a lot of other people. The music was up full blast! People partying and shouting and 'yeeehhhhaaawww-ing'.
But Gregory refused to go down! 'Let them have they're fun... the bastards! They can all rot for all I care'. Bye this stage Gregory was getting more and more depressed. And in during the next few weeks Rory had more and more parties.. and Gregory got more and more sullen. Gregory would sometimes wake up to Rory and some female red sauce bottle lying on top of him. There'd be red sauce everywhere! The two guys rarely ever spoke! Rory wouldn't wake until mid evening, and that's when Gregory would be going to sleep. Rory just got up and started partying again! The relationship was falling apart!

Until one night.. while Gregory was trying to sleep through one of Rory's parties.. he got so mad with the noise he decided to go down to Rory and tell him off!
So down the stairs he went.. looking for Rory. But Rory was no where to be seen. He walked around through the crowd.. eyes searching. There was so many people. Women with barely anything on.. men with nothing on. He even thought he spotted a champagne bath at one end of the room! He finally found Rory. Rory was talking to someone with his back to Gregory. 'Hey! Rory!', shouted Gregory. 'Will you turn this god damned music do-', he stopped in mid sentence from complete shock at what he had just seen... The person Rory was talking to had turned around........ 'Gregory??'

'Terry!!!???'


What's the moral of this story?

There's always a twist!