5 Simple Steps to Becoming a Superstar DJ

Charlie Haughy

Step 1 : Choose a DJ Name
This step is easy, all you need to do is grab a dictionary and pick a random word (I chose Aardvark because I didn't feel like flipping very many pages). Replace at least one letter with a number (eg. 4ardvark). Slap "DJ" in front and you're off to the races.
Final Product: DJ 4ardvark
Pro-Tip: To make it even more epic use "DeeJay" instead.


Step 2 : Decide what you want to play
Chose at least 8 genres right off the bat because mastery of one or two takes too long. Besides, it will make you look like a super star when you tell people "I spin House, Electro, Dub Step, Speed Garage, Nu-NRG, Breaks, Rotterdam, and Goa."
Pro-Tip: Learn how to drop random tracks from one genre into another because cohesion isn't exciting. You can accomplish this by mashing the breakdown from a house track into the intro of a dubstep (don't worry about beatmatching, you're too cool for that now.)
Pro-Tip: The more pretentious your music selection the better, eg: "I only spin House from Chicago that was produced between 1986 and 1987; all other house music is crap."


Step 3 : Actually get the music
Remember that with the advent of the internet paying for music is no longer necessary. Grab yourself a copy of Limewire or Bearshare and go to town.
Don't worry about the rumours you've heard; 128Kbps sounds awesome on huge sound systems. 320Kbps is just going to take up precious room on your hard drive that you'll need for you're eight genres from Step 2.
Pro-Tip: 96Kbps will save even more hard drive space.


Step 4 : Pirate a copy of Virtual DJ
Atomix, the company that makes Virtual DJ never intended for people to pay for their software; The €329 price tag was just an April Fools joke that they forgot to take down. Pop open your Limewire and download a copy, it's what all the superstars do.
Virtual DJ is awesome because we get to skip a whole bunch of steps like "Learn to Beatmatch" thanks to things like the Sync button. Serato and Traktor are looked down upon in the vast majority of DJ circles for being too stable, if there isn't a chance your software could crash at any moment you're not living it up.
Pro-Tip: When you post your mixes to Youtube use a static image of a set of turntables. You don't want people to know what awesome software you're using, and you don't want to offend all of those DJs that haven't caught up with the times and are still using old antiquated technology.

Step 5 : Make your presence known around town

• Go to clubs and parties in your area.
• Wait until the DJ that is spinning has his headphones on (this is a sign that he's ready to talk).
• Tap him on the shoulder and wait for him to give you the "thank you for taking my mind of this mix" glare of appreciation.
• Tell him "Hey man, I's a DJ too". (Be sure to tell him that the remix he's playing right now is good and all but that the "Club Mix" on Youtube would probably have gone over better because it has 1million views and 50,000 thumbs up.)
• Wait for the praise and acceptance that is due to you.

Pro-Tip: Tell him how the CDJs he's using are a nice piece of kit but you prefer the older model because the newer models are too fancy and take away from real DJing or go on at length about why Pioneer is over rated and clubs should switch to Behringer and Numark.
Steps you may have heard elsewhere that are actually not necessary:

• Practising: You're awesome, why would you need to practice? Besides, you'll be too busy having sex with hot women.
• Learning to Beatmatch: That's what the sync button is for. Those DJs at the club who beatmatch don't have enough time to do lines of coke off the shooter girl, but you do!
• Learning to Phrase: The faster you can bung tracks together the more tracks you can play. Peaks and valleys are boring - the music should be banging all night. NO BREAKDOWNS!

Bonus Tips:

• If you want your Youtube videos to be popular make sure you have a strobe light, a mask of some sore, and can dance like a chav on meth.
• All good DJ's change their name on Facebook to say "<Firstname> DJWhatever <Lastname>" because everyone you interact with needs to know you're a DJ and getting people to join a separate page actually dedicated to your DJ work takes too much effort.
• The more items clothing you have with logos like "Technics" and "Rane" on them the better.
• Always introduce yourself as "DJ <whatever>," starting today your real name is meaningless.
• When in doubt: JESUS POSE!

Once you have completed these steps gigs and girls will fall in to your lap with no effort at all!
Party on you awesome DJ you.
</sarcasm>

Executive Steve

Yeah, worked out well for me so far anyway.

5/5, would read again.

jtsuited

will play, thanks for posting.

DubDJ

I live my life by this model

electrogrimey

Excellent crafty DJ jokes - TIP!

Android 666

I've tried all this and it hasn't work. What do I do now?

Clanket

Get a mate to record a decent mix and do a Steve Angello at your gigs

Daroxtar

Copy whatever it is that all the cool kids do

godwin

Ignore all the above tips and produce some mediocre tunes that sell well on beatport and you made it.

FensterDJ

Daroxtar wrote: »

Copy whatever it is that all the cool kids do

so someone found something interesting/funny/cool and one forum and reposted it on another, how long has this practice been going on? are the internet police aware of it, we need to make it our top priority to stamp this kinda thing out quick smart

Tinie

Daroxtar wrote: »

Copy whatever it is that all the cool kids do

Oh noes the OP copy and pasted something from another forum that was funny and had not been posted here before.... but still... GET HIM!

Its not like he claimed he wrote it or anything.

FensterDJ

Tinie wrote: »

Oh noes the OP copy and pasted something from another forum that was funny and had not been posted here before.... but still... GET HIM!

Its not like he claimed he wrote it or anything.

Hey Tinie the sarcastic fake indignation schtick is mine in this thread, go try that stuff somewhere else (with my blessing)