Grandmother expected to mind baby!

LegacyUser

Hi,

My brothers wife is going back to work in a few weeks after having their first baby six months ago. While the baby has been going to a babysitter for a few hours per week for the past few weeks, my brother has asked my mother today to mind the baby for half a day four days per week (while his mother-in-law does the other half day). Now this is despite my mother being saying since we've been all old enough to have babies that she would not mind them as she has her own family reared. She is mid 60's and she has recently just got her pension and wants to enjoy her reteirment with my father without any restrictions. Now I think my brother is really cheeky asking this despite making it clear to all of us throughout the year and makes me angry but I don't want to fall out with them as I adore my nephew very much! The baby has had very little interaction with other people since he was born and is very attached to his parents and hence can be cranky when anyone else trys to mind him or even just picks him up when his mom is around, because we're not his mother! This really annoys me as I believe my mother should be allowed to enjoy her retirement.

rant over...

slarkin123

What has your mother said. Have a chat with your brother and make it clear he's being very unreasonable. But your mam does have to put her foot down too.

stargazer 68

slarkin123 wrote: »

What has your mother said. Have a chat with your brother and make it clear he's being very unreasonable. But your mam does have to put her foot down too.

Have to agree. Its all well and good your mam saying she wouldnt do it but when push comes to shove she has to be firm.

silja

Agreed, your brother is taking advantage! It'd be one thing if they'd ask her to mind the baby for a week or two until they find a good creche, but not long term. If mom feels she cannot say no, maybe she should just out a big price tag on it?

planetX

Rant away, but stay out of it. Your mother is old enough to have learned to say no.

Shelli2

I don't really think it's any of your business, if your mother doesn't want to she is an adult and big enough to make her own decisions.

My mother always said the when we had kids she would NOT EVER be minding them, that she had 'done her time rearing' us.
When I had my son I had a very good job, and childcare wasn't an issue, however, when he was just under a year old things changed, and financially we were very stuck, so I had to ask my mam for some help. My son is now 4 and starting school, and will be attending after school care, but even though my mam does not have to, she has asked if she can still have him 1-2 days per week, as she enjoys is so much and they have such a strong bond.

Like I said, this is really between your mam and your brother. Let them work it out between them. Also, if you get involved, it could come back to bite you when/if you have kids of your own and may need them minded one day!

needadvi

Your brother just asked for help. Your mother has agreed to help them out so why are you so angry about this?

If this all kicks off, they will definitely find someone else to care for the child while she is away at work and there might be a division in the family after that.

Who's wants to know/visit/ like a nosey interfering relative that tried to hinder their progress in life. Family should support each other! Sadly this is not always the case!

Be Wise and stay out of a situation like this, it's your mothers choice to agree/disagree and it's not your place to pipe up!

KittyeeTrix

I can see where the OP is coming from.......................Not everyone is able to say no to those they love for fear it will disrupt the relationship.

I've seen it happen in my own family!!

Zulu

This is none of your buisness.
It's between your bother & your mother.

Rant away here, but keep your opinions to yourself unless asked for them.

mariaalice

Its a difficult one, a grandmother might feel guilty if she doesn't help out if they think their children are having finical difficulties.

The way I see it, it is up to your mother to make up her own mind and so long as your brother is not just using her for cheap child care so he and his wife can enjoy a good holidays and spending money on themselves then leave them at it.

I know of two women in there 70's who are part time minding toddlers they appear to be okay with it, but to be honest I would be very reluctant to leave full responsibility for a toddler to someone in there 70's no matter how hale and hearty they were.

ANXIOUS

I think your mother would be selfish, if she doesnt help out. Everyone needs a hand.

MyKeyG

Nobody can say what will happen in the future. It's only until we're confronted with the situation that we really know how we feel. People change their minds all the time when the circumstance presents itself.

Your mother probably said that at the time meaning it but how do you know the arrival of a little grandchild hasn't tugged her heart strings into reconsidering her former position? Maybe now that her own kids are reared she wouldn't mind a little baby filling in some of the holes left after kids fly the coop. I'd consider these things before you stick your oar in and fall out with both of them.

am i bovvered

It's none of your business,
as she has raised a family she is well
able to fight her own battles.
My advice ....stay out of it.

Tayla

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

I can see where the OP is coming from.......................Not everyone is able to say no to those they love for fear it will disrupt the relationship.

I've seen it happen in my own family!!

I think that if the mother has already said that she "wouldn't mind them as she has her own family reared" that she'll have the balls to come out and say no if she really wants to.

vitani

Your brother isn't forcing her to mind the baby - he just asked for a bit of help. Nothing wrong with that; I'm sure she's well able to say no if she wants to.

CIARAN_BOYLE

mindingbaby wrote: »

Hi,

My brothers wife is going back to work in a few weeks after having their first baby six months ago. While the baby has been going to a babysitter for a few hours per week for the past few weeks, my brother has asked my mother today to mind the baby for half a day four days per week (while his mother-in-law does the other half day). Now this is despite my mother being saying since we've been all old enough to have babies that she would not mind them as she has her own family reared. She is mid 60's and she has recently just got her pension and wants to enjoy her reteirment with my father without any restrictions. Now I think my brother is really cheeky asking this despite making it clear to all of us throughout the year and makes me angry but I don't want to fall out with them as I adore my nephew very much! The baby has had very little interaction with other people since he was born and is very attached to his parents and hence can be cranky when anyone else trys to mind him or even just picks him up when his mom is around, because we're not his mother! This really annoys me as I believe my mother should be allowed to enjoy her retirement.

rant over...

My parents have said something similar to me about not minding any grandchildren.

That said should I have kids in the future I will push for my parents to do some childminding because I grew up not really spending time with my grandparents and I regret that I didn' have the bond that I could have with them after their deaths.

At the end of the day your mother can still say no if she wants but I understand your brother trying to push his kid and mother together between cheap childcare and helping them bond.

Hannibal Smith

If your mother has a problem, she should say it to your brother. You don't want to get involved believe me. I often find with family situations that if the person involved isn't willing to say something, then keep schtum, coz you'll end up saying something and then your mother will be like 'ah sure it's grand' and you'll look like the baddy.

My parents used to say the same to us and although I'd never take the mick with it, it's tough times we're in. Child care is expensive and parents seem more willing to bend the rules.

seanybiker

ANXIOUS wrote: »

I think your mother would be selfish, if she doesnt help out. Everyone needs a hand.

couldn't disagree more.
The lady already raised her own kids and deserves to enjoy her retirement how she sees fit. If she decides to mind the child all well and good but if she declines then that's great for her to.

Cat Melodeon

I think it's fine to ask grandparents to help out in the beginning, or at weekends or special occasions for a bit of babysitting, but expecting them to take on the load of regular childcare is a bit much, regardless of whether their help is being paid for or not. If a grandparent volunteers to help with childcare, that's great, but in a situation where someone has clearly stated that your kids are your own responsibility, it's a bit rude to expect them to change their life to revolve around yours.

Big Bag of Chips

You sound very miffed OP. I wouldn't be too bothered about a 6 mth old being very attached to their parents. It's around this age that they start becoming more aware of the people around them and start "making strange" with people they are not terribly familiar with.

All your brother did was ask. You never know, at some stage your mam might have hinted that she wouldn't mind helping out? As another poster suggested, things happen that cause changes of mind and attitude all the time. It's up to her to say yes or no - or to set her conditions.

You don't mention what your mother says about this NOW.. only that "she always said....".

I always said, I'd never get married. I always said my kids would never have McDonald's!

If your mam is ok with it, and isn't giving out to you about it... then stay out of it. If your mam doesn't want to do it, encourage her to speak up for herself.

I'm sensing a little bit of "sour grapes", OP.

KittyeeTrix

Anyone that would PUSH their mother to mind their child for "bonding purposes":rolleyes: needs a good talking to!!!:mad:

It's amazing how people can guilt other people into getting their own way in life:(

Some people can be told No and don't get all bent out of shape by it but then there are some who create all manner of disturbance when faced with a NO............

We don't know if this is the case here.....perhaps the OP is speaking out for his mum if he feels she is being coerced for want of a better word..

run_Forrest_run

ANXIOUS wrote: »

I think your mother would be selfish, if she doesnt help out. Everyone needs a hand.

nonsense. I think the brother is being selfish. Let him pay for child minding like the responsible parents do.
Will they take her in when she grows older and unable to live by herself?

John Mason

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Anyone that would PUSH their mother to mind their child for "bonding purposes":rolleyes: needs a good talking to!!!:mad:

seriously, there is something wrong with people. my cousin's partner, suggested to my aunt that she give up her job and mind her grandchild for free :eek: now she was told to take a running jump.

this same person, said "for your birthday, we are going drop Mary over to you for the day, so you can have a granny and grand-daughter bonding day" :eek: - again, she was told to feck off.

OP, you need to stay out if - it is for your mother to decide whether she is going to mind the child or not.

run_Forrest_run

Firstly, fair play to your mother, it's great that people of that age want to enjoy their golden years and should be able to say no to the demands of the selfish offspring.
I see this kind of thing a lot, so many people in work here have their kids minded by granny and really the kids turn out to be spoilt little brats who expect too much attention.
The brother needs to cop on and learn to be responsible for his own kids, just like his mother was when he was a child.

PrincessPixie

All I can say is when my kids have family of their own I hope I'll be in a position to help them because I want to and not so wrapped up in my own needs and wants to ignore them.

My parents refused to help in any way with my kids yet expect all the perks of being grandparents, I got the I've raised mine you raise yours without asking for their help, yet their parents, my grandparents all played an intergral part in raising me and my siblings and cousins. We were always in and out, staying over and generally being one big loud and noisy extended family. My kids won't experience that as my parents are "enjoying their retirement", if I sound bitter it's because I am, currently going through some difficultities in my marraige and financially and it would be nice to think I could count on my parents for a hand and a little support but I can't. Their parents helped them, I know I witnessed it, I suppose I expected the same care from them as I in turn would provide for the next generation.

You don't really know what's going on in your brothers life, they may be experiencing difficulties and who do you think they would naturally turn to.... If your Mother chooses not to help them that's her decision....

wolfpawnat

A lot of grandparents say that, until baby comes along, then they alter it.

Our sons grandmother said she would do no babysitting, now she insists that no one else is good enough to mind him! :rolleyes:

She takes him for a weekend here and there and if we need to take a few hours to ourselves to get a haircut or visit a friend.

I was offered work for a month and asked her would she help, she declined and I had to respect that! She said a weekend here and there is one thing, but a whole month would tie her down too much with her daughters wedding only 3 months away.

run_Forrest_run

CIARAN_BOYLE wrote: »

My parents have said something similar to me about not minding any grandchildren.

That said should I have kids in the future I will push for my parents to do some childminding because I grew up not really spending time with my grandparents and I regret that I didn' have the bond that I could have with them after their deaths.

At the end of the day your mother can still say no if she wants but I understand your brother trying to push his kid and mother together between cheap childcare and helping them bond.

you're having a laugh right?? Pushing your parents to mind your potential offspring for the benefit of bonding?? Maybe you're bonding too much to your wallet I'd say!

Grandparents will bond with grandchildren on their terms, that's how quality bonding is done. If you guilt them into it then they will end up resenting you and even the poor kids, who are innocent at the end of the day.

run_Forrest_run

wolfpawnat wrote: »

A lot of grandparents say that, until baby comes along, then they alter it.

Our sons grandmother said she would do no babysitting, now she insists that no one else is good enough to mind him! :rolleyes:

She takes him for a weekend here and there and if we need to take a few hours to ourselves to get a haircut or visit a friend.

I was offered work for a month and asked her would she help, she declined and I had to respect that! She said a weekend here and there is one thing, but a whole month would tie her down too much with her daughters wedding only 3 months away.

I think this is the best situation you can have, at least you're lucky to get some time to yourselves at the odd weekend etc or a few hours here and there, that's great.
And it sounds like the grandmother is happy too, so much so that she can say no to you at times and you can respect that, ideal situation.

analucija

run_Forrest_run wrote: »

Firstly, fair play to your mother, it's great that people of that age want to enjoy their golden years and should be able to say no to the demands of the selfish offspring.
I see this kind of thing a lot, so many people in work here have their kids minded by granny and really the kids turn out to be spoilt little brats who expect too much attention.
The brother needs to cop on and learn to be responsible for his own kids, just like his mother was when he was a child.

Brother and I were minded by grandparents and did not turn out to be spoiled little brats. The only negative was that we were a bit too shy when going to school.

Boyfriends parents are minding our son one day per week. His mother said straight away that she will not do it full time and we never asked her to do that. She wanted to have him with her one day per week and she also minds him sometimes during the weekend or overnight if we are going somewhere alone. I'm very grateful to her and atm its working well. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking somebody if they mind doing it, just don't force them to do something they don't want to.

run_Forrest_run

analucija wrote: »

Brother and I were minded by grandparents and did not turn out to be spoiled little brats. The only negative was that we were a bit too shy when going to school.

Boyfriends parents are minding our son one day per week. His mother said straight away that she will not do it full time and we never asked her to do that. She wanted to have him with her one day per week and she also minds him sometimes during the weekend or overnight if we are going somewhere alone. I'm very grateful to her and atm its working well. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking somebody if they mind doing it, just don't force them to do something they don't want to.

yes, I suppose you are right, no harm in asking but some people are just being cheeky and expect it. Do you offer to pay the grandmother for doing it? I know offering to pay may cause offense but you know what I mean, just something to acknowledge the effort being made.
You are very lucky to have the help, we have no such help around us and even when the grandparents come to visit it's bare minimum input really, perhaps I'm a bit bitter over it all too