School Bullying

Jasssss

Hi I have a teenager who is experiencing the most awful bullying I have ever seen.Last year I had meetings with the principal and teachers several times.Everything that was discussed in the office between ourselves and staff was then repeated back to my son from the bullies.The bullies put stuff on facebook about him and the school done nothing.The principal told me that this boy was from a nice family and that is was totally out of character for him and he was happy that it would not happen again.He cries most nights and refuses to go to school.He is only back a couple of days and it has started again.I have had him at the doctor several times because he is complaining of been sick all of which is just stress caused by bullying.I've brought him to counselling but was not much good.I know I am obliged to send my child to school but can anyone tell me if there is anyone outside the school that I can turn to for help as the school are not doing enough to stop this.My concern now is for the welfare of my son and I am really worried that he is not going to be able to take another year of this.

reallyrose

I'm not 100% sure if this is the proper route to go with but it might be worth considering.

First of all, if your son is being bullied through facebook, report it to facebook. There are report buttons that your son can click that will report the bullying messages to Facebook.
Because Facebook is used by kids a lot, they take bullying seriously. (or at least say they do!)

Next, I'd go back to the school. If you don't get satisfaction there, go to the board. The principal of the school has a boss. If you're not getting satisfaction from the principal, go to his boss.

I'm really sorry that your son is going through this. He's lucky that he has your support.

Moonbeam

Are they targeting something specific about him or is it more general?
Collect every single bit of evidence and keep it.
Maybe if you talk to your local community Garda they might have some advice for you.

I would not expect the school to do anything about the facebook comments as that is up to the childrens parents as they access facebook at home but do report it to facebook.

January

Post moved to thread of it's own...

CrazyRabbit

Seems the school hasn't a clue how to handle this and obviously don't respect confidentiality. I have little confidence in schools to resolve these issues.

I would try get in touch with the bullies parents. Explain that if the bullying persists, that you will get a restraining order against their child to prevent him from communicating with or approaching your son. This means their son would have to attend another school.

Harrasment is also illegal, so gather as much evidence as possible, including dates/times/people involved. If it comes to it, you can take legal action.

Now...that's one side of it. The other is your son. He needs to learn how to deal with bullies. Here's a few tips for your son.
1. Bullies want an emotional response....or any response. Don't give it. Smile, ignore & talk with friends etc.
2. Remember, these bullies are scumbags. So why be concerned about what scumbags think? It's only important what you think of yourself and what your friends/family think of you. The opinions of bullies are absolutely worthless, so don't get worked up over them.
3. Be confident. Keep your head up, look people in the eye & try to be outgoing. Chat with people, make friends and stick with them.
4. If there are others in the school being bullied...get to know them. It's harder to bully a group than an individual, and the other targets of bullying will appreciate a friend just as much.
5. Don't be a victim. You can't really control how other people treat you, but you can control how you let their actions/words affect you. Hard to explain, but the choice to be a victim or a fighter (not literally) is up to you.
6. Don't let this go on and on. It can have a terrible long term negative effect on you.

If all else fails, there are some other actions to take. But it's not permitted to discuss them on this forum as only talk of defensive action is permitted.

Sleepy

If it were my son I'd tell him what worked for me when I was in school: I thumped the ringleader, got my head kicked in that one time and was never touched again because I'd stood up to him the once which made him think twice about doing it again.

In the mindset of the school yard, your involvement and involving the school is a "reason" to bully your son because he won't stand up for himself. Get him to stand up for himself and be seen to be able to stand on his own two feet and the bullying will stop.

Easier said than done though.

Jasssss

Thank you for all the posts.I will take on board what you all have said.The type of bullying that he has been getting is as follows....he has been beaten up,spit on,slagged,stuff wrote on toilet walls about him,he has had orange juice poured over his books,his locker was destroyed with yogurt and he has had personnel belongings stolen on him to name but a few.My son by the way is not on facebook but was told by someone in the school who seen the comments.I am going to be honest i really did not know the devastating effect this can have on a family.The difference in my son since this started to happen to him.He used to be a happy going child.Now, he just seems down all the time.

mikemac

They go for the lad who won't fight back
Do you think the big lads who play rugby or football have to deal with this??? Don't answer, we all know the answer.

Sleepy speaks the truth, the scum understand one thing and that's a box in the face.
I know too as I was that lad. People have a breaking point and one day I snapped, lashed out and never had trouble again

Your son has a breaking point too and one day he'll snap or else he'll just bottle everything up which is never good

So before a mod slaps me down for suggesting violence, I'd suggest you take the lad to the local boxing club or martial arts. There are forums on boards which have more info.

Once he knows how to fight he'll have a lot more confidence.Confidence in knowing how to fight so he won't have to.
But if needs be he won't get beaten up again

Leopardi

Jasssss wrote: »

The principal told me that this boy was from a nice family

As someone who taught at secondary level for a number of years I'm sad to say that the above statement is all too common, even if its implications are less clear.

In the school at which I taught, pupils from "nice" families were dubbed "the untouchables" - in such cases "nice" usually signified influential. The parents of such children were usually well placed on various school councils and in spite of multiple complaints from various teachers, the students were usually allowed to continue their bullying and/or disruption of classes with impunity.

thirtythirty

Jasssss wrote: »

Thank you for all the posts.I will take on board what you all have said.The type of bullying that he has been getting is as follows....he has been beaten up,spit on,slagged,stuff wrote on toilet walls about him,he has had orange juice poured over his books,his locker was destroyed with yogurt and he has had personnel belongings stolen on him to name but a few.My son by the way is not on facebook but was told by someone in the school who seen the comments.I am going to be honest i really did not know the devastating effect this can have on a family.The difference in my son since this started to happen to him.He used to be a happy going child.Now, he just seems down all the time.

My little brother went through the same. I've never felt such anger as when I found out - nearly went after them myself numerous times, but stopped myself knowing the consequences of someone 7 odd years the bullys' senior beating them up! I did however start picking him up from school every so often and just showed my presence.

It got to the point where every day there were tears going to school, and he'd literally get sick after breakfast cuz his stomach was in knots thinking about it.

The way we dealt with it was I gradually tried to trivialise the situations to him, not all at once because then he'd have said I didn't understand and was just making light of the situation. But I basically just made the bullies out to be complete losers in his head - helped by the fact that I got him to explain what they're like (one was a serious fatty which helped matters). That got him to view the situations differently, because i've no doubt he "brought some of it on himself". And i say that in the way that I mean bullies are drawn to the reactions they get out of people - not that he deserved it,obviously. But by not reacting the same e.g. due to viewing an orange drink over books situation as "Ah for fuk sake, these lads are some spas if they think this is funny" vs "oh sht this is embarassing me infront of the whole class" and face going all red, it made the bullying almost pointless for them.

That didn't end it totally, but it made it much much better. Eventually one day he just burst though and absolutely let loose on the fat ring leader in front of the class, verbally, not physically. Everything was fine after that - he actually laughs now thinking about the state of those guys that gave him grief!

It's a tough period, but in the first instance ensure he knows it's not a "forever" thing. School is only 6 years long and by the sounds of it your kid's half way through already. There's always the option of jumping schools too.

I'd also try to trivialise the situation in their mind. Gently, not in an obvious "this is a tactic" way! But you getting all worried and upset (in front of him at least) will compound the issue in his head making him think it really is an awful situation he's in.

In terms of retaliating, verbally or physically, that's a difficult one and I won't advise either way. One safer option is to start taking the piss out of the bullies in front of people - but that depends on your kid's 'wit' to be honest, and whether they'd be any good at genuinely making them look stupid, or whether it would be more antagonistic.

Good luck anyway

Hobbitfeet

My brother went through the same thing in primary school and eventually had to move school because of lack of action from the school and the school board. My mother first reported the bullying to the class teacher, nothing changed, then to principal again nothing changed then to school board again nothing changed she did everything she could and her only regret now after he has moved school is that she did not make an official complaint to the Dept. of Education about the bullying and lack of support from the school and school board.

If you have tried to sort out the problem with the school and nothing is being done then please make an official complaint to the Dept. Usually people don't bother and just move their child to another school and then nothing changes in the old school and more children continue to be bullied.

I hope you get everything sorted and your child can have a happy time in school

Hobbitfeet

Leopardi wrote: »

As someone who taught at secondary level for a number of years I'm sad to say that the above statement is all too common, even if its implications are less clear.

In the school at which I taught, pupils from "nice" families were dubbed "the untouchables" - in such cases "nice" usually signified influential. The parents of such children were usually well placed on various school councils and in spite of multiple complaints from various teachers, the students were usually allowed to continue their bullying and/or disruption of classes with impunity.

My brother was bullied at primary school. Went to a very small rural school 2 teachers for the whole school. When my mother complained about the bullying she was told the the boys father was a very influential person in the area and made a lot of contributions to the school and he didnt want to cause any trouble. Makes me sick this sort of thing

RustyNut

I think the best outcome for your son might come from a change of school. If you are getting no support from the school because the "nice" kids are involved it might be best to cut your losses and go for a fresh start if this is possible and insist on support from the school in facilitating the move. The bully's have their target and it can take a lot to deflect them even with school support.

I really hope this works out well and soon for you and your family.

Kildrought

I think I'm with RusyNut - time to change schools; also give your son some skills to deal with the bullies.

I'm not a fan of violence at the best of times, but over the years I've come to realise that there are certain youngsters who will only respond to 'alpha-male' type behaviour. Your son may need to learn to kick some arse.

heavyballs

OP,I know what ur going through,my 11 year old went through it,I reported it to parents then school but when he beat my son up and marked him I involved a gard friend of mine and that sorted it pretty sharpish
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy,hope it works out ok

KittyeeTrix

I tell my 4 kids the same thing........

If you happen to get targeted by bullies/bully, stand up to them and if it gets physical then so be it.......The bullies look for the soft target and generally do not want to take on someone who will put up a fight..

When I was in primary school (I think I was in 4th class at the time), 2 traveller girls would follow me home for the best part of 6 months. They were relentless in their verbal and pyhsical abuse to me. I'd never experienced bullying before and am from a fairly tough enough part of Galway City but dealing with the travellers is a bit different than dealing with your average bully..

Anyhoo, I lost the absolute plot one final day when one of them literally threw me up against a shop window and grabbed me round the throat. Something inside my head just snapped and I fought back like a demented thing...

They never came near me again cos I let them know that day that I would pull the fecking heads off them again the next day if they looked sideways at me!!!

Justask

I do not agree with moving the child. This happens far to often that the kid that is bullied has to leave and the bully gets away with everything.

I have seen parents pull out their hair with trying to get through to the school and for them to do something. Some schools this is just hassle and the kid to leave is not only better for the bully but for them.

The only time I saw anything done about a bully in my child school , the mother made such a hassle that they had no choice, she went to the headmaster EvERYDAY and demanded a meeting first with him, then the BOM then the kids parents, She DID NOT listen to 'We will see what we will can do'
She hounded he school till it stoped and it did!

Every parent has to realise that their child could be a bully, This 'Oh my Johney/Mary wouldnt do that' P&sses me off so much every child is capable of it.

Jasssss

Hi I got a phone call from the school to say that they had spoken to the parents of these children.I felt well great at least they have all been told of the situation and things for my son might just be ok for a little while.Then yesterday the same gang waited for him outside the school and pushed and shoved him.What type of parents are these I mean if my child does wrong I will make it my business to sort it.I feel like pulling my hair out.Does anyone know if i can go to the police or are they too young.

CrazyRabbit

Jasssss wrote: »

Hi I got a phone call from the school to say that they had spoken to the parents of these children.I felt well great at least they have all been told of the situation and things for my son might just be ok for a little while.Then yesterday the same gang waited for him outside the school and pushed and shoved him.What type of parents are these I mean if my child does wrong I will make it my business to sort it.I feel like pulling my hair out.Does anyone know if i can go to the police or are they too young.

Depends on the age of the bullies whether or not they can be charged. But, assault is assault and the Gardai will not ignore it.

Contact the school again and ask them to arrange a meeting between them, yourself, and the bullies parents. Make it clear that if the bullying persists in any way, that legal and/or civil action will be taken against them. You should also insist that the school considers expelling the bullies permanently if they continue. Threaten civil action against the school if they don't. They have a duty of care towards your son when on school grounds, and can be sued if they persistently fail to meet that responsibility.
i.e....take no bull from any of the involved parties. Protect your son.

Justask

Jasssss wrote: »

Hi I got a phone call from the school to say that they had spoken to the parents of these children.I felt well great at least they have all been told of the situation and things for my son might just be ok for a little while.Then yesterday the same gang waited for him outside the school and pushed and shoved him.What type of parents are these I mean if my child does wrong I will make it my business to sort it.I feel like pulling my hair out.Does anyone know if i can go to the police or are they too young.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh BUT you do not need a phone call from the school to say they have spoken to the kids parents YOU WNT A MEETING WITH THEM!!!!!!

IMO dont ask TELL. At the end of the day you are looking out for your son and if I were you I would make myself such a hassle to them they had to sort it and sort it NOW.

You have done the telling the school asking them to help. They haven't now its time to take off the kid gloves and DEMAND.

deisemum

Jasssss wrote: »

Hi I got a phone call from the school to say that they had spoken to the parents of these children.I felt well great at least they have all been told of the situation and things for my son might just be ok for a little while.Then yesterday the same gang waited for him outside the school and pushed and shoved him.What type of parents are these I mean if my child does wrong I will make it my business to sort it.I feel like pulling my hair out.Does anyone know if i can go to the police or are they too young.

Go to the gardai, they take it seriously and from experience it's the only thing that focuses some schools attention to address this.

We put up with months of my son being bullied by the principal and a teacher after we reported a teacher for physical abuse but the minute the gardai got involved it stopped immediately. Our only regret was that we didn't do it sooner.

nkay1985

I agree with the posters saying to force the school to arrange a meeting between you and the bullies' parents. Tell them that if this isn't done, you'll be goign to the Gardaí. Then, when you're in the meeting with the other parents, tell them you'll be going to the Gardaí if it doesn't stop. I'm pretty sure this will focus both parties in both instances and your son should get no more trouble after that.

In the meantime, get a notepad and write down times and dates of all incidents that occur. It sounds like your son is telling you what's happening which is good as he's not bottling it all up. Make sure he tells you every little thing that happened. Also make note of the conversations you've had with the school officials. When faced with such a document, it won't be possible to deny the events and something will have to be done.

I feel awful for your son and hope this gets sorted very soon.

Shelli2

Go to the Garda, ask to speak with the community liason officer, and let them know whats happening to your son, emphasise the assaults that are happening outside the school, because thats what it is, assault. Insist they call in person and speak to the parents of the bullies involved.

A visit from the Garda to these 'nice' families should do the trick!
The shame of their little angels in trouble with the law

catch me if you can

My heart goes out to your son. I hate to admit it but the only way to deal with a bully is to frighten them. Either your son or a male relative or yourself needs to get nasty and needs to get nasty quick. Your sons wellbeing is dependent on this. These scumbags won’t stop. And the schools wont expel them.
By all means go to the guards first and try get the parents frightened by the guards so they can instil some control.
Do you have an older male relative who can meet the boy after school?
Also it may sound immature, but being a mother if my child was suffering I would throw the biggest most expensive, coolest party that the school year ever saw. And invite everyone except the bullies. Make them feel like crap.
Does your son have any friends in school? You need to get any friends he has on side here. If they all stand up to these bullies , there is strength in numbers.
Don’t keep letting this happen, you need to act now.
Personally my rage with be so bad and my husband’s that we would knock the bullies into next week and take the consequences.
I would do anything to make the bullies suffer if i got no where with the parents, i would find out if i could are their parents on social welfare, and if so is everything legal and above board . If not i would report them to the dole things like that. I just couldnt rest with this going on.
Go to the guards today and the local papers tomorrow. Name and shame the school

RustyNut

Hey OP,
I really feel for you and your son.

I can see where the people are coming from who advocate taking on the school, the parents, involving the Garda etc. There is no question these bullies need to be dealt with but that might be a long drawn out process, in the mean time your son is being forced to put up with their sh1t with all the negative effects this has on his self esteem and general well-being as you are only too well aware.

Other kids will be very likely to avoid hanging around with your son out of a sense of self protection, not wanting to become victims themselves, further isolating him.

You know your son better than anyone and know whether he is up to taking them on but putting manners on them is not his or your responsibility,it might be best to leave this to the school,parents etc.

Removing your son as soon as possible from the situation that is causing him so much distress might be the best course of action for him especially if this is the road he would prefer to go down.

I'm no expert but a friends daughter was in a similar situation a few years back and a change of school ended up being the solution after quite a long fight with the school, who appeared at the time more intent on protecting the school and it's reputation than the child involved.

Hope this works out soon for you and your family.

thomasm

I really hope your son gets the help needed.

I think you have to force the school to act. Tell the principle you want a meeting with the cowards parents. Do not leave his office until he gets them on the phone. At the meeting tell them if you son is touched again the guards are involved and you will persue a restraining order and have them moved out of the school. Inform everyone you can about who these cowards are and who their parents are.

Koltashe

You got some great advice here just to add a few thoughts...

I wouldn't think moving to a different school would change things much: 1. if your son is a quite and shy lad he most like will become the victim of bullies in the next school as he will attract their attention. 2. if you move him to a school in the same area chances are kids from his current school will know kids in the new school and it will not help him a bit if on his first day everyone will know he is moving schools because he is being bullied.

I can see you are doing a lot to put an end to this, but what is your lad doing to stop it? I am not making an attack on you here simply wondering if you have been fighting all his battles for him so far? Having had you 'sort' everything out for him all his life would make him a very likely target for bulying as he does not know how to stand up for himself.
Many here suggested getting him invoved in sports to boost his confidence, have you made any headway with this? I know it doesn't seem like a priority to you right now, but the idea is to stop the bullying now and to ensure it does not happen again. He will meet new friends though sport and increase his confidence.

I am not trying to be mean here and my heart goes out to you and you lad, but it does sound like its you doing all the work and he is making no effort himself, and that not going to change the situation a bit. Unless you physically start attending school with him to defend him he has to grow and mature to a stage where he can at least put up some resistence to those bullies if not defeat them completely...

darklighter

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

I would try get in touch with the bullies parents. Explain that if the bullying persists, that you will get a restraining order against their child to prevent him from communicating with or approaching your son. This means their son would have to attend another school.

Harrasment is also illegal, so gather as much evidence as possible, including dates/times/people involved. If it comes to it, you can take legal action.

Now...that's one side of it. The other is your son. He needs to learn how to deal with bullies. Here's a few tips for your son.
1. Bullies want an emotional response....or any response. Don't give it. Smile, ignore & talk with friends etc.
2. Remember, these bullies are scumbags. So why be concerned about what scumbags think? It's only important what you think of yourself and what your friends/family think of you. The opinions of bullies are absolutely worthless, so don't get worked up over them.
3. Be confident. Keep your head up, look people in the eye & try to be outgoing. Chat with people, make friends and stick with them.
4. If there are others in the school being bullied...get to know them. It's harder to bully a group than an individual, and the other targets of bullying will appreciate a friend just as much.
5. Don't be a victim. You can't really control how other people treat you, but you can control how you let their actions/words affect you. Hard to explain, but the choice to be a victim or a fighter (not literally) is up to you.
6. Don't let this go on and on. It can have a terrible long term negative effect on you.

If all else fails, there are some other actions to take. But it's not permitted to discuss them on this forum as only talk of defensive action is permitted.

As someone who was bullied all the way from national school to 5th year, I sympathise with your sons predicament. It makes life so difficult that you have to do whatever is necessary to put a stop to it.

From my experience, the bullying stopped when two things happened (bear in mind I never said anything to anyone so knowone knew I was being bullied):

1. When I was in 3rd year, a group of 5th years were pushing and shoving me on the way back from lunch and they robbed a baseball cap on me. A friend who was in 6th year seen this, walked into their class, battered a few of them and took my cap back. They never even looked sideways at me again. Not condoning violence but it worked.
2. Half way through 5th year, I stopped paying any attention to the bullies in my year. I just stopped reacting to anything they did or said and when the idiots realised they werent getting a rise out of me, they stopped after a few days. This is harder said than done but if he can do it, works wonders.

I love the restraining order idea as well, would serve the "nice" families right.

Justask wrote: »

I do not agree with moving the child. This happens far to often that the kid that is bullied has to leave and the bully gets away with everything.

I have seen parents pull out their hair with trying to get through to the school and for them to do something. Some schools this is just hassle and the kid to leave is not only better for the bully but for them.

The only time I saw anything done about a bully in my child school , the mother made such a hassle that they had no choice, she went to the headmaster EvERYDAY and demanded a meeting first with him, then the BOM then the kids parents, She DID NOT listen to 'We will see what we will can do'
She hounded he school till it stoped and it did!

Every parent has to realise that their child could be a bully, This 'Oh my Johney/Mary wouldnt do that' P&sses me off so much every child is capable of it.

Wouldnt agree on moving them if at all possible for 2 reasons:

1. Most importantly, if he has friends in school, its awful unfair that he has to go and make new friends in a new school
2. Word will get around in the new school that he was bullied and he will become the target of the bullies in his new school who will see him as an easy target. And in my experience, there are bullies in nearly every school

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

Depends on the age of the bullies whether or not they can be charged. But, assault is assault and the Gardai will not ignore it.

Contact the school again and ask them to arrange a meeting between them, yourself, and the bullies parents. Make it clear that if the bullying persists in any way, that legal and/or civil action will be taken against them. You should also insist that the school considers expelling the bullies permanently if they continue. Threaten civil action against the school if they don't. They have a duty of care towards your son when on school grounds, and can be sued if they persistently fail to meet that responsibility.
i.e....take no bull from any of the involved parties. Protect your son.

Involving the guards only works, if the bullies are from a family for whom the involvement of the guards is unwelcome. Unfortunately, in some families, the guards have no more impact than you or I would have. As the bullies seem to be from "nice" families, in this case they would be my first port of call seeing as the school doesnt seem too pushed.

take no bull should be your motto!

darklighter

Koltashe wrote: »

You got some great advice here just to add a few thoughts...

I wouldn't think moving to a different school would change things much: 1. if your son is a quite and shy lad he most like will become the victim of bullies in the next school as he will attract their attention. 2. if you move him to a school in the same area chances are kids from his current school will know kids in the new school and it will not help him a bit if on his first day everyone will know he is moving schools because he is being bullied.

I can see you are doing a lot to put an end to this, but what is your lad doing to stop it? I am not making an attack on you here simply wondering if you have been fighting all his battles for him so far? Having had you 'sort' everything out for him all his life would make him a very likely target for bulying as he does not know how to stand up for himself.
Many here suggested getting him invoved in sports to boost his confidence, have you made any headway with this? I know it doesn't seem like a priority to you right now, but the idea is to stop the bullying now and to ensure it does not happen again. He will meet new friends though sport and increase his confidence.

I am not trying to be mean here and my heart goes out to you and you lad, but it does sound like its you doing all the work and he is making no effort himself, and that not going to change the situation a bit. Unless you physically start attending school with him to defend him he has to grow and mature to a stage where he can at least put up some resistence to those bullies if not defeat them completely...

I would agree with you in theory but in practice, this doesnt always work. I was involved in a number of sports teams and it made no difference. In fact, the soccer team I played on were very good at the verbal bullying.

I also tried physically fighting back, but as i was abit of a pipsqueak, this had no impact other than to make me a laughing stock. I should have said something at a young age and learned some sort of self-defence which may have had more of an impact

Koltashe

darklighter wrote: »

I would agree with you in theory but in practice, this doesnt always work. I was involved in a number of sports teams and it made no difference. In fact, the soccer team I played on were very good at the verbal bullying.

I also tried physically fighting back, but as i was abit of a pipsqueak, this had no impact other than to make me a laughing stock. I should have said something at a young age and learned some sort of self-defence which may have had more of an impact

As many have pointed out here ignoring the bullies works great, but in order to ignore them and whatever they are doing one would need to have inner confidence. I was more thinking down the lines of involved in a sport and building new friendships through sport will increase his confidence in himself thus providing him with inner strength to ignore the attacks on him. I wouldn't think it would solve the problem completely but having friends outside of the school would be of great benefit.

RedXIV

I would second a new activity, especially a martial art if there is one nearby. A good friend of mine was bullied for years but after starting a martial art, and really getting into it, he managed to A) convince bullies that it wasn't a good idea to start a fight with him, overcome his confidence issues and C) won a trip to fight in the world championships because he put so much effort into it.

Martial arts is great for confidence as well because after getting used to sparring, you learn how to protect yourself better and also how to prevent someone injuring you.

And then again, you can always do what my dad did when my brother was bullied which is wait till after school, had my brother point out the bully and scare the bejesus out of him (the garda uniform may have helped here)