Being bullied in work - advice please?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Long-time boards user and I'm being bullied in work.

I have thought long and hard about this. I've been weighing up whether it was in my head or not for quite a while now.

I left my last job because I was being micro-managed and picked on by my supervisor. I thought I'd left this rubbish behind me. I thought at first that I was just paranoid about the way I'm being treated, and that it was just in my head, but a colleague confirmed in private yesterday that she's noticed it and it's actually made things worse because I'm finding it even harder to rationalise away now.

I find myself in an even worse situation than I was with my last job, because I'm now working for an even smaller company, in a small industry (which I hate) and unfortunately I don't have the mental strength I had in the last place, because I feel totally alone, despite my colleague confirming that she believes I'm right.

I was an absolute horror to live with last weekend. I feel so upset about the fact that I took the stress and pressure I'm feeling out on my family, who have been nothing but supportive.

I'm an emotional wreck.I can't focus on anything, I feel like I'm doing an absolutely terrible job because I'm so conscious of how I'm being perceived and I'm borderline having panic attacks from the anxiety of my situation. On top of it all I feel like a total bloody drama queen and I am so ANGRY with myself. I keep bursting into tears, I feel dizzy and stupid, I'm a total headcase at the moment and I don't know what to do or where to turn to.

My cousin works in HR and has warned me to make sure that I'm seen to do everything I'm supposed to, as I'm not with the company very long. The last thing I need (or can afford) is to be let go, and at the same time the thoughts of going back to work tomorrow makes me feel physically ill. I'm actually crying and shaking typing this and I don't know what I can do.

I recently had a review or feedback meeting where I was informed that my performance was below expectations, that I have become withdrawn and uncommunicative and that I need to engage more. My review was with the person who I believe to be bullying me. I have been physically threatened by this person in the past, and just today I was verbally threatened about something. I asked a colleague for their opinion on whether the issue that was raised with me (in front of the whole office) seemed logical and they said they had been busy and hadn't noticed. I'm now afraid that this will be mentioned when she has her review which is due to happen before the end of the week.

I actually don't know what to do or where to turn. I've told my parents, and unfortunately I'm not in a position where I can afford to just walk out of my job, although I don't know if I can keep going much longer.

I am just looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar position or knows who I might be able to talk to, because this is severely affecting my personal life and I can't cope much longer.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Mom34

You poor thing I feel so sorry for you. Was in a similiar position once or twice previously in a large organisation and know exactly how you're feeling.

It is devastating after taking up a new position to have it end in this way.

While I'm no expert I remember hearing in an Employment Law class some years ago that if there are twenty people working in an office for someone and only one person believes they are being bullied this does not detract from the fact that they may have a genuine case as bullying is about the perception of the victim. Therefore if you believe you're being targeted unfairly it's irrelevant if your colleagues agree it's about your perception.

My advice is to find out who has the capacity to deal with your problems and hopefully resolve them within the workplace. Hopefully there is someone there you can turn to for help. Try and remember the particular incidents that have caused you concern and note them along with any further difficult interactions that occur with the person involved. This will be helpful for anyone trying to familiarise themselves with the particular issues involved.

When I was being bullied in the workplace I felt paranoid that colleagues were talking about me when they were having private conversations. I felt totally incompetent and started to question whether or not I was up to a job which I had excelled at initially. I grieved for the ten years I had spent in the organisation and the great reputation I had there prior to this happening. These are all commonplace reactions to bullying and they can have a severe impact on your health and your family life.

Try and take a first step in dealing with this even if it's just finding out quietly who in the organisation might be able to help.

My battery's dying but will check back in with you.

You haven't lost the plot you've been severely unlucky.

Take Care

irishjig69b

same happened to me, got to the stage were i got him on his own,and i said(not proud of this)i will get him kneecapped if he dont baCK OFF, and he did, old sayin......fight fire with fire.......

Mrs OBumble

OP, I'd strongly suggest you consult your GP. We cannot give medical advice here, but some of the thing you are describing could be symptoms of a health problem. It's possible that you have a problem you aren't aware of, and that this is affecting your work and causing your management to behave in certain ways.

Also, in the first few months of any job, beware of colleagues who tell you things like that. Sure sometimes they're right. But sometimes they're serving other agendas that you have no way of knowing about.

reeta

I feel so sorry for you. I went through the exact same thing 3 years ago, luckily the recession was only starting so I was able to move job. But as a result had to take a lower job. Two weeks after starting the nightmare job the other two girls in the office told me I was the 10th person in six months to start in that position. Within a month my manager (herself and her husband owned the business) became a nightmare to work with. One of the other girls would actually shake when she came into the office roaring at us. Two weeks after I started she told me I was getting a substantial rise then a week later I was called into the office and told "You have changed, your not the happy person who started here!!" I am afraid we wont be given you a raise. I started to feel physically sick going into work but as I said there were jobs out there at the time. It tooks months and months to get my confidence back. I did send them both a long email detailing how horrendous it was to work with them. I really hope you get this sorted. The very best of luck, remember that person is at fault not you, you dont deserve this !!!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for your feedback everyone.

JustMary - to clarify, I'm managing to hold things together in work. When I mentioned bursting into tears it's not when I'm in work, but it seems to be in every other area of my life. I make sure I'm coherent, logical and extremely polite while I'm at work (even if I'm a basketcase at home).

I have spoken to a healthcare professional about how I feel. I am willing to get further help if necessary. But this is not in my head, the way I am being treated is genuinely happening, and although I left my previous employment without confronting the issue I had in that company, I am not going to do that again. If I don't deal with this issue now I'm afraid it will continue to follow me through my future employments too, and I owe it to both myself, and the other people who are being unfairly treated to refuse to accept the bully's behaviour.

I have, as a result of the absolute state I got myself into last night, asked for a meeting with one of the managers in work. The company I work for is very small, and while I understand my colleagues may possibly have agendas I don't know about, I also know that I believed myself to have a very good relationship with the bully until recently when she started to make my work life unbearable with personal comments, threats and (as I mentioned earlier) even physically threatening behaviour.

I have already seen her single colleagues out and treat them in specific ways, although I was largely ignorant of the extent of what was going on as it all happened when I was very new to the company. Having taken a step back from the situation I believe there is only one (difficult) course of action and that is what I am taking.

Once again, thank you for your feedback.

Mom34

It's great to hear you have arranged a meeting to speak with someone who will hopefully be able to resolve your problems at work. Although it takes a lot of courage to tackle this issue (especially when you're feeling vulnerable due to the ordeal you've been through) it is an incredibly important step to take.

With any luck this problem will be resolved quickly and you will feel like you've had an enormous weight lifted. You're bound to feel fragile for some time but you'll get your confidence back once your concerns are recognised and dealt with effectively.

As you said health issues did not cause your current difficulties but this terrible situation you've found yourself in could cause you health issues in the future if it goes on for a prolonged period.

Keep up the momentum in trying to get it sorted and I hope it all works out for you.

Best of Luck

gerrycollins

the best advice I ever heard of was to get dairy and write down everthign that happens between you and this person. Dont comment on anything in your notes just a short record of the conversation and or requests and comments made towards you.

you can then use this in a follow up meeting with your manager for a months time.

Companies take bullying very serious(or they should) and your intention of record keeping and monitoring of the situation might make them sit up and act.

focusowner

I was bullied at secondary school even though im well built people would laugh if i told them but it did happen and after i left school i took up an electrical apprenticeship 30 miles away and such bad luck one of the bullies from school was working there too

Anyway i put up with **** for ages and then he started robbing my tools that really pissed me off as all my tools were new, one day i was using a jackhammer to knock a wall and he came in and got me to turn around so he could take my pliars to cut something he wouldnt damage his own on and that was the last straw .......


The bullying ended that day

sambuka41

Terrorfried wrote: »

But this is not in my head, the way I am being treated is genuinely happening, and although I left my previous employment without confronting the issue I had in that company, I am not going to do that again. If I don't deal with this issue now I'm afraid it will continue to follow me through my future employments too, and I owe it to both myself, and the other people who are being unfairly treated to refuse to accept the bully's behaviour.

Hi OP this is very true,I'm in exactly the same position, I left my last employment because I was being singled out by the management and now in my current position I have been unbelievably bullied. Until about 2 weeks ago. I decided the same as you, I am not leaving this, I am going to face it, and that made the biggest change. Before that I cried for an entire weekend about something this bully had done 5 mins before I went home on the firday afternoon.

In my case the management are very well aware of the bully; but they are so afraid of this person themselves nothing is ever done about it. So I had no hope of this situation ending. So I fought fire with fire. not physically fighting obviously but saying everything you have to say to him/her with pointed aggression. And taking every opportunity to use passive aggressive remarks to let this person know that I was not a walk over. Its tiring at the start, esp cause I'm a very straight forward person so passive aggressive bull doesn't come easy to me, but you do what you have to do to survive.

Hopefully the management in your place will be smart about this and do something.

DuPLeX

I've had this happen to me in the past except in my case he bullied almost everyone , I'm the one who made the mistake of standing up to him . So heres my tuppenceworth I would say find out if this is a one off or does this person have a history of bullying in the past . If they do, then keep a diary of everything but really start planning your exit strategy. a lot of companies have reams of meaningless paperwork and strategies and policies on bullying, but the reality is often this ....bullying that they are not aware of is not their problem and If you insist on making them aware of it or expect them to help you, then you may find that you are the problem they decide is easiest/cheapest to solve. This is what happened to me. Sorry I cannot be more uplifting but It may help you to be aware of this possibility .

LegacyUser

I am working on an exit strategy at the moment. I have had one interview (which I was due to get feedback on last week, but as I've heard nothing I'm not stressing about it!) and I have another shortly with a different company.

I also accidentally came across an online conversation between my supervisor and one of my colleagues regarding me - a few comments about me professionally, and lots about me personally. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I printed it, so I have a copy of it. Every time I start to think I'm wrong I go back to it and remind myself that my supervisor told this colleague that "she's gone if she does that" regarding me approaching one of the directors about her behaviour.

I now feel like I'm terrible at my job, and I really, really dislike being there. I have been trying unbelievably hard to be positive (and I have been succeeding very well) and I am working in a different manner in an effort to give my colleagues nothing to say about me, but it has been made clear to me that this isn't enough.

I believe that I am in the wrong place for me. I have made my position clear. I have been involved in a joint meeting with my supervisor and an internal mediator where I outlined my position and had what happened to me dismissed as being in my head. I don't want to involve colleagues who could substantiate my claim(s) because it will draw unnecessary attention to them. At this stage I just want to find a job where I can do my work, work hard, get a good result for me and the company and go home in the evening without losing sleep over what's coming at me the next day in work.

I am a loyal, dedicated, reliable and hard-working person who makes themselves very flexible for their employer. I am always willing to do anything asked of me. However, I am not willing to continue working somewhere where I feel like I will never be respected as a team-member. I am going to find the right job for me, and my current employers can find the right employee for them, so we will all be satisfied. Please wish me luck!

DuPLeX

Hi again , ..firstly ..good luck !!
and you are not the only person to go through this, it happens for too often and there's nothing particularly wrong with you ,
I've certainly been there, the self doubt, the panic attacks being unable to sleep for weeks, eventually ended up changing industries altogether, and although I
can safely say I will never match what I earned before ( I drive a taxi now ) I am glad I got away from it .
once again I say Don't fight walk away !(that was my mistake)
but if you decide to fight.. understand that most bullies are Psychopaths (seems over the top but trust me.. literally they are! ) you need to understand how they think and then act accordingly.
Secondly you need to involve your colleagues in your struggle whether you like it or not , if you don't, you can be sure your nemesis will and people you thought were on your side will be manipulated to turn on you .
If you have any more meetings, insist on an outside mediator , I made the mistake of allowing an internal mediator, and it just allows them to control how everything is perceived and evaluated and reported . remember the company (for whatever reasons) is probably not on your side !
once again Good Luck ....
need anything just ask .

oh bye the way dont believe what i say about the Psychopath ?
go here
http://www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm
and put your bully through the test ......................

stanley 2

not what you might want to here but this might help have you found yourself the last picked for a team left to cover when others go on a coffe brake in school in work in your family . Then its time to start again is there anybody in your comunity job in a worse position than you help them dont worry about the starlets its hard but in the end its a way forward

LegacyUser

Hi there, I'm a long time Boards User but have decided not to use my own name for my reply....

I too was bullied at work over a long period of time. I almost had a breakdown and like you I couldn't stop going to work because I couldn't afford to loose my job. Also like you I didn't even realise it was bullying until I finally broke down and told my husband after my boss almost hit me at work one day. Of course stopping him going in with a baseball bat was another days work.....

Luckily for me I have a brilliant union rep. I put in a formal complaint and luckily for me I had started keeping a diary of what was happening at work. I did end up taking a considerable amount of time off work because I was suffering from stress and anxiety, and unfortunately my employers weren't recognising the extent of the problem.

It's a really hard thing to do, but because I had the support of family and union I have taken a case against my employer for personal injuries and my case is due to be heard in the High Court soon. It's not easy to take a case though, it's a last resort, there is more stress involved and you will be questioned over and over again. In my case I was bullied over a period of 4 years so the impact on my health was permanent. I still take medication and attend counsellors. I have returned to work but it's not easy, it's a long road.

What action you take is completely up to you, nobody can advise you. If you're being bullied then putting up with it over a long period will have a permanent effect on you.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

X

Bens

Ive seen bullying going on in every single company I have ever worked in.
Mostly its managers with a God complex coming down on people because they think they are not doing their jobs to the bullys liking. Even when these people are perfectly good at their jobs.
Most bullies hide behind their bullying. Its just to make others look worse than the bully. Its very effective too.

Its very hard to do anything about the bully. Most companies dont have union reps. And HR are always on the side of the company, never on your side. They'll sweep it under the carpet if they can. And they are very good at this.

So what do you do? Hard to say but heres what one guy i used to work with did and it worked for him. I was actually called up by HR as a witness. More about that later.

He never told anybody he was doing this.
He recorded every conversation and meeting he had with the bully on his phone. After only 3 meetings he had the bully complaining about his work, calling other people names, who werent at the meeting - generally being a right asshole.
He sent all emails from the bully home to his own email address or printed them out and brought them home.

So after a few weeks of collecting this evidence (the bullying had been going on months before he embarked on his mission) he sent an email and a letter in writing to HR saying he was resigning.
He got a solicitor to draft the email for him. I cant remember the exact contents but hers the gist.
He said it was because of the bullying that he had to leave and that he sees it as constructive dismissal. There was no way he could stay in the company as it was clear he wasnt wanted. And besides the damage to him had been done. He told them that he would be suing them for constructive dismissal.
He never mentioned recordings, emails or witnesses at this stage.

About 10 minutes after he sent the email, he was locked out of his computer.
No access to his emails anymore. Lucky he kept copies at home too.
2 people from HR came down and asked him to go to the HR office with them. Another came and emptied his drawers while he was gone. I didnt know anything about what he was doing at this stage and was watching the whole thing wondering what was going on.

He told me afterwards that they had questioned him and told him that there had been reports that his work wasnt up to scratch. HR were protecting the company at this stage, by protecting the bully. Trying to make out bullying never happens in this company, sort of thing. Anyway, he still said nothing more than was in his email. He was sent home.

So about an hour later the bully was called up to HR. Over the rest of the day several of us that sat near him were called up. It was suggested to me that he was no good at his job. I said he was. They suggested to me that he was over reacting that the guy was bullying him. I said - looks like bullying to me. Ive been watching it go on for months. The other guys didnt have the balls to implicate the bully. The way I saw it I was just saying what I saw. Not trying to defend or hang anyone. Just telling the truth.

So a few days later the victim was called in again. This time the bully and the two people who claimed they saw no bullying. (They did see it and we often talked about it. One of them was even bullied by the same guy too). I wasnt called up, im assuming because I was a hostile witness to the company.

So the guy was asked to come back the next day. He said he was bringing his solicitor with him, but HR wouldnt allow it. So his solicitor wrote to them threatening suing them etc and eventually they said they would meet them.

Heres where it get interesting.
The solicitor said that this was an pen and shut case of bullying and constructive dismissal. Effectively they were making the guy redundant. And as such he was entitled to redundancy plus compensation for the bullying. They laughed. Now I wish I was there for this, but I was told what happened. While they were still laughing the solicitor threw a stack of the bullys emails on the desk in front of them. Before they even looked at them he played one of the recordings of the bully calling other people names in a meeting with the victim. Basically being very belligerent. They then got up and as they were walking out the solicitor said - "Call me, theres much more where that came from".

In the end it didnt go to court. The guy got a very high 5 figure settlement.
And went to a new job happy as larry.

The bully still works in that company, but he doesnt bully anymore. And I hear everyone records all meetings with him.

So record everything on your phone. Keep all emails.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. HR were trying everything, saying they couldnt play the recording in court and all that tripe, Actually, you can. And you can also have a transcript, highlighting all the bully things he said. It would never have gone to court anyway.

That was a very, very effective way of dealing with bullying. It was actually suggested to him by his solicitor when he first went to him. I think this story should probably be taken out and stickied as - "how to deal with a bully"

redser1977

Hi, it seems like there are lots of people out there who have been bullied or targeted at work. I am one of those people too.

Is the bully female? Are you female? From my experience and from speaking to other professionals, I have learned that women use psychological bullying in the workplace. They try to undermine your confidence because they have a problem with you. You may have done absolutely nothing to deserve what they are doing, perhaps you remind them of a previous colleague, or themselves when they were your age, maybe they are jealous of you and fear that you may show them up as being inadequate. Either way, thats their problem, its nothing to do with you as a person. For whatever strange and bizarre reason they chose you to pick up.

It is a horrendous situation to be in but you have only one choice, to get out and get something new and better for you. Good luck with your interviews, really hope you find something better. 70% of jobs are not advertised, there is plenty of work out there, so get looking.

Let us know how you are doing, you are not alone in this situation. It will get better

JaneyMacker

Bens wrote: »

Ive seen bullying going on in every single company I have ever worked in.
Mostly its managers with a God complex coming down on people because they think they are not doing their jobs to the bullys liking. Even when these people are perfectly good at their jobs.
Most bullies hide behind their bullying. Its just to make others look worse than the bully. Its very effective too.

Its very hard to do anything about the bully. Most companies dont have union reps. And HR are always on the side of the company, never on your side. They'll sweep it under the carpet if they can. And they are very good at this.

So what do you do? Hard to say but heres what one guy i used to work with did and it worked for him. I was actually called up by HR as a witness. More about that later.

He never told anybody he was doing this.
He recorded every conversation and meeting he had with the bully on his phone. After only 3 meetings he had the bully complaining about his work, calling other people names, who werent at the meeting - generally being a right asshole.
He sent all emails from the bully home to his own email address or printed them out and brought them home.

So after a few weeks of collecting this evidence (the bullying had been going on months before he embarked on his mission) he sent an email and a letter in writing to HR saying he was resigning.
He got a solicitor to draft the email for him. I cant remember the exact contents but hers the gist.
He said it was because of the bullying that he had to leave and that he sees it as constructive dismissal. There was no way he could stay in the company as it was clear he wasnt wanted. And besides the damage to him had been done. He told them that he would be suing them for constructive dismissal.
He never mentioned recordings, emails or witnesses at this stage.

About 10 minutes after he sent the email, he was locked out of his computer.
No access to his emails anymore. Lucky he kept copies at home too.
2 people from HR came down and asked him to go to the HR office with them. Another came and emptied his drawers while he was gone. I didnt know anything about what he was doing at this stage and was watching the whole thing wondering what was going on.

He told me afterwards that they had questioned him and told him that there had been reports that his work wasnt up to scratch. HR were protecting the company at this stage, by protecting the bully. Trying to make out bullying never happens in this company, sort of thing. Anyway, he still said nothing more than was in his email. He was sent home.

So about an hour later the bully was called up to HR. Over the rest of the day several of us that sat near him were called up. It was suggested to me that he was no good at his job. I said he was. They suggested to me that he was over reacting that the guy was bullying him. I said - looks like bullying to me. Ive been watching it go on for months. The other guys didnt have the balls to implicate the bully. The way I saw it I was just saying what I saw. Not trying to defend or hang anyone. Just telling the truth.

So a few days later the victim was called in again. This time the bully and the two people who claimed they saw no bullying. (They did see it and we often talked about it. One of them was even bullied by the same guy too). I wasnt called up, im assuming because I was a hostile witness to the company.

So the guy was asked to come back the next day. He said he was bringing his solicitor with him, but HR wouldnt allow it. So his solicitor wrote to them threatening suing them etc and eventually they said they would meet them.

Heres where it get interesting.
The solicitor said that this was an pen and shut case of bullying and constructive dismissal. Effectively they were making the guy redundant. And as such he was entitled to redundancy plus compensation for the bullying. They laughed. Now I wish I was there for this, but I was told what happened. While they were still laughing the solicitor threw a stack of the bullys emails on the desk in front of them. Before they even looked at them he played one of the recordings of the bully calling other people names in a meeting with the victim. Basically being very belligerent. They then got up and as they were walking out the solicitor said - "Call me, theres much more where that came from".

In the end it didnt go to court. The guy got a very high 5 figure settlement.
And went to a new job happy as larry.

The bully still works in that company, but he doesnt bully anymore. And I hear everyone records all meetings with him.

So record everything on your phone. Keep all emails.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. HR were trying everything, saying they couldnt play the recording in court and all that tripe, Actually, you can. And you can also have a transcript, highlighting all the bully things he said. It would never have gone to court anyway.

That was a very, very effective way of dealing with bullying. It was actually suggested to him by his solicitor when he first went to him. I think this story should probably be taken out and stickied as - "how to deal with a bully"

This reminded me of a friend of mine.
Ive worked in the same company as him so I know what he is like to others.
He got asked to resign for bullying last year.
He thought he was going to get the accuser fired and was all smug going into the hearing.
The person he bullied produced a recording of him bullying and he had no comeback. Case closed.
He was telling me this like he couldnt believe he would actually bully someone. I had to tell him i witnessed him bully people lots of times.
He still thinks he did nothing wrong.

To be frank, I see bullying every day in work. Nobody will report others for bullying unless they are the target. And even then they will only report it when they have been suffering this for a while.
On one occasion a woman reported bullying going on and the victim, who i had also seen get bullied a lot, denied that they were being bullied as they were afraid of confronting the bully. The bullying continued until the victim left.